Mary had foolishly eaten some red kidney beans for supper.When she drank her morning tea she suddenly got a strange pain in her guts.For the next few hours she was in and out of the bathroom.While in there reading Geza Vermes’ autbiography she heard the doorbell ring
What a pity you can’t answer the door,Emile,she told her cat.She rushed downstairs to see nobody was there.However after shouting loudly a young woman approached her carrying a small table.
I was in the lavatory,Mary told her..I have got stomach pains.Can you not wait a bit longer ?I know you don’t get paid much but please wait next time.
I’m sorry to hear that,the woman told her politely.Oh,what a beautiful cat.
He can talk,said Mary
No,I can’t, Emile shouted
But you just did,Mary laughed
No,that was meta-talk.
I can see you have read Ray Monk’s life of Russell,Mary said jovially
Has he really? said the lady nervously.
No,he listens to audio books as he never learned to read.He can’t write either.
Well,thank you ,the lady called as she ran away as fast as she could.
Mary took the table indoors.It was quite small ,just perfect for her chromebook. She had been searching for a long time for this.
After putting the table in the sitting room she rang 999
Hi,Can you send Dave.My toilet seat is a bit loose.
Be right with you,the receptionist said courteously.
Mary debated whether drinking coffee would make her pain worse.She looked at the bag where Stan’s remains were still hidden.
Shall I have coffee,Stan,she called.
How the bleeding hell do I know,he called graciously, making Mary wonder whether he was in Heaven or the Other Place.
Why are you so angry,she asked him
I am not angry,he said.I just worry about you.
Oh,dear.Sorry, my angel.I am quite alright now I have got this table.The other room is too bright,as you know.I needed a small strong folding table
And I have finally taken all the clean clothes hanging behind the bathroom door and hung them in the wardrobe.And I found some cotton trousers perfect for this hot weather.
Suddenly the back door opened and Annie her neighbour ran in decked in bright yellow
I am hearing voices,she cried.Am I going mad?
No,it’s alright.I was chatting to Stan.
Well,don’t leave him near the party wall.I was just putting on this new yellow dress and deciding on my make-up when I heard his deep voice.So I dropped my make-up box
It’s getting louder,Mary noted.Why is that?
We’ll have to see an Oracle,Annie screamed. I’ve always wanted to but the Church say it’s wrong.
Well meddling in those things can be dangerous,Mary said phlegmatically.There are more things in heaven and earth……..
And why Stan’s voice is louder ,might it be because the bag is hot with the sun.
Maybe we should go to the end of the pier at Southend on that little train and then we can toss him int0 the sea.He always loved the seaside.But then we can’t speak to him so easily
Dave the hermaphrodite and paramedic came in with a box of tissues.
Here I got you these he told Mary.I can”t mend the toilet but I can make you some coffee and take your blood pressure.
I’ll keep my blood pressure here,Mary told him humorously in her pedantic manner.
I suppose you get extra paid for stealing it!
Well.we only get £45, he joked.
How do you like my dress,Annie asked him
Lovely but yellow is attractive to bees and wasps.,I believe
Yes,Mary said,I once had a pink skirt and a yellow blouse and it was a nightmare sitting on the beach at Aldeborough. Khaki and beige are safer but they don’t look nice to me.Though I do have some khaki cotton trousers that were £7 in a sale.
Wow,said Annie.That’s cheap.
If I wear a blue blouse I think I will look attractive.
And so bray all of us!
How my heart sings 