Tag: Mary

Mary gets a letter

Digital art by author

The postman was very late coming that morning. Stan was asleep in his armchair whilst Annie was analysing some data on the political alignments of the over fifties group in Knittingham.Mary was upstairs daydreaming. Hi. Mary…Annie called.There’s a letter for you from the hospital. Mary came down, her face a little pale with anxiety.She opened it slowly.Inside it had the following announcement Your appointment on 5th October at 8 am with Dr Paramour has been cancelled.. We can offer you he following appointment: 5th October 2014 at 7.59am in the usual clinic This will be with Dr Paramour unless he goes on holiday again.He will remove your tumour and your humour 📷 Stan read the letter. Why have they sent this? he asked bemusedly as he blinked with his kind blue eyes. Mary phoned the hospital.She spoke to a charming young man. What does it mean? she enquired.Why give such a silly letter out. It means nothing,the man said,It’s the computer. Computers follow programmes.We’ve had this type of stupid letter many times in the last 6 months….it’s using paper and postage apart from the worry.Why can’t someone alter the programme? I don’t know,the pleasant man replied.I think nobody understands it. Don’t they realise that keeping patients calm and trusting is part of the healing process? No,they don’t he answered despondently. We have to answer the phone all day long.So we can hear how upset some people are. Stan called out,it’s in the government too.They wasted millions on a new system which was scrapped before it was ever used… Where are all the intelligent people? That’s what I have been wondering,thought Emile as he hid behind Annie’s new green handbag hoping a field mouse might come by I am sure if I planned the the computer programmes I could fix this,said Mary.But I will never be given a job now.I don’t think I’d want it now with my eyesight. Well,Mary,you are still very beautiful,said Stan.I think I want to go to bed with you. Stan, how can you say it in front of Annie? Well,she can come as well if she likes,he replied tactfully. And what about Emile? Oh, alright then.We’ll all go to bed even he … we need a life changing experience.And I do not mean another daft letter from that blooming hospital,The Royal Wee. We could paper the walls with them. I would not enjoy seeing the walls like that,said Annie. I am just making a point… that they waste so much money…. and time answering the phone to correct their errors………. it’s like Alice in Sunderland. I never knew she was a Geordy, mioawed Emile… I just like to think of her that way,answered Stan. Anyway,upstairs and off with your clothes… we must make love before we die even if it kills us or we have to go to A and E with angina,migraine,a broken rib or other unmentionable discomforts. And being obedient they all want upstairs,got undressed and fell asleep side by side in Stan’s large soft bed… except for Emile. I thought they were going to have a love in,he thought.Perhaps when they waken up,who knows? Maybe the NHS are trying to make people mad so they will pay for private treatment…. Mary was dreaming she was back at Lamebridge teaching real analysis to a group of frightened first year students…what a pity they are so nervous,she thought.They’d do better working in a garden centre or a zoo. And so would all of us

Mary finds that she is sardonic

Mary was feeling very unwell when the phone rang. It was a former colleague of hers who asked her how she was. But she didn’t want to tell anyone she was ill with covid-19

Oh I am grieving for my sister, Mary told her untruthfully but firmly.

You  have never mentioned your sister before.Were you close to her?

Oh no. I wasn’t close to her I just like grieving for people that I’m not close to, don’t you?

Mary I think you are being sardonic. I’ve never heard you speak like that before. What has come over you?

Am I really being sardonicJust think that you can be sardonic without even knowing it.

I don’t believe you Mary You know what it is I am sure you do.

Well you can know something and practice it without necessarily knowing the name or knowing that there is a name for it

Suddenly she realized that everything that has a name now must have been experienced by human beings before the name was given to it and it was they who had invented a name for it

We don’t know what it will be in another language like Italian or German either

Annie came running in lb into the kitchen wearing some green trousers and a purple top. She had no makeup on at all which is very unusual for this dear lady.What was wrong with her? Could you be about to change gender?

Mary are you feeling better? Who are you talking to? Anything exciting?

Oh it’s Leonora do you remember her? She used to teach in Huddersfield polytechnic where I took a course in algebraic mythology.

Don’t be ridiculous if you wanted to learn algebraic mythology you would have gone to East Barnet University. How Annie got this idea is a mystery since she is a very uneducated and thoughtless person but who knows? Some people become more intelligent as they get older especially if they wear a lot of makeup filled with dangerous chemicals.

