Tag: humor

E-nailed with flowers

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From stan.tan@tandem.com To Mary@tandem.com

Hi Mary,I recollected you are my wife.I do not require a wife who is interested in philosophy but as you are so perfect in all other ways,I guess I can’t throw you over yet.Besides I am 99 next week and probably senile.So just ignore my rude jokes and stupid answers From your adoring husband Stan .. as to what I adore,let’s keep it a secret.

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Hi Stan,I can’t remember why the hell I married you as you are the opposite of all i need and desire.Would you mind if my boyfriend moves in.He is doing a D,Phil on Wittgenstein and food so it could be quite stimulating at dinner time.Not that Wittgenstein ate much but Tom had to find a new angle,as it were,on the great man…I also wondered of he could bring in Lacan but as I find him so implacably  hostile to understanding i have refused the thoughts.As you and i no longer share a bed,you won’t even notice Tom is with me.. I hope not as men can be very jealous even if they don’t want their wife,they don’t want another man to enjoy her sumptuous appeal.as it were,in a manner of speaking.you get my drift.Well,to cut a long story short i slept with Tom and he smells good…so he;s coming to stay for the weekend.I hope you have done the baking

The Conference is the most boring I’ve ever endured on numbers.Irregular,regular,passive,impassive,neutral,live, it’s not mathematics as I have known it before,more like a tabloid newspaper.Still, it’s probably some post modern slant.. wonder what comes after postmodern… Prefuture? Premature,Pre stupid…

i wonder if I can continue.Please pump  up my tyres and clean the computer and I’ll see you Friday as per norm,therm an derm

A hug from your devoted wife,Mary

I’ll put you in my pocket

English: The National Champion Black Walnut (J...
English: The National Champion Black Walnut (Juglans nigra) on Sauvie Island, Oregon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love you like I’d love a black walnut.
You’re so rare I can’t eat you.
I’ll put you in my pocket
and take you with me
when I go in town
I’ll feel your crinkles and your wrinkles,
But nobody will know.

I love you like I’d love a comice pear.
I’ll put you in a golden bowl.
I’ll let the sun shine on you,
Till you are ripe.
I’ll put you in my bag,
Take you to a meadow of buttercups
And devour you.
And nobody will know.

I love you like I’d love a flower.
I’ll give you my best vase.
I’ll stand it in the window.
Then I’ll look at you all day
With my peripheral and my central vision,
Till your pattern is embedded in my brain.
I’ll sleep well and dream of you all night.
I’ll wake up and remember it all.

And nobody will know.

Related articles

The oxymoron class

There is a sentence often spoke
In jest or repartee:
“See how the cookie crumbles,mate.
Why don’t you have more tea?”

But my cookies don’t crumble
They bend in multi-ways.
Why here are some I made for you
Only yesterday.

You want to know why cookies bend?
Well,mine are made from rubber.
They look impressive on the plate…
As good as any other.

But when you pick one up to start
And press it in your hands
It does not crumble,but just falls
Into a thousand rubber bands.

The guests suffer embarrassment
As they gaze down in dismay.
But the children and the dogs and cats
are happy as they play.

I gave my lover,one cookie
I gave him three or four
But he was never satisfied
Until I gave him more.

Then when I met him later on
He seemed to be in pain…
And claims his doctor told him off
For eating food again.

So now I’m having lessons
In how to bake real fakes.
It’s called the Oxymoron Class
And you should see our cakes.

I made one,I made two,
I made fifty four.
But now the freezer’s full right up
So I can’t make no more.

I want some crumbly cookies,
But mother doesn’t know.
She has gone to heaven above…
Oh,how I miss her dough!

Nothing is totally good or bad,including obsessions

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We may forget

Winter light

A wife can pass so soon.We may forget.
A lifetime doesn’t seem like it when you are living from day to day.
Think of all the water you have passed in your life!
When I lived by by the moors near Darwen we passed a reservoir every day and now the whole place is flooded.
We never went out with out a mac and I’m talking real plastic here.
Never pass a lavatory by or an offer of sex in a rose briar… just call me,Cat.
Never go to bed with someone who’s not got a name you can’t pronounce wrongly.
Logic is useful only in an emergency… what sort I have not yet discovered.
Acdemia is like a bed of nettles… it takes your mind off your pain but gives you a raash

Oh,man!

