I asked my husband if he liked his dinner and he went
Call that a dinner?
So I said,What do you mean?
He said,where’s the bloody mustard?
I said I don’t know but the Colman’s is on the table.You’ll have to wait till next week if you want the bloody type.
Unless I cut my finger and let some drip onto your meat.
He said,you know I like it rare.
So I said,I don’t know if mine’s rare but it’s all my own.
Then a loud voice said,No it’s not!
O.M.G I cried.
So he said, what?
I said,send me some salt and vinegar crisps.Then thousands fell from the sky and I’ve never prayed since.I’ve been too busy eating them all to replace the salt I loose in sweating heavily in night clubs and dens of iniquity.I know I shouldn.t go but Satan is so tempting I can’t say No in case he attacks me with his fork or is that Neptune?
It’s a queer world
Day: July 12, 2015
Why did Jesus have no shoes
Why did Jesus have no shoes?
He had sent his soles to be heeled.
Why did Jesus not wear trousers?
Jewish tailoring had not got that far 2,000 years ago.
Did Jesus drive a car?
Drive a car what?
Did Jesus write letters?
They had no Royal Mail then and soon we shan’t either.
Why did Jesus go to a comprehensive school?
He wanted to widen his appeal.
Did Jesus iron his clothes?
It was before the Iron Age.
Am I sure I’ll go to heaven?
Stop going to sex shops and wearing red bras and you should be ok
How about this atom bomb here in my pocket?
Please, let it drop,I beg you
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What to wear? Funerals etc
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Just before Stan’s funeral a heatwave began.Mary realised her outfit which her sister had chosen was too heavy.
So she called into a small department store full of delightful garments.Unfortunately most were more suitable for a nightclub than a chapel.A black dress caught her eye.It had a somewhat low neckline which was decorated with a deep gold band.
Mary decided it was more suitable for Queen Cleopatra than a British woman.After a few minutes she found a lovely thin black jacket and a long drapey skirt.She rewarded herself with a large cup of coffee and observed the scene.
Many of the women were wearing the dresses Mary had thought were for dancing and nightclubs while the rest wore jeans with T shirts saying:No size Fashion or Free women now!Most of these women were rather plump so their busts stuck out with the words going up and down some invisible contour lines across the small mountain range their bosoms resembled.No wonder when the counter in the cafe was stacked with almond croissants.Definitely an occassion of sin and for sin.
The next morning Mary showed her new outfit to Annie.
You can’t wear that,Annie screeched.The skirt is blue!
Well if it is it is dark blue,Mary cried.It looked black in the shop.
You will have to go back and change it.And you must buy some makeup too..
What,for a funeral?
Yes,said Annie who was wearing pink and purple eyeshadow from Pax Wacter combined with sun protective foundation by
Minxette in deep beige.Her lashes were dyed purple and her brows had been groomed in a way which gave the impression she was constantly in a state of severe surprise or shock.Her thick juicy lips were painted a lurid orange from Revlon of Timbuctoo and Shanghai which meant that any man who kissed her would never be able to concealt heir sin from their wives or partners.How hard life can be at times.Or even all the time.You must dress entirely in black and it will make you look pale but don’t worry you can have some of my makeup Annie said louudly
Will the colour suit me,asked Mary plaintively.I think you can wear any colour now your hair has gone that horrible shade of pale.
You are a bit rude,Mary said but I take the hint.http://youtu.be/Mb3iPP-tHdA
After Annie left Mary phoned an old friend of hers and asked him what he thought of her clothes problem.
Black and blue will look very good,he told her.As long as it’s dignified and dark the colour is i mmaterial.
That’s nice,Mary thought,as she hated shopping and was unsure how much income she would have as a widow.
Being practical a dark blue skirt is something a woman can wear any time whereas black is not so good in the daytime.
Mind you,after you visit any town centre in Britain you will see sights of women in strange and tight clothing that will both amuse and appall you though most of us are used to it now.
My goodness, Mary said to herself,what hard work it is losing a husband.I should have hired a boat and thrown him into the sea or even buried him in the back garden.That would have been better than all this kerfuffle.Sp she decided to turn her mind to higher things.
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Depression tells us we can’t always have what we want
King James Bible
And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
Do you think it is bad not to have what you want? Then consider that whether we call it to unconscious,god,nature, there is a part of ourselves which is in touch with something wiser and that may be something we don’t pay attention to maybe because of business.But sometimes we really need to do so and we are forced into idleness and torment so that we stop our activities and listen.
What we want may not be what is best for u
How my heart sings 