Well never mind I can’t remember where I met her but she is very clever and she’s just come back to this country from Australia

Well she must be  short of company if she’s phoning you now after 20 or 30 years of absence. Was she in fact a colleague of yours?

How can you say something so rude to me? I am stunned

Oh I’m sorry Mary. I am feeling  depressed at the moment and sometimes that can make me cruel.

I forgive you  because I’ve known you for many years al. I know chronic pain can make people behave badly as well in fact there’s a higher risk of suicide for  those people. But in the current political climate we’re all at a higher risk of suicide or murder.

Why are you feeling so depressed, do you know? Of course that is the thing we often don’t know why we are depressed and that is what is so horrible about it because we don’t know what to do.

Is it just a chemical reaction that’s gone wrong in the brain or is it some indication that we are locking for a deep meaning to our lives or maybe we just hate the society we’re living in especially the newspapers.

I’m not sure perhaps it’s the spring sunshine that can bring on seasonal ineffective disorder.

Well I will say goodbye to Leonora and I will make you a lovely cup of tea in the kitchen with Emile. He will be thrilled to see you with your purple lipstick and your green eye shadow which had mysteriously appeared by themselves on Annie’s face. Free at the point of contact just like the nhs

Mary I’m so fortunate to have you as my friend.

Some people would never speak to me again if I was rude to them

Well we should never jump to conclusions especially . And this is a very minor offense that you have committed compared to what politicians do every day but even our politicians here are nothing like so bad as Ronald Stump

According to the Times readers we have to become resilient and not let things affect us but unfortunately they don’t say how.

Well we can talk about that while we have our tea

I’d rather talk about fashion really I believe yellow is the color for this year

Oh for God’s sake Emile cried. I hate the colour yellow except on flowers and the sun but I do not like women wearing yellow clothing.

Emil you are just a cat but you are very wise so we will talk about something else altogether namely what we shall have for our supper.

I’d like sardines on toast,the cat purred

Then I will do the washing up for you

I want to wash my fur tonight

Your wish is my command Mary cried

Thus it did transpire

What the two women ate is a total mystery

Send your ideas on a postcard. You might win 10 pounds for the the best suggestion on the other hand you may not win anything at all because I’m too tired to think about it

Mary goes to the clinic

jug and bottles 4

Mary was sitting down feeling quite lonely in the waiting room  outside the doctor’s office when she saw Emile hiding under a chair..

What are you doing,she whispered.I’m glad of your company though.

I jumped into your cab, the cheeky cat informed her proudly

I want to be there when he examines you in case he makes vulgar remarks

Don’t worry,she answered,they always have a chaperone nowadays.

Just then a pretty young black nurse  took Mary into a room and said to her

Take off your underpants!

I don’t wear underpants,said Mary,but I can go home and get my husband’s if you want me to.

We use underpants as a generic term,the nurse informed her in a kindly  yet menacing voice.

Wow,they are so intelligent nowadays,I don’t think I knew what generic meant till recently Mary told herself stupidly

I have no underpants,Emile mewed. crossly

No and I am not making you any.I have quite enough washing to do already.Mary responded like a mother.

It’s not fair, said Emile.All my friends have underpants and T shirts too.

Soon the doctor came in and looked nervously at Mary and  then at her   female parts.

Mary was used to this but all of a sudden she got a  nasty pain

Ow,ow,ow,she shrieked,what is that?

It’s ok,said the nurse,just old ladies are not used to this sort of thing.

I’ll have you know many older ladies are very used to it but not when they are unaroused.Besides men’s organs are  kinder than metal or plastic if the lady is willing.Can’t you put more lubricant on the damned thing

The doctor tried to remove the speculum but was clearly somewhat agitated.

Ouch,cried Mary.Ouch.

Thank goodness I didn’t know it would hurt.Do you think we should be shown a romantic mildly arousing film in the waiting room to make it easier?

We can’t do that,said the nurse.We might be accused of running a brothel.Still we  could use more money in here.

But the doctor is not paying me,said Mary.I am paying him, in a sense,as a taxpayer.And you too,dear.