No woman ever can be she of whom he dreams;
Nor can they give him comfort on the road.
Yet every night he plots and thinks and schemes.
Hence rarely does he ever go abroad.

No food he eats will satisfy his tongue.
The best wine is as naught to mother’s milk.
He grumbles and will not believe he’s wrong.
I‘ ve known more folk than him of this same ilk.

No bed can give him comfort in his sleep.
No sheets and pillows made can suit his skin.
He often has made delightful maidens weep
Crying out they’re far too fat or skinny thin.

Beware the man who rarely can adapt
For in his hidden wishes he is trapped.

Of course when I say man I am using it in the generic sense to include all humans of whatever gender or bender they may be as wall know our Latin and the difference beteen vir and homo.. so homosexual refers to lesbians and virsexual applies to men in the nongeneric sense…
It’s many years since I learned Latin so i may have erred there and elsewhere though never as a homo as yet but that may be in the future waiting for me like that black monster that ran across the floor last night.
Horror and sex seems an odd thing at my age but if it kills me what away to leave the planet.I think I’ll knit a crocodile now

Kindly do not use your own blood for painting

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    Kindly do not have a heart attack when the Consultant is doing his round;he is teaching.You come second
    Kindly do not faint when the nurses have their tea break
    Kindly avoid wetting the bed;roll out and do it on the floor
    if unable to walk.
    Kindly wear a dressing gown when out of bed as this ward is mixed up.
    Kindly avoid  dressing gowns with zips as they can be immodest or dangerous
    After being dosed with too much morphine unnecessarily and having a primula inserted,kindly avoid bleeding to death after being transferred off the trolley into bed when we must have banged your hand.We deeply regret the shock.
    Kindly inform us if your blood pressure fall to zero owing to bleeding from your primula after the nurse knocks on it.
    Kindly do not show your sketch books to the other patients.They are jealous enough
    Kindly avoid sketching the bed opposite you where a gentlemen is screaming in pain all day.
    Kindly do not ask for another blanket.Use your dressing gown.Or scream
    Kindly avoid doing a quick portrait of Dr Brown as he is ugly already and we are tried beyond belief
    Kindly do not reprimand the nurse for spilling water on the best drawing you ever did… it was you who did it in water soluble ink.
    Kindly do not cough at night.You can sneeze in the morning if you like.
    Kindly do not panic if you find you have died.Nothing else can happen then as far as we know.. kindly email us to let us know where you end up.
    Now Zen.Keep calm and carry on.

With my compliments

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The process of writing is clear
As mud that is mixed with black beer.
Just recollect some words
And write down what you learned….
With nonchalance,then, persevere.
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My old man was feeling so drear
>He dived into a barrel of beer.
He swam to the edge
And perched on a ledge..
He complained that there wasn’t a pier.

Mental misrule update

 

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Irritable boundary personality disorder.
Rubber boundary personality disorder
Unacceptable boundary lines disorder
Invisible boundary disorder.
Friendly feinting disorder.
Bully personality psychosis.
Prying personality disorder..
Irresolute male disoyder.
Self righteous soul disorder.
God bothering disorder.
Victim seeking personality disorder
Materialistic greed disorder.
Birds nests disorder .
Failing to brush the hair on the back of your head disorder
Disguised theft societal disorder.
Praying for others without permission disorder.
Laughing cavalierly personality disorder.
Unwillingness to care societal disorder…
Over exposed photos male disorder.
Gadget collecting personality tendency leading to more orders.
Instruction manual induced psychosis.
Translation disorder
Soul destroying societal disorder.
Humiliating others personality disorder.
Spiritual tendency errors in navigation neurosis.
Writing obsession in just one of many:sex,icecream.sunshine,love,wool,pianos,paper,newspapers,photos

Treatment is sometimes rest,arrest, or kinder revolution than before…We hope… or maybe meditation for 15 minutes twice daily for women and three times for men..
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Complaining lady personality misrule
Look here,this is not what I ordered.
Well,someone did!

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We think but do we know?

