We had to learn in school what our religion was about so I’ll try to put down the main ideas.
It’s good to take thorns out of lions’ paws.
Men should never cut their hair.
Sausages are rude because they look like penises.That’s why some folk can’t eat pork,I think.
When we receive Communion and bite the bread,Jesus can feel it.
Candles can help the sole in purgatory as they can see better.
If you have no sins to confess,you should be ashamed of yourself as you are too proud,
Jesus was God’s son but God’s name was not on his birth certificate so Mary was on child benefit and housing benefit too.And it was not wrong because God told us to help each other and the poor.And it was a test.Which we have failed.
God can sew because Jesus liked needles with small eyes.
God didn’t want Jesus to die but human beings are cruel and tend to attack the good… like God’s own chosen people who were given the ten commandments to pass on.There were more than ten but they lost a few in the desert when their tablets’ batteries went flat.
God likes to hear us sing but not rock music as it makes his head ache.
God has his own Spirit to fortify him but he doesn’t smoke every day.He’s like a dragon,you see.
After we die we can be improved by being roasted in a hot fire and eaten by cannibals.It’s called the Inferno and Dante wrote the script before God made the film which seems hard to find but we kept looking.
When we are in heaven we will never have sex again.Or in some cases leave out the “again” but we won’t know as our minds will be blank

When I was at school we learned spammer and witticisms in the English lesson.And I loved it to spits.Especially those phrases like: je ne sais pas.
In history we spent a year on canals,roads and railways and we never saw the teacher again which was lucky as she was about to begin the study of Revolutions and I have always had whizzy hells and dirt to go.
In geography we learned how to colour in maps of the world and how to go up the pole or poles
In gym lessons some of us found sliding down the ropes rather intriguing.That was before they introduced us to text in special blessings.
We also learned English Country Prancing and how to make cart wheels.
I disliked doing those erratic equations in Maths for an hour a day but it passed the rhyme faster.
I loved languages especially Rattin’ and Squeak which apparently were used by human beings when we were civilised and before proper English was spoke here.Imagine the peasants labouring over Virgins and Hyppocratese and so forth.Did they learn economically?
We did learn some science like how to play with mercury balls and others’ balls such as crickets and bats and so on.We also did Monotony which I liked as I could fall into a light slumber.
I once set my hair on fire in the lab and then I was extinguished by my friend Ally.
After I left school I relieved myself at the university where the staff were very virtuous to ladies.