Stan met Satan in his mirror many times.And it was obvious the poor devil was terribly depressed.He said he was no longer needed as humans were more wicked than he ever was.Stan wondered how to help without doing anything wicked.
He went into the bedroom and looked into the mirror.At first he thought it was empty but the he saw Satan asleep in a ball.
Hi there,he called.Satan woke up.
Hi Stan.
Stan said
I’ve got an idea.How would you like a drive to Sheringham?
I dunno,I feel too depressed.
I think you need a change said Stan.He picked up Mary’s solid gold powder compact and opened it.What a lovely scent,he murmured,closing his eyes and remembering all the times Mary had taken it out to put on more lipstick or powder her nose when they were out dancing.
Now,see here.I have mirror here.If you can get behind this,I’ll put you in my pocket and Emile will sit by me in the car.
Without a pause Satan leaped into the gold compact and Stan could see him in the mirror.He popped it into his front pocket until he realised the devil could not see out.
He opened it and placed it in his pocket but with the mirror sticking out.
They drove off in Stan’s old Triumph Herald which was still functioning well.
Sat Nav,said Satan… is that how to find me…
No.it’s satellite navigation.It gives me a route to the seaside.Wherever I want to go
Bloody waste of money…what is wrong with a road Atla.?
It’s all progress.Stan told him.We must keep up or we will be thought lacking
By whom? answered the old devil
All of a sudden a police car came by and asked Stan to stop.
Why are you sending signals with that mirror?the police officer enquired..
To be continued
Category: humor
Make doves want war
I don’t drive as I fear I might thrill somebody on the road.
Then I worry about the pigeons… is it true that we can make doves want war?
The skittle has boiled so where is the flea?
If God did die,where was the funeral?
Where is his grave?
Mourning is broken I think.
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Stan meets Satan in the mirror
Stan was standing on the patio behind his bijou home when a sudden heavy downpour of water drenched him all over.
This is like a monsoon,he murmured to Emile who was also wet and drowned looking
A head and neck appeared over the dark wooden fence.
I’m awfully sorry,old boy.A pipe has burst in Annie’s loft.I tried to fix it myself.
I don’t believe it.You are Stan Brown.It must be 50 years since I saw you.
Stan was hiding his surprise at seeing Rudolf Hairnet,his former logic tutor at an ancient foundation, in the garden of Annie,Stan’s beloved colourful mistress.
Why not pop in Rudolf,he said.I’ll leave the door open and go upstairs to change my clothes.Be with you in a moment.
Stan went upstairs and removed his clothes.His body was now as thin as when he reached his full height of 6 ft 6 inches but alas it had less muscle and more fat. nowadays.He gazed into his wife’s full length mirror.
To his surprise, he saw Satan looking out.Although he knew this was possible for Catholics he had never met Satan before.Not that he was keen to,exciting as it might be.
How do you get behind the mirror,he asked Satan gently.
God only knows,said Satan morosely.
Why not ask him?
I’m too proud,the poor devil replied in a bleak voice.
Well,we all have our pride,Stan told him,though no doubt yours is the biggest in the universe.
Yes,indeed,Satan answered.It’s bigger than Everest
Are you here for any purpose,Stan enquired.
Yes,your home seems more intriguing than most and I like to watch you in bed with that flame haired woman… is she your paramour?
I see,said Stan,You are a voyeur par excellence
That’s one way of describing me,Satan said,No woman will come to bed with me so I am trapped here behind every mirror in the world.I can see it all but never take part.
You must be very lonely,said Stan
Yes,the dark spirit muttered painfully
Are there no she-devils about who might oblige you?Stan asked him thoughtfully.
I don’t seem to fancy them so much.They are all as bad a me,I want kindness and tenderness not just lust.After all,one might satisfy that with a vibrator… we have them in hell you know!We have many things but love and humility are not there.
Why,you are beginning to sound almost human,Stan told him.We want love too.If only you would apologise to God I am sure he would forgive you and let you come into the real world of others instead of being trapped in there
Stan heard a noise.He turned round displaying his bony frame and his drooping organs to Rudolf.
Are you ok? I was worried that the drenching had knocked you off balance.I have out your kettle on the fire to make you a hot drink and phoned 999 for aid.
But we don’t have a fire,Stan responded.
Well,you do now said Rudolf,so let’s enjoy the flames while we can.To whom were you talking in there? he enquired grammatically.
I was on my mobile,said Stan defensively.
But where is it?You had nothing on ? On second thoughts,please don’t tell me .I’ve heard some strange stories but arsing about with a y phone is not one I wish to dwell on.
That’s logicians for you.No interest in the wilder shores of life.Stan told himself as he went downstairs and joined Rudolf for a good cup of tea.
And that is what I need to recover from writing down this very odd tale…
And so does Dave the poor innocent young paramedic from heaven who is just arriving as we leave these two dear old men sitting by the mysterious burning shrub….
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Some recently found Bible pages
Source: Kathryn
And it came to pass
And it came to pass that they ate their dinner
and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.
And it further came to pass
that she gave the man some delicious apple pudding
and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he f ell asleep
By the fire.
And the Lord God,said
who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And he said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him
How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
and the man said,
but Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost Thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said,
I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said,
Why do’st thou not think of it thyself ?
And the man said in reply,
It was Thou that made me,O God.
And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of blue butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterf lies
and so she fell onto the man
And she gave herself unto him
And the cat was very pleased.
For it thrilled him to watch humans mating
and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them
and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily
and never have rows about the washing up..
as they eat straight from the can.Amen.
Thanks for all the food we eat.
Please leave our Earth neat and sweet
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Off the graph
Please do not talk on the giraffe.
Please do not stalk on the pass.
Please do not walk on the graph.
Please, who’s not balked at the crass?
Please leap off the double bass.
Please keep off my ass.
Please weep onto the grass.
Please take my words for a canter.
Please meet my aunt and arrest her.
Please leave the belle a stone
.
Please do not land me upside down
Please never send me your frown
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She loves Stan and his cat
Oh,Stan is feeling happy.
His wife has gone away.
She’s gone out to Australia.
She won’t be home till May.
Oh,Stan has got a mistress.
She lives next door to him.
She is very curvy.
She won’t go to the gym!
Her first name it is Annie.
She loves Stan and his cat.