8282959_f520I used to love my mother
but then I got too old.
She didn’t want to feed me
Because I felt the cold.
My feet and hands were purple
which she told me was wrong.
I couldn’t change the colour
so had to change my tongue.
I used to love my father
Until he went away.
They said he’s with the angels
and small girls ought to pray.
And then I loved the cat we had
And all four kittens too…
Until my mother got fed up
and sent them to the zoo.
I said I am disheartened
Life is far too hard…
or else I’m hypersensitive
and must become a bard.
I loved a Spanish waiter.
A young man from Peru.
I loved a lot of others–
No more than ninety two.
That is just an estimate
An average, a norm.
It’s what I told the doctor

When he filled out a form

He said to me,You err,my dear
And I mistook his speech
I thought he meant he loved me.
But he just meant to teach.
What he meant was quantity
is not what we desire..
One man is sufficient
Unless he is a liar.
And in the darkness of the bed
What matters is their smell.
Some men smell like honey..
much more I cannot tell
for though these men pursued me
I had such poor eyesight
I didn’t  see them properly
especially at night..
I was more keen on Wittgenstein.
and whether I am real..
Maybe I’ve gone crackers

And don’t know  I’m surreal

I don’t want any lovers now
for love brought so much pain
I’d rather be a jellied eel
than fall in love again.
But friendliness and welcome
Are what we humans need…
And cats and dogs and willow trees
Which don’t make our hearts bleed.
One man is sufficient
And necessary too..
Without my own sweet husband
whatever would I do?
He listens with his heart and soul
And he is never harsh…
He likes to hear me singing
Across of Southwold Marsh.
He likes to take the ferry boat
Across the River Blythe.
But now I hope the ferryman
will not yet arrive..
We have to cross that river
We have to let life go…
We have to be untied and freed.
We think,but do we know?
In the silvery moonlight,
Time gets her own  way
In the darkness of the night
Time will have her say.
Time has come and gone again
And so the hand descends
So I bid you fond farewell,
We have reached the end.
Oh,wrap me up dear mother
in my winding cloth
Take me in your ancient arms
for I have had enough.
I’ve loved and loved and loved again.
I’ve puzzled and I’ve pained
but all I want’s a writing tool
To write down words again

Rubber sheets,beds and geometry;the real truth

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Topology,a branch of mathematics, is sometimes called rubber sheet geometry.It’s a sad world when mathematicians have to study the sheets of those of us who have leaky bladders.
However if Tracy Emin’s bed is a work of art it extends the possibilities for scientists and mathematicians.And ths is needed because with all academics having to publish very frequently they might run out of topics.
So we might have a study of duvets and the different shapes they might assume when they are covering just one person,two people,three people and since we are mathematicians,,,,, we could study their shapes when covering an infinite number of people.
Alternatively how about the effect of one person being covered by an infinite number of duvets?Would it be aleph null.. the infinity of the rational numbers or aleph 0ne [the infinity of the real numbers]? Aleph one is the bigger of the two ..
Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet… and it is used because mathematicians already have used up the Greek alphabet.So now we use the Hebrew one which is slightly different.
If you learned calculus you will recall all those delta x’s and delta y’s.
This makes me think calculus is part of geomorphology and I do believe that geomorphology which studies the surface of the earth is linked to the love and study of the mother’s face and body by human infants.
So calculus is linked to the studied love of babies.Can it be that if you had a disturbed infancy you will find mathematics very hard.

Plastic geometry and plastic surgery will be dealt with later.. but obviously again it is linked to love or hate of the body… though our bodies are not usually made from plastic but who knows?

Follow me on Facebeak

No,I’ll never love a hen again..
Her nose runs all day and she follows it on Facebowl
I bought a witch a broom   and now she gives me static
At least tantalize me till it’s light and I can go out and get my hair trimmed.
He gave me a laugh and many   more sinful emotions than I’ve ever had before
He kept me mating far too long.. you know what it’s like;one thing leads to a mother.
He laughed all the way to the bonk
I played a bar and then found many more in a music book
I pray for more catarrh in winter
I generally lay my bards on the table
l left my mark on his back.. nailed my man !
I leave no organ in tune but your double bass  gave me the willies
I’m just a reveller in my own lifetime
I was left by his faltering at the altar
He’s at my wits end
It was the fleeter of my two feet which ran faster than I did
I let the flat out  and hired a wheelie bin just to sleep in,you know what it’s like now in London
Let’s never pall again.
I’ll never wear a glove again.
No,I’ll never write a double negative for you.No. not ever
She said,let’s split now then she turned a  perfect cartwheel
My identity never achieved revolution
He preys all night and an owl is photographing his movements for the Daily Beast
Ariel is no longer a spirit… what would Shakespeare say

Blogging is a sin now!

