Category: fiction

Emile, the cat, writes in his diary


I had  a full day watching Stan hoover the bedroom. and re-hang the curtainsHe found 5 pence on the rug.
That makes 60 pence this week.He swore when he saw the duvet had slipped to one side of the bed.I jumped up and stood on it while he pulled it back into place;a bit of fun.I can’t help him much but I hope being watched pleases him.
He tried on Mary’s dressing gown and looked in the mirror.Then he swore again.I think her likes her clothes but that was not a nice sight.
She was out giving another lecture and running a seminar
on something called “Rings and Groups.” It sounds like a dance or a sacred rite.I’d love to go in her wicker basket to the University and listen to a lecture.I believe she’s very popular and is always pleased to prove that “e” is not an algebraic number.
Well,it’s obvious………even a cat knows it’s a letter!
Does she think it’s another more advanced kind of number? Beats me.
What with that and all the times she brings in pies…she has me wondering what mathematics is now.Why does it frighten people?
Cats like me love a nice meat pie and will run in rings or circles
mewing “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” for hours if we get some Earl Grey tea .
We are not into groups though except maybe groups of mice.
Now where’s my milk?I’m worn out writing my blog.
Still,I hope you know what “e” and “pie” are now!
Mioaw.Next week:Imaginary numbers is her theme but  how will I know what she’s planning  to imagine?Can you plan to imagine?

How Mary invented Toad in the Hole


When Mary was  newly married, women were still expected to do all the cooking.
Oh,dear she sighed as she got off her sports bike and went onto the  house.
I am so exhausted but we can just have sausages tonight,she thought.
Stan was very fond of pancakes so to augment the simple meal she decided to make some batter in the liquidiser and  she even had some fresh lemons.
Emile was only a kitten but could speak a few words in English
What is for my dinner,he asked pensively.
Would you like some sausages,Mary asked him  thoughtfully.
OK, the cat said in a grumbling voice.I’d love  a kipper more though
Just like Stan.Stan had been out in a fishing boat from Whitby once.When they were up there he and Mary visited the smoking parlour where herrings where smoked with real smoke.I don’t believe it was provided by men smoking cigarettes though.It was from a fire.
Mary put  the sausages into a roasting tin and browned them under the grill.Then she put them down on the table to wait while she got the batter out of the liquidiser so she could wash  the goblet  before it got sticky.All of a  sudden Emile darted across the kitchen as he saw a  mouse in the corner.Mary was knocked off her balance and so the batter flew out of the goblet into the roasting tin.
What a disaster.Both courses of the meal ruined in one sweep.Mary almost cried.Until she realised the batter was sizzling in the dripping so she put the roasting tin into the oven on a medium heat…. and so it was a new dish was invented
When Stan arrived home he was attracted by the lovely smell.Not from Mary,no, from the oven.
What are you  cooking,darling, he cried.
Mary was embarrassed as she didn’t want to tell him how she fell over.Why it’s  new dish I have got from a very  new cookery book. that has not yet been published.
Stan thought that was rather odd but as he  hoped for some hanky panky later on he remained silent,a tactic I highly recommend
Mary cooked some sprouts and carried the food to the table which Stan had laid.
Delicious, he cried as he ate the hot batter.What’s for  pudding,dearest?
Mmmm, yoghurt, Mary  answered,or hot grilled spiced peaches with thin cream.
I know you like Jam Roly Poly or Spotted Dick but I’ve not had time to do that.We can have  one at the weekend.
I’ll just have an apple,he cried.Will you play, Eve?
And so play all of us.

Stan and the nightdress

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The weather in Knittingham was rather hot.Mary was away giving a lecture on Dirac’s hat in Oxford and Stan felt lonely.He rang Annie but she was out.
So he said to Emile
I am going to bed early.Have you had enough to eat?
Definitely,cried Emile,who had just licked all the cream off two meringues inthe larder.So Stan went upstairs.He took off all his clothes and admired his thin body in the mirror.
Not bad for 97,he muttered.
Now what shall I put on? He found his pyjamas too hot so on an impulse he opened Mary’s wardrobe and found a cotton nightdress.It was a bit big for him but definitely cooler than  his pyjamas.He cleaned his teeth and washed himself before falling into bed with,The Other Ariel a book about Sylvia Plath’s poetry and how Ted Hughes had altered the order of her poems and even removed some from the book .Ariel,which made her name.The doorbell rang.Each time it played a different tune out of the 90 in its repertoire.
He  ran downstairs and opened the door.There stood two policemen.
They stared a the handsome old man with elegant hands
Hello.Sir.I hope we have not interrupted you?
No,I am just reading in bed.on my own
Do you always wear a nightgown?
This is the first time,he told them humorously.I felt very hot so I decided to wear my wife’s gown.
And just  where is your wife?
What’s it got to do with you,he enquired  unceremoniously.
Just tell us,the older policeman said brusquely
She’s at a conference in Oxford giving a talk.About Dirac or Riemann or another nitwit.
Can we come in? the policeman said.
May we come in,Stan corrected him,not a good idea on the whole,especially in the USA where the police have guns.Luckily all  our police have  here are rubber gloves in case people ask them to wash up after having a  cup of tea.
What is wrong? said Stan.
We have found a naked woman walking  in the High Street.She says a man stole her clothes.For various reasons we think it might be you.
But  if she was in the High Street she’d  be in proper clothes not a nightdress,surely ,Stan  murmured.
But you like women’s clothes….. we can see.
No,I don’t,  the old man shouted.I told you I was too hot.And in my own home I can wear anything I like.Sometimes I wear a  prayer shawl
Are you Jewish? they asked.
Only a little, but I inherited it from a great grandfather who married out.
Out of what? the police asked
He married out of his faith.He was longing  for a bacon sandwich.
Surely marrying  just to eat a bacon sandwich is a bit over the top.
Well,that was his story.Maybe he was tired of obeying the Ten Commandments so he broke most of them.
Which ones?
He committed adultery once when his wife had a nervous breakdown ; he lost his head and went to bed with his neighbour’s wife.
And  where was his neighbour?
At the psychiatric unit visiting my great grandmother.Stan admitted uneasily.
Well,at such times we all do odd things,the  older policeman  advised him.
Thank you for your frankness,Sir.I can see you are not a criminal.
Thank the Lord,said Stan as he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea to save ringing 999
I am lucky not to be in a cell and Mary would have had to come home.She would have been cross, he told Emile.Anyway monks wear habits.
But who had stolen the clothes off the woman in town? A mystery  to be studied with Annie when she got home.
At last Stan relaxed and went back to bed with  his books
This is the last time I  ever wear a nightdress he whispered to Emile who was  by his side.
And so hope all of us.

Stan thinks he wants Mary to swear…….not for the pure!

 Photo0071You ‘re  a bit too prissy,Mary,Stan told his dear  wife,Mary.Everybody uses four letter words now except you.
What is so special about four letters,she replied mathematically.
It’s just accidental I imagine ,said Stan.
Is it because they are expletives s have to sound like bullets being fired.For example
“F*ck off, you old sh*t bag”
Sounds different from
“Kindly go away,old thing.”
That is true,said her 98 year old husband,
So why do you want me to swear?
Well,now you have a tablet computer and a chromebook you need an iphone  so you need to talk like the young do as well.
i phones are very expensive and you know me,I’m cr*p at finding where I leave the f*cking things.I forget to put thenm back into the flour bin
Now,Mary,control yourself.I am your husband,I didn’t mean you to start doing it right away and not to me
What  do you mean,she asked in a paranoid fashion
You should be nice. to me
At whom do you wish me to swear ? Mary asked showing off her convent school grammar lessons.
I’m not sure.Maybe when you sing in the kitchen you could alter the words of the songs..
As I waltzed out to f*ck at 8 pm
The lambs were coming  homewards one by one
I heard a neighbour complain of all this cr*p
So I’m going to swig the brandy while you nap
Something wrong with the meter here, methinks,said Stan.
And somehow,swearing does not seem to blend with your personality and gentle quiet nature,Mary,darling.Maybe I made a mistake.
Cut the crep.It’s too late now.I’ve become addicted.I like it .But how many four letter words are there? I might find it limiting.
Some fourletter words are not swearing
like
tame,kind,wind,fluff,hair,lips,nips,twit
but some are like
fuck,shit,crap,twat.
So twit is ok but twat is not,the demure  and placid old lady replied.Anyway don’t you know any more? Damn it !
Perhaps we’ll have to buy a book and learn some new ones but to whom shall we say them
Would your mistress,Meldickadivsa know?
Well,I can ask her.
But is it sensible?
If women want equal rights it’s not the same as being compelled to use words that only workmen used to use.
It’s like saying we can’t have public conveniences for women;they will have to use the gents!
What will they use the gents for,  a friend who had popped in  queried.
For sensual gratification and relieving tension?
Is it legal?
Anything is legal as long as you don’t pay!
That reminds me of Russell’s Paradox,Mary remarked
Oh,my God,don’t say you are on to Russell!
It’s more like he is on to me.
Whatever do you mean,Stan said.
He is trying to invade my mind.
Well,make it password protected!!
How do I do that?
Go online and find out.
Perhaps we can password protect your tongue to stop you saying all those words like twat!
But I don’t want to stop.
In that case you must invent some more or they get boring you see.
Flaff off you crum!
Eff doff you runt!
Don’t you leak to he like trat
Why egger nuts?
Clean your organ in the mawnin.
What is so runny about swap?
Goody bell,the vicar is beer!
Lie down and he won’t bee us on the door!
It’s very dirty down here.
Get the vacuum out!
The vacuum is clean,it’s the carpet that’s full of nap!
I blame you,
For what?
Basting my rhymes in wine.
Well,it’s time for wee now.
Go and but the skittle on the stove.
By George,I feel terry funicular!
I’ll put some neatener in your wee.
I’ll come here again!
Stop that askance!
Can’t I rake a glance?
Show you can pot?
Pot what?
The wee pot.
You are very mod!
Blank you so crutch.
Puck off,it’s time for twerk.
Oh,my dear!
It’s being so near.
what makes ’em leer
.

Stan wants to bake

Stan had decided to do  some  baking.

 

  • The larder was empty
    the cupboard was bare
    he looked in the cake tin
    but  nothing was there.
    Stan had flour,eggs and sugar and of course milk and butter.Emile was under the table waiting for something to drip out of the bowl!He loved baking days.
    Stan had bought a load of blackberries in the market so he was thinkin of blackberry tarts,blackberry crumble..
    He picked up the bag which seemed very heavy.Putting his hand in …..he pulled out a Blackberry!
    He went to the market
    to buy me some fruit
    and now he’s got Blackberries
    he’s going to shoot!
    Annie his next door neighbour was coming to the back door.
    “What’s wrong,Petal?””Oh,dear.I seem to have made a category error.”Stan answered philosophically.
    “Well what category would you put me into?” she asked petulantly.
    “Why are you so egocentric ?Not everything is about you!”He said fluently.
    “Well if I’m narcissistic it’s because my infant grandiosity was ruptured too suddenly and I was not held and contained in a suitable manner.”
    “You’ve been reading that Wilfred Bion again.” Stan said admiringly.
    “No,not just him.It’s some American chap as well .Would you like to read it?”
    “No,thanks,I’m finding Julia Segal is more than enough for me.I find Bion is a bit too mystical.I don’t think I can approach you without memory or desire.To be honest,without memory or desire I wouldn’t want to approach you.”
    “Wow ” she said stupidly,her large green eyes staring avidly upon him inviting him to fall into their salty sea like depths.
    “Shall I ring 999?I can’t think of anything to say.I’m lost for words.”
    “Perhaps you have reached that mystical spot beneath language mostly only known to babies,the mad, or meditators?”
    “Well,I do feel a bit of madness today.”
    “Is that why you have purple and orange eyes-hadow on clashing with your alarazin crimson lipstick and your light beige, but not too light, foundation by Lancome of Brixton and Blackheath,Paris,Rome,and London?”
    “I suppose so.” she replied indifferently.I feel as if I’m behind a glass wall.”
    “Oh,don’t worry.That’s the new window!” Stan explained courteously.”You really are behind a glass wall.You’ve been reading schizoid processes again on Yahoo,”
    “Yes,” she admitted her face blushing violently.
    “It’s those new people who’ve moved in across the road.They are both psychoanalysts so I wanted to feel up to their level of knowledge.”
    “I didn’t know they were psychoanalysts.How did you find ”
    Well,first of all,there were two large sofas, and then hundreds of knitting needles and a lorryful of wool.And I thought,
    “Hello,hello,It must be one of Anna Freud’s followers.”
    “So have you met them?” he asked laconically?
    “Yes”,she confessed animatedly .
    QI went over and said,Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”
    “And what did he say?”
    “Are you all mad round here?”
    “So I thought,”You’re not getting hold of me that easily.””
    ” I said “I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m am an admirer of Melanie Klein,”
    “Oh,how did they react to that?”Stan quizzed her jovially.
    “He was so rude.He said,
    “Are you telling me you’re a lesbian as well as a lunatic?”
    “Oh,dear.No wonder your make up is all running off your face and disappearing down your cleavage.Why don’t you pop upstairs and have a bath?”
    “Well it’s either that or ringing 999>My self is totally divided.”
    “Into equal parts?”
    “I can’t say” she murmured.
    “Oh,well” said Stan “you sit there with Emile and I shall make a Victoria sponge and a lemon drizzle cake without the lemon…I’ve only got bananas and they don’t drizzle.
    “Why not adapt to reality and make a banana loaf?”
    “Is that wise?” Stan enquired.
    “Wise or not,it seems to make sense.” she whispered coyly.”Get a move on or Mary will be back on her Raleigh shopper bicycle and there’ll be no cake for tea.
    “Thank you,honey.”Stan replied. “I am filled with memory and desire.”
    “And quite right too,”mioawed Emile from his basket.”I’m like that every night!”
    “And so are all of us,”Annie twittered on one of Stan’s new  blackberries

