- After Mary went off to the Oxfam shop with a bag of odd shoes Stan decided to clean his laptop.
He was trying to open the plastic box of Screen Cleaning Tissues and wondering if he could have used a damp microfibre cloth instead.He was feeling excited because he was going to take Mary away for the weekend to a Pie Museum on the Lincolnshire coast.
There was a knock on the back door.He saw Lisa and Tom,two students from Knittingham University.Tom’s grandmother was a friend of Stan‘s.”Hello,”said Tom,”this is Lisa Stoat my girlfriend.””Hello,Lisa.How are you?And where do you come from?”
“Hello,I’m fine,thanks.I believe my mum found me under a gooseberry bush near the A19 to Teesside.She’d been out rambling with the gypsies.Anyway she met my dad when I was 2.He’s doctor in Middlesborough,he adopted me and several other children my mother found from time to time out in the country.There are six of us now.There are lots of gooseberry bushes on Teesside.”
“Thank you for that,Lisa.”
“Please don’t mention it; you are more than welcome!”
“Would you like some gooseberry pie.”
“Yes,I’m ravenous.” the girl replied shyly.
“Well,you know you are a growing girl.” Stan chuntered .
“I’m afraid I can’t find the cake forks”
“That’s a pity,” replied Tom.”I’ve never seen a cake fork in my life.” “Oh,goodness,”Stan called.”What did you do?”
“Well,we used a pick axe to cut the pies up and then lay on the floor and grabbed bits with our teeth.!”
“Where you raised by cats?” Stan cried querulously.
“To a certain extent,”the boy honestly admitted.”But I can use a knife and fork now for meat and veg and also I can now use a lavatory rather than digging a hole in the soil or using a plant pot.”
“Have you thought of writing your autobiography?”
“I feel I’m a bit young for that and the cats, Lucy and Mario, might be offended.”
“Can they read?” “Not yet but I’m doing phonics with them. the government recommends that according to the News of the Failed.”
“But not for cats,surely?”
“Well,you win some you lose some!” Tom answered with the unique and original turn of phrase typical of one raised by cats.
Lisa got over. excited.”You could call it “A tale of two Kitties“” she cried hysterically.
“Oh,my God.Is she bipolar?” Stan thought anxiously.
“But what would Professor Fittsgenstein think?”
“I rarely think,” said a man who had crept into the kitchen through the cat flap.”And I have to confess that I too was partially raised by cats.”
“Welcome.Professor”, they all shouted
“What a coincidence!”
“Well,”said Annie, who had been listening through the keyhole,”It’s very common in Knittinghamshire you know.The mortgages are so big,both parents have to work so they have no alternative but to leave the children at home with the cats.They all learn to mioaw which can be useful.” She then gave a loud”mioaw” and disappeared.“I’d better ring 999 “Stan whispered.”I think she is going mad.”
“Oh,no” Tom stated,”If you could enter into the narrative of her life and reach the place where she is you would see it all makes perfect sense.”
“What even the thick layers of makeup and the TKMaxx perfume.” “Yes,indeed.”
“Didn’t Schopenhauer advise against about pretending to be someone other than your true self?”
“I’m sorry but we have only reached pi and the Ancient Greeks.Is Philosophy meant to help you with real life problems?”
“What sort of pie did they eat?”Stan wondered anxiously.
“I guess maybe apricot or peach,”said Lisa.
“Well,I have the Fanni Far Mer cookery book here.I’ll look it up.”
“But she’s American? poor Lisa said peevishly
“I thought she was a Turk!”
“What about Gud How Ski Ping?”
“Yes,I do like the Chinese.”
Then Stan fell out of bed and landed on the rug.It was 4am.”I blame that cheese pie.” he thought mutinously.
Read more in the News of the Failed out a week on Sunday
How my heart sings 