Hey Father give me some blessings.It’s two bleeps since my last transmission.

What is wrong with that?

I have no idea,Father.

This place is for confessing your  sins if you repent

I know,it must be fascinating.Can you tell me a few general categories of the most popular sins?

But the confessional is sacred…can’t you read the newspapers?They are replete with sin,positively brimming over

Well,I come here a lot and I’m running out of ideas for my blog.

Blogging is sinful.We have been thinking and we have just decided

Really?It’s not mentioned in my Missal.

No doubt it will be in the next edition!

Why is it sinful?

I believe it takes your mind off the people around you.

Exactly!

Can’t you do anything about these people?

I’ve tried praying for them,seducing them,ignoring them,emailing them.

And what happened.

Nothing at all.They just ignore me.

Why don’t you ignore them?

That’s a wonderful idea.

Now,to cut back your blogging you need to learn the oboe…

Why,Father?

You can’t type when playing the oboe and it’s cheaper than a piano..

Gosh,you are so clever.Theology is good for the mind

And your playing will be so awful that it will make your housemates speak to you..

That’s unlikely,they are all cats!

Oh,you nincompoop.Be off or I’ll kick you out myself..

That’s not wholly holy or even holey.

Be off or I’ll send you a rhyme.

About time!

How about the design?

I am thinking,sublime?

I’ll take nine plus some twine..

What is my penance?

Being who you are!

By a large shop’s mirror I sat down and wept

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The school tell me the children are totally nitless now
They are tested daily by flea circuses.. what a performance
And they even know how to read faces and use body language since most cannot talk….
So how can they read? Silently,no doubt
Some children wear nappies in school to save time going to the lav.. whatever next… taking a baby’s bottle to save paying for school dinners..?
Some folk think,why grow up when we die later…. why not stay as children.. but in the end most of us give in and give up the breast for a few short years.. then those with them are hunted by those without.I think it was very unfair not to give men a bosom of their own though perhaps it would lead to total narcissism and we don’t want that do we?Ahaa.

As for their organs?How about becoming a hermaphrodite on the NHS..Two fo’ one.Marry yourself and save money on beds..and sheets and so on.. I suppose it’s boring marrying someone you can’t see except through a mirror
Think about it.. you can see anyone at all except yourself… very intriguing..so save up or make a mirror from mercury.Just don’t eat it.

For lonely harts

They say I have a great sense of rumour.
And I am extremely dutiful.
My hair is like spun mould.
My eyes are like two bars.
My nose is ironic like the poet’s.
All in all I am a site to be ribald.
My cooking is extra-ordinary ,indeed it is plain.
My figure is probably zero writ on a barge.
I am a very rude housekeeper and all the furniture is witless.
My husband buys me furniture polish for Xmas made from bees wax.This is true.
Do bees ever wane?I know they can buzz.
My doctor said I was the second cleverest person she ever met and she should know as there were ten patients signed on there…I still don’t know which one was the cleverest but I don’t believe in IQ anymore.You see mine is 200… and look t my life… then you will wonder whether I have no EQ..none at all..you don’t need it to do theoretical physics.
My therapist admired my dreams as she was in most of then rowing me out to sea.
She wanted to show me a new perspective on life but we had to call the lifeboat out… should i stop the therapy and have swimming lessons instead ? I think if one has to keep calling out the elifeboat it is not a good omen and I could save the money and buy more wool…
What does pellucid nean?I just love the word… is it related to lucid?

I need a bath and the birds have gone so for economy I shall use theirs;

How to books just out of reach

How to tackle your fancy

How to lay your own eggs to save money….

How to be trying to doctors.

How to test your patience or patients.

How to be brisk but not brusque for men and women alike.

How to prey daily en masse

How to spot wolves in the city.

How to play wolf and love it

How to wail profoundly.

How to talk in precis.

How to be feminine and masculine simultaneously.

How to bare a child in the sunshine and get a tan

How to play willy nilly.

How do you see the future?

How to predict yourself easily

How to love bitter.

How to laugh longer…

How to love longer.

How to sleep longer and longer

Yet another lover leaves my bed

When another lover flees my cat sized bed

and leaves me wild and lonely in the night

I wonder if it’s unknown words I’ve read

Or isit that my eyes have known their spite?