How median,how average?

cat2 alone

Stan was just about to begin his talk on “Averages” when a   clap of thunder  frightened the old folk who were waiting to  listen to him, while eating their first  slices of marmalade cake which his dear wife Mary had baked and iced with orange icing
That was loud,cried Minnie  Muddle from the next street.I hate thunder.Her white face did look very pale especially as she used to use Blusher in Pale Orange.However ,she couldn’t afford it  anymore
I like it,Stan remarked,but Emile  is nervous.And there was Emile inside the big wicker waste paper basket with his amber eyes gleaming anxiously and his tongue licking his dry lips.
Well,said Stan,the word “average” has different meanings in different  situations.
In ordinary language it usually means typical. However in  statistics  which analyses data it is used as a way of describing the “centre”  or” center”of the data.
There is more than one way of doing this.
If we are asked the average wage in the UK and told it is £26,500 what does it mean?
Does it mean nearly every body gets that?
Well.I don’t called, his neighbour,John as he re-arranged his tartan kilt over his knobbly red knees.
This is based on people in work,Stan replied kindly.
It is called the median which is that figure such that 50% get less than this and 50% get more.I can’t recall where the folk who get exactly that are placed.So 50% of people in work get less than £26,500.Some on the lowest wages get only about £11,000. and even less if they are part-time or on zero hour contracts.
And ,of course , we know bankers and rock-stars get millions some years.So it’s not  telling us much about the spread or range of wages.How far they differ or deviate.We can measure that but it is based on the mean wage.We get that by adding up all the wages and dividing by the number of workers.
The mean is usually higher as it is pulled up the the million-pound earners.In London wages are higher

 

Example:

GLA Household Income Estimates

 July 30, 2015

By

In July 2015, the GLA published an update to the Household Income estimates. This data covers a range of geographies from Lower Super Output Areas (LSOAs) to UK regions. The full dataset can be downloaded from the London Datastore.

The median household income for London in 2013/13 was £39,100, while the mean income was £51,770.

5230546_f248That’s enough for one day,Stan,whispered Annie.She was looking very glamorous in her red knit dress and purple tights which matched her eyeshadow – she had  got  that in Harrods.It was called.Purple Princess.The only problem was it was hard to remove and the matching cleanser cost £40.As she was on only a quarter of the  median income in the UK she could not afford it so she had to keep wearing this colour regardless…. unless perchance she did some shop-lifting which is, of course ,a crime.As Annie had killed her own husband and got away with it,no doubt stealing Eye Make Up Remover was pretty low on her list of sins or crimes.
Some crimes are sins  but some are not.such as stealing food for your baby if you can’t afford to buy it.However eyes shadow is not essential to life even for a woman like Annie.
Stan boiled the big kettle and made the tea while Annie cut up the  remaining marmalade cake and passed it round. to all the merry pensioners staring at the Blackboard somewhat tentatively.
What about pensions,asked John plaintively.What is the average there?
I think we’ll wait for a few days before we  tackle that or you can google it and see what you find.The State Pension is about £6,600 per annum but many people also have a pension from their jobs too.That is really important if you can get it.
I don’t know how people live on the State Pension, Minnie cried.I suppose they eat tripe and oxtail and such things.Or steal from the waste bins of their neighbours.
What exactly is tripe? her friend Joan enquires tactfully;her blue eyes full of tears..
I think it’s the lining from the cow’s stomach or intestines,Annie cried.
No wonder people go to McDonald’s.It might be a cheap cut  but we don’t know.
Annie jumped up to turn on  the  fan heater and knocked over Stan who was sitting by her.He fell  over and his chair broke in half.
That chair must have been listening to your talk,chortled John swinging his kilt humorously.Fortunately, he was wearing some green underpants and a half slip in silk beige.
Ring  999.Stan called.We need help from Dave.Emile was very pleased because he preferred chatting to Dave to listening to Stan’s lectures.As does the average person in the UK,so I guess.And so will all of us

P1000308

5271657_f248

Mary wants to throw out her bed

phon

Mary picked up her mobile  phone to ring for a cab..On it,there was a message.You have missed a call from home.Mary shivered.
Has Stan come back?
Then she recalled she had rung her own mobile before coming out.Her mind sagged like sheet of rubber suspended between four  tall trees in the jungle..
Hello,It’s Mrs Tan.Can you do  a me cab from the  dental surgery to my home? It’s right by the doctor’s surgery.
She stepped outside into the warm air which felt like a caress on  her poor  numb face
When she got home she found Annie in the kitchen looking at her collection of cookery books.
Do you want to get rid of any of these, her friend queried.
I am thinking of  learning some new recipes so I can invite those awful therapists across the road for dinner.But I have to be sure that what I serve has no hidden meaning especially aggressive or sexual.
Well,Mary said,don’t you think that people differ in what they find sexual?
Beats me,said Annie meaningfully.I fancy doing beef in beer with French bread and mustard  baked on the top.
I used to do that,Mary said.Why did we stop  doing that cooking? Penguin brought a new book every month.I have most of them and ,at the weekend, I’d study them for ages looking for things like apple mousse and different stews.
When we first got married I used a kind  of   cheap women’s magazine approach and most often as a pudding I did tinned peaches with cinnamon   sprinkled on grilled till hot and spicy.Eventually, Stan got fed up with it and so I got into cordon  bleu and using real cream  not Carnation milk

P1000322

Her blue eyes gleamed in excitement and were rendered even more remarkable by the teal and turquoise eye shadow Annie had forced her to wear which matched the sea blue mascara she already had.Annie said.
it will be good for us both to meet new people especially educated ones
Mary disagreed.I like ordinary people because a certain amount of education makes some people very conceited and only real scholars or mystics realise that the more we know the more we realise our own ignorance.Will such folk  like makeup?
Perhaps one of the psychoanalysts will be a mystic,Annie retorted loudly
But would such a  person want to visit us? Mary bleated childishly.
Why not? They have to eat and they may need a new love interest or someone  sympathetic who  will know  how hard their job is.Someone like me,beautiful funny and willing to look after a man when he needs it.
How about a man who might look after you,Mary said  brightly
Well,it’s not quite the same.I like looking after men whereas you  prefer reading about Fourier series and infinite integrals.And knitting patterns,she added hastily as if omitting  that interest would severely anger Mary.
I think we’ll invite two men and two women ,all single.They can bring their cats for Emile to play with if they want.And we’ll eat in the kitchen to make it more relaxed.
Thank God,said Mary as the dining room was full of paper and books.
Why don’t I have a study,she pondered.Or ,if I slept in the dining room, my bedroom has a lovely view and I have an old desk somewhere.
Mary ,in her younger days, had often moved the furniture around and had even slept on a camp bed on the lawn one summer but she no longer did this as looking after Stan had worn her down to a shred of her former self.
But beds do take up so much room.Without them ,the house would be quite spacious.And how about tables and chairs… her mind ran on as she quite fancied a new start  without moving house.
With fewer clothes ,she could ditch a wardrobe… on the other hand ,she could not afford such quality  clothes again  on her widow’s pension.Isn’t life tough?
To think she might  have to stop wear Bowlands of Wrath  was a rather painful thought.Still most of humanity have got hardly anything so maybe Mary will think more deeply about donating some to Oxfam.
Suddenly the doorbell rang.Dave was outside
Are you both ok?I’ve  not heard from you lately,he remarked as he powdered his nose.
Well,I do have an old desk that you can carry upstairs for me,Mary told him thoughtfully.Then we need the floor scrubbing.I’m sure the NHS will pay.After all dirt might make us ill!
And so prey all of us.

Why not boil the kettle?

 

Dotty cats 2

 

When Mary got home,she took off her coat and put the kettle on the fire!She got the tea caddy out and put some tea into the pot.Suddenly the door burst open and Annie her exuberant neighbour fell into the kitchen
Are you ok,Mary asked her gently.Those 4 inch heels are rather dangerous.
Annie was wearing a sky blue track suit,red stilettos and a big green pashmina. Her  make up had  melted all down her face as she was so warm with running.She had  some waterproof make up but had the feeling it might be dangerous to clog the pores.
Where have you been?She asked curiously.You were ages.
I forgot to get off the bus as I fell into a reverie.
That sounds like a black hole!
I was daydreaming so I ended up by the river and a policeman asked me for a date,sort of.
Did you have any dates with you?
No,I only had Stan in my bag,alas.
Where is he?Have you put him into the wardrobe?
It’s already full.He’s still in the bag at the moment.
The two women    fell into a sad  mutual silence realising Stan would never now teach Emile to swim in the bath nor return his overdue library books.
Am I liable for his fines,Mary wondered.
I can pay if you like,Annie,said generously.She got out some home made biscuits and gave one to Mary who was wearing a  long black dress from Lands End which resembled a nun’s habit.
Are you thinking of  retiring to the cloister soon ,she continued.
No,I don’t believe in Christianity any more.Christ.yes,Christianity ,no.
What about Xmas?Will you celebrate?
I shall pray and do out the kitchen cupboards.
Are they that bad,asked Annie curiously, twiddling a ringlet with her fingers.Possibly,Mary giggled!
They didn’t teach domestic science at Oxford!And Mother was always busy cooking and cleaning the grate after she got home from work.
Talking about grates,I’d better look at the kettle.She lifted it off the fire and held it up in the air.It was very black on one side,just like the one Mary’s mother had had so many years ago.
Why don’t I make some tea,she asked.
I don’t know,said Annie.Is this the Xmas quiz?
No,you don’t understand.It’s a rhetorical question.
Oh,do stop  showing off,Annie told her.I only went to Knittingham Polytechnic and we  never did Greek,just Aramaic.I have forgotten it now.
Mary poured out the tea into two pint sized mugs and the women sat silently warming their hands on the mugs and meditating on the  wilful backwardness of the local poly which now only taught Latin,Hebrew and chemical engineering.The latter was an error as the professors thought that was what Wittgenstein had studied before finding Bertrand Russell more attractive.
Russell’s paradox had taunted Annie ever since those happy student days.Whereas she being a lady with a very high libido would have preferred Russell to his paradox if she had been given the choice.

 

Mary oversleeps

M4103903 [1024x768].JPG

Photo by Mike Flemming

Annie went onto Mary’s patio at 10 am and  began  to water her many  tubs.The watering can was filled with rain water though the weather was now  a  little drier.Emile ran behind her admiring her  tight  black jeans from Calvin Klein and her red blouse from Bowlands of  Wrath.Suddenly the bedroom window opened and Mary leaned out.
Hi Annie,I have not gone away after all.I
Why not? asked her caring and dear  neighbour loutishly.
Well,I completely forgot because I was out last night meeting a man from Soul-mates and got home so late I slept right through the alarm.
A pity you didn’t bring him back,said Annie licking her lips.
I cant  bring any man here so soon,Mary   informed her.I rang the hotel and cancelled my booking.With the weather so  odd even Blackpool Illuminations would not cheer anyone up.I didn’t know which clothes to take either.
Isn’t it interesting that as we get better off we get problems like that,remarked Annie. When we were young we had so few clothes we had no trouble  packing.
Mary laughed.My first year after University I bought two cotton dresses  in Woolworth’s.I thought they were  ok but later discovered they were almost transparent.Anyway we wore them  and threw them away.But now few women wear dresses.Look at you in those jeans and you a pensioner!
Annie gazed up to Mary, revealing her  thick Revlon skin polish and L’Oreal cream  rich foundation in golden grey-beige.Her parted lips were coated in moisture rich coral lipstick by  Mussolini and Co. of Argentina and Vienna.
Mary was wearing a long nightgown made of pure nylon decorated with photos of cats of all breeds.Emile had given it her for her birthday.He had managed to type it into the google box on his laptop paying with Stan’s credit card from the Bank of Vichy and Nice,France.
I want some tea,Mary said.Soon she appeared in a  polyester house dress from Daxon of Paris and the Ruhr. lt was covered in   pictures of snakes.
Why,those snakes are rather horrible, Annie said.
I know snakes are in fashion but I shall avoid them.I saw some trousers in Marks but they might give a man the wrong impression.
That is sexist ,Mary told her shyly.They might give a lesbian the wrong impression too.
Oh,dear. Isn’t life hard now when we have to be so careful what we say.I wonder if it is because of social alienation and the rapid changes in demographics that we need rules when before we knew all our neighbours and they knew  us.With strangers we need more rules.
I agree, said Mary defiantly.And I just saw a book called “Compassionate Assertiveness Training”She laughed.
Shall we send one to Donald  Trump.Can you  believe what America is like if a man like that can be President?
Well,it’s a democracy so if Satan lived there he could stand if he had  the money..
The two  women suddenly fell silent.Emile was puzzled as they rarely paused like this once they got going
Is he the anti-Christ, purred the little cat.
Satan or Donald Trump? asked Annie.
Well …. we’ve never seen Satan as yet…But we must watch out in case he comes here to punish the weak and the sick.
Well that gave them all a moment of wonder before Mary grilled some bacon and cut some bread from a loaf she got   in  the Victoria Bakery.
Here you are,she said to Annie,handing her a sandwich.Better eat anyway,whatever happens.Give me some  hot tea,quick
And so pray all of us.
For he’s a Bally Woodfiller,
He’s a Wooly Sad Triller
And all day so are us.

Stan fell over the rug

Stan got out of bed and tripped over the cat ,Emile, who was lying on the orange fluffy Stan fell into a large armchair that he didn’t recall seeing in the bay window So he sat there gazing across the room waiting for his wife Mary to come out of the bathroom.Emile sauntered insolently to the door and disappeared.