She wears far too much makeup.
Her lips are very fat.
She wears bright coloured stockings.
Her handbag’s apple green.
She wears a dark red jacket,
In case she meets the Queen.
Stan loves Annie dearly.
He loves his wife as well.
What will be the outcome?
I’m damned if I can tell.
They’ve been in this threesome
For twenty seven years;
Even though Stan’s mother
Said it would end in tears.
Mary is Stan’s wife.
They only had one child.
Her name is little Lyra
.and she is very wild.
She looks like a crazed tiger.
Her eyes are very sharp.
But Lyra’s a musician.
She plays an Irish harp.
Stan wanted more children,
But Mary went off sex.
She never lets him love her
Except via a text.
She called him her sweet baby
.
She called him little lamb.
Stan gets very angry.
For Stanley is a man.
He wants to join with Mary
Like couples usually do
.He wants to unite with her
But she always has flu.
So now she’s giving lectures
In the southern hemisphere
So Stan makes love to Annie
And swigs ten pints of beer.
The cat Emile is watching.
He keeps a daily log.
Stan has bedded Annie
Right there on the rug.
He’d vacuumed it that morning
To Emile’s great surprise.
The antics performed on it
Have opened Emile’s eyes.
Now they go to the kitchen
And microwave a meal.
Then Stan says to Annie
“I love the way you feel
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Mary wants a woollen vest
Winter had almost come to Knittingham,yet owing to the late summer and wet autumn,many trees still had their leaves,,,,,,,,,,,some were even green.Stan and Mary were sitting in their mock Tudor cottage style kitchen eating muffins and honey.
Wow,it’s so cold,Mary remarked.Now,Mary I have told you before that Wow is not a word I expect to hear from such a highly educated person.Stan said wistfully
Bollocks,Mary answered in a tone not unlike the late Rose Nordloch,philosopher extraordinaire who was famed for her obscene talk.I am thinking of buying some woollen vests,she continued nastily.Good grief!
What is it, my darling Stan said nosily.Mary was looking at a catalogue of ladies clothing.
They are £39 each,she said wonderingly.If I get three it will be nearly £120 plus postage.
Can’t you just buy one and wear it all winter like the Tudors did,Stan demanded charmingly
I think it would get smelly,Mary answered benignly.We should get wool vests from the Government to save us from going to A and E with double pneumonia,she continued softly…Shall we mention it at the Labor Party meeting?
No,no,Stan cried,I want your lingerie to be a secret…
A woollen vest is hardly lingerie,she retorted…
Everything a lady wears under her dress is lingerie….bras,knickers,pantaloons,petticoats,vests,corsets,suspender belts…………………..But some lingerie is more sensual…Stan said wistfully,recalling the brown silk underwear Mary used to wear before feminism made most lingerie a No,No!
Anyway,Mary said,we are too old for sex….
but not too old to have a few fantasies,Stan thought… and woollen vests did not feature in his… he preferred lace and silk with a hint of perfume..
Emile came in and he too asked for a vest and some underpants… .. but suppose I wet them? he fretted as cats do
Well,you can’t have a nappy,Emile.Stan informed him courteously
I have no desire for such things,Emile mioawed angrily…where is my food?
Oh, yes… it’s in the fridge,said Stan.He took a large goldfish out of the fridge
Where did you get that from? Mary asked fearfully….Oh,that tom cat down the road knocked a fish tank over and he gave Emile one.
But they are pets!She shrieked…. ring 999.
Dave the bisexual paramedic strode in.
It’s Frank,the gold fish,said Mary.Is he dead?
He is not quite dead,Dave answered…get a bowl of rain water.He put Frank into the bowl and Frank began to swim…
Well, that’s a bloody miracle,Mary screamed…
Just call him Lazy Lazarus.Dave quipped…he was in suspended animation.. fish are very clever.Would you like me to clean out the kitchen or fetch in some coal for the scuttle?
Thanks but not today,Dave.We were just discussing vests.Do you wear one?
Oh,yes.he said, and I wear a short petticoat too.
Very wise,Mary informed him.Underwear keeps me warm.
And it makes me hot,thought Dave…. but he said nothing.He kept his sex life almost a secret.
Vests,thought Mary.
To buy or not to buy
That is my question
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Mary gets worried
Mary was feeling a bit off colour.Then she found a scary looking thing on her neck…
Stan,she moaned,come here!
What is it my duck.Stan cried.Are you alright..
No,Mary replied,I just looked in the mirror.
Well,dear,you still look young to me,the dear old man replied… still I suppose it must be hard for someone who was o nce very beautiful.
No,it’s not that,she responded faintly.
What is it then?Did you see Satan?
Not directly,she told him gently… but I saw this funny looking thing on my neck…
Have your lovers been biting you,he enquired caringly.
Stan,I have no lovers.
I find that hard to believe,he replied.
I am your wife,she told him.
Are you really?I forgot…Well,if you’d like a lover I am ok with that.I am getting past it.
Well considering your behaviour you have not got a leg to stand on….
Mmmm, he murmured,I am a man,you see.
I know you are a man… I married you for that reason.
How kind.If I went in for a sex change op,how would you feel?
How would YOU feel she said.They won’t be wasting money on that any more.Why you have to wait 6 months for cancer ops.
Only if it is a “non-worrying cancer” which nevertheless
” must be removed before it invades the nearby structures” they reminded each other.
I am wondering if this thing which you claim is a love bite is in fact a cancerous lesion…
I know.I was wondering.And they’ve not done the first yet.
I think we should see the doctor.
I want to do more than see him.I’d like to speak to him.
What will you say?
Hello,you are my doctor,are you not?
That’s a bit pedantic..
Take a decco at this thing on my neck,which by the way is not a result of having sex with a vampire.
Do you always decide what to say before you go?
No,I usually write my concerns on a sheet of paper and hand it to him, being as I am a disordered avoidant personality.
That’s a good idea as he hates people rabbiting on.
Does he?
Yes,he told me off for asking how he was!
How he was what?
That’s just what he said.I say, are YOU the doctor?
Just because two people say the same thing it does not follow that they are the same person.
But it is a strange coincidence… is it not?
Well,I suppose I’d better ring the surgery.
Hello, we are closed right now,Please go to Hell.The doctor has gone mad…
Did they really say that?