I tempt this sin with all my female parts.
They feel I’m like a spider with a bat,
to cure ,devour,digest my ghoulish pests,
They think they should be learning on the sat.

But some who mind me feel they have been robbed.
I give them all detention,I’m a liar.
I give them generous fare and sing sheeps’ songs.
I give them comfort like a hellish fire

Oh,come back ,bad boy ,don’t desert me yet,
The clothes I thrashed for you are not quite set

Books I have red

At my interview for Uni I said my favourite books were:

To thrill a mocking bird
War and Lease.
A Xmas Carrot..
Picnic capers

Doctor give over..

Sins and incivility
Far from the mad and crowds.
The green and wooden flea.
Oliver missed.
David’s copper failed.
Hard Rhymes.
A book of humour for life buoys.
Cookery snooks..
How to learn anything in five minutes a day.

How to  be your own best fiend.

What was it called?

They offered me a job in the library

Y not writhe a book 2nite

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How to write gooder than your pest….
How to re-use male.
How to exceed in business and be very trying
How to bin friends and influence weasels.
How to get self esteem without really prying
How to love yourself on the moors.
How to march well with a strumpet or axe
how to love hard labour.
How to spell correctily forevere
How to earn some knew grammar
how to consummate with numbers and figures.
How to be less intimate with strangers
How to transmute your marriage.
Hpw to be an alchemist for non-readers
how to make love a menace..
How to make love on infinitely long lines.
How to be lesser than trivial
How to fax males and fix emails.
How to dissolve quarrelling forms in algebra
How to phone the dead
How to make money past longer
How to cook fakes at home without really defying
How to write books without sighing.
How to publish and write a knee book
how to get a contract for your writhing
how to use cutlery for creative activities.
How to amuse yourself and authors with really trying.
How to sound foreign everywhere in the world.
how to dissemble and act outrage.
how to live with rage and l ike it
How to stun hearts once and for all.

Doctor,doctor

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Doctor,doctor,I’m worried about my coughin’.
What about your coffin?
Well,it’s keeping me awake at night.
Why, are you sleeping in it?
I have only got  one place to sleep.
If you were tired you could sleep anywhere!
Is that legal?
of course it is. legal
Well,can I sleep in the Queen’s bed?
In theory,yes… but you might frighten the horses.
Why, do they sleep with her? She must have a big bed.
Don’t be so ridiculous…
Well,she has loads of money.. she, could have a bed made for her.
She has a bed maid,
Do you mean someone makes her bed every day.
Well,don’t you make yours every day?
No,I bought one in a bed store and it’s well built and good and solid too,
But do you change the sheets daily?
NoiI never use paper I write letters on my chromebook.
What letters? 
Any letters at all,except French ones.
But they use our alphabet.
it’s not ours.
Whose is it?
Possibly the Romans.Tantrum ergo!
They are all long gone into their coffins.Uno,duo tres,quattore…,decem,duodecem,duagessin’..
I knew coughin’ was very dangerous
I think your grammar is bed.
What a posh excent you have
It’s all I have left of the old Palace.
Well, never mind you can share my coffin if you like.
But is there a bed in it?
Just a bed bug as yet…
I blame the CIA.. whom do you blame?
I blame God and he blames us so it’s pretty much a stalemate.
We need the Messiah…..
Not again,we’ve not got over the last one yet…
You make him sound like a hurdle…
Well,it’s one way of looking at it all.. a big hurdle.
It’s all this talkin’ keeps me awake at night…
At least it stops you coughin’.

Doctor,doctor,the coughin’s keeping me up all night.

For goodness sake put the lid on it!

Those words I’ve never yet understood

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synecdoche/

Synecdoche is a word I never knew.Metaphors and similes we were taught in school but metonym was not and synecdoche is related to that.An example is calling workmen on your farm “hired hands” and so would calling a woman a housewife,perhaps.I doubt if I shall use this word as I once tried to tell a joke at a dinner party involving the word,”solipsist” and it went down like a ton of bricks!

No,for social purposes I need to watch” low level” TV and get used to language which was never used in my youth; nowadays I could say,Oh fucking hell,I’ve lost my ear ring but not,I like a good metaphor that is not hackneyed,Or,what do you think of metonyms?