With his peripheral vision, Stan saw Annie,his next door neighbour ,talking to the milkperson.No doubt she would be arguing about her bill as she frequently did on Saturdays.She was rich but greedy,not an unusual combination as Schopenhauer once might have said.He opened the lower window and waved.”The milkperson waved back  feebly.
What’s up with her?” thought Stan patiently.Suddenly the doorbell rang.There was  a Parcel force  engineer with a sackful of books from Amazon
“Where are you going to put these?” Mary smiled.
“I’ll find somewhere” he repled curiously”.Some are for Laura our talented daughter.”
“But her bedsit is full already”
“Don’t you think it’s time she bought a flat.She’ll be 47 next year.”
“I’ll lend her some money for a deposit.”Stan quoted eerily.
“And it’ll be your 82nd birthday next October” Mary paused momentously,
“What would you like?A gift voucher for Amazon.”she said sarcastically.
“Lovely,” Stan said absent–mindedly.”You’re always at home with a good book”
“I’ve just been recommended to try Cynthia Ozick.She’s from the USA  and is Jewish.In fact although she’d not been to Europe in early she wrote a book about the Holocaust so convincing that many people thought she’d lived through it in one of the Concentration Camps.”
“Well,I’ll make enquiries about that.Thank you my sweetheart.”
“By the way,Sophie and I are going to Brent Cross clothes shopping later.”
In Knittingham?” he queried.
“Yes,it’s odd.Someone went down town yesterday and there was the Brent Cross Shopping Centre right outside the Town Hall”
“You’d better go while you can, though the wardrobe won’t close even now.”He said with a twinkle in his eye.Although Mary was 78 she still loved to look charming and trendy with ear rings,make up, stiletto heels the lot.Her   favourite colour was purple,sometimes mixed with orange.She once tried to get a job with Missoni but the pay was too low.She was a great weaver too as well as making her own bread.Stan often longed for a taste but he had to buy his own. Since all their pension was from his earnings,  though of course her hard work in the home was a big contribution,Stan thought that was mean but he had never understood Mary,although she was his third  and most beautiful wife
.Somehow he had never quite got the hang of women….was he perhaps gay without knowing it?  Of course when he was a young  man ,it was  still illegal but that would not have stopped him.No,he had just never met the right woman and he was unwilling to have another divorce.He already had 34 children and two exes to maintain and on his school master’s pension it was tricky.
So he was staring out of the window at Annie their neighbour in her see through  nightie.Was she sending him a signal?The excitement was wonderful until he got a sharp pain in his chest
“.Oh no Angina” he thought “Mary can you ring 999 quickly, “I’ve had a bad pain for 54 minutes”
“Where’s your spray?”she said coldly,knowing full well she had hidden it under the rug.
“Why it’s here  in my pocket!” he cried.He opened his mouth and  leaning the bottle against his chin he opened his mouth and sprayed it under his tongue

“.Isn’t life exciting? I could be alive  again at any moment.” he whispered
With no cause or warning his armchair fell to pieces and he flew forward like a balloon onto the bed. He found it delightful.There was adulterous  Annie,his neighbour, beside him looking very suave and dishevelled
“Is this heaven?” He anxiously enquired of Rafael the Archangel who was passing through the room.
“No ,you’re in Casualty”.Your good wife Annie found you unconscious in a wheelie bin and sent for us at once.”
Annie smiled heroically and ate another icecream mars bar she found on the trolley.Maybe this was her chance at last
.”Will you marry me?” he murmured civilly.
“If you live,I’ll consider it,” she giggled.”I already have plenty of engagement rings .Will Emile be the best man?”
“Well that would be an economy as he already has a morning suit,” twittered Stan on his blackberry as he fell asleep.And he and Annie could cycle to the church with Emile in the bike basket…. an economy indeed!But what about Mary?Where was she?

Stan’s wedding anniversary

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  • Stan was wearing his best suit topped by a denim apron polishing the big windows with a microfibre cloth as he waited breathlessly for his stunning wife.Mary entered the room wearing a long purple and mauve dress which clung somewhat tightly to the curvaceous contours of her beautifully rounded body.On her feet she had some smart pewter ballet slippers and in her elegant hand she carried a huge pewter clutch bag which contained some of her many medications.She addressed Stan,
    “I think I can leave my handbag behind if I put my mouth spray into my bra.”
    “That somehow detracts from the romance of the evening.” Stan pronounced openly.
    “Well,you know,I never had a cleavage until lately and I fell I ought to make the most of it.”
    “Surely I should be the one make the most of it,” he riposted jocosely.
    “Of course you may.my angel,but not in the restaurant,”she answered back sweetly
    “I’ll put your spray in my pocket then,shall I?”
    Suddenly the doorbell rang.”Who’s this?”It was Annie,their next door neighbour. she was wearing a coral velvet track suit with matching Reeboks and sun hat .
    “Hi,I just came in with a little prezzie,”she declaimed.In her hand was a huge box of chocolates..”Gosh,Mary you look lovely in that beautiful long dress but you’re not going on your bike,are you?”
    “No,we are having a cab,but it’s not come as yet.”
    “Well,never mind.I’ll ring 999 and get them to send an emergency ambulance for you!”
    Fortunately,as luck would have it the minicab appeared from the sky and it was only as they were entering the restaurant that Stan realised he was still wearing his old denim apron.
    “Shall I take it off?” he pondered.
    On the pro side I will look smarter on the con side I might spill some soup down my front.I wish I’d done more logic at college.So he kept it on.Mary didn’t seem to notice.She just took him for granted.If he stood on his head and sang”Jerusalem” she probably wouldn’t pay any attention.
    Then he noticed that Mary was wearing an apron too.It was the same colour as her dress.What a brilliant idea,he thought.
    “There may be money in this.” He could start a small business,”Aprons R You” selling lovely aprons in all colours of the rainbow.
    Suddenly he heard noises;he awoke and heard Mary shouting “How can you go to sleep when you are out with me?”
    “Would you prefer me to recite the Periodic Table?” he snapped gently.
    “I’d prefer a poem,” she cried..
    .All right,Petal,I’ll think of one soon.In the meantime would you like a fool?” “No.I’  ve got you,” she responded handsomely.”I mean for a pudding?” “Oh,yes please.A Rubik fool would be lovely.It will pass the time.You know I get so bored.”
    “Well,I do my best but it’s hard keeping up with you.would you like to read a few truth tables whilst I finish my meat.”
    He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small leather bound book.
    “Truth tables and levitation for geniuses,” by Bertha Russell.
    “Oh,Stan,this looks interesting.I’ve always wanted to fly like an angel or an owl.”
    “It’s never too late to say never.” he responded.”Whatever do you mean?”
    “I don’t know.Just because a sentence is grammatically correct doesn’t imply that it means something.”
    “Yes,quite right.And conversely a sentence can mean something even when it’s not grammatically correct.”
    “Isn’t thinking exciting!”
    “Yes,indeed.I was thinking how exciting it will be to go to bed with you.”
    “Wow,good grammar and full of meaning.I am yours.I am like a ripe plum ready to drop off the tree.I am a cat ready to mate.I am a song waiting to be sung.”
    “Gosh,are metaphors your bete noir?”
    “Je ne parle pas Francais.”
    “Aimez vous ein Nederlander?”
    “Sprechen sie Deutsche?”
    Ist sein mutter immer krank?
    What a naughty author.

Annie breaks into Stan’s sacred space

Some old Greek writing
Some old Greek writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia

Stan sat down in front of his computer and looked at his email.
There was one from Annie.

Joy!

“Hi Stan
I didn’t really want to keep some of those remarks you  wrote at the bottom of our document when we were both online,so I have deleted them.  We should have gone into chat mode.They were not related to the topic we were discussing so I know you won’t be mind.And if you ask again we can chat either online or in person about sex and people’s lives
With  my  love,dearest one ,Annie

??????????

Stan felt  furiously angry and cross.  How could she know if he minded or not?
He went dark red as if his head was bursting.What was so dreadfully bad about his remarks?He had only asked Annie if her dead husband George might have been bisexual.Stan had once seen him kissing another man  in the bushes in the park.Annie didn’t seem bothered last night.She never gave the impression to  me she didn’t like it.Maybe she’s not quick enough to react
Anyway she should not have deleted it completely without asking me first.
He sat down on his old Habitat chair [recently mended free on the NHS by Dave the paramedic,] and he  sent her an email saying he was furious with her for attacking his freedom of speech.It was unethical.It was too powerful .He must assert himself.He would show her!
So he was not going to work with her on any more documents ever again nor chat on IM or Google Chat. Of course he still loved her but his anger was too strong for him to ignore.

Cat alone
When Annie got the email she was completely stunned like a cow in the abbatoir   ready to be eloctrocuted.She apologized to Stan immediately but he refused to accept it  ever  even though she begged piteously for forgiveness.
Why did he want to know if George was bisexual, she wondered.Was he saying it to try to turn himself on or me?Or is he just interested in  all kinds of sex   and human behavior generally ,like most people are ?But it was not concerned with the document which was about ill treatment of prisoners in Indiaunder the British Empire and relating it to other acts  of outrage by the British   Government elsewhere.
I wanted to talk about us,not poor dead George.Whatever George’s sex life,he’s dead now.So l we should eave him in peace.
Meantime.Stan was thinking about how women were always interfering in his life,correcting him and improving his grammar.Making him cups of tea when he wanted brand and some HP sauce  with his lamb chops not salad
He liked talking about bisexuality.It made him feel a sense of wonder at the differing habits and desires of humans.Why couldn’t she just go along with it or at least say something then rather than deleting his words secretly when he was off-line?Though maybe mentioning George was insensitive even though George was dead.
He was a man .He was not going to let a woman ride over him like a steam roller. Annie must learn her place in the scheme of things.

6429586_72f5d1321d_m
Where is that,asked his beautiful cat Emile.
I’m not sure but it’s not above me.It’s either the same or lower.
Can’t you forgive her.She may be in another dimension,another space altogether,another universe of discourse?[He’d been reading Wittgenstein again]
Certainly not .No way.Stan answered,
But you love her,you said many times in here.I heard you
All the more reason to maintain some boundaries. Love is not the be all and end all of life for a man!
Next she’ll be cutting bits off me with her dressmaking shears,he cried in outrage and horror!
She’ll castrate me.She’ll turn me into a woman.

6819924_f1126074c2_m altered
She won’t,she’s just a daft  postmenopausal woman,said Emile.She wouldn’t ever harm you.she’s very gentle.you know that,don’t you?
She has invaded me,she has crossed my boundary.
Some people would be glad,mewed the cat.He was always hoping a lady cat would come by. and cross his boundaries or more correctly.he would  be allowed cross hers.
Meanwhile Annie was sitting sobbing  feverishly in her bedroom.She really enjoyed co-writing documents and news sheets with Stan.Now he won’t do it anymore,she whispered . He was really mad with her.He must be feeling upset and aggravated beyond  all human endurance.She had assumed too much and now she was paying the price as she lay  on her purple duvet cover with two boxes of Kleenex for men.Even  finding  the Kleenex required for all her sobbing was too much for her.

Cracks in the pavement
She cried and sobbed loudly for a while.Her eyes were bright red and bloodshot. She was so  very sad she had unwittingly distressed dear  Stan.Life is so tough she thought reluctantly.I wish I were somewhere else……maybe in Heaven with George and his bisexual lovers too, all playing harps or mouth organs  and whatever else the could find up there.
Still,there were those new neighbours who had just moved in across the road.Two brothers,both very handsome.I wonder if they like writing on the computer,she thought.That cheered her up a bit,though she was very fond of Stan.In fact she loved him greatly and had kissed him gently yet thoroughly many times though she had never actually gone to bed with him ;never known him in the biblical sense.Was that the problem?Too late now either way,she muttered quietly to her goldfish Wayne who agreed with her analysis of the situation.
So in her mind she was moving from loving and adoring Stan to being  loving  towards yet puzzled by him.Was he afraid of being dominated by a woman?What would he be like as a lover?

???????????????????
But why try to talk about bisexuality?Could he not have thought of something else?Like female  orgasms or kissing better?
There was a new book by Betty Dodson teaching  frozen women how to have orgasms.Would he have enjoyed discussing female anatomy and pleasuring her naked female body and all the rest,[she always liked  kisses on her throat,he knew that.]
Well,she would never know now.That was certain.Thank God I’ve found out what he’s like before things went any further.He might be a little too dominating.Though a certain amount is necessary for the  consummation of love.She was so upset her thoughts began to turn towards women.
Would it be better all round to love a woman instead?Especially as I could show her how to have an orgasm having being studying this book for some weeks?Though she may already know,I guess.Still,a change is as good as a rest, so  the proverb says.
How do I find a woman who’s into other woman, as it were, she thought.Can I find one on the internet?Will there be a club we can go to? How exciting!
So Annie grew more optimistic.A woman wouldn’t mind a few words deleted from a chat either.So a feeling of mild joy came over her and her sobbing died down.