No, he can see you at 11 pm tomorrow in the woods…
I can’t wait…
Well,said Emile,you will have to wait.That’s what you always tell me…
Emile,you are a very intelligent cat.
Thank you miaowed the furry beast in a jolly voice.
May I come to the doctor’s with you.
Wait and see,said Mary rudely.I have a lot on my mind . I am getting too irritable . I might upset somebody.
A lot of people get irritable when stressed,said Stan
Yes, cats do as well, concurred Emile.. then they scratch holes in the carpet and gnaw the furniture….
That explains a lot,Mary said.I think you need a tranquilliser,Emile…. even cats can have nervous troubles…You may need therapy if we can afford it.Then you can study mentalising and read Peter Fonagy.What fun that will be,not.
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Feeling blorgy
If you store plenty of words in a word freezer you will be able to write a poem or letter very rapidly.Alternatively,you can store some dried words in polythene bags in a cupboard and add some moisture like tears to them when you want to write.This gives you some information about our era; that we spend time now,preparing for a fictive future and if you do store words they may be out of date before you use them.
The best way to always have words at hand is to read a lot of novels and poems.Even reading newspapers can teach you new words.
You don’t need to make an effort to recall them.Your mind will remember the ones that are for you.
You might try inventing words.I have done that but I’ve not kept a list.Sometimes it’s for fun; sometimes it’s to fill a space..
I am feeling blorgy today.. I feel like writing a blog with a guy but could also mean having a blog orgy…. could we do that?
We did have a blog tea party once but having an orgy could be tough at a distance…Still,who knows? Keep me informed,please.
You recall a song,feeling groovy.. well put blorgy instead of groovy!
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How I became an amateur poet and artist on the Internet.Part3.
I love color very much.I am profoundly affected by it
One of my nieces was at University doing English. Literature Thinking of my past life,I suggested she do Creative Writing if it were possible.It was.She wrote short stories for her assessments.During bad winter weather she was unable to access her computer at the University. and read her notes.When she did she got writer’s block.I sent her some ideas from my notebook and she manages to complete her assignment and got a First.One of my notes was about seeing a woman whose husband left her.She was recovering and was out in the snow with a big dog on a lead pulling her forward!
…And one day I thought,maybe I can writ too.So I started to try to write more frequently.As I have some health problems and disabilities I find it very satisfying to do creative work.And I am happy to get criticism because it helps me.Some of my early poems were good.Some were not.Here is a strange one I wrote in 2010
But first,thank you,Helen ,my niece,for helping me to begin writing.And thank you to the folk on my first blog who encouraged me so much. Thank you to my brother and sister and others for reading me on Facebook,I take all the blame for the flaws in my writing! I k eep editing but it’s hard to know when to stop.
DIRAC’S CATS :NONSENSE VERSES
I dreamed I rowed in a large pea green boat
Accompanied by seventeen cats.
And across the Great Lake,without a mistake
I saw mountains of gentleman’s hats.
I was making no waves in my effort to move,
The cats were discoursing on geometry.
I looked in the mirror fixed onto my boat,
The moon spoke entrancing Theology.
“I wonder who’ll help me”I thought to myself,
When I saw an entire spectrum of men–
Dirac, Archimedes,Niels Bohr, with their theories.
I got my great inspiration just then.
I need seventeen physicists,that’s one for each cat,
All tied to my boat with a chain.
The force they exert will just compensate
For the magnetic attraction of rain.
Paul Dirac came up, and I looked into his eyes,
They were full of anxiety and pain.
“I am sorry I am unable do what you wish,
But my father never taught me to swim.”
“That is perfectly alright”,I politely replied,
“You can walk on the water instead”
So that’s how my boat and its cargo of cats
Were accompanied back to my bed.
When I awoke the next day,I was filled with dismay.
I saw that Paul Dirac was gone,
With the cats and the boat,of which I just wrote
And I was now completely alone.
I took a quick look,in my old physics book
And there was a photo of Dirac
I stared at his eyes,and I am not telling lies,
He threw me a very strange look.
I caught this strange look,it’s here in my book.
I am saving it for a special event.
When I gather more Data on Relative Quanta,
I’ll understand just what Dirac meant.
The digital art came later.And even later my stories about Emile the cat and Stan his owner.You can see a few on my blog
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With charms like
I was unready for anything,
with no charms, like a bee.
Each fresh day is torture..
When you don’t hate me.
I was as tame as a mango,
I was alright in my mind.
Each night was a daydream
Where you were so kind.
I was harmed by your molars.
They were sharper than whales.
Each claw brought the moon out.
As you cut your nails.
Rolling stones gather….
Your heart is not mine.
I’ll give you what you wish for.
It ‘s a true new design .
.
As long as the clock speaks
As long as the rose.
As long as the bike pumps..
I’ll remember your nose.
As long as my patterns;
As brief as they are;
As long as my brain’s dead…
I shall parse on a star.
I love a good proverb.
I love no cliche.
When you find some Wisdom
Do not never pay.
Justice long as a ruler,
Sharpened to a screw.
When you are more kind,then
I may leak what I brew
.
As long as the flat Earth
As wise as it’s broad.
The moon in the water
Heard the crow caw.
Please hear my tall story
Sing beside my cello.
I may fail at the Wife Class
But I can still say,Oh,no!
I went to the Church belle,
And asked for a clue.
The finger on the dial
Keeps pointing at you.
The music of laughter,
The joy of details,
I went by the river
and the moon never paled
I know the sky’ s tilted
My muse is with me.
Don’t sting like a buttercup
Nor like a striped bee.
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Ask the wife
I love you and you love me!
Believer!
Where on earth should I be?
Whenever.
I blocked cookies all my life
If you want one,ask the wife.
I eat spam, and google then,
I begin all over again.
whatever.
I ban websites for a living
But my wife is very forgiving,
Men ever!
I eat splogs and gurgle blogs
Then I cut up all the logs.
Whenever.
I’ve been married fourteen times,
They divorce me for my rhymes,
Whatever.
I eat cookies if I can,
If I can’t I get them banned,
Forever!
I’m the God of Monster Space,
I’ll destroy the human race,
Moreover.
If you meet me you won’t know
‘Cos I look like old so and so,
Whoever.
But I am mad and I’ll get you
I eat up this human zoo;
Together.
Whenever.
