Day: April 17, 2015

Five tweets since my last Confession

Pray Father,give me a Dressing.It is five Tweets since my last Depression
So what have you done now?
Well,as I’ve done nothing wrong today ,I am suffering from Pride.
You seem to think about yourself too much
How much is too much,Dad?
Well,when we are happy and doing something we enjoy,we forget ourselves entirely. and that is the best way to be.
But first we need some security.

How can I get that?
You need a spam guard for your mind!At the moment you are on automatic which is the default setting of your brain to act like a reptile…
Thanks very much,Father,I never knew I was a reptile.Did they have scruples..
It was kill or be killed.Don’t you see the scruples are an attack on yourself?The reptile is attacking you… as you have frightening thoughts it’s annoyed.
So how do I rebutt these bad thoughts
Say,Alright if I’m the most wicked man in the city,smite me and do your worst.I am not afraid any more..I have done my best and if it’s not good enough strike me dead now or forever give me peace,
And what will happen after that?
Well,we shall see.But you have to face this thing head on.Bring it to a head.Lance the boil.
So if God does smite me dead?
Well, do you really think you are so wicked because you stole a half penny from the charity box fifty years ago?
I see it’s a sort of pride… a theatrical display of guilt.
Yes, quite right.Anyway, if you survive your ordeal let me know and I’ll give it a try.
Why,don’t say you have scruples too?
Yes,I have scruples about giving advice to people.If they follow it and it’s no good… it worries me….
Why don’t we do or die together,Father?
I’ll give you a buzz.
Meanwhile am I absolved?
Yes, dear boy.Sometimes I wish I could be dissolved..
Why is that?
I’d like to lose myself.
Why not try reading a good book…I recommend Nicholas Freeling.
But I feel guilty reading.
Now look here,Father,God helps those who help themselves….give yourself a break…
A good novel, a cup of tea and a little pussy  cat on your knee,you’ll be transformed.

Thank you,my child.
Don’t mention it,Father.
Don’t mention what?
They never say.
It’s just a phrase or is it a phase?
It’s all Greek to me.
I know some very sweet Greeks or are they geeks?
Just one letter can make such a difference..

My husband is naughty, a very naughty man

My husband is naughty a very naughty man
He throws down the newspaper on top of his beer can
He buys himself a sandwich in a cardboard box
And puts it in the laundry with his woollen socks.

He takes off his pyjamas and chucks them on the floor
He uses hankies  frequently, so I have to buy some more.
He wants to have thick sauces on top of all his food.
And when he has a hypo his speech is very rude.

I gave him such a shock when I learned to curse and swear
But we really need to,as “eff off “is everywhere.
Why, even in the Bible there are some wicked words
I’ve not read it all yet, except Psalm 23rd.

I mean to finish reading it and then when I must die,
I’ll come onto a cloud and shout,Oh pi is in the sky.
For transcendental numbers give a hint divine.
Although you can get it better with a glass of  dry, white wine.

My husband drinks draught guinness and then he fall asleep
He hollers and curses when the oven timer bleeps.
He eats a piece of kipper and cried out,Oh,dear God!
Nobody caught this b*gger with a fishing rod

He wants to move to Whitby and walk upon the sands
Sit in the audience and hear the big brass bands.
He wants to see the sun rise and to see it set…
So please send God some gelatine in case the air’s too wet!