??????????
Stan was sitting in his kitchen feeling superior and dominant.Except Annie had not come for coffee so it was hard being dominant all by himself.He began to feel depressed and morose.Should he change his mind?Would he lose his window of opportunity?
Why is life so trying.Why are women so manipulative, why do they all turn out fakes and bitches,he asked Emile.Why won’t they love me as I am?
It’s partly one’s own character,Emile replied.
Hearing this Stan lost his temper and threw  the kettle of boiling water at Emile.Luckily it missed but Emile stalked out and went off to the shed leaving Stan more alone than ever.
How hard life is Stan shouted. I feel like topping myself. I”ll jump off the roof. of the civic centrer.I’m going to ring the fucking Samaritans.
Just then his wife Mary walked in.What’s up Stan?
Nothing dear.I just dropped a brick on my toe
Why have you got a brick in here,in the lounge?
I was playing with it.
With a brick?
Well,it has a certain cold masculinity,he replied
Cold masculinity?. Shall I make some drinks?
Yes,please,dear
Oh,look there’s Annie walking past arm in arm with a woman.
I knew George was bisexual but now I see she is also or maybe she’s turned quite gay!Were they both gay?Is that why she only kissed him and never went any further?
Well,it’s not our business,said Mary quietly.
Aha,thought Stan.That’s what you think.If only you could see inside my mind!Inside his mind though ,he was wondering if Annie would ever see him again.But I will not forgive her,I won’t.I won’t!
What he might have said more truthfully was “Can’t”
For indeed,it is hard to forgive people for trampling into one’s sacred space even if it is an accident or mis-judgement not a deliberate attempt to dominate.but …….
Life is sweet and yet very hard too.

Stan and the crazy cats of Knittingham and the UK

 
Hallowe’en
Stan was feeling sad because the clocks had turned back so it was dark at 4pm.His wife Mary was out on her old Raleigh with battery lit lights front and rear….though not quite on her ass.Stan is very vulgar sometimes as it cheers him up.When Mary gets home he did say to her once,You need a light on your ass .Mary,like the Queen,was not amused.

Emile Stan’s cat suggested they go for a walk before sunset and so off they went.Stan wore an old green overcoat and a flat cap.Emile was running ahead as he was so excited.Some times he sat on the sturdy old man’s shoulder on a cat pad.[On sale everywhere for two pounds ten and sixpence.]Stan felt his spirits rise as he walked as the sky was so beautiful striped in blue and peach just like it had been in the Holy Land when he went on a Pilgrimage with other old Catholics from Knittingham Cathedral
How lovely it would be to walk in the wood and feel crunchy leaves under his boots.[From Hotters of Whelmersdale,Lancs] And Emile liked to bury himself in the leaves and leap put as Stan went by.But as they approached the wood a strange sight met their eyes,,, all four!
The trees were full but not with birds.They were full of cats.Big cats,fat cats,thin cats,pedigree cats,mixed race cats,cats of all colors and sizes.You can imagine the effect of having a hundred or more cats’ eyes staring yellowly at you in synchronized glares.Why,it was almost enough to send Stan running home for some brandy.

3436468-508432-group-of-cats-in-the-dark

Emile went nearer.He spoke to a big black cat

What’s going on?,he mewed.You are in my territory,

The black cat looked at him with his big green eyes.

We are witches‘ cats.We have come from all over Great Britain,excluding Northern Ireland as cats are not allowed on the boats now. no ratsl eft]..Tomorrow is All Hallows Eve and we are accompanying our multi-ethnic multicolored witches on a grand flight over Knittingham…tonight we are having,The Big Sing… at midnight precisely.
Did you remember to change the time on your smartphone,asked Emile.All the cats began to giggle and laugh.
We don’t need phones or clocks.We go by the stars and the moon…though doubtless the witches have watches.
Do witches have watches?,Emile asked Stan,after telling him why the cats were there.
Old witches have watches,Stan murmured,mesmerised by the vision of the cats swaying in the gale force winds.Thank God cats have fur,he thought lovingly.
Can we have a walk here,?he asked testily.
Well,Sir,do you recall a song from your childhood,If you go down to the woods today,you;’re sure of a big surprise.At your age,is your heart soft enough to stretch when you see five thousand cats…
I am sure I shall be ok as long as the Good Lord does not come here to feed them with five loaves and two fishes
All the cats laughed again.Stan was puzzled how they managed to stay in the trees with wind and giggles and a few scrapping and fighting as tom cats so when lady cats are near.
We are already full of fish supplied by all the local pet shops,markets and goldfish bowls!
How disgraceful, thought Stan,to eat pet goldfish.but owing to the number of crazy cats he decided to keep quiet…As he got nearer he saw a few cats smoking pipes..Well,I never knew cats smoked,he said to Emile.Maybe it’s magic mushrooms or coyote,the cat said cheekily
Do you mean peyote?,Stan said querulously.Coyote are animals..
Ah,well.you get my drift,Emile replied cheekily
What was most strange was why this big meeting was taking place in Knttingham
.Then he remembered it was the center of the UK…that must be it.Most intriguing to see all these cats.A few even had tartan ribbons on as they were from Scotland.But how did they travel so far.No doubt it was all arranged by the Chief Wizard.
Somehow Stan and Emile felt self conscious as the cats were almost glaring at them,reminding Stan of an occasion when he and his wife had wandered by accident onto a remote beach for gay nude men.The looks they gave the old folk were far from gay;So he and Emile turned round and headed for home… at least they were forewarned of the midnight concert they and Mary would hear.Stan made some tea with twice as many tea bags as usual.
as he was concerned he might get PTSD or worse,maybe kittzophrenia.This poor man was blessed with a vivid imagination.
When Mary came in from the University he called out,
We have had the most amazing day,Mary….But Mary was wearing a pointed black hat and cloak…. and a big smile.
I know what you mean,Stan….I am just off to take a peek myself.She picked up her broomstick and rode away into the darkening sky.~to think one could be both a witch and a mathematician,,though numbers have a certain magic of their own as we all know

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Mary has a date

Dotty cats 2

 

Mary decided that, purely out of scientific interest, she would join an on-line dating service.Her main problem was filling in the form.You need an degree in  English to even understand the,
Shall I  put down my profession?,she asked Annie her late husband’s mistress.who lived right   next door., which is why  he chose her as he was lazy
Just put teacher,Annie told her.Don’t  give any more  details,she went on
Why?Do you think men wouldn’t like female mathematicians Mary asked  tentatively
Wait till they have got to know you a bit first,said Annie
Actually I can barely work out percentages now,Mary confessed sheepishly.
But is it moral to deceive? she wondered out loud
Well,it’d better to  go step by step with many things.I’ll take a new photo of you after I set your hair.It’s your face which is most important and your eyes,
You could have fooled me,Mary told her ,recollecting colleagues gazing at her bosom in meetings.
Well,we don’t know for sure,Annie admitted scientifically yet prosaically
Two weeks later Mary had met a very handsome art teacher called Bill.They went walking in the woods and took photographs of trees and flowering shrubs and had tea in the cafe.Later they went out for dinner in a restaurant where Dave the wonderfully amiable  transvestite paramedic was by chance eating with his brother Peter,who was a sheep farmer .
Hello,Dave, she said.This is Bill,my date.He’s an artist.
So you like really  clever women,Bill,Dave asked him courteously.
I’ve never met any, as yet,Bill replied.
Mary’s face went bright red as she realised even if nobody  told Bill her job, she could not carry on deceiving  him.
Well,how about Mary ? Dave asked naughtily.
She’s    fairly  intelligent I think, said Bill.But I’m ok with that.
Suppose she was highly intelligent then?
I don’t think she’s  so  much above average.
Did you pass your maths O level.Dave asked politely
No,I never was good at maths but I am very gifted at Art.Brilliant.That’s why I am puzzled I can’t sell a picture.
Mary and Dave began to giggle.
Maybe you could paint Scrodinger’s cat? Mary cried
Where does he live,asked Bill.If it’s not too far I can drive over.Are they well off?
No, he’s dead,Mary chortled.I want a dust jacket for my book and you could  do  the design with a cat in the middle.
Bill looked a bit uneasy.He then turned to Mary and told her he was feeling faint so he ran out leaving her to pay the bill with her Sainsburys’ Mastercard or  even with money.
Oh,Dave,she said,why were you here? I liked him.He is handsome and fit.
It was just serendipity,he murmured as he admired her gorgeous red face and wild  curly hair.Maybe I’ll take you out  one evening?If Emile is ok with it.Emile being a cat did not speak English but  he made his feelings plain
So Mary was not going to see Bill again but at least she had been out

2013-02-08 11.15.30

Buying Mary’s needles

 

  • IMG_0045 1

  • On Monday morning Stan had to go to the shops in the centre of town to buy some special easy threading needles for his visually-other wife Mary.Somehow,most puzzlingly,she had lost all of the eight packs he had bought for her in the last year.He had suggested letting his mistress next door do the hemming and stitching.But Mary was determined even though sometimes she took 14 minutes just to thread a needle.But she was very patient.One might almost say she was saintly but he did not want her to get conceited so he kept his thoughts to himself.Now what will I wear.Stan thought over-anxiously..He had OCD now and then.
    People no longer dress up to go down town instead they dress down to go up to the town,in a very real sense.
    The art of living is to choose the most simple solution to any problem and Stan recalled he only had some navy trousers,some white and a few colored shirts and one light teal colored jacket.
    He chose a coral colored shirt and looked in the mirror..
    I look wonderful, he thought very humbly.
    Why has God kept me so youthful?
    Surely not so I can seduce more women?
    We know God may be merciful to scissors,or is it sinners?Well,let’s just say God can be merciful but for some reason,we never know till it’s too late whether it’s to us.
    More haste,less speed,he conjectured.
    Or is it, More paste,guests feed?
    He stood in the hall combing his hair with a tortoiseshell comb and brushing it with a large nail brush
    He looked again at his image.
    His amber eyes glowed like neon lights on the main road to Knittingham in winter.
    His dark hair looked very full for his age.
    His teal jacket had been well pressed by the dry cleaner, Weissmann#s.
    And his coral shirt was new as Mary had been out buying him more clothes lately.She had grown tired of seeing him in one solid color,especially grey or brown.
    His navy trousers were a bit old but quite alright for Knittingham.
    As he gazed into the mirror he began to feel odd.Then he saw Emile
    who was standing on the chest of drawers behind him performing a dance.. solo!

    Cats five
    Why are you dancing,Emile? Stan asked politely.
    I am amused by seeing you gazing into the mirror for so long,
    If you don’t hurry it will be lunchtime before you get to the Needle Shop.
    Alright,growled Stan hoarsely.At least I don’t wear make up! Now there’s a thought…maybe I’d look better…what shade of foundation would suit me?Would I need lip balm and perfume?
    Hurry up,said Emile unkindly.More taste less greed.
    What does that mean?asked Stan.
    If you taste the food and eat slowly you will enjoy it more and thus need less.
    Very clever,Emile.Shall I buy you some cough sweets in the pet shop.
    No,I want some codeine linctus,Emile answered.
    I want to go high,high.
    I want to reach the sky.
    what will I do when my love is away
    Will I be happy on my own?
    Lend me your ear and I’ll sing you a song
    I’ll try not to sing out of tune!
    My God,Emile.Whatever has happened to you?
    I blame the old chalk and opium medicine someone spilled on my breakfast.
    Well,go and lie down but drink some milk first.At last Stan got out…it had taken him two hours to get ready
    At the bus stop there stood Anne their neighbour.
    Hi,Stan,where are you going.
    I’m buying sewing needles for Mary.
    I can lend her some,she shrieked.
    Well,she has to use special ones nowadays.
    Oh,so she does.I forget as she looks normal but is in fact suffering constant trouble since her Vitreous-vasectomy.. or was it hysterectomy or vivacity?.
    Well,never mind.You know she’s not normal.
    Who is normal?
    Let’s just assume we will recognize it when we see it,he whispered warningly.
    This bus is very late.I wish there was a proper seat here..my knees hurt.
    I hate this plastic seat.Why has the wooden one gone?
    Apparently the council are afraid of homeless people sleeping on them.
    Well,everybody is at risk of homelessness with this economic crisis,
    Anne shouted in a fury.
    No,beggars can’t be losers,he responded.
    Very true,she replied, As they have nothing so they can’t lose it.The more you have,the more you fear losing it.
    This bus is very,very late,I wish I had a horse or is it an horse?
    A goat would be o.k.Speed bonny goat like a word someone flung..
    Over the page to Fly.Anne burst out laughing so her face was as red as her coat from Artigiano.Her blue tights were a perfect contrast and also matched her lipstick uncannily.Where she bought it was a mystery.
    At last the bus came.They got on board and the driver called out,
    You both look very merry!
    Too many looks create more wrath,Stan replied warningly.
    Well, why dress up if you want no attention.the driver gloated.
    Hello,darling, he said to Anne,Are you free tonight,babe?
    Why? she murmured.
    I have two tickets for the Rolling Stones and no woman to take! he replied boastfully.
    Now,if it were the Rolling Bones,I might be interested.
    Your wish is my command he muttered,
    I have my smart phone here,I’ll see what’s one elsewhere.
    He kept trying but the virtual keyboard was playing up again.
    Eventually the passengers got annoyed and asked him to start the bus.
    As I’m half an hour late,I should be coming back now so I’ll do a U turn and go back
    But we want to go into town,every one howled.
    There’s many a blue word spoken as a jest,sang the driver.
    Stan said,Please open the door,we shall dismount here.
    Crikey,you don’t half talk posh,said the ,driver.
    He leaned over and gave Anne a French kiss.
    Now look here,Stan said,leave her alone.She’s my mistress.
    Cor blimey said the driver,who are you,King Henry the Eighth?
    I say,Stan,I can see Mary.It must be tea time.
    Stan ran into the house and put the kettle on..then he made a pot of tea.
    Hello! said Mary. Did you get my needles,Stan?
    I’m so sorry,Mary.I ‘ve had such a busy day,I never got into the town.
    And where is my supper.
    In the womb of time
    I see,it’s chick pea dahl and brown rice again or egg on toast. But I’m not complaining.Keeping house is a big job.I know it only to well.
    So they sat with Anne and Emile,who even had his own cup and saucer now.They were weary and soon ,despite the tea, they were all fast asleep.
    Like  you.