Can’t forgive,erhhh
Believer!
Where on earth should I be?
Whenever.
I blocked cookies all my life
If you want one,ask the wife.
I eat spam, and google then,
I begin all over again.
whatever.
I ban websites for a living
But my wife is very forgiving,
Men ever!
I eat splogs and gurgle blogs
Then I cut up all the logs.
Whenever.
I’ve been married fourteen times,
They divorce me for my rhymes,
Whatever.
I eat cookies if I can,
If I can’t I get them banned,
Forever!
I’m the God of Monster Space,
I’ll destroy the human race,
Moreover.
If you meet me you won’t know
‘Cos I look like old so and so,
Whoever.
But I am mad and I’ll get you
I eat up this human zoo;
Together.
Whenever.
Can’t forgive,erhhh
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A worm in therapy and other Freudian notions
The psychoanalysis of a worm
Wisteria aided by worms
I was planning to make a carrot cake till my mother told me:
- Carrots don’t eat cake.What are carrots anyway? Why are they so picky?I have to eat all my food or I get punished by hunger pains.Are there worms inside me eating my food or biting me?Do worms have teeth?What is it they like about soil.
Charles Darwin wrote a book about worms…
So far I have not read it.
Worms are the opposite of us.
They never get angry or depressed as far as we can tell..
How fortunate as to psychoanalyze a worm would be hard.
Indeed could you tell a worm to lie on the sofa
Or would you have to climb inside a plant pot next to the worm?
As Wittgenstein might have said,
If worms could speak we would not understand what they said.
I don’t know,I think I can guess though…
I have some experience …symbolically that is.
Or is it metaphorically?
Imagine a worm on your couch.
Hmm,how are things going?
Yurp,blurp!
Well,that’s good.
Werp,serp!
Quite right,I am interfering with your transfernce.
Hurpppppppp.
Would you like a little soil?
Mummmm
Oh,dear…I should not have offered you anything.
Daddddddd.
Surely you don’t remember him?
Herrrrrrrr.
So your dad was a lady?
Oh ,ahhh!
Well,it takes all sorts.
Glumb,glomb.
I’m afraid your time is up.
Tinnnnnggggggggg
You want a minicab?
Taaaaaaaaaaaaa.
That’s £500
Do you take plastic?
No,only notes.
Doh,ray,me
I never knew worms could sing…
Well,you do now.
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I’ll not skimp
The Lord’s my shepherd I’ll not grunt.
Was a Jew’s lamb lingering here,in England’s green unpleasant land?
O praise ye the sword,its works to proclaim.
While leopards rung their blogs all night
Oh,run all ye faithful
Pale St Joseph poor and mental,God has made thee a cuckold.
We worship our bling,its worth we proclaim
All people that on earth do smell
Silent night,wholly light
…. call into Boots later.
[You may sometimes see ads here to make money for me.]
And an angel appeared to Mary and spake thus
Oy vey,Miriam.
And she replied.Oy vey.
You will be bare and wild
What?
Sorry,the wrong script… you will bear a child.
So what’s so odd about that.All women do it…
Well,that’s what is in the telegram.
But they’ve not been invented yet!
Oy vey! Amen.
Drecked again.
What an angel,what a wife!Poor Yussif
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Habberfrocky
With apologies to Lewis Carroll and his fans including me
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171647
‘Twas feelring ,and the grimy stoats
Said,wire a bumble to the knave.
All grimly were tomorrows moaned
And the thrown graphs stones were paved.
Beware the fabled cheesy scone
The laws so trite,the flaws per batch.
Beware the run up blurb and bun
The floor left on the latch.
He spank abnormal words in hand.
Wrong rhymes the grandsons wrote.
They arrested me by the pillow flea
With irony they bought.
And as in his British thought he would
Meet catwalks filled with eyes of glame
He rifled through my saddled frogs
Until spears brought me frame
Uno duo. uno dua
The awful spade bent thick as flak.
He raised the dead without their heads
Then froze the buffalo’s back.
Oh,was it pain,to write and schlock?
Give me those larns my Flemish buoy.
Oh,captchas day,hullo,oy vey!
He smarkled faux de roi.
‘Twas spellig and the grimy stoats
Said,fire a grumble on the waves.
All grimly were tomorrows moaned
And the grown graphs growths were grave.
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Yiddish phrases and words
I asked him to explain how light waves..
And why Plato lived in a cave
Fertummelt,he cried
I’m perplexed,besides.
You’ll soon have me digging your grave
My husband is feeling ferdrayt.
He has been angered by his overlong wait.
The doctor’s fercockt
The lavatory got blocked
No wonder we’re both in this state.
My friend said,why was I farpitzs,
As if I took tea at the Ritz.
I cried,What’s it to you
If I do what I do…
You are driving me out of my wits
FERCOCKT: All fucked up.
FERDRAYT: Dizzy, confused.
FARPITZS: All dressed up.
FERMISHT: All shook up, as in an acute disturbance.
FERSHLUGINA: Beaten up, messed up, no good.
FERSHTAY?: Do you understand.
FERSHTINKINER: A stinker, a louse.
FERTUMMELT: Befuddled, confused.
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Don’t wear leggings in Iran unless you wear a tunic as well
Not having been in places where I might see these clothes I have understood Iran’s problems… where would it end if their women dressed like we do.I am afraid I am very practical and dress for warmth,comfort and colour… besides with my figure I might frighten a donkey especially in the dress.They do say a little black dress is always useful… but this one barely qualifies… might make a good duster!
http://www.al-monitor.com/pulse/originals/2014/06/iran-parliament-debates-womens-leggings.html#
I like this outfit.. very chic and colourful.Yes,nice
It’s obvious which look alright.. indeed very attractive.
When could one wear the others
1. Going to buy fruit in the market.
2.Going to school.
3.To a party.
4.Going to a wedding.
Muslim ladies wear trousers for coverage but the parliament in Iran has just realised trousers/leggings can be more revealing then dresses and skirt unless we wear a tunic dress on top.
5.working in a house of ill repute or brothel.
6.Auditioning for King Lear or Macbeth.
7 House cleaning.
8 Giving a lecture on topology.
9.Going ice skating.