I also need to watch fat bald chefs cooking daft recipes full of limes,cream and spices before watching the News to find which celebrity is on trial for raping children.Then I have to watch soap operas and adverts for Swedish cars before microwaving a ready made meal I froze 3 months ago.Then I shall be fit to dine with the good and the great in their houses wth magnolia walls , chaise longues and oval beech dining tables.And eat those Nigella Lawson recipes without recalling her ex-husband art collector Charles Saatchi

On second thoughts I’ll stay at home with the dictionary and the cat

an

Stan’s bike

Although Stan was 82 he still rode his bike in the summertime.He was out in the gardenpumping up the tires prior to going off to the Library.suddenly his neighbourAnnie appeared at the gate.Bedecked as usual in finest Scottish tweed with a long pendant on a solid 22 carat gold chain swingingnonchalantly from her neck,with a matching ring attached mysteriously to her upper lip.”Who’re you,the Lady Mayoress” he joked.Where’sMary?” she pointedly whispered.”She’s up with herwidowed sister Joan inScotland ” Stan admitted nervously.”Joan,that’s not a very Scottish name!” Annie joked.”anyway how about we sit down here on this bench for a moment”.She pulled him vigorously towards her.Stan responded regretfully “I’m afraid I can’t stop.I have all these books overdue and the library shuts in 15 minutes.”Don’t worry,sweet heart”, she cried contemptuously.”I’ll pay all your fines.I’ve just come into loads of money.”
“Oh,how’s that.my angel” Stan murmured. “I just shot Bert.If you help me to get rid of the evidence,I’ll share the loot with you.”
At the funeral,Annie was dressed in a beautiful dark brown suit from Jaeger.She went around the room making sure everyone had enough food and drink..As she leaned over towards Stan her heavygold locket,inside which was hidden the bullet that killed Bert,swung over and hit Stan a glancing blow on the temple.
Stan fell to the ground.”Do you think we should ring 999?” someone asked sarcastically.Within minutes paramedics arrived.
“So,is it that chair again?” they clamoured.”Yes,this foolish old man fell over and the leg came off my new antique chair.I’ve only had it a few days and it’s not insured.””Did anyone ever tell you,your eyesare like deep pools in the Saragossa Sea?” The paramedic whispered into her right ear.
“Have you still not finished that Creative Writing Course?” Annie shouted.””I’m getting tired of you admiring my eyes.What about my nose?””Has anyone ever told you,your nose is the shortest they’ve ever seen?””That’s a bit boring” Annie retorted.”Yeah,maybe i should change to Art,” he ruefully moaned.”I love the way your deep blue and turquoise eye shadow is melting round your eyes andrunning down the sides of your nose.”
“Hurry up and fix my chair,and while you’re about it,you may as well take Stan down to A and E for a head X-ray.”
Glancing furtively at Annie in her Jaeger suit with carefully contrasting deep coral blouse and opaque teal blue 80 denier tights with 6 inch stiletto heels to complete the outfit, not to mention herraspberry coloured bra which clashed violently with the coral blouse which alas was more transparent than she realised, he picked up a hammer and began,excitedly,to mend the broken chair.”This is whatlife is all about,my boy” he though

Avoidance can be a grave error

I went to the doctor today

I was full of pathos and terror

I was ignorant of what he would say….
but avoidance can be a grave error.

He looked in my eyes with an egg box
He took my blood pressure and weight.
He said,have you seen any clocks?
I said,yes,but I ain’t only seen straight.

He tapped on my skull with a teaspoon
And remarked that my head sounded hollow.
I said,well there’s plenty of room
for all the ideas I  will follow.

He heard my pulse buzzing bee-like
And asked if I kept my  heart still.
I said,yes,it has a few flea bites…
but it disobeys the commands of my will.

He said, we must give up our egos
and trust in the great dark unknown..
And attempt to give money to beggar
As by our dried fruits we are known.

As far as my health goes,I’m perfect.
I’m average,ideal . I’m  the norm.
But in everyday life I am perplexed
As all the old rules are long gorn.

Thank you for crossing my hands,dear.
II need all of your silver and gold.
Love in its depths wipes out fear.
But don’t believe all you are told

Wanted

LC3_3811An edible chocolate life sized  man or octopus required by hungry lady who  finds eggs insufficient.Please send well wrapped to avoid breakage en route.Must arrive by Sunday next.Will eat kindly

Giraffes need not apply but will eat if desired

We’d soon do that which men and women can.