     

 

Effective disjunction

Mary and Stan got ready to go to the hospital.Emile yowled and mewed but Mary was adamant.
No,Emile,your fur might be unhygienic.
I can have another bath,Emile mewed piteously.
I know you did come once  to visit Stan in  the hospital but today will only be a short visit and I’d rather you stayed here.
The cross cat went outside and ate a frog from the lily pond out of sheer spite.Mary put on her heather coloured coat and some money in her blue handbag from Harvey Nicolls as Stan was notorious for taking her out for meals but never having money on him.
They caught a cab.The young driver spoke:
I am going tomorrow to the Diabetic Clinic,he said with wonder,
I go there  too,said Stan cheerfully.
I suffer from erectile dysfunction the driver said confidently which was a pity as he only looked about 35..Do you,sir?
Stan was taken aback…
Er,no, he muttered.Not yet, he said persuasively but shyly.Was he lying?
Wow,how amazing,you look about 98,the driver replied,eyeing Mary’s blue eyes and smiling face with wonder…
When they arrived at the clinic they had to sign in electronically.Unfortunately the WRVS tea and snack bar was shut..so they waited patiently with dry mouths..
Luckily the man before them had to go to the lavatory urgently so they got in and saw yet another consultant, a young lady Dr.Range-Rover….After five years it was a shock to see a new doctor every time.
Hello,she said loudly..She looked with shocked awe and horror at Stan’s head…
I’m sorry,sir,but I will need to spray you with the freezing spray.
The last doctor did not use that,he said.She told me it was too painful for someone like myself… and indeed Stan was looking so thin and pale he looked ready to cross over the Styx there and then…Stan turned white as the spray hit his bald head…
A trainee dermatologist was standing by watching the consultant.
You need to be aggressive for this, work she told herself sharply as sje felt critical of Range-Rover.
Why,Range-Rover will be very  good at killing flies in summer,Mary thought,but said nothing.
Tears came into her eyes as only she could read Stan’s face which was usually smiling and sanguine…
I am afraid you will have to have surgery on your nose as well,the doctor told the old chap in a rough tone of voice.
Will you cut it off? he joked roguishly,despite his pain and rage and impulse to knock her down with his stick.
No,we’ll leave enough for you to rub ,scratch,vibrate or blow,she cried girlishly,missing his underlying irony.
What is enough?,thought Mary,what would Wittgnstein think,;her head began to swim and a strange feeling came over her  entire being making her  go  as white as a sheet boiled in Persil for three  hours and hung out to dry.On the line.
I never faint,thank the Lord, she thought as the curtains began to change patterns and strange squiggles like the Hebrew alphabet stood out.Aleph is a sign used to stand for Infinity in mathematics
Aleph Null is smaller than Aleph One if that makes any sense.I guess Godel might have been Jewish she thought tendentiously.
Her phone beeped.Annie,Stan’s mistress had sent a text.How thoughtful it was and nice to have someone to make their dinner and feed Emile too
You are a long time.Is it ok? the message said bluntly
Yes,said Mary.We should be back soon.We are coming on the bus as it is cheaper and the driver will not reveal his sexual difficulties to the passengers,although nowadays one can’t be sure…
Here are 2 prescriptions said the doctor,but the pharmacy shut at 5 pm.But you need them urgently
Oh,dear said Mary as she was feeling exhausted and had missed her strong cup of tea at 4 pm
Come tomorrow, as it’s urgent now he’s had his skin burned off and might get infected…
Can’t you put a dressing on it?
No,said the doctor perfunctorily.We never do as the NHS is short of cash…DIY
What a surprise,Mary said,Is that why your dress barely covers the Mound of Venus.
What’s the Mound of Venus? said the doctor curiously.
I can’t tell you as my words are rationed owing to the gas bill going up by 40 per cent.Venus was a Goddess,you must know
That’s funny said the doctor.I never knew words were rationed for the old.
Wait till I tell Annie,Mary thought.She doesn’t know what her mound of venus is!
I’ll be glad to leave this hospital clinic as I feel really nauseaous and I don’t want to vomit on this floor before the underpaid cleaners come on duty…She breathed in and out as calmly as  she could while she waited for the nurse to finish with Stan or vice versa….
Maybe she is checking his erectile function,she thought naughtily, as she heard a giggle from the next room…
I hope she has some contraceptives as Stan is still probably fertile despite being 108 tomorrow, she thought mischievously.Stan emerged and looked at his wife.She looks awful he thought.She looks worse than I do…

Should you follow the doctor’s advice? Conundrums of life and health

 

shoe 23I am combining several different people here to illustrate the problems we may have in expecting experts to know what is best.
Take David, an affectionate hard working  husband,father and grandfather in his mid sixties.He has been sufferimg from bronchial asthma for many years and is often on steroids.As he worked for a small business he never felt able to take m uch time off when he caught a severe cold.Given false energy by the steroids and being very conscientious he would go back to work rapidly even when he spent most of the night in an armchair,unable to lie down.
On one visit to a consultant he is told he has a heart murmur and needs a valve operation.One of symptoms is coughing so it seems he didn’t have asthma after all……
Waiting anxiously for 11 months he eventually has his surgery which is very arduous.He eventually recovers and that winter has no cough.He and his wife plan for all the excitement of travel,visiting children, and doing voluntary jobs.
The following winter he catches a cold and the cough returns.And refuses to go away.Now he is back on steroids and is said to be allergic to something unknown………. so is  on asthma meds again
Was the heart operation of any benefit? Was it really needed as the waiting was very difficult causing him to lose a good deal of weight and sleep.
Arthur Deikman on Mystic Experience
Now take Jane a lady with four adult children who has had bunions for many years but has not been stopped in her tracks by them though she did have some aching.
She has  now got pain in her metatarsal arch, bad enough for her to be referred to an orthaepedic surgeon.
He tells he it is caused by the bunions making her walk wrongly and as she has wide feet and would like narrower feet she agrees.She persuades him to do both at once…. possibly a serious mistake.
She eventually gets a date  for the operation ,the day after they move house, and goes ahead.After some months she recovers but finds her feet are now wider than before and that the metatarsal pain is still there.And she has long scars on the sides of her great toes towards her heels.These get blisters on when she wears shoes… and she can’t find shoes wide enough.
Talking to a friend she admits the bunions had not been giving her much pain.She suffered low blod pressure after the long operation and was kept in hospital for 2 days.Unfortunately then she was not given any information about how long to rest and she resumed walking in a couple of days.
Given all the info on the net,one might be surprises she did not look it up and see that you need 4 weeks off your feet.
Both of these people have undergone surgery but their original symptom is still with them and they now have scars and other problems.
What can we say?
You need to find out a lot of information from the net or elsewhere when told you need surgery.And may be join an online forum to hear what others have undergone.
Bunions may seem to be just a lump on your big toe joint but it usually stems from misplacement of the long bones of the foot and surgery is not much good for that… Treatment in childhod or adolescence using orthotics can preven this condition so keep watch on your children’s feet
Emergency surgery is different of course.And the above stories make me wonder whether a lot of surgery is not much help…and that’s not counting women who want to have their labia partly removed as they watch soft porn and believe that their labia are ugly. when they are perfectly ok

Is Stan Jewish?

cat2 alone

A story for cat lovers :Emile goes for a bike ride

Stan had just got back to his lovely bright home from a ride on his old mountain bike.Emile had travelled in his special cat seat/basket just in front of Stan as he liked to see the road less travelled should it appear..and he liked purr to encourage Stan to ride further.
When Stan got home to his luxuriously detached yet bijou dwelling he went to the wonderfully disappointing cloakroom to wash his paws before putting the kettle on for some tea.
Ah,how peaceful it is here,he thought…,how nice Mary is still at Suddenly and alarmingly, the door bell rang.There,on the flower bedecked porch,stood a large, beautiful curly haired woman holding Emile in her pretty freckled arms
I believe this is your cat,she said boldly.So he tells me.Why, he even knows the address.Well,if he’s anyone’s he’s mine,Stan admitted uneasily.What has he done now?Did you not notice he jumped out of his basket?she asked enquiringly.
Well,no,Stan answered furtively..
I was getting a bit tired and keen to get home…I forgot my water,
Well,I hope you won’t let him do it again,he could end up absconding,
By the way,I’m called Yvette.
Are you Yvette Cooper,the MP,he enquired wildly.
No, she said,I’m Yvette Hooper,the swan lover.
Do come in for a cup of tea,he said caringly.
I don’t mind if I do,she said,then I can be sure your cat is alright.
Tell me,Stan said,Do you live with a swan?
No,she said,though I do have an old Swan saucepan.
A saucepan is not much company,Stan responded.
Well,at least it never shouts at me!Yvette said quickly.
Have you suffered verbal abuse? Stan said in a kind and supportive voice.
I have yes.We had a mutual agreement that I could be handcuffed and verbally  AMUSED  for 3 hours a week.you see we’d read this book,”Fifty shades of grey.”It’s all about human bondage
But my boyfriend thought it was verbal abuse I wanted.As I was upside down I couldn’t tell him of his error.After that ,things were never the same.
Why did you have the handcuffs?asked Stan calmly.
We were given them for Xmas,she whispered.
Also a whip and some rubber gloves.
Why the rubber gloves?
For washing up of course!
But after being whipped would you feel like washing up?
I don’t know.We split up before we even tried the whip… to be honest,I didn’t want to use it.
Alright, my dear.I understand it all.Here you are.. drink a nice cup of tea and try these biscuits I made myself they are almond biscuits from my Penguin Jewish cookery book.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm,delicious,she cried.Are you Jewish,Stan?

No,but why should they have all the best recipes?
A good point… maybe because they had almost the first alphabet so began to write them down before anyone else  Not to mention they invented monogamy,a great religion,Freud,Wittgenstein,Einstein,rhinestone
.Give them an accolade. I mean,Jesus Christ! What more do they have to do to be rewarded?
Ascend into heaven?
Make more cheesecakes?
I wonder,said Stan pondering slowly
The back door opened and in ran Anne,Stan’s mistress.
She was dressed in soft teal with toning turquoise trainers and she wore a light beige foundation with bright coral lipstick making a subtle contrast… all by Lamcom of China.
Oh,Anne,have some tea.This is Yvette,she very kindly rescued Emile after he jumped off my bike
.Don’t tell me he can ride a bike,Anne screamed,showing off a good set of teeth and a lo ng red tongue.
No,I was riding it.Stan told her sensibly.
Hello Yvette,Anne said,where do you live?I live on the top road by the wood.Yvette answered politely, her auburn hair standing up in a mass of curls as she spoke,showing off to good effect her light orange lipstick and burnt sienna eye shadow…in fact it was colour from her art materials..
Have you been there long?Anne enquired politely and warmly.
No,only a few weeks..we don’t know anyone..
So you are married?
Yes,my husband is in the Police Service… he cleans policemen for special occasions.
I didn’t know anyone did that.Can’t they clean themselves
A self cleaning policeman…or how about putting coat of Teflon on them so they can be wiped with a wet cloth?
It’s up to him,said Yvette.I am a lecturer at Pond’s End Polytechnic.I teach philosophy..
In a poly?
Yes,I have a D.Phil from Oxgridge in the philosophy of science with particular reference to Dirac’s remarks on Wittgensteim.
Do they study such remarks in a poly?
All the students do Philosophy of Science…it’s compulsory.
Stan said,I wish they all did Peace Studies too…
I know,said Yvette kindly..If only we could bring peace but we are descended from the most aggressive primates… why many of them were sado-masochists.Well some were sadists and the rest were masochists I gather.The ones who weren’t died out as they never mated..
Well,I’m not a sadist,said Stan,or at least only to myself!
Do you beat yourself up,the ladies asked.
Just in my mind,he answered judiciously.So do I thought Yvette.
Let’s have some more tea,called Anne from the hall,I’ll make it.
Anne is my mistress,Stan boasted humbly……
There was little point trying to seduce Yvette now Anne had met her and vice versa.
Yvette was intrigued.That is rare ,for such an old man to have a mistress.
Is a wife not sufficient for you?
A wife is necessary but not sufficient,Stan teased her.
Well,my husband has no mistress, she said unknowingly, but I have several boyfriends.
How do you get the time?
I have a rota,she chuckled happily.
You seem an intriguing lady.May I have your email address,mobile number and your landline?
Your height and weight too..clothes size and shoes too.
Yes,it’s

yvette999@hotmail.com

or diracisme@qmail.com

My phone number is Oh,oh,6666666666666.7777777777777777………………..
That’s irrational,he informed her knowingly.
Have you got an i Pad,she then asked boldly.
No,I’ve not even got a Kindle..do you recommend them.Maybe you could come to ComputersRus with me on Saturday.
No, she said,I’m Jewish.
Are Jews not permitted to visit Computer shops..Some religious edict,is it? he said inquisitively.
It’s the Sabbath,you dimwit,she responded.We don’t shop on the Sabbath but don’t worry I’ll come on Monday with you..you are a charming man.I need as many as I can get.
Why are you deficient in some way?Stan whispered.
No,I’m very proficient and mildly conceited,she admitted modestly.
And I like a good kisser.Are you a good kisser?
Well,maybe you could give me a test,he said manfully  and if need be you can give me some lessons followed by a total Examination to see if I satisfy you.
Just then Anne came in with fresh tea..
Emile mewed loudly.
What is it.Emile ? Stan asked.
I am jealous because we cats can’t kiss.
Well kissing is neither necessary nor sufficient in the art of love.Rolling about together in some soil is also very nice..
I hope you don’t expect your wife to roll about in soil,said Yvette questioningly..
Well,i can ask her,Stan said,but her main interest is topology and knitting.She is often very cold in bed…
Can’t you warm her into life;Or buy an electric blanket?
No,she’s hopeless because of a type of Asperger’s syndrome but I love her anyway.
Have you tried a new technique like whipping each other or tying yourself to the bedposts.You can buy handcuffs now in Boots,I hear.
Why some doctors prescribe them on the NHS nowadays
I thought Love was enough, Stan answered
It seems in the UK people are into whips and handcuffs…
Well,count me out,said Stan,I’m more into a careful yet tender study of the skin from the toes right up to to head,followed by gazing into her eyes for ten minutes.
Why ten minutes?asked Yvette.
I can’t wait any longer…
Well,you’ll have to practise..she said coyly.
I can practise with him,said Anne virtuously.
Yes,the more the better…he’s getting older so he can’t wait.
He needs satisfaction as son as possible.
The door bell rang,It was handsome Dave the paramedic.
Hi,he said,I was worried as you’ve not called 999 today.I brought a leash and some whips.
I’m Yvette,the woman said.
I’m bisexual,he told her.
That’s a strange name.
Never mind that,give me your email address and phone number
It’s ywoman@love4all.com,she said
or 09964321.3333333333333333333…..
If you’d like a non-rational phone number email me at hotcats@hell.com
Read more freely in the Daily Slur tomorrow….on sale everywhere and making life hell as fast as they

 

Stan visits Mary

 

5577450_f260

Stan flew into Mary’s  lovely bedroom and examined his  stunningly beautiful,sleeping wife.She was still reading Ted  Hughes’ letters and had abandoned Wittgenstein. completely.She was  also reading Sylvia Plath- the poetry of negativity.Strange indeed he thought,for bedtime reading.But she always was a bit different.As usual she had a big box of tissues on her bed.
She had so far not got a new man in her life; he was grateful ,as ,even though he was dead, he liked to come to see her and if another man was in the bed he would feel it wrong to spy on them to see if anyone else could warm up this semi- frozen yet delightful lady and give her what she needed   before it was too late.She was already 89!

