Stan got out of bed and tripped over the cat ,Emile, who was lying on the orange fluffy rug.After 43 years one might have expected change but they were set like rubbery jelly in their strange ways.
Stan fell into a large armchair that he didn’t recall seeing in the bay window before.
So he sat there gazing across the room waiting for his wife Mary to come out of the bathroom.Emile sauntered insolently to the door and disappeared.
With his peripheral vision Stan saw Anne his next door neighbour talking to the milkperson.No doubt she would be arguing about her bill as she infrequently did on Saturdays.She was rich but greedy,not an unusual combination as Schopenhauer once might have said.He opened the lower window and waved.
“The milkperson waved back nastily.What’s up with her?” thought Stan patiently.
Suddenly the doorbell rang.There was  a Parcel force  engineer with a sackful of books from Amazon
“Where are you going to put these?” Mary sneered.

“I’ll find somewhere” he replied curiously”.Some are for Laura our talented daughter.”
“But her bedsit is full already”
“Don’t you think it’s time she bought a flat.She’ll be 67 next year.”
“I’ll lend her some money for a deposit.”Stan quoted eerily.
“And it’ll be your 82nd birthday next October” Mary paused momentously,
“What would you like?A gift voucher for Amazon.”she said sarcastically.
“Lovely,” Stan said absent–mindedly.”You’re always at home with a good book”
“I’ve just been recommended to try Cynthia Ozick.She’s from the USA  and is Jewish.In fact although she’d not been to Europe in early she wrote a book about the Holocaust so convincing that many people thought she’d lived through it in one of the Concentration Camps.”
“Well,I’ll make enquiries about that.Thank you my sweetheart.”
“By the way,Sophie and I are going to Brent Cross clothes shopping later.”
In Knittingham?” he queried.
“Yes,it’s odd.Someone went down town yesterday and there was the Brent Cross Shopping Centre right outside the Town Hall”
“You’d better go while you can, though the wardrobe won’t close even now.”He said with a twinkle in his eye.Although Mary was 78 she still loved to look charming and trendy with ear rings,make up, stiletto heels the lot.Her  most favourite colour was purple,sometimes mixed with orange.She once tried to get a job with Missoni but the pay was too low.~She was a great weaver too as well as making her own bread.Stan often longed for a taste but he had to buy his own.
Since all their pension was from his earnings,  though of course her hard work in the home was a big contribution,Stan thought that was mean but he had never understood Mary,although she was his fifth  and most beautiful wife.Somehow he had never quite got the hang of women….was he perhaps gay without knowing it?
Of course when he was a young  man ,it was  still illegal but that would not have stopped him.No,he had just never met the right woman and he was unwilling to have another divorce.He already had 34 children and four exes to maintain and on his school master’s pension it was tricky.
So he was staring out of the window at Anne their neighbour in her see through  nightie.Was she sending him a signal?The excitement was wonderful until he got a sharp pain in his chest”.
Oh no Angina” he thought “Mary can you ring 999 quickly, “I’ve had a bad pain for 54 minutes” “Where’s your spray?”she said coldly,knowing full well she had hidden it under the rug.
“Why it’s here  in my pocket!” he cried.He opened his mouth and  leaning the bottle against his chin he opened his mouth and sprayed it under his tongue
“.Isn’t life exciting? I could be alive  again at any moment.” he whispered
With no cause or warning his armchair fell to pieces and he flew forward like a balloon onto the bed. He found it delightful.There was adulterous  Annie,his neighbour, beside him looking very suave and dishevelled
“Is this heaven?” He anxiously enquired of Rafael the Archangel who was passing through the room.”No ,you’re in Casualty”.Your good wife Annie found you unconscious in a wheelie bin and sent for us at once.”

“If you live,I’ll consider it,” she giggled.”I already have plenty of engagement rings .Will Emile be the best man?” “Well that would be an economy as he already has a morning suit,” twittered Stan on his blackberry as he fell asleep.And he and Annie could cycle to the church with Emile in the bike basket…. an economy indeed!

• 
  Stan admired the gleaming purple bath.He was so thrilled by the performance of his microfibre cloth.Mary had gone to Bluewater Shopping Centre looking for a long cardigan to disguise her curves.Stanley rather liked them but she didn’t ask his opinions any more.
• Out of the blue the doorbell rang.He flew downstairs and opened the door.
  “Can you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
  “Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and  theologians.
  She was wearing perfume and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky overblouse, not to mention her matching raspberry  and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three  imitation gold and silver watches on each  of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting.
  Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once.So the more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.So she reasoned in her womanly  way.
  Just then one  phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation  and turmoiluation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
  “Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
  “Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with  carpentry skills.You ‘ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
  “Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.”
  “That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.
  The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?  Contact Parcel Force without delay.
  Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
  “Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
  “Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously.
  .”Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
  “To attract men,of course!”
  “No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.
  “Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for services rendered so generously and freely.”
  “Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.” Stanley looked uneasy.
  “I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
  The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born.”
  “She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
  “Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
  “My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”.

  “Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
  “Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”

  “I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal  secret memo.[available in 50 years]
  “Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual  to see what they were up to,as it were,you know what I mean,catch my drift?
  She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
  “Oh,gosh,better ring 999″ Stan said to Emile.”Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”

  “Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
  “Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”

  In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor  Annie.How cruel can a cat be?  Ask any mouse!