The rain fell and the clouds hung overhead

As I walked on the moors to meet my man.

If only we had access to a bed..

We’d soon do that which men and women can.

 

The sun was absent anf the trees all bowed down

The wettest winter for a hundrd years…

Yet full of love ,my face displayed no frown…

My heart was  brimming,absent any fears.

 

Th moon too was watching as I ran

Her silver crescent pierced the clouds like joy.

I could not wait to meet my loving man.

And with his lips and face I longed to toy.

 

But when I reached the spot where he would be,

Nothing waited but a fallen tree

Please pass over soon with a helping foot

This love’s a disgrace to me and all women
Love’s a wanker  singing a duet with himself
I love you less than I love a sheep’s eye or a pigsty
Far more than your words distresss me,your body is a blot on the landscape of life.Are you ready for erasure?
My head is winning over my heart so run now while you have a chance
My heart is aching to believe you have gone for good,bad and are now indifferent,
My heart sings to a new tune.. I hate you., it cries
My heart must have lied about you so now I am a suspect in my own murder.It’s just  a plot for a new novel
My heart is a bony lump now and it’s turning to stone
My heart is very ashamed of loving such a pair of nuts.
My heart gave a bad start after you shouted and swore at me.Get out at once and shoot your foot then shoot your other foot
My heart is hiding in a burrow with Alice in Wonderland
If my heart is in my hand I’m dead.Howzat?is it not cricket?
I now believe my heart is a liar and my head is in charge from now on.Let’s use some iintellectual intelligence
My art is fiery and I smoke.I’m a dragon and I’ll kill you if i meet you.You know who you are.May you soon pass over like a grey cloud in a stiff breeze and water someone else

Borderline impersonality disorder.. the latest mental disease

Feeling testy? Feeling nutty?

A new illness is sweeping across the borders of Britain.Have you got  it?

Take this test.

1.If someone asks you the time in the street you
a] Swear at them
b]Tell them to eff off back to where they came from.
c] Make a rough guess because you are afraid they will see your Rolex and mug you.
d]Look at the nearest sundial.
e]Say you have no idea but ask them to come to Starbuck’s with you.
f]Look at your watch as it’s from Argus.. so you could even give it to them!
g]none of the above.
2.Someone at the bus stop asks you the weather forecast.
Do you
a]Say:why don’t you look on your Smartphone.
b]Smile vaguely and say you are meditating.
c]Say :Can’t you afford a newspaper?
d]Say you never listen to it but you’d be happy to discuss Wittgenstein,Countdown,Strictly Kosher or Come Dancing.
e}Pretend to be deaf.
f]Tell them to submit to the will of God.
g]Say:Can’t you be quiet,I’m saying the Rosary.
f]Glare silently.
3 Do you always refer to yourself as “One”
e.gI f your partner asks you a question you say
“One might think you couldn’t read.”
“One might believe that,sometimes”
“God has not told any One.”
4} Are you evasive?

 
So if someone says.Where’ve you been,you say,
It’s none of your business,even though you only went to the Newsagent.
Evasion may lead people to think you have something to hide.If you do then use a different defence..
“Oh,I was just taking a few photos in the park.”
“I went to the library but saw nothing that appealed to me.”
I think you get my drift now.If you don’t you may have
Borderline lack of mind disorder [BLMD
.Don’t worry if you can’t read between the lines.Just read on them or around them.

You are a notorious and naughty person

Image

You are a notorious and naughty person
You love both cursin’ and swearin’
You look like a crane.
Bei mir bist du shayn:
Because you’ve still got your hair on.

You have eyes like pools of  spring rain,

with a certain proud disdain.

Despite woe and pain,
Bei mir mist du shayn,
Because you’ve still got your brain

You have ears like small plates.
And you guzzle like a goat
Your hair is a mane
Bei mir du shayn
Because I liked how you wrote

Stan and Mary go shopping

IImage

 

 

Stan and Mary went in town
To buy Stan a new dressing gown.
But he wanted a woollen one
In march that is not on.

The shops are full of summer clothes
But Stan’s not warm enough for those.
Mary likes to look around
But see how old Stan frowns.

So Mary says,I’ll go online
I’m sure I’ll find some fully lined
Made of wool and acrylic…
Them you can make your pick.

Thank you,Mary,you are kind
despite that brilliant,anxious mind.
I am the best dressed man intown
And soon I’ll have my gown.