10 Entertaining at home.
11 Frightening men off.
12 Visiting a match makers bureau.
A stunning design a la Nigella with extra spice.This is power dressing if you have the right figure… not that his Lordship would mind even if I did wear it at my current large size… it might serve as a vest or camisole under my other clothes…
Even Mary and Annie would not go out in this.. and Emile will wonder why the lady in it has not enough cash to buy a proper dress…
Not to be worn at a Wedding or Baptism but ok for shopping in Lidl’s.I myself would not be seen dead in it in case it frightened the Vicar.
Don’t wear this if you work in an office… nor in the street trimming the hedge.
There are some very odd clothes being advertised….Make your own by sewing a few dusters together.
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Thinking of you gaily
Thinking of you gaily,Annette.
Missing you like the cat’s claws.Peter.
Do not prebake me,oh,my darling.Joe
I shall forsake all mothers for you,John.
With all my tart,I shall feed you merrily.Mary.
I’ll never regret you,Pip.
Please deport me or let me flee.,Joe.
Your memory will just be a dessert for me,Lynne.
I always wanted a new bed rover,Jane.
What a mistress, what a swing.Jude.
With my body,i flee worship,Cate.
I never desired any lover less than you.It was hard both coming and going,Eve.
Never invite me to share your dread again.Anita
Please pre-decease me or I shall go,Adam.
Nobody we grow will love me quite like you,Eliza.
How are flings with you these days?Simon
I took you to be my awful,dreaded husband.I beg your jargon.Chris.
With all my worldly grubs,I thee endow.also my rods and tackle,Jim
Come from the heartache to me,Tom
Loosen up and be fickle in the moonlight.Charles.
I only wanted bliss from you,Was it too rich to detect/?Eve
There’ll be blue words over,the ravines round Dover,Kitty.
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Letter litter
Longing to see you or any man with wits and a good appetite,Maria.
Hoping for a response to my email before the end of the world,Phil.
With my tested bad wishes,Anne.
I guarantee you will enjoy me if not yourself,Wendy.
I can’t speak yet but my IQ is 139 in the evening and 189 in the morning.. are you interested in statistics? I think of nothing constantly,Edwina.
For my desert island book I choose the Stanford Guide to Poetics as it is heavy enough to kill a bird..what do you think of us as a couple of nitwits? Jane.
I regret to inform you we have to split as I have become a lesbian over night… I had a dream,Christie.
Will you meet me in the lodge or shall we drown in those ghostly waves?Bill.
Please don’t write a poem as rhymes often cause offence.. and free verse causes havoc in the mind.. mine,that is,Tommy.
If you want to talk please phone somebody,your dear husband Ronnie.
If you are angry,please go out and find another woman.Goodbye,Dorothy.
I never trusted a man before i met you.And I should have stayed that way. but I went mad. yours icily,Tonia.
Why read a dictionary in bed with me?Are you lacking in word power or man power or just crazy? Your wife.
I know you have no feelings but can’t you take degree in acting? Your ex-lover.Jim
Why not just tell me the truth:there is no truth? Yours Enid.
I hate you now but I’m sure it will fade gradually as time goes by,Mia.
Why did you never eat meat on Sundays,bread on Mondays and leather on Tuesdays.. is it a new religion or just madness?love Minette.
Isn’t life overorganic? Ron.
God is not a thing,so the priest said… so he needs no dusting or polishing.. in fact he is completely invisible nowadays,Guthrie.
My analyst is so boring he’s like a dead fish;can I talk to you? Warmly Miriam.
I am feeling over mixed as I fell into the Kenwood Family sized cake makr by chance..I was drunk.Angela…do not bake me tonight.Thank you
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E-nailed with flowers
From stan.tan@tandem.com To Mary@tandem.com
Hi Mary,I recollected you are my wife.I do not require a wife who is interested in philosophy but as you are so perfect in all other ways,I guess I can’t throw you over yet.Besides I am 99 next week and probably senile.So just ignore my rude jokes and stupid answers From your adoring husband Stan .. as to what I adore,let’s keep it a secret.
Reply to sender
Hi Stan,I can’t remember why the hell I married you as you are the opposite of all i need and desire.Would you mind if my boyfriend moves in.He is doing a D,Phil on Wittgenstein and food so it could be quite stimulating at dinner time.Not that Wittgenstein ate much but Tom had to find a new angle,as it were,on the great man…I also wondered of he could bring in Lacan but as I find him so implacably hostile to understanding i have refused the thoughts.As you and i no longer share a bed,you won’t even notice Tom is with me.. I hope not as men can be very jealous even if they don’t want their wife,they don’t want another man to enjoy her sumptuous appeal.as it were,in a manner of speaking.you get my drift.Well,to cut a long story short i slept with Tom and he smells good…so he;s coming to stay for the weekend.I hope you have done the baking
The Conference is the most boring I’ve ever endured on numbers.Irregular,regular,passive,impassive,neutral,live, it’s not mathematics as I have known it before,more like a tabloid newspaper.Still, it’s probably some post modern slant.. wonder what comes after postmodern… Prefuture? Premature,Pre stupid…
i wonder if I can continue.Please pump up my tyres and clean the computer and I’ll see you Friday as per norm,therm an derm
A hug from your devoted wife,Mary
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Face to face
I found the message on your door,
You don’t love me any more.
Once you said “Oh,je t’adore”
Confusin’ ,musin’ losin’.
Why leave your message on display?
It’s been pinned up there all day.
I feel it’s such a cruel way.
Posin’,.musin’,.choosin’.
Can’t you tell me face to face,
Are you so short of human grace?
A brief letter would show more taste.
Deludin,broodin,floosin’.
Let me learn a lesson here.
I will not live my life in fear.
I’ll just shift into high gear
Illusion,fusion,musin’.
Once I thought that you loved me.
You announced it on the BBC.
Was it just publicity?
Amazin’,fazin’,crazin’.
Everybody has one life,
Sometimes filled with woe and strife.
Your loss went through me like a knife.
But,thank God I’m not your wife!
Musin’,choosin”,loosin,boozin’.
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We may forget
A wife can pass so soon.We may forget.
A lifetime doesn’t seem like it when you are living from day to day.
Think of all the water you have passed in your life!
When I lived by by the moors near Darwen we passed a reservoir every day and now the whole place is flooded.
We never went out with out a mac and I’m talking real plastic here.
Never pass a lavatory by or an offer of sex in a rose briar… just call me,Cat.