2014-01-02 10.12.15-2
Mary woke up all of a sudden and having leaped out of bed ,fell over and was sitting on the rug looking quite  puzzled.With some difficulty  she managed to get up  by turning onto her knees.She then went to the bathroom.
When she came back she tied a silk scarf round her eyes to keep the light out and lay back on her pillows.Stan would have liked to kiss her but was afraid she might get a shock.She didn’t read although one night she did sing psalms in bed before lying down with tears on her round cheeks as she remembered his last moments of human life.
She was still the most untidy person he had ever met and her room was full of pens,boxes of jewellery and scent not to mention  a mountain of clothes,books and garishly coloured shoes and handbags..and a few rather superior ones
He went to the kitchen where Emile was watching the dawn through the glass door.
Hi ,Dad,how’re you doing  up there now?
I am adapting slowly .said Stan.I wonder why you can see me but Mary can’t.
They both sat silently pondering this.
Well, nearly breakfast time,I’ll take another peek at Mary.
He went upstairs and Mary was laughing as she dictated her dreams into a laptop to make a video.
I dreamed Stan was here and he was pulling funny faces at me  which made me laugh so much it woke me up.Then it happened again.
Stan turned and flew gently away thinking Mary must be getting better.
As for him,don’t people know that even in Heaven people miss their partners or children?
Now that’s a research topic for this year.
And don’t say,all of us

Mary and the yellow dresses

 

My first drawing
My first drawing

Mary had foolishly eaten some red kidney beans for supper.When she drank her morning tea  she suddenly got a strange  pain in her guts.For the next few hours she was in and out of the bathroom.While in there reading Geza Vermes’ autbiography she heard the doorbell ring
What a pity you can’t answer the door,Emile,she told her cat.She rushed downstairs to see nobody was there.However after shouting loudly a young woman approached her carrying a small table.
I was in the lavatory,Mary told her..I have got stomach pains.Can you not wait a bit longer ?I know you don’t get paid much but please wait next time.
I’m sorry to hear that,the woman told her politely.Oh,what a beautiful cat.
He can talk,said Mary
No,I can’t, Emile shouted
But you just did,Mary laughed
No,that was meta-talk.
I can see you have read Ray Monk’s life of Russell,Mary said jovially
Has  he really? said the lady nervously.
No,he listens  to audio books as he never learned to read.He can’t write either.
Well,thank you ,the lady called as she ran away as fast as she could.
Mary took the table indoors.It was quite small ,just perfect for her chromebook. She had been searching for a long time for this.
After putting the table in the sitting room she rang 999
Hi,Can you send Dave.My toilet seat is a bit loose.
Be right with you,the receptionist said courteously.
Mary debated whether drinking coffee would make her pain worse.She looked at the bag where Stan’s remains were still  hidden.
Shall I have coffee,Stan,she called.
How the bleeding hell do I know,he called graciously, making Mary wonder whether he was in Heaven or the Other Place.
Why are you so angry,she asked him
I am not angry,he said.I just worry about you.
Oh,dear.Sorry, my angel.I am quite alright now I have got this table.The other room is too bright,as you know.I needed a small strong folding table
And I have finally taken all the clean clothes hanging behind the bathroom door and hung them in the wardrobe.And I found some cotton trousers perfect for this hot weather.

2012-05-12 10.31.12-44
Suddenly the back door opened and Annie her neighbour ran in decked in bright yellow
I am hearing voices,she cried.Am I going mad?
No,it’s alright.I was chatting to Stan.
Well,don’t leave him near the party wall.I was just putting on this new yellow dress and deciding on my make-up when I heard his deep voice.So I dropped my make-up box
It’s getting louder,Mary noted.Why is that?
We’ll have to see an Oracle,Annie screamed. I’ve always wanted to but the Church say it’s wrong.
Well meddling in those things can be dangerous,Mary said phlegmatically.There are more things in heaven and earth……..
And why Stan’s voice is louder ,might it  be because the bag is hot with the sun.
Maybe we should  go to the end of the pier at Southend on that little train and then we can toss him int0 the sea.He always loved the seaside.But then we can’t speak to him so easily
Dave the  hermaphrodite and paramedic came in with a box of tissues.
Here I got you these he told Mary.I can”t mend the toilet but I can make you some coffee and take your blood pressure.
I’ll keep my blood pressure here,Mary told him humorously in her pedantic manner.
I suppose you get extra  paid for stealing it!
Well.we only get £45, he joked.
How do you like my dress,Annie asked him
Lovely but yellow is  attractive to bees and wasps.,I believe
Yes,Mary said,I once had a pink skirt and a yellow blouse and it was a nightmare sitting on the beach at Aldeborough. Khaki and beige are safer but they don’t look nice to me.Though I do have some khaki cotton trousers that were £7 in a sale.
Wow,said Annie.That’s cheap.
If I wear a blue blouse I think I will look attractive.
And so bray all of us!

Photo1446

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stan wants to learn

 
 

Evening classes

  • Stan was thinking of going to an Evening Class.He got a brochure from the public library  but there was not much in it.As he was sitting in his conservatory brooding restlessly over this he saw a looming shape pass by.It was Annie his neighbour wearing a big rucksack.
  • “Annie,you are usually dressed in a fashionable and stylish even modish manner.Whence the rucksack?”
    “Oh,well,you’re out of touch.Rucksacks are the new handbags according to Prada.”
    “Is Prada that young lady who has just taken the flat over the florist’s?”
    “No,you nincompoop,Prada is anItalian Fashion Company”.
    “I think Prada would make a good name for a cat or Prado if he was a male cat.What do you think,Emile?Would you like to be called Prado?”
    “Definitely not.” miaowed Emile loudly.”Prado is too full of consonants for me.I don’t like saying “P.”
    “He sayeth not P but doeth it,just as the Prophet foretold” Stan murmured merrily to Annie
    .”What are you doing?” she asked him pointedly.
    “I’m choosing an Evening Class but there are not many on offer.I wanted to learn Pilates but maybe I’m too old and stiff!”
    “We could go to a private class in the Conservative Club.”
    “I can’t go in there,not even to learn Pilates.”
    The doorbell rang.It was their local M.P. Andy Pandy.
    “Good evening,Sir.”
    “It’s only 10 am,”Stan said rudely.”Wait I want to record your words.”
    “Why is that?”
    “I may be able to sell them on-line.”
    “Oh,no.That’s unlikely.I’m only a glove puppet!”
    “That wasn’t what you said before the Election” Stan whispered to him.
    “Well.I didn’t realise then.I thought I was a human being.”
    “Like David Cameron?”
    “Yes,only I don’t speak so posh.”
    “But do you think he is a glove puppet too?”
    “Yes,definitely.I’ve seen the Hand that manipulates him.”
    “Why don’t you leave?”
    “I have thirty children to support.”
    “How come you have so many?”
    “Oh,it’s quite easy if you have plenty of lovely lady friends and …”
    “I’m talking about responsibility.You are a member of the Establishment.”
    “Well,once I was a rebel.But a Famous Rebel will eventually be knighted.”
    “So I’ve noticed.” {He’s thinking of Sir Michael Jagger ]
    “Why was Lucian Freud not knighted?Surely he was a deserving artist.”
    “He was more of an Observing Artist.He Observed what he shouldn’t!”#
    “What was that?”
    “That very large people are beautiful like rocks in canyons and caves.and the Queen looks like an old East Ender.”
    “Do you think she’s partly Jewish?”
    “Well,everyone in the world has a little Jewish blood!”
    “So the Queen does?””Does she know?”
    “Well it doesn’t matter whether she knows.I’m just interested.After all she’s the Head of the Anglican Church, a branch of Christianity,so as Jesus was 100% Jewish it would be an advantage to her.She might be a distant relation to him.”
    “I never knew Jesus was Jewish!Oh,yes I remember now.And the shepherds with their flocks….was that not here in England?”
    ” No and King Herod wasn’t English.Herod’s never been a very popular name anywhere really.But you know everybody in the world is probably slightly English.Just listen to them talk!They all speak the lingo.”
    “But what about that song “Jerusalem” by Blake?Was not Jerusalem builded here,in England’s green and pleasant land?”
    “He was speaking in symbols or metaphors”
  • .”Why didn’t he learn English? Cymbals are just for banging.”
    “Well, he was English.!”
    “He was crazy.That’s typical English trait.”
    “Yes,we love eccentrics.”
    “Do you know any?”
    “Not as such,no. But I’d love one   to  live next door”
    “Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather.when I heard that.”
    “Well,Annie is a bit eccentric.Stan thought.”She’s murdered her husband and seduced me in front of my wife.No,she’s just got borderline personality disorder.I wonder who invents all these new mental disorders”
    “Well,the mind doctors need to earn money.”
    “True…. send them to Afghanistan.Then we’ll see who has PTSD!”
    “Now,there’s a thought!”
    How about George Osborne?

    And so jeer all of usPhoto0426

Stan’s Saturday in Casualty and how to talk to angels  

Stan got out of bed and tripped over the cat ,Emile, who was lying on the orange fluffy rug.After 43 years one might have expected change but they were set like rubbery jelly in their strange ways.
Stan fell into a large armchair that he didn’t recall seeing in the bay window before.
So he sat there gazing across the room waiting for his wife Mary to come out of the bathroom.Emile sauntered insolently to the door and disappeared.
With his peripheral vision Stan saw Anne his next door neighbour talking to the milkperson.No doubt she would be arguing about her bill as she infrequently did on Saturdays.She was rich but greedy,not an unusual combination as Schopenhauer once might have said.He opened the lower window and waved.
“The milkperson waved back nastily.What’s up with her?” thought Stan patiently.
Suddenly the doorbell rang.There was  a Parcel force  engineer with a sackful of books from Amazon
“Where are you going to put these?” Mary sneered.

“I’ll find somewhere” he replied curiously”.Some are for Laura our talented daughter.”
“But her bedsit is full already”
“Don’t you think it’s time she bought a flat.She’ll be 67 next year.”
“I’ll lend her some money for a deposit.”Stan quoted eerily.
“And it’ll be your 82nd birthday next October” Mary paused momentously,
“What would you like?A gift voucher for Amazon.”she said sarcastically.
“Lovely,” Stan said absent–mindedly.”You’re always at home with a good book”
“I’ve just been recommended to try Cynthia Ozick.She’s from the USA  and is Jewish.In fact although she’d not been to Europe in early she wrote a book about the Holocaust so convincing that many people thought she’d lived through it in one of the Concentration Camps.”
“Well,I’ll make enquiries about that.Thank you my sweetheart.”
“By the way,Sophie and I are going to Brent Cross clothes shopping later.”
In Knittingham?” he queried.
“Yes,it’s odd.Someone went down town yesterday and there was the Brent Cross Shopping Centre right outside the Town Hall”
“You’d better go while you can, though the wardrobe won’t close even now.”He said with a twinkle in his eye.Although Mary was 78 she still loved to look charming and trendy with ear rings,make up, stiletto heels the lot.Her  most favourite colour was purple,sometimes mixed with orange.She once tried to get a job with Missoni but the pay was too low.~She was a great weaver too as well as making her own bread.Stan often longed for a taste but he had to buy his own.
Since all their pension was from his earnings,  though of course her hard work in the home was a big contribution,Stan thought that was mean but he had never understood Mary,although she was his fifth  and most beautiful wife.Somehow he had never quite got the hang of women….was he perhaps gay without knowing it?
Of course when he was a young  man ,it was  still illegal but that would not have stopped him.No,he had just never met the right woman and he was unwilling to have another divorce.He already had 34 children and four exes to maintain and on his school master’s pension it was tricky.
So he was staring out of the window at Anne their neighbour in her see through  nightie.Was she sending him a signal?The excitement was wonderful until he got a sharp pain in his chest”.
Oh no Angina” he thought “Mary can you ring 999 quickly, “I’ve had a bad pain for 54 minutes” “Where’s your spray?”she said coldly,knowing full well she had hidden it under the rug.
“Why it’s here  in my pocket!” he cried.He opened his mouth and  leaning the bottle against his chin he opened his mouth and sprayed it under his tongue
“.Isn’t life exciting? I could be alive  again at any moment.” he whispered
With no cause or warning his armchair fell to pieces and he flew forward like a balloon onto the bed. He found it delightful.There was adulterous  Annie,his neighbour, beside him looking very suave and dishevelled
“Is this heaven?” He anxiously enquired of Rafael the Archangel who was passing through the room.”No ,you’re in Casualty”.Your good wife Annie found you unconscious in a wheelie bin and sent for us at once.”