Would you like cafe au lait?
I have my pension,I shall pay.
Very nice,dear Mary said…
I’d like a piece of bread.

Won’t you have a slice of cake?
I know it’s not quite what I make.
No,just plain bread,sweet Mary said
She then turned very red.

Mary,you look very hot
Is it healthy in this spot.
The central heating is too high…
She gave a weary sigh.

They drank their coffee and made jokes
About old folk who never spoke…
They bought some fresh fish for Emile..
They alway shop with zeal.
..
When they got home.Stan dialled Dave
Who told him he was very brave
and not to stand near a bus door…
Or he’d fall on the floor.
.
Oh,how i’d like to lie down there
With my mistress Annie fair.
but Mary is at home today
So i’ll just have to pray.

If you’re in pain and can’t have sex,
They say that prayer is second best
Morphine is so hard to get…
and it makes me feel sick.

So tomorrow Mary works
Stan and Annie have their perks
Dave calls round to bath the cat…
How obscene is that?

If you would like your cat washed
Or if your shopping has got squashed
Just dial 99999
The service is divine.

A mini collection of writing

  • Genudirection

ImageGenuflection

 

  • I do not indulge in genuflection

  • As my knees are so far away I can’t detect ’em.

  • But bend yours if you desire

  • To show courtesy to the Higher…

  • The God does not come around to inspect ’em.

  • Tables and chairs have legs

  • They are stiff and held in with pegs.

  • Perhaps I am a chair?

  • Who will sit here?

  • Don’t crush me down I beg.

  • However chairs do not have any minds

  • As far as scientists can find.

  • And they do not have eyes

  • So they cannot be spies…

  • Yet we know chairs do have their behinds

 

 

  • Word origins

  • The origin of the word knee

  • Latin genu as in genuflect.. bend the knee before God usually but also as people curtsey when meeting a Monarch.  

  • Flex means to bend…deflect must mean bend away

Fire Tests

  • ignis aurum probat

  • I married an acrobat.

  • He jumped through a flame

  • Calling my name…

  • with a gold ring inside of his hat.

  • ignis aurum probat

  • Who is your advocate?

  • Send him some gold.

  • Fire burns out the mold!

  • I know because God told my cat.

  • Ignis Aurum Probat

  • Is a wonderful name for A Lat.

  • But Mrs Probat

  • I do not like that!

So I’m going for golden,howzat?

 

  • Et tu, Brute?

  • I now have a Romanian friend

  • He was on the bus at the back end

  • Cum va numiti?

  • Just call me Kitty.

  • Et art tu,Brute?I punned.

 

  • Sing early

  • Encantado de conocerle.

  • My bird is usually early.

  • So hasta la vista,

  • I think I have kissed her.

  • I get up at dawn but rarely!

  • I’ve had nothing to eat all today

  • I sought to sell my soul on E bay

  • Oh,no hay de que,

  • I leaving anyway.

  • Buenos tardes,we all need to pray.

  • My friend met a fan on a boat.

  • Alas,it wasn’t far from the port

  • So, hasta la vista,…

  • The faster he kissed her

  • The more she sang out,please emote.

  • You old goat

  • Kiss my throat

  • Like your coat

  • Sow an oat.

  • Die Zauberflote.

  • Pissed as a mote.

  • Encantado de conocerle….. pleased [enchanted?] to meet [know?] you.

  • Spanish is very like Latin,more so than Italian.Romanian is also like Latin but fret not,I don’t intend to write in it as yet

 

  • Mirror Faces

  • Shadows, on the whole, are an error

  • which predestine the soul to feel terror

  • So if by a mystery

  • Folk sniff your history

  • Avoid all light precast by a mirror.

  • Mirrors can throw out strange beams

  • which can only be deconstrued in your dreams.

  • Allow yourself time

  • To sleep and to rhyme,,,,,

  • Reflections and love are one theme

  • Rocking chairs give an illusion

  • Of resting on grandmother’s bosom

  • How warm and how kind

  • Is the light of her mind

  • I sometimes need such care and soothing.

 

Limerick with Latin

Belief in the Lord has decreased
But in Satan belief has not ceased
Advocatas diobili
What an anomaly!
There are many and this is the least
“
“Advocatus diaboli” is the devil’s advocate”,usually used metaphorically I think