Stan meets Satan part1

Stan was standing on the patio when a sudden downpour drenched him all over and made him feel chilly
This is like a monsoon,he murmured to Emile who was also wringing wet.-=or ringing wet,as we Northeners say]
A head appeared over the fence…..with a body close behind
I’m awfully sorry,old boy.A pipe has burst in Annie’s loft.I was just coming in as I am giving a talk to her women’s group later.
I don’t believe.You are Stan Brown.It must be 50 years since I saw you sitting your Finals in the old School.
Stan was hiding his surprise at seeing Rudolf Hairnet,his former logic tutor at an ancient foundation of learning, in the garden of Annie,Stan’s beloved once more [now he has swept out his sacred space and put a bolt on the door.]
Why not pop in,Rudolf,he said.I’ll leave the door open and go upstairs to change my clothes.Be with you in a moment.
Stan went upstairs and removed his clothes.His body was now as thin as when he reached his full height of 6 ft 6 inches but alas it had less muscle and more fat..He gazed into his wife’s mirror.
To his surprise he saw Satan looking out.Although he knew this was possible for Catholics he had never met Satan before.
How do you get behind the mirror,he asked gently.
God only knows,said Satan morosely.
Why not ask him?
I’m too proud,the poor devil replied in a bleak voice.
Well,we all have our pride,Stan told him,though no doubt yours is the biggest in the universe.
Yes,indeed,Satan answered.
Are you here for any purpose,Stan enquired.
Yes,your home seems more intriguing than most and I like to watch you in bed with that flame haired woman.
I see,said Stan,You are a voyeur.
That’s one way of describing me,Satan said,no woman will come to bed with me so I am trapped here behind every mirror in the world.I can see it all but never take part.
You must be very lonely,said Stan
Yes,the dark spirit muttered boastfully yet sadly.
Are there no she-devils about who might oblige you?
I don’t seem to fancy them so much.They are all as bad as me or worse.I want kindness and tenderness not just lust.After all,one might satisfy that with a vibrator… we have them in hell you know!And they are free at the point of contact.
Why,you are beginning to sound almost human,Stan told him.That’s what we want too.If only you would apologise to God I am sure he would forgive you and let you come into the real world of others instead of being trapped in there behind the mercury and glass
Stan heard a noise.He turned round displaying his bony frame and his organs to Rudolf his erstwhile tutor and sometime friend of youth and glory
Are you ok? the old man asked in a tremulous voice.
I was worried that the drenching had knocked you off balance.I have out your kettle on the fire to make you a hot drink and phoned 999 for aid.
But we don’t have a fire,Stan responded.
Well,you do now said Rudolf,so let’s enjoy the flames while we can.Old flames are better than new sometimes.
To whom were you talking in there? Rudolf asked curiously
I was on my mobile,said Stan defensively.
But where was it?You had nothing on ? On second thoughts,please don’t tell me.I’ve heard some strange stories but messing about with a  phone is not one I wish to dwell on lest it obsess me at 3 am with strange fancies lurking in the black of my mnind
That’s logicians for you.No interest in the wilder shores of life. a dull crowd Stan told himself as he went downstairs and joined Rudolf in a good cup of tea with the best Willow patterned china on display.
And that is what I need to recover from writing down this very odd tail…
And so does Dave the poor young paramedic from heaven who is just arriving as we leave these two dear old men and their strange meeting,
All donations gracefull received via Payme.