Never go to bed with someone who’s not got a name you can’t pronounce wrongly.
Logic is useful only in an emergency… what sort I have not yet discovered.
Acdemia is like a bed of nettles… it takes your mind off your pain but gives you a raash
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Stan,bisexuality and life
I am removing the links daily
]
- Stan has just got back from church. He helps to poliah the pews on a weekly rota.He also embroiders kneelers.He learned in the Navy.Sailors used to knit whilst on long voyages and sew too.Now he’s home and making some coffee.
Ah ah,the dorbell He ignores it.Then Annie appears tapping on the window.”Hello,what’s up?” he enquires impatiently.Church seems to affect him that way……..odd!
“I’m just a bit lonely as Emile’s come back to you.”
“What about the bee you adopted.Bobbi?
“”They’re affectionate but rather hard to cuddle,”she answered with tears in her green eyes.”They do look soft and furry but they are too small”
“You need something bigger..how about a dog?”
“I’d prefer a man “she said softly and suggestively.
“Why not give meditation a go?” Emile miaowed.
“I’m a bit past it all now at 106,” Stan replied.”But, if you get some rainbow striped underwear from Ann Summers and some red bed socks , maybe that might help with the desirability aspect.”
“I will not be seen dead in striped underwear ” she cried cunningly.
“Well,why don’t you go on the internet?You could find someone younger and slimmer than me!”
Annie looked very angry “I’ve spent 20 years on you.Are you telling me it’s all wasted?”
“No,it’s been useful to know how to ring 999,” he admitted wonderingly.
“But my baking would have been quicker if you hadn’t kept coming in trying to induce me,reduce or seduce me.”he said confusedly
“Are you losing your word power?” she asked curiously.
“No,I said that on purpose.I’m training to go to a poetry weekend at East Anglia University.”
“You are so daring,darling!”
“Well,what have I got to lose? he riposted jovially.
“And all the food is included.It’s only £3,000 for the weekend!”
“Is that cheap?” “I don’t know.I need to look at the Index of Retail Prices or whatever they have nowadays.”
They sat before the computer gazing at the government dataand statistics with pen and paper in their hands.
“I really enjoyed that,”said Annie,”It’s even better than sex”
“Thank God for that,” thought Stan with wry amusement.
“Now I can keep her busy learning more about how to analyse data.I’m fed up with kissing her all day long.Now we can study for Open University degrees in mathematics and statistics and keep our minds lively.”
“Quick put the kettle on Mary is here.”
“Hello,Mary.We are studying government statistics.It’s so interesting.”
“Yes,I know” she answered coltishly.”But a woman has another needs too.”
“Oh,no!” cried Stan,”Not you too.” He fell onto the striped rug by the fire.
“Oh,dear,I suppose we’d better ring 999!” said Mary to Annie.”How lucky you are here,dear.”
“Well,I’ll make the tea.We’ll need it.”
“By the way,Annie,your eyes are looking so bright.Like two emeralds.” Mary whispered.”Have you ever fancied a woman?”
“No,darling.It never occurred to me.So many men.So little time.”
“Well,do let me know if you are interested!”
“Sorry,dear.I want to become a government statistician then maybe I can understand government the from within, as it were.”
She ran out singing “Onward Socialist Lovers” to welcome Dave,the handsome paramedic who was at the door.
“Dave,do you know any Statistics” she called.
“Only vital ones,my angel” he replied coolly.
“How’s Stan?”
“Not dead yet“Stan called spiritedly from the blue lambswool, hand washable Mary Quant rug.”Get me some fresh tea and we can all discuss the latest health statistics.”
Anne laughed merrily but she looked truly insincere.At least according to Emile ,who was hiding behind the television in the corner.”I wish we could have our dinner,” he murmured.But no-one heard him.
Cats don’t like tea but nobody seems to know.Emile is hoping to write a book soon.”Cat against tea.”
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You were doing the foxtrot and he began to waltz,
Language has different rules.A language can be looked at as a game with rules.But the rules vary,That’s why perfect translation is impossible.Many different perceptions are linked into the vocabulary of each language.And the rules for combination are unique to each.
Like dancing…each society used to have its own form of dance though here it’s died out.Irish and Scottish dancing still exist and are very similar.People entertained themselves by singing their unique songs and dancing together… and playing their own instruments.. violin,tin whistle,piano…
Sometimes you make a friend from another culture.Sometimes you hurt them because your singing and dancing may have seemed similar and then one of you took a step which was not part of any dance the other one knew…. so feelings are hurt or the mind is puzzled.Unless you have very deep trust
You may think they are wanting to hurt you.But it maybe you were doing the foxtrot and they began to waltz, feeling it would be lovely to waltz with you.
Then they tread on your toes,you slap their face and it’s the end of a good friendship.But thinking of it as a confusion of dances may give the event a different meaning which ascribes no blame,just confusion natural in such a case
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Emile goes to the Garden Center with Stan
Stan and his bright ,beautiful and wise yet psychotic wife Mary went to the Garden Center to use a gift token Stan had been given on his birthday by his cousin Marian. from Lee on Sea which is near Manchester They wanted to buy a big pot of mixed flowering plants to put on the porch of their 4 bed , tin bath cottage.Stan used to fill such a tub or indeed several himself but what with teaching Emile his cat to swim,balancing the account book and cooking a dinner every day he was too busy.Not to mention cleaning the windows in the conservatory with his microfibre cloth which he did weekly.And all the baking too..he was missing out on going to the University of the Third Age to teach logic to retired artists.
[My art.. from a photo of a bleeding bite on my leg..]
Emile their talking cat always went with them for a drive but he stayed in the car in case a dog might see him and bite him.
Stan said to him,
Emile,would you like to sit on my shoulders,then you could come and have some coffee in a saucer?
No, thank you.said Emile,I don’t want a dog to jump up on you!I will lie down under the seat and have a nap.You can bring me some icecream back..I love ice cream as it melts.
Stan and Mary went into a huge glass greenhouse which had a cafe at one end.How stunning the orchids looked.. such delicate colors and what delicious and sweet perfumes they could smell.They sat down by the orchids and had a large cappuccino each and a very small scone with strawberry jam.
My goodness,what big mugs,Mary mused.Why don’t they standardize them? But to whose standards?