 Annie smiled heroically and ate another icecream mars bar she found on the trolley.Maybe this was her chance at last
.”Will you marry me?” he murmured civilly.

“If you live,I’ll consider it,” she giggled.”I already have plenty of engagement rings .Will Emile be the best man?” “Well that would be an economy as he already has a morning suit,” twittered Stan on his blackberry as he fell asleep.And he and Annie could cycle to the church with Emile in the bike basket…. an economy indeed!

Stan’s purple bath

  • Stan admired the gleaming purple bath.He was so thrilled by the performance of his microfibre cloth.Mary had gone to Bluewater Shopping Centre looking for a long cardigan to disguise her curves.Stanley rather liked them but she didn’t ask his opinions any more.
  • Out of the blue the doorbell rang.He flew downstairs and opened the door.
    “Can you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
    “Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and  theologians.
    She was wearing perfume and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky overblouse, not to mention her matching raspberry  and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three  imitation gold and silver watches on each  of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting.
    Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once.So the more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.So she reasoned in her womanly  way.
    Just then one  phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation  and turmoiluation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
    “Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
    “Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with  carpentry skills.You ‘ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
    “Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.”
    “That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.
    The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?  Contact Parcel Force without delay.
    Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
    “Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
    “Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously.
    .”Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
    “To attract men,of course!”
    “No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.
    “Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for services rendered so generously and freely.”
    “Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.” Stanley looked uneasy.
    “I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
    The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born.”
    “She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
    “Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
    “My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”.
    “Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
    “Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”
    “I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal  secret memo.[available in 50 years]
    “Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual  to see what they were up to,as it were,you know what I mean,catch my drift?
    She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
    “Oh,gosh,better ring 999″ Stan said to Emile.”Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”
    “Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
    “Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”

    In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor  Annie.How cruel can a cat be?  Ask any mouse!

Emile takes a bath

Stan wants a chamber pot

Stan was recovering from his long feverish cold and cough.He had Emile standing on his desk under the window cleaning it with a microfibre cloth fastened to his right front paw.Very good,Emile,he said in a husky voice.I think I’ll get up and make a hot drink.I feel better now than I did and I  enjoyed the Reith lecture on the radio.Mary came into the room wearing a long dressing gown with a zip front.
Where did you get that,Stan enquired jocosely.
It was hanging behind the door, she said.I must have bought it in a sale.I get almost all my stuff in sales.It makes  it more of an achievement.
But are they really want you want,Stan enquired.
I am happy with them because I like bright colors but most folk don’t so they end up in the sale.I just boughY some pewter shoes for £29.99 when in black they were £79.99.
Will pewter shoes not be too heavy?Stan joked.
It’s the colour dearest.It’s a good colour for when we are going out in the evening to a do.
But we never do go out nowadays .he told her sadly.
I live in my imagination,Mary responded, and so I get clothes and shoes for any possible event funerals.weddings,evening balls.
The only balls you see in the evening are at home ,he murmured vulgarly.
I don’t think that’s very funny,Stan,she told him.I am a woman of gentle birth even if I was born in a coal mine.
I am sorry dearest,my mind is not right since I fell out of bed and banged my head on that heavy tin chamber pot.


That’s a flower vase,she told him honestly and directly.We no longer use chamber pots now we have an en-suite  here and a cloakroom downstairs plus an outside lav too.

Well,I do.Stan said.I was brought up with one and I always use one at night.
That’s strange Mary told him.Where do you find them?I have never bought any,not even in the Sales.
In the kitchen,Stan said.In the cupboard
.Those are my baking bowls, she said crossly.I forbid you to use them to wee into.Well,will you buy me one? he asked her tenderly as he stroked her curly light blonde hair just washed in Boots Dandruff and Acne shampoo. with Rosemary and Rose Essence.
Of course,darling,if it wil make you happy.I’ll go online.I am sure they are still made though originally they were used when people had outside loos.
That can be my Xmas present,he joked,if you pay for express delivery but don’t have it gift wrapped.
Adulterous Annie their neighbour came in.She wore a grass green trouser suit and pink calf high boots.Underneath she had spanx hip and thigh control pantees and a blue lace bra which peeped out as she had forgotten to put a blouse or jumper on despite the cold weather.
.What is that, in your hand,Annie ? Stan asked thoughtfully.
It’s a pewter chamber pot that we inherited from my granny she said
.Gosh,how amazing,it’s just what Stan needs,Mary informed her.He’s been using a vase..
That is very naughty,Annie told him.You should know better
.Naughty!That’s strange word to use.I am a man.I can do what I want.You’ll see.
But can you want what you do,Mary asked like an Oxford don on low dose speed.
I can if I choose to ,he said.
So do you believe in will power? Annie asked curiously.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t, he replied ambiguously which was one of his defense mechanisms when #
he was with clever women.
I see,you twist the world around your little finger.
That’s a strange parallel,Stan told her.But parallel lines on the earth’s surface do meet at the Poles which proves that Euclidean geometry is not the only sort possible.
Why is that?Annie asked,though she had no idea what he was talking about
Because one of Euclid’s axioms is that parallel lines never meet .
It sounds a bit like men and women nowadays,Stan said thoughtfully.We will only meet if we go up the pole

I wonder what the origin of that phrase is,Mary said curiously.It’s a strange world.
Meanwhile Emile finished the window and was polishing the dressing able mirror.What luck for Mary and Stan  that Emile loves microfibre and Windolene.Next they are hoping to buy him tiny vacuum cleaner… that would  help to gather up all the dust from the floor and let Mary get on with her book
Mirrors and the development of the pre-oedipal child’s theory of integers and meta-language as hypothesised by Philomena Seagull.a Follower of Freud

Mary is worrried

On Saturday afternoon after luncb ,or midday dinner as we said up north before winning places in posh which stole our native language, Mary began to feel very nervous, as she was going to the hospital with Stan on Monday for his next appointment with Dr.Range Rover.
Mary was puzzled.She felt almost happy last week about seeing this kind hearted and gracious well dressed female doctor.However she had been shunted sideways onto a male doctor who was almost totally silent.. so much so that he seemd to absorb Mary’s questions into his sponge of a brain without feeling the need to respond,just like many British husbands do… and it may be aa universal trait in men world wide.
Why do I feel so apprehensive this week? Mary asked her dear black cat Emile.
After all.I was happy to see her or to even have a biopsy last weekend.Why have I changed in my feelings so much in a week?
Does it matter? purred Emile.
Maybe your mood is affected by something else.. like fatigue or housework or the ravages of age… [he was well read]
We don’t always know why we feel a certain way but I feel it’s good if we are willing to accept these negative moods.Even I have my moods when the fish you get me is not the right sort and you don’t give me my cat’s handkerchief neatly ironed.
You are so wise,Emile,especially as,being a cat,you never have to endure these interviews with consultants in horrible outpatients clinics.So you must have a wonderful empathy for humans
This lady doctor tomorrow is exciting me,cried Emile loudly.May I come in your Grace Kelly handbag.
What’s wrong with my shopping bag?Good grammar,by the way..
Well,she wil be surprised if you take a heavy shopping bag even if it has a Mondrian design on it… she may get suspicious.. even paranoid.If I am in your handbag she will not realise.
Not unless you miaow,mused Mary benignly as she smiled down at him her singular eyes gleaming like the headlamps on a Roller.
I like to know the reason for things,she continued somewhat frantically.I think therefore I might be eventually.I am not yet,for sure.
Does everything have a reason,shouted Stan querulously from the hall…
Wel ,it does,but it might be beyond human understanding like the Burning Bush..
We can only perceive what our language permits unless we are poets,mystics or artists and even then it’s tough to venture into the unknown,unthought or unknowable..
languages develop in societies and learning your language embeds you in many cultural assumptions without you realising it.You think it’s reality when it is just one perspective.
How true,screeched Annie their neighbour from outside the open patio door.She stopped there in her teal velour tracksuit with matching eyeshadow and trainers.
You seem to be overthinking,she said to Mary.Are you sickening with the heat?It’s like loving too much, which may be co-dependency.
That’s a very silly pc word,said Stan rudely.We are all dependent but men can hide it until their wives run away with the milkman and they get a shock not knowing how much they’d miss her changing the sheets and buying their underpants and socks.And ironing their hankies
Surely that’s not the main reason a man might miss his wife,cried Mary as she carried in the tea tray with a big white insulated teapot. so I hear
Well,you can go on the web and find a virtual sex partner or even buy a dummy woman. but it’s tough to find a devoted woman who knows what you need to function.
Why don’t you buy your own underwear and use tissues?,asked Emile
Well,Emile,I put out the rubbish and wash the heavy Le Creuset pot.I see to the car and bikes.I paint the fence and even bake cakes.
Mary washes the clothes and changes the sheets unless she has an idea to write down.She kindly does all the worrying for both of us and I remain calm like a lighthouse.We complement each other ideally.. and we love each other and a few others as well..without giving away our secrets
That’s one waay of describing it,thought Mary without commenting out loud
Anyway,I am still wondering why I feel nervous about Dr Range Rover….
If you accepted the nervusness it might ease,said Annie wisely in her high voice like a car siren going off at night
Just then the doorbell rang.It was Dave the bisexual transvestite paramedic.
Emile phoned 999 saying Mary was having kittens, he said rapidly.This really must stop;inter species sex is not allowed here like most sexual activity
He was speaking metaphorically or is it metonymically,Stan groaned.
Now you are here go and make us a fresh pot of tea and admire my new tea caddy.I bought it for Mary last week in that new shop in town.
At your service,sir,Dave said politely,his flowered dress waving in the breeze.
Do you know anything about Dr Range Rover,Dave? Annie murmured
What is her reputation etc
Some people like her, Dave said,Usually men.she’s not so good with women..
Well it’s too late to change thought Mary so I shall have to willingly endure the agony of meeting her again as I cannot leave Stan on his own with her…
why who knows what might happen? She might become his mistress as he likes several nowadays. despite nearly being too thi to live…
God only knows, a little voice said.
Hello,said Mary.I’ve not heard from you lately.
Well,I am still here looking after you
Thank you, Lord,I love you, Mary shouted joyfully to the surprise of Stan and Annie, not to mention the cat Emile who was unlearned in the religion of his owners.
I thought you were an atheist,Annie said with horror.
I am an atheist and I believe in God.It’s what we call a paradox..Mary cried graciously….
What would Wittgenstein have said?
Whereof one cannot understand,therof one must be patient and tolerant,.
Why does Mary need to understand all her feelings…Stan wondered
When it’s raining she doesn’t spend hours wondering why and similarly if it’s raining in her heart she must take it like parched grass…she thinks too much.
Too much for what? Her sanity perhaps which has at times bei.ng doubtful but that has made her very understanding to those who find life hard.Everyone has value,even mad,nervous half blind, supersensitive, vulnerable,stout arthritic female mathematical geniuses like Mary.She enriches the tapestry of life in a very real sense as e once said
And so say all of us,she’s a jolly good Fellow of All Proles College,Oxenford..you know how famous it is!

Stan gets a letter

Photo1446
 Dear Stan
I hope I you don’t mind me telling you I had some problems with your last few letters.Even at your age it is risible to learn.So hear are my thoughtd
Your spelling is now so absolutely ferocious I almost passed out in Church [The sermon was too boring so I opened your latest missile]
You seem to have forgotten all the wiles of grammar we once learned at school..Maybe you should write more letters to keep you au fate with English as she is poked about today all over the world and beyond
And don’t you have anything interesting to tell me about.Surely something indecent must happen over and over again in your town.Why not pass it on to me.I would be delighted to be read all about that sort of thing… old age is so dull.
You never say how Mary is.Is she still riding that old bicycle from University days.I can’t imagine why you don’t get her a new one instead.Can she not drive?
I think it’s unseemly to let your wife ride a second hand bicycle.The neighbors may despise you,imagining you are from the underclass and therefore ripe for abuse by all and thundery.Nowadays being poor is dangerous.
Why even your car is 19 years old.Have you never been tempted to keep up with the Jones’s, whoever they may be nowadays.A new car and a loft conversion would only be about 60 thousand pounds and your self esteem would rise like a butterfly in a thunderstorm.I say this only to help you
I have noticed you are getting thinner and Mary is getting much fatter.I do hope God has not worked a miracle and made her big with child at her age,though we could certainly do with a New Messiah.
On second thoughts,it would save a great deal of suffering if she were to get an abortion immediately… it’s less painful than Crucifixion…. you catch my drift, and giving birth at her age would be dangerous.Not to mention you gave up carpentry long ago.And pensions are low.
I hope I haven’t offended you but at 109 I doubt if you are still potent… it’s only natural we lose a little with each passing year especially when you have both a wife and a mistress as you did for many a merry decade.You must have worn yourself out with pleasure.
Well,I just wanted to tell you about your dreadful spelling.Think about getting an online Dictionary.We all regret things as we age.Don’t be shy.You can tell me anything and regret it with whoever later on
Well,that’s all my news this week.I hope you get some good weather soon.
With love and warmest wishes from us both,

Joshua and Marie.