Stan wants a chamber pot

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Stan was recovering from his long feverish cold and cough.He had Emile standing on his desk under the windows
cleaning it with a microfibre cloth fastened to his right front paw.
Very good,Emile,he said in a husky voice.I think I’ll get up and make a hot drink.I feel better now than I did and I
enjoyed the Reith lecture on the radio.Mary came into the room wearing a long dressing gown with a zip front.
Where did you get that,Stan enquired jocosely.
It was hanging behind the door, she said.I must have bought it in a sale.I get almost all my stuff in sales.It makes  it more of an achievement.
But are they really want you want,Stan enquired.
I am happy with them because I like bright colors but most folk don’t so they end up in the sale.I just bought
some pewter shoes for £29.99 when in black they were £79.99.
Will pewter shoes not be too heavy?Stan joked.
It’s the color dearest.It’s a good color for when we are going out in the evening to a do.
But we never do go out nowadays .he told her sadly.
I live in my imagination,Mary responded, and so I get clothes and shoes for any possible event
… funerals.weddings,evening balls.
The only balls you see in the evening are at home ,he murmured vulgarly.
I don’t think that’s very funny,Stan,she told him.I am a woman of gentle birth even if I was born in a coal mine.
 am sorry dearest,my mind is not right since I fell out of bed and banged my head on that heavy tin chamber pot.
That’s a flower vase,she told him honestly and directly.We no longer use chamber pots now we have an ensuite
 here and a cloakroom downstairs plus an outside lav too.
Well,I do.Stan said.I was brought up with one and I always use one at night.
That’s strange Mary told him.Where do you find them?I have never bought any,not even in the Sales.
In the kitchen,Stan said.In the cupboard
.Those are my baking bowls, she said crossly.I forbid you to use them to wee into.
Well,will you buy me one? he asked her tenderly as he stroked her curly light blonde hair just washed in Boots
Dandruff and Acne shampoo. with Rosemary and Rose Essence.
Of course,darling,if it wil make you happy.I’ll go online.I am sure they are still made though originally they were
used when people had outside loos.
That can be my Xmas present,he joked,if you pay for express delivery but don’t have it gift wrapped.
Adulterous Annie their neighbour came in.She wore a grass green trouser suit and pink calf high
boots.Underneath she had spanx hip and thigh control pantees and a blue lace bra which peeped out as she had
forgotten to put a blouse or jumper on despite the cold weather.
.What is that, in your hand,Annie ? Stan asked thoughtfully.
It’s a pewter chamber pot that we inheritied from my granny she said
.Gosh,how amazing,it’s just what Stan needs,Mary informed her.He’s been using a vase..
That is very naughty,Annie told him.You should know better
.Naughty!That’s strange word to use.I am a man.I can do what I want.You’ll see.
But can you want what you do,Mary asked like an Oxford don on low dose speed.
I can if I choose to ,he said.
So do you believe in will power? Annie asked curiously.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t, he replied ambiguously which was one of his defense mechanisms when
he was with clever women.
I see,you twist the world around your little finger.
hat’s a strange parallel,Stan told her.But parallel lines on the earth’s surface do meet at the Poles which proves
that Euclidean geometry is not the only sort possible.
Why is that?Annie asked,though she had no idea what he was talking about
Because one of Euclid’s axioms is that parallel lines never meet .
It sounds a bit like men and women nowadays,Stan said thoughtfully.We will only meet if we go up the pole
.I wonder what the origin of that phrase is,Mary said curiously.It’s a strange world.
Meanwhile Emile finished the window and was polishing the dressing table mirror.What luck for Mary and Stan
that Emile loves microfibre and Windolene.Next they are hoping to buy him tiny vacuum cleaner… that would  help to
gather up all the dust from the floor and let Mary get on with her book :Mirrors and the development of the pre-oedipal child’s theory of integers and meta-language as hypothosised by
Jack Lacant.Part 1

I fell into a deep snooze that lasted for year.

This is an extract from “Humboldt’s Gift” in a book review on GoodReads Saul Bellow

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/637022168

Humboldt’s Gift
by Saul Bellow, Jeffrey Eugenides (Introduction)

Kelly’s review Jun 16,

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/637022168

“Some think that sloth, one of the capital sins, means ordinary laziness,” I began. “Sticking in the mud. Sleeping at the switch. But sloth has to cover a great deal of despair. Sloth is really a busy condition, hyperactive. This activity drives off the wonderful rest or balance without which there can be no poetry or art or thought — none of the highest human functions. These slothful sinners are not able to acquiesce in their own being, as some philosophers say. They labor because rest terrifies them. The old philosophy distinguished between knowledge achieved by effort (ratio) and knowledge received (intellectus) by the listening soul that can hear the essence of things and comes to understand the marvelous. But this calls for unusual strength of soul. The more so since society claims more and more of your inner self and infects you with its restlessness. It trains you in distraction, colonizes consciousness as fast as consciousness advances.The true poise of contemplation or imagination, sits right on the border of sleep and dreaming. Now, Naomi, as I was lying stretched out in America, determineThe true poise, that of contempd to resist its material interests and hoping for redemption by art, I fell into a deep snooze that lasted for year.