This must be half a pint!In some coffee shops this would be “Huge”
Well,just drink part of it,Pet,if it’s too much for you,” Stan replied abstractedly his mind on the nubile waitress.
What are you thinking?,.she enquired gently.This is the question most men dislike…maybe because they are not thinking and if they are,it may be they are thinking of something a wife or partner would not want to know!
I’m wondering what color of plants to get.Stan acknowledged quietly yet intellectually.
I always like blue flowers like delphiniums she informed him.After 69 years of marriage he still did not remember…but it made life more fun… and more surprising as each day was nearly new yet not quite second hand
The next moment they saw Emile. arriving.He was standing on the back of a large handsome black labrador dog which accompanied two stocky men.
Emile!he called,What’s going on? The two men came over.
Hello,one said,I’m Bert and this is my brother Bart.We found your little cat crossing the road.He said you were in here.Then Max,our dog,said Emile could ride on his back to avoid the mud by the gate
Thank you very much,Max,Mary said in a trembling voice. But how did you get out of the car,Emile?
You forgot to close the window and I could see a lovely tortoiseshell lady cat across the road so I deci.ded to pop over.Emile said triumphantly.I feel in the mood for something which is good for me.. namely sex.
But you don’t know the Highway Code yet,Emile!Nor safe sex
Stan groaned, as it was one more thing to teach Emile.Will he want to learn Ancient Greek, as well he asked himself evasively
Isn’t it cute seeing Emile riding on Max’s back? asked Bart.Do you mind if I take a photo?
Feel free,Stan replied.Allow me ,please,to buy you some coffee.
Thank you,said Bert.Two double esspressos please.And two scones with Cornish cream and blackcurrant jam,thank you
Stan went to order whilst Max and Emile did a tour of the cafe and had their photo taken by several surprised people sipping coffee and tea simultaneously in error but yet in time with life#s music
My goodness,said Mary,I wonder if this photo will be in the local newspaper next week.It’s a symbol of love and peace.
Though of course not all dogs are as generous as Max. Not all cats are as bold as Emile..
Max wagged his tail and smiled upon hearing this.
If you’d like to help your dog to smile please email me at one of these addresses below.Cats can also be enabled to smile though this requires patience and charm and paying me a lot of cash in advance with no guarantees… i need money and am a cripple so please send it immediately when you find a public convenience or post office or a bank or from any cashpoint
Don’t wait.Email me now.. regret it later
patiencehere@coolmail.com
katepeaceplan@yodelmail.com
muchmorelove@catmail.org
katandcats@mymail.net
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Love in Starbuck’s and the sequel
Anita was sitttng in Starbucks drinking cafe latte.She gazed blankly out of the window until her eye fell on a handsome man passing by.Thud!She ran out to retrieve her big blue eye and put it back into its placeAre you ok,the man enquired suavely.Yes,I am fine she said. calmly yet thrillinglyAre you doing anything tonight?
Only washing my eyes,she answered succintly, But it won’t take me long.
Would you like to have a meal with me?
She gazed pensively at his dark and mobile features.
I’ve not been to McDonald’s ever ,she whispered.
Very wise,I suggest that new Chinese place by the library.See you at 7 pm.I’m Tom.
Anita didn’t even know his full name but she was very keen to meet more men as she was 39 She went home and finished reading,”The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm. should I also read .”The Joy of Sex” she ponderedor is it better to wait for it to happen and learn as you go?Besides she diddn’t yet know and love Tom though he looked beguiling. Then she wondered what they might talk about. so she watched a precis of the news. and washed her hair with a new shampoo.Oh, she realised it was for leopards but it seemed to do wonders for her golden locks. What to wear?That was not a problem.She only owned one dress.It was amethyst coloured and had a wrapover front,the style which is attributed to Diane von Furtensburg though it was known in ancient Greece.Socrates may have worn one Anita had got hers from “Lands End” for £13 in a sale.It was a little clingy but she had a most beautiful figure.Or should she wear a pashmina to hide her curves? I don’t know Tom yet she thoughtWhen she arrived in black jeans and a white Tshirt toppped by a beige trenchcoatthere was her beau wearing identical clothes.~And his hair was the same colour as hers.
What sort of shampoo do you use,? she whispered seductively
Why,I use one for leopards.I bought it at the vets.
Wow,I have the same one.Do you think we are two persons who may share a soul as well?
I’m not sure,but I’ll share a Dover sole with you.
Do Chinese restaurants sell fish?
I’ll ask.
Do you do fish?
Of course the food is fresh.
Tom gave up and went back to Anita.
Where do you work?
I’m in the Foreign Office.
Are you a spy?
No,I’m a linguist.I speak seven languages.
How useful.But it would be good for a spy too to know many languages
What do you do?
I’m in the Home Office.
What exactly do you do?
I’m a translator,Glaswegian to English and suchlike,dialects and accents
Wow, we do similar things.
They gazed furtively into each other eyes.
Do you come here often.?
No,not really but I’d love to meet you again.
Why,thank you.would you like to come back for coffee.
Where do you live?
Just across the road in that new block of luxury flats near the train station.
OK,I’ll come.then.I live here over the restaurant.How convenient.How central.how residential.What potential They went into her flat and fell over the cat which was asleep in the hall.
What’s her name?
Apassionata Sonata!
That’s unusual.
I call her Pashy for short.
Not so good for shouting out if she’s in the garden.
They sat down demurely on the mauve and pink sofa.
Where do you get your jeans from?
I got these from Gap but sometimes I get them from Topman
Oh,I got mine from Poetry by mail order
They are very atttractive on you.Or more correctly You look most attractive in them
Thank you.
May I caress your supine flesh?
Please do.How polite you are.
Where shall I start?
At the beginning
I don’t know your beginning.
Well,just guess.
He took her tapered hand and licked it with his tongue.Then he licked her lips.He could taste the sole.
Pass the salt please,he quipped. as he bit her ear lobe gently.
A tear of joy ran down her cheek and Tom licked it off very sensually.
How delicious, he muttered
You are so funny, Tom,she cried.I love you already.
Do you like being tickled anywhere and everywhere ?
No, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Just then the doorbell rang loudly Anita opened the door of her flat as Tom hid behind the sofa with his jeans
and T shirt..
Hello,darling.Why are you in your underwear?
