Tag: hospital

Rules for this ward.Kindly obey or face a ticking cough

[Photo by Mike Flemming.Copyright 2014.]

Please do not fall over after rising from the bed.

Please sit down on your chair and not the consultant’s knee.
Kindly do not tell the doctor he is stupid.He knows already and it’s genetic.
The doctor is only a pest sometimes.So act accordingly.
Kindly pretend to listen to the Consultant on his round.He is human.
Kindly do not eat cream buns  or meringues in front  of the Consultant.He is on a diet.
Kindly avoid catching any bugs belonging to or emanating from this hospital.
Please do not swallow your Kindle Fire before lights out.
Keep yourself clean.Take a bed by the open window during a storm.
Kindly avoid dying when we are busy.Wait for a  better time to go.
Kindly do not write verse  on your sheets unless in water soluble ink
Kindly recover before Friday as we are shutting for the weekend
Kindly write poetry on paper and not on your arms and legs.
Kindly do not copy these rules down.They are our secret.
Kindly keep all you hear secret.

Kindly do not use your own blood for painting

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    Kindly do not have a heart attack when the Consultant is doing his round;he is teaching.You come second
    Kindly do not faint when the nurses have their tea break
    Kindly avoid wetting the bed;roll out and do it on the floor
    if unable to walk.
    Kindly wear a dressing gown when out of bed as this ward is mixed up.
    Kindly avoid  dressing gowns with zips as they can be immodest or dangerous
    After being dosed with too much morphine unnecessarily and having a primula inserted,kindly avoid bleeding to death after being transferred off the trolley into bed when we must have banged your hand.We deeply regret the shock.
    Kindly inform us if your blood pressure fall to zero owing to bleeding from your primula after the nurse knocks on it.
    Kindly do not show your sketch books to the other patients.They are jealous enough
    Kindly avoid sketching the bed opposite you where a gentlemen is screaming in pain all day.
    Kindly do not ask for another blanket.Use your dressing gown.Or scream
    Kindly avoid doing a quick portrait of Dr Brown as he is ugly already and we are tried beyond belief
    Kindly do not reprimand the nurse for spilling water on the best drawing you ever did… it was you who did it in water soluble ink.
    Kindly do not cough at night.You can sneeze in the morning if you like.
    Kindly do not panic if you find you have died.Nothing else can happen then as far as we know.. kindly email us to let us know where you end up.
    Now Zen.Keep calm and carry on.