PS.It’s terribly hot down here  in Hell! Hope to see you soon

Stan gets a shock

Emile is happpy

Stan and Annie have been having such a lovely time since Mary went off.Stan has quite given up his addiction to microfibre cloths and polishing the windows.He and Annie can now make love at night and go out for trips in the day time.

Emile’s diary is getting quite full although he is worried he may be banned from sleeping on the foot of the bed soon as he may be in their way.How will he know what they get up to?
Luckily there is a gap at the bottom of the door so he should be able to see them in the mirror opposite the bed.They usually light the bedside lamp so as to see into each other’s eyes.
Annie is a very bold,confident woman.Despite being rather plumper than is medically advised she loves her body and lives happily in it now she has true love.
One morning Stan goes down to make some  tea while Annie comes to.
“Stan,come here quickly!”
“What’s wrong,my little lamb chop?”
“I feel sick!”
“Was it those old sausages we ate up last night?”
“No,it’s a different sort of sick!”
“You don’t “Yes,Stan,I’m afraid a miracle has happened!”
“But you are 55 and I’m 90.Surely we can’t have a baby!”We haven’t even had sex yet
“Well,the ways of God are strange.” she murmured.
“I don’t want to bring God into it.” he riposted.
“Are you not pleased I am still fertile?” she asked him humorously.
“Well,in the abstract I might be but in the concrete it could be awkward.” he said furtively
“What do you mean?”
“Well,Mary will be coming back in a couple of months,you know”
“We don’t have to tell her you are the father.I could pretend it was the new Vicar at St Andrew’s”
“But he’s gay!”
“Not many men are able to resist my charms and skills.”
“I can believe that,”Stan answered lubriciously.
“But will you have to seduce him soon before he notices you are pregnant?”
“I wasn’t thinking of actually going to bed with him,”said Annie with a smile.
“Oh,dear.I was looking forward to that,”Emile murmured under his breath
“That would have made my diary into a best seller.”
“Gay vicar seduces middle aged harlot who is now expecting.”
It sounds a bit like the old Bible stories except they had no vicars in those days.But miracles like older women bearing children did happen so…who knows?
Stan and Annie got dressed and went into the kitchen.
They were both looking confused.
“You don’t want an abortion do you?” he enquired tenderly.
“No way.” she replied softly.
“I love you so much,I could not wish for more than to bear your child.~”
“In that case,I’ll tell Mary.She is a very wise woman in  many ways,though a bit lacking in the earthjer side of life.She has not slept with me for thirty years or more.”
“Perhaps she thought you were too old?” said Annie.
“No,she never enjoyed it.She just put up with it as she wanted a baby.”
“Maybe you did not turn her on!”
“I did my best,but she preferred reading Proust and
Wittgenstein.”
“I wonder of she has Asperger’s syndrome?”
“Well,they do find social life trying but I suppose she can’t blame you for loving another?”
“No,she’s very broadminded.I’ll suggest we all move in  together.I’ll divorce her but she can have the big  bedroom and we’ll have the guest room with the en suite.”
“I think this will be fun.”
“Well,not all of it but it will be intriguing,”
“So no need to seduce the Vicar,then?”
“We’ll leave him out of it.He might fall in love with you and then what would happen?”
“God only knows,”She answered humorously as she went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

Read more about this next week or it may be too late!

A stranger calls on Stan and Mary

Stan was reading the paper at 9 pm when. surprisingly, the front door bell rang.Emile,his delightful tomcat who was asleep,nearly jumped out of his furry skin.Stan opened the front door cautiously.
“Goodnight,sir.” remarked the handsome man standing there.
“Goodnight?”Said Stan confusedly,”Bur I’ve never seen you before.Are you the sandman who comes to put children to sleep?”
“Good evening,sir.” the man continued,”I’m so sorry my English is so poor.I am , still studying David McChrystal’s Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language and I’m still a trifle mystified.”
“What do you want?”Stan asked him.”What do I want?I want to study philosophy,write a novel and make some friends”
“No,no.” said Stan”I mean,why are you here?”
“A good question,why are we here?Do we have a mission in life or are we here as a result of mere chance and happenstance or even serendipity?”
“I mean,why are you here ringing my doorbell at this time of the night?”
“Shouldn’t that be evening,sir?” The stranger enquired sardonically yet politely.
“Look.are you after something?”
“Well,I’m after a  higher degree at college though so far I’ve not managed to  write a thesis yet.”
“Well,faint minds never win  higher degrees!”Stan advised him cuttingly
“What’s happening,”called Mary from her study where she was reading a critique of Principia Mathematica for the seventh time.
“God only knows!” said Stan.
Mary came to the front door.She wore a green silk blouse with a jade necklace, a pair of smart jeans from Per Una and some pink trainers with yellow laces.On her face she wore Lancome of Paris light beige foundation,strawberry pink lipstick and purple mascara from Clinique.Her perfume was by Beyonce.Buy all this with one click on the link below.It’s only £7,000.
“Goodnight,madam” said the stranger.
“I think that’s  rude,” said Mary.”If you’ve never met someone before it’s inappropriate to say goodnight.”
“Well,we aren’t in bed,” he replied laboriously with his rare accent..
“What  has that got to do with it?”
“Inappropriate is often used to refer to sexual behaviour.”
“Well,for crying out loud,who are you?” she whispered politely.
“I’m the new curate!””I’m Polish.”
“Well,I’m sorry I don’t know a single word of it.would you like to speak in Latin?”
“Ite,missa est!”The curate exclaimed.
“Uno reductio ad absurdum”Stan muttered.
“That’s Italian,UNO” cried Mary.
“Well,it’s pretty similar.”
“Well,I must go,”said the curate anxiously.
“You’ve not been yet so how can you go?”
“I don’t know,sir.Good evening,good afternoon,good morning.”the red face man screamed as he ran hurriedly down the garden path.
“Are we Catholics now?”Mary asked Stan.
“Oh,I can’t remember,” he said.”Do we go to church?”
“Well,we may be non-practising,I suppose.”
“Perhaps we’d better start practising,” he murmured affectionately.
“Oh,if you insist,” she replied in an unwifely roguish tone.
“That’s right,blame it all on the man.In my experience it’s you who is keener than me.”
“What are you talking about?”she enquired seductively yet courteously.
Suddenly the door bell rang.It was the curate.
“Goodnight” he called.”goodnight”
“Goodnight,” they responded in their reserved yet rude English fashion.
“Mioaw” cried Emile,”Mioaw,miaow,

A story with a hint of a prayer

Stan was looking out of his bay window at the old rowan tree. in front of their lovely house in a quiet tree lined avenue in Knittingham,U.K..After some very intense sunshine in August,its leaves had withered and he thought it might be dead.He had his microfibre cloth but was not even pretending to clean the window…. one of his duties in the home..he preferred cooking  as it was crearive.
He was thinking pensively because his wife Mary had told him he ought to be wearing an antiperspirant when they had a few words the night before.
“But I’m 105,” he cried.”Surely,I don’t need an antiperspirant now?”
“Don’t exaggerate,”Mary replied,”You are only 75.Do you need Cognitive Age Truth Therapy as well?”
“Don’t be so rude; do I smell nasty,?” he asked her angrily,ignoring the faint hint he was exaggerating about his age.
“Well,it says in the Telegraph that all the Top Men now wear deodorants.”
“Good grief, what made you read the Telegraph,that extremely right wing apology for a newspaper?And I should say the present government certainly need strong deodorants.I have a good wash every day and a bath once in a blue moon…I am clean enough for my mistress!”
Annie his mistress lived right next door to the surprise of all who thought they knew them well.
How can we ever know any other people well?
“Well,I am taking you to Boot’s tomorrow to find one for you”
“How dare you order me about like this.Even if I wanted to wear a deodorant I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that.~I am an adult man and I smell the same as always ;why don’t you buy me a new sponge and some decent soap in Sainsburys’ instead of this lavender or rose rubbish.”
Mary began to sob quietly
“What’s wrong,my little jacket potato.” he asked her gently in the language of the North British.
“Well,maybe it’s my therapy…I have been recollecting memories of girls teasing me because we had only a tin bath in our house and no bathroom.It was cold going to the lavatory down the backyard as well,especially when I got dysmenorhea………….otherwise known as period pains, when I might be there half an hour.
So I guess I thought I might smell nasty.I am reliving the pain and anguish and as a defense I am projecting my fear onto you,That’s maybe why I was so rude to you.”
“Eeh,by gum,she’s swallowed the Dictionary of Psychoanalysis not to mention the Encarta too”thought Emile their smiling tom cat.”Does she like the Oxford Dictionary?”
“Well,you do smell.Like honey… you smell just the way I like a woman to smell…Natural”
“How would you describe it,my sweet onion pie?”
“Like a cat on  my seat ,my honeybum” he answered tenderly yet manfully with his Freudian slip sticking out a mile.
“But surely you have never had intercourse with a cat?” she queried nervously yet longingly.
“No,not sexual intercourse, but I have slept with many female cats and I know well their varying smells,their mews and their claws.”
“Just like me” whispered Emile,” and I like how women smell too.I like perfume..especially Poison and Chanel Nr5″
“So I shall come to Boots with you and I shall buy you some perfume.Then we can have coffee and cake somewhere for a real treat.” Stan told Mary assertively.She kissed his fair white cheek.. now a little red from the sun.He kissed her right ear as it seemed the only part near enough.
“I like coffee and cake,”purred Emile,”And I want a deodorant and some cologne. and a few other things”
“I think I could put you in my handbag “,said Mary kindly….which would be a pleasant change for Emile.They often left him alone in the house though he could drop into Annie’s at any time…and watch her tidying her make up box out or having a bath with lots of foam.Emile adored her,She even had a cat flap put in just for him.
So soon they will be on their way into town in their best clothes.Will Emile sit on a chair or will he stand on Stan’s knee.Wait patiently…. he might break his saucer.
The future is pre-fiction

Emile hates tea

In the ancient churchyard with large tree
Behind the ancient Norman church is a lovely lawn
Ancient vicarage garden
  • Stan has just got back from church.He helps to polish the pews on a weekly rota.He also embroiders kneelers.He learned in the Navy.Sailors used to knit whilst on long voyages and sew too.Now he’s home and making some coffee.
    Ah ah,the doorbell.He ignores it.Then Annie appears tapping on the window.
    “Hello,what’s up?” Stan enquires impatiently.Church seems to affect him that way….
    “I’m just a bit lonely as Emile’s come back to you.”
    “What about the bee you adopted.Bobbi?
    “”They’re affectionate but rather hard to cuddle,”she answered with tears in her green eyes.
    “They do look soft and furry but they are too small”
    “You need something bigger..how about a dog?”
    “I’d prefer a man,”she said softly and suggestively.
    “Why not give meditation a go?” Emile miaowed.
    “I’m a bit past it all now at 106,” Stan replied.”But, if you get some rainbow striped underwear from Ann Summers and some red bed socks , maybe that might help with the desirability aspect.”
    “I will not be seen dead in striped underwear,” she cried cunningly.
    “Well,why don’t you go on the internet?You could find someone younger and slimmer than me!”
    Annie looked very angry.”I’ve spent 20 years on you.Are you telling me it’s all wasted?”
    “No,it’s been useful to know how to ring 999,” he admitted wonderingly.
    “But my baking would have been quicker if you hadn’t kept coming in trying to induce me,reduce or seduce me.”he said confusedly
    “Are you losing your word power?” she asked curiously.
    “No,I said that on purpose.I’m training to go to a poetry weekend at East Anglia University.”
    “You are so daring,darling!”
    “Well,what have I got to lose? he riposted jovially.
    “And all the food is included.It’s only £3,000 for the weekend!”
    “Is that cheap?”
    “I don’t know.I need to look at the Index of Retail Prices or whatever they have nowadays.”
    They sat before the computer gazing at the government data and statistics with pen and paper in their hands.
    “I really enjoyed that,”said Annie,”It’s even better than sex!”
    “Thank God for that,” thought Stan with wry amusement.
    “Now I can keep her busy learning more about how to analyse data.I’m fed up with kissing her all day long.Now we can study for Open University degrees in mathematics and statistics and keep our minds lively.”
    “Quick put the kettle on Mary is here.”
    “Hello,Mary.We are studying government statistics.It’s so interesting.”
    “Yes,I know” she answered coltishly.”But a woman has another needs too.”
    “Oh,no!” cried Stan,”Not you too.” He fell onto the striped rug by the fire.
    “Oh,dear,I suppose we’d better ring 999!” said Mary to Annie.”How lucky you are here,dear.”
    “Well,I’ll make the tea.We’ll need it.”
    “By the way,Annie,your eyes are looking so bright.Like two emeralds.” Mary whispered.”Have you ever fancied a woman?”
    “No,darling.It never occurred to me.So many men.So little time.”
    “Well,do let me know if you are interested!”
    “Sorry,dear.I want to become a government statistician then maybe I can understand government the from within, as it were.”
    She ran out singing “Onward Socialist Lovers” to welcome Dave,the handsome paramedic who was at the door.
    “Dave,do you know any Statistics” she called.
    “Only vital ones,my angel,” he replied coolly.
    “How’s Stan?”
    “Not dead yet”Stan called spiritedly from the blue lambswool, hand washable Mary Quant rug.
    “Get me some fresh tea and we can all discuss the latest health statistics.”
    Anne laughed merrily but she looked truly insincere.At least according to Emile ,who was hiding behind the television in the corner
    .”I wish we could have our dinner,” he murmured.But no-one heard him.
    Cats don’t like tea but nobody seems to know.Emile is hoping to write a book soon.”Cat against tea.”