You are too clever for me,said the nurse sharply as she admired Mary’s  tan leather handbag from TKMaxx stuffed with set squares and cameras

I shall bring a vibrator next time,Mary told her,though  she had never even seen a vibrator except in a picture.Still.she had to say something.And why should she not benefit from modern science?Boots sell them,she seemed to recall…

You can’t bring a vibrator in here  or the doctor  will be angry ,as he might be accused of misconduct if you enjoyed yourself, the nurse whispered, though  why should you not enjoy it,she said in a  puzzled tone as if she had never thought like this before.

I thought it was only misconduct if he enjoyed himself,Mary cried loudly and planitively

He has seen so many ladies, it is just like seeing into a mouth for him,said the nurse churlishly thus taking away Mary’s pride in her unique anatomy.

I expect one gets used to anything in time,Mary murmured,but I hope he will not need to do that again to me.

No,  you seem ok,the doctor said,but I seem to imagine  I  can see a cat under the table.What is he doing?

I am just keeping an eye on you,mewed Emile.I live with Mary.

No animals are  allowed in here ,the doctor shouted in a paranoid manner.

A bit late now,meowed the cat.Are you sending for the cat police?

Dr.Grey picked up  a very large speculum and threatened to strike Emile with it

Now then,said the nurse, he might scratch my legs.Leave him alone.He’s just protecting her.And I had just sterilised that.

Fat lot of good Emile was,Mary thought.

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The doctor approached Mary and told her she would be seeing a consultant soon… in the meantime should she  do anything to prepare… she asked.

Well, do try to relax if you can, he told her gently.It is trying for ladies  of riper years to attend hospitals but we only want to help you.

I’ll have to help myself,Mary thought wryly lauging inside as she got down off the table and put on her red and purple knickers or “underpants” as they are now referred to as.

Thank God,that is over,she whispered to Emile.Let’s run out and get a cab.

She hobbled to the door and phoned the taxi firm  with her mobile.I just want to get home she told the driver.

Don’t we all, he said in an Eton accent.Surely it’s not David Cameron in disguise canvassing patients?Thank God he’s not conducting pelvic exams on them!That would lose him the election whether he was  any good or not… in my view,but then what do I know about the British electorate?It might be the key to our future as a nation.Think about it!

Mary gets wooed

Mary does maths and gets a boyfriend

Abstract on lemon
 
 
 
Source: Kathryn1000

Stan was polishing the door knocker with Duraglit.

Mary was upstairs working at her desk reading an article on

algebraic numbers and sorting out her post.

She got an instant message from a former colleague in the maths

Department.

Hi,Mary.how are you?

I’m fine,Tim.How are you?

Well,I really miss the department!

I’m sorry.

Actually Mary,it’s you I miss.

But you hardly ever spoke to me.

No,but i looked at you.You are very beautiful.

Well,you are very handsome.

You know what I’d like?

No.

I’d like a photo of you in your underwear.

I haven’t got any photos!

Can’t you get some?

Well,I suppose i could use my webcam and photograph my top half.

Oh. how nice!

Then i guess I could sit on the photocopier and photograph my bottom
but I don’t think I can do them both at once.

How about you go  to to a pool in a bikini?

I don’t wear a bikini.

I don’t mind if you are nude!

Well,I am a bit startled by this.I thought all we shared was an interest in quadratic forms.

Well,I’ve moved on to your form,Mary.

Well,you know I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I thought he looked lonely.

Do you know him?

Not in the Biblical sense!Just to speak too.

I thought he was dead.

Not at all…he’s turned into a parrot.Meanwhile how about some minimalist photos?

No,,you’ll have to meet me in Cafe Zero.

Which one?

In Knittingham.

Will I recognize you by the bikini?

Why do you like bikinis so much?

I’ll see what my therapist thinks.

I want to know what you think.

I love you,Mary.

Well,since Stan has Annie I guess I can have coffee with you.
Then we can discuss Platonic forms.

While I look at your form.

Is that my Health Form?

No,your bodily form.

I have no body now!

What happened/

I’ve been downloaded into the new computer.

I thought your voice sounded odd.

Shall I email myself as an attachment to you?

I’d like to think about that.

Well.goodbye Tim.

Goodbye,you little minx.

A minx…what next?

Bring me your minx,dill,dilly

Bring me your inks

when I’m in love,dilly,dilly,

I love those links.

