Day: July 19, 2015

Vulva is a very rude word

I’m told vulva is a very rude word

Yet onto one we all emerge.

Vagina is kosher.

Vulva is grosser.

So keep mum unless you’re disturbed.

I suppose dick is a regular word

As opposed to a regular verb.

We did verbs in Greek

But I cannot speak

In case any organ gets stirred.

 While you still have it, do use

If anyone ignites your fuse

.For atrophy comes

And prunes are your plums.

If you live and you long you can’t lose

I’ll read some soft porn ere I go

To the hospital where I will show

I am not totally dry

I have ten tears in my eye.

If I bleed then I’m human,hello!

At random

A friend told me that about 3 weeks after my husband died I would get men coming to the door asking if I wanted to sleep with them.So far I’ve only had

1.A pizza deliverer who rang the wrong bell

2.A Thames water engineer to give me a new head for the shower and to quizz me on my use of water.

3.An Amazon delivery of a Japanese maple tree.

4 A letter telling me that my husband owes them one week of his pension  since he died at 2.30 pm on the day it was paid.Well,they can go to Hell… maybe they’ll get it there!

5.A woman trying to convert me to be a Mormon.I said I was already a Catholic but they don’t mind.So then I said I am an agnostic so she asked me how to spell it.Then I passed out and when I came round a man was staring at me.He was a paramedic from down the road.

6.A man collecting money for lepers… not very convincing.

Anyway,why would  I want to make love with a complete stranger when I can do it with someone I adore.,… namely,myself!It’s less dangerous too   and less immoral as you are not leadinf a man into sin are you? Or a woman either.Can you lead yourself into sin,I wonder,Ask a Jesuit.. they usually know all the answers.I know men can’t spill their seeds according to the Bible  but can we women lay our eggs at random?

Death and loss and grief

When death and loss and grief fill up my heart
And behind an icy wall I am entrapped
Where should my work of holy healing start
Where is the hidden place where loss is mapped?
As on the earth I walk amongst the trees
And on the grass I lay my sleeping head
I make my friends from stinging wasps and bees
Who comfort me on this my own deathbed.
Yet do not sun and moon still shine as bright?
Do not men and women tender lie.
Does not this small glowworm give me light?
Do not courting tom cats saunter by?
With wider vision spreading from my eyes
I see more clearly where my comfort lies

What we used to eat and other rum memories

I have noticed that some popular dishes of my childhood are no longer eaten much

1.Scotch eggs …….  boiled eggs coated in sausage meat and deep fried

2.Anything deep fried. except cow’s eyes

3.Steamed jam roly poly pudding

4.Most cooked puddings and pies.Apple pie was the most common

5 Carnation milk.

6.Lentil soup made using a ham bone.Jewish folk who never knew…God is ok with that!

7. Heinz vegetable soup

8 Steak and kidney puddings.

9 Liver and other offal.

10 Fairy cakes.

11.Potatoes coated in batter then deep fried.

12.Sago pudding.

1I3 Strong brown tea with 6 spoons of sugar per mug

14. Indian brandy.

15 Rum in tea before a big event.

16 Going to Mass 4 times on Snday  when you couldn’t afford breakfast

17 Tinned fruit with jelly from a packet.

18 Custard powder.

19 Jam or sugar sandwiches.

20 Banana or tomato sandwiches

21 Tobacco chewed and spat out.

22 Cigar sandwiches

Sunday jokes

Photo0705

I was going to take my husband a roast dinner today ,but I forgot to put his dentures in the coffin.. so I shall have to have them cremated.There goes another £758 and I am damned if I have to pay for another Service.

The doctor said I need to let my feelings out so I am going to Epping Forest in the hope they will get lost and I can come home without them.

They say it’s natural to grieve.It’s also natural to eat dogs in China,And it’s natural for so called civilised countries to torture suspects

When I cry men cross the road to offer me their handkerchiefs.So far I’ve got 50.Isn’t it great not to have to buy tissues any more?

To save money I am burying my credit card under a tree with  my husband’s ashes.Then he will know I being  thrifty just like he always told me, even though it’s 30 years too late.

The dermatologist told me,you will smell human flesh burning.I wish I’d told him I am a vegetarian but my face was numb from the 21  injections they gave me.Maybe we should pay surgeons more more or let them eat cake.

I invited our GP to the funeral but he said  for that to happen  we’d have to hold it in the surgery

Funerals are so expensive I’ve decided to bury myself at sea.