Hello,Mummy.I was feeling so hot!
Is that your wedding day underwear ?
Yes,Mummy,but since I’m now 39 years old I decided to begin wearing it.
Oh dear ,Anita,Are you giving up hope of romance?
No,she’s not!,cried Tom springing up from the back of the sofa wearing only underpants and a vest.
I was just about to propose but Anita wanted my view on her underwear and I wanted to show her mine.
Hello,I’m Mary.I love your underwear.Is it all silk?
Yes,it is ,said Tom,it’s very comfortable. Still thus clad he knelt down and propesed to Anita.He said she should save her golden underwear for their honeymoon and gave her an amethyst ring for their engagement.
How romantic ,said Mary as they both got dressed. I never expected to be present to hear this proposal.I feel very pleased you
allowed me to be here. I must rush home to tell her father and everyone else. When will you get married?
As soon as possible,Tom cried.I can’t wait to see her golden underwear again.Promise to save it.Anita
Of course I will,Tom.I’m so happy you liked it.
And did you like mine?
You would look good just wrapped in brown paper,Tom.I love you just as you are.
And I love you,Anita.
Just then someone rapped hard on the door.Was it her father?Wait and see
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Kindly do not use your own blood for painting
-
Kindly do not have a heart attack when the Consultant is doing his round;he is teaching.You come second
Kindly do not faint when the nurses have their tea break
Kindly avoid wetting the bed;roll out and do it on the floor
if unable to walk.
Kindly wear a dressing gown when out of bed as this ward is mixed up.
Kindly avoid dressing gowns with zips as they can be immodest or dangerous
After being dosed with too much morphine unnecessarily and having a primula inserted,kindly avoid bleeding to death after being transferred off the trolley into bed when we must have banged your hand.We deeply regret the shock.
Kindly inform us if your blood pressure fall to zero owing to bleeding from your primula after the nurse knocks on it.
Kindly do not show your sketch books to the other patients.They are jealous enough
Kindly avoid sketching the bed opposite you where a gentlemen is screaming in pain all day.
Kindly do not ask for another blanket.Use your dressing gown.Or scream
Kindly avoid doing a quick portrait of Dr Brown as he is ugly already and we are tried beyond belief
Kindly do not reprimand the nurse for spilling water on the best drawing you ever did… it was you who did it in water soluble ink.
Kindly do not cough at night.You can sneeze in the morning if you like.
Kindly do not panic if you find you have died.Nothing else can happen then as far as we know.. kindly email us to let us know where you end up.
Now Zen.Keep calm and carry on.
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Women in government and dress
Why should women have to be subjected to constant examination by the Press regarding their appearances
On the other hand, are thigh high slits in your skirt appropriate for women MP’s when you know what the Press is looking for?
In theory people can wear what they like but is there any limit?Would a headmistress or a doctor wear such clothing?Thigh slits are hard to wear as well, like mini skirts when you are in a Panel on News Night,One uncrossing ot your legs and there we see your charming undies…
I think what I mean is to say that there are boundaries with regard to dress and from the knees to the throat is probably best kept covered if you are in a profession or you are in the government…it may be hard to accept but why feed the media?In other settings a highly slit skirt or a see though top may be quite a good outfit to wear.The Ministers in the government should be trying to avoid press comments which is not possible totally but why ask for it
One can look elegant and charming without showing off the intimate areas of the body in work settings.
We seem to have lost some sense.I don’t want my thighs on TV or in the Sun… mind you,my thighs would have the opposite effect nowadays.. no photo would be erotic,so I think though my husband disagrees..but it’s private to me and him
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Is email a terror?
Is he male and a terror? No,I mean is email an error?
I googled all night with him.Am I with child or just wild?
I got phished out of the river Jordan and went West and East as I can’t swim
He has broken my tart with his ink
And deliver us from hacking.O,Lord. And surveill us not
Please flaunt me tonight and tomorrow.
The doctor want half my nose and £3,000… Is this a new rite de passage?
Deport me now,please let me row.And drown
I don’t love wolves by the score.
My floor is always hoping for you to step on it
I love you so clutch.
He was schizo -affectionate.. he was in two blinds about me
His personality was ordered but we don’t kno2 by whom.Anyway he was so orderly it was a disorder if you can blunderstand it like I don’t
He floundered all over me and wandered up and down.. eventually he managed to draw a map of my entire body.Is this usual in a boyfriend?
His sagacity was a fright to all.He blighted my troth
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God’s not on a map
I bought a brand new A to Z.
I bought a map of Wales.
I roamed around the whole day long
Despite the snow and gales.
I bought the Ordnance Survey too
for all of the UK
I looked at maps on Amazon
and even on E Bay
I studied charts of Greenland
And Africa and France
I talked to expert geographers
Who looked at me askance.
Borneo or Burma?
Malaysia or Spain?
What does Father Brown say..
I must read his books again
But giving up, I came back home
And lay down for a nap
Suddenly it came to me!
GOD’S NOT ON A MAP
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Global errors
Please do not bite eyour males in church.
Please answer males as soon as possible.
Please do not sulk on the grass..
Please keep your own pencil in a risky state.
Please do not roll heavy bones down this hill.
Please bring your own balls to the play group.
No nutcakes at the party,please.
Kindly keep your oughts to yourself….
Please be positive about the negative.
The best thing in life is a wee.
Please find your own grey home.
Please turn off your moans in the hospital.
Please do not mumble about all my deficits.
Please be illicit about your desires.
Sometimes it’s better to keep your nuts to yourself
Womb to rent.Price at inquest
He was buried in the seminary with a large marble.
Please defend yourself when prepacked.
Please answer males as soon as possible.
Please do not sulk on the grass..
Please keep your own pencil in a risky state.
Please do not roll heavy bones down this hill.
Please bring your own balls to the play group.
No nutcakes at the party,please.
Kindly keep your oughts to yourself….
Please be positive about the negative.
The best thing in life is a wee.
Please find your own grey home.
Please turn off your moans in the hospital.
Please do not mumble about all my deficits.
Please be illicit about your desires.
Sometimes it’s better to keep your nuts to yourself
Womb to rent.Price at inquest
He was buried in the seminary with a large marble.
Please defend yourself when prepacked.
They say noble violence will soon break out.
Pubic disorder not desired
How my heart speaks 