 

The disaster with Mary’s pinking shears: Stan errs again

« Catching some words..first draft Wildfowers »

abstract war on terrorStan was in the new black and cream kitchen cooking the Sunday dinner.As usual in the North it was roast beef and Yorkshire puddings.Stan was very good with Yorkshire puddings.They ate them with gravy before the main course just to maintain tradition.Even Emile,their talking cat, loved a pudding soaked in thick meaty gravy..
Suddenly the kitchen door burst open and in rushed their neighbor Annie… covered in blue paint.
What’s happened to you,Stan enquired cautiously.Surely you are not house painting on Sunday?
No,I never paint myself,she responded.I was in the old shed and a stray cat was up on the top shelf.It leaped off knocking over this tin of paint.I’m wondering how to get ot out of my hair?
What type of paint is it?
It’s emulsion paint.
Well,I’m afraid you can’t get it out!
I can’t go around town with blue hair,she cried loudly,even a touch hysterically.
Well,all I can think is that I could cut off a little of your hair.
OK, if that’s the only way to get rid of that damned paint.Can I stay and eat with you,babe?
Of course,sweetheart.Now here are some pinking shears.
Have you no ordinary scissors? she cried fractiously.Oh,bleedin’ ‘ell!!
No,we lost them.But pinking shears will give a layered effect.
Stan began cutting the lefthand side of Annie’s hair.Then he went around to the right….his left or her right?
She looked in the mirror,The left is a bit longer,she murmured vampishly.She falt like cussing and swearing but she didn’t know enough bad words so far in her life.
OK I’ll cut off a bit more.Stan whispered into her neck.
Oh,my God.The shears slipped,it’s gone really short,he shouted.
All Stan could do was cut the remainder of Annie’s lovely hair so it was only 2 cm long all over.
Suddenly Mary came in,
I didn’t know you were a hair dresser, she said sardonically to her errant husband.
Well,Annie got paint in her hair so I’ve trimmed it off.
Trimmed it..it looks like she won’t need a cut for about two years.
Annie began to sob noisily ,terrifying Emile who was hiding behind the flour bin watching some ants.
Well,Stan answered, it will be easier to wash and dry and she’ll have no need for rollers etc.Why,I could do it for a living.
I think it looks charming.
Why pinking shears?Mary whispered.You could have used my dressmaking ones.
Well,too late now mioawed Emile sarcastically from the bookcase filled with the entire Penguin cookery book collection over thirty years.What a pity it took up so much space in the tiny kitchen.
I think her hair looks sweet,said Stan bravely.
Meantime,you have burned the puddings again.Just like King Alfred and the cakes.Men are only good at savory and meat dishes.
It takes a woman to cook puddings and cakes.But Yorkshire puddings are savories.
I wonder how Wittgenstein would have classified them ? cried Mary enthusiastically.
Not Wittgenstein again,moaned Stan in mental torment,can’t you move onto some other philosopher?
Whom do you suggest? she said grammatically.
Try Carnap or take up gardening.
Oh,Carnap’s more of a logician,Mary said defiantly,
You see I love Wittgenstein as a human being.
Are you committing adultery with him ?Stan demanded thoughtfully his eyes bright like lasers.
That’s a wild exaggeration,He’s dead,Mary muttered.And he was,er,gay!
How do you know? That’s what they all say,shouted Stan angrily.
But what about you and Annie? Mary said venomously.
Well,I get lonely with you lecturing all day and studying Wittgenstein and mathematics all night
Surely you could wait till I come home? Mary said sharply
I suppose so,though a harem has always been my dream!
I think you are a bit past it now at 99,said Mary.
That’s not what I think, said Emile quietly.Cats and men…how do they do it?
Meanwhile Annie had washed her hair an it dried in tiny uneven curls all over her head.
It looks quite fetching,they decided as they sat down to eat the charred Yorkshire puddings.
What an exciting Sunday especially for Stan who enjoyed touching and playing with women’s hair.
I wonder if it’s a mental illness?I’ll have to look on the internet.Still, better than panic attacks, he thought
consolingly as he carried the roast beef onto the dining room where the women were discussing religious topics including a curiosity about why Christians were so anti Semitic despite Jesus’ wish for people to love each other.and besides being God,He was also a Jewish person too.
That’s interesting,Stan thought,here people think he’s English!What a weird world it is,to be sure.God was not a white Eton educated man.He may have been brown with a long black beard and a moustache.Did he smoke?
Only when he thought nobody was looking!Then he had flames coming out of his ears,Well,it made him laugh,you see.It’s Sunday soon so get ready.The Lord is nigh and he has a new hat on too

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