Category: fiction

Mary visits the hospital

pinkcatandsun

Mary went to the hospital  to see the rheumatologist.The entire hospital had been re-built and half the site was full of so called “Executive Homes”
She and Annie took a cab as it was raining hard.Although Mary was wearing her new green raincoat, she did not like to get it wet.
Where did you buy your mac,Annie enquired jauntily?
Cotton Traders,Mary admitted nervously.It looked lighter  than it is and Stan liked me in green
You already  have two trenchoats and a nylon mac,Annie told her.And Stan is no logere here
What’s it to you?Do  you want me to give all my money to the poor?
Well, some of it,Annie responded  anxiously.You need to pay your utilities.

My utilities!That sounds like something sexual that cannot be openly named,Mary cried
You are confusing it with urethra, Annie laughed
What is my ethra? whispered Mary
No, the urethra is a little tube for the bladder to empty itself  through
Isn’t  the human body amazing? Mary acknowledged wisely
Definitely, said Annie and I love wearing beautiful  clothes like velvet
Where do we draw the line though, between  looking good and giving money to the poor, tortured or victimised,Mary pondered

It is hard now because we can  see what the rich have and we want it.Annie shouted
Or in your case  you can see all those philosophy books on Amazon and buy them with one click she continued.
Mary could see in her mind’s eye her living room piled high with books but if she were rich like Michael Frayn she could have a huge house full of shelves and desks.
Adam Phillips,’ room looked more full than Mary’s and he must want it like that

In the waiting room Mary looked at Wittgenstein’s biography by Ray Monk  on her kindle
while Annie read The Sun.Soon Mary was called in
Hello, said Doctor Morse.How are you?
In the pink , she cried
I don’t understand, he  screeched likea parrot
It’s an old English saying.It means I feel fine, but I don’t   really that’s why I am here
He looked at her left hand. and said there was no cartilege betweeb the the thumb and wrist.
Where has it gone,Mary asked but he remained silent
Then he said,I think steroid injections will help.Would you turn your chair tound by 180 degrees so you can put your arm on my desk?
Mary turned round and felt a bit dizzy
It’s hard getting older isn’t it, the doctor said in a tone rather artificially kind like a bad actor on stage and afraid.
Mary burst out laughing.
You are a weird person, he told her tenderly with  his glowing eyes shining like the moon over Lake Windermere in October.
Well, we can’t all be  exact;y the same ,she told him logically
Then she had to turn her chair round again. despite her poor hands
Why don’t you have swivelling chairs ,she asked pointedly
They won’t give me  enough money
Can’t you buy a second hand one? Mary wondered
No, it has to pass Health and Safety,Dr Morse whispered cautiously
I see.Well don’t  blame it all on the EU.
I love the EU, he told her.I hope Brexit fails
Me too she croaked
They sat in companiable silence for a few minutes until his next patient arrived
I will see you in September, he told her

Miaow, cried Emile from Mary’s designer handbag
What the hell is that, the doctor asked nervously

Don’t worry doctor.I forgot to  leave Emile in the Waiting Room
Emile stuck out his head and smiled at Dr Morse
Good morning, he said  graciously.Is Dave the paramedic here?
No, they are  not here they  have their own  Ambulance Station down the road
Emile  began to sob.
Mary apologised as she shook hands with the doctor.
Thank you for helping me, she murmured.I feel better already
And so say all of us

Mary, sweat and the nail brush

 

Mary went upstairs to the bathroom to wash her dirty hands after she had been repotting two spider plants. When she looked  at the pale blue sink, she could see a bar of soap but she could not see the nail brush.
Mary felt   cross because Stan did not like nail brushes and he would hide the nail brush in different places so that Mary could not find it
In fact they now had 13 nail  brushes but despite that, Stan had  managed to hide all of them.. Stan himself did not care if his nails were clean or dirty, although Mary  cared a great deal .He could not seem to understand the connection between using a brush and having clean nails
Of course there are other ways of getting clean nails; for example handwashing your underwear in detergent or shampoo would also get the  nails clean at the same time. however Stan did not wash clothes by hand very frequently. In fact the whole subject of washing and cleaning seems alien to his mind
He said to Mary one day, “my jumpers smell funny”
That is why we have a washing machine, she told him kindly
All clothes get dirty either from sweat and bodily fluids or from dropping tomato sauce onto one’s lap while dining.
She could have said “if your jumpers smell funny, why don’t you laugh ?”  but she was no longer a school girl unfortunately.
We may not like being school girls,  but when we look back we realise that playing with balls and mercury in the physics lab was  better than cleaning the kitchen floor or even one’s nails. If you are a school girl you’ll probably have someone at home who will make your dinner for you and maybe wash your blouse  while you concentrate on writing an essay on the uses of the past irrational tense in Hamlet ,that great play by William Shakespeare.
Mary looked round the bathroom, where is the nail brush she cried to Emile her cat
Why, Mother, it’s on the window sill next to your deodorant
My deodorant ; how do you know that’s what it is, can you read?
Not yet   purred Emile  but I saw you putting it underneath your arms I mean in your armpit mother
I don’t think that you should come into the bathroom when I am getting  washed, Mary told Emile in a kindly tone of voice. Why I never even knew you would have heard of deodorant
Actually I have also heard of antiperspirants, Emile  told heer graciously but I would not like to use an antiperspirant because the sweat or the odour from our bodies is what attracts other cats to us for mating ;well actually, it’s using a female smells lovely and then the male cat is attracted by this beautiful scent and with a bit of luck they might mate and a produce a family of kittens
So see what you are missing ,mother
I don’t want to smell beautiful and then have 6  kittens to look after.
No you would have human babies to look after
But would I have to have 6  said Mary I don’t think my body is big enough to carry 6 innocent  babies.
Well you seem we cats are superior because we can have 6 or even 8 kittens  at once and we can soon build up a large colony of cats in any neighbourhood and it’s all down to  sweat, really
That is fascinating  muttered Mary as she took the nail brush and put it under the hot tap before getting the soap and applying it to her fingernails
Do cats have nail brushes? the cat asked her
What, you don’t have nails!
Could we have claw brushes?
I suggest that when Stan comes home you ask him to give you a bath and put some fairy snow into the bath and then your talons or claws will be cleaned as you soak without you exerting any effort
I want to make an effort,  cried the cat ,I want to look very good tonight
Why asked Mary ,it will be dark when you go out so the female cats will not be able to see your claws
I’s a bit like you cleaning your teeth before you go out in the evening I know it’s not just for hygiene it’s in case you want to kiss somebody and you don’t want them to taste your Weetabix from your teeth
Good heavens, are you into French kissing, Emile?
I’ve never heard of it ,he said. I didn’t know there more than one way of  kissing. You see cats don’t kiss very much so we don’t know a lot about it
You should consider yourself lucky said Mary as there are very unpleasant men who will offer me a lift home in their car after a meeting and then before I can get out they plump their large and ugly lips on my lips   and seem to think I will enjoy it
Yes it must be very difficult so then especially as you can’t scratch them because they will probably call the police
I doubt it now ,muttered Mary they will be afraid of being accused of sexual harassment
My goodness that’s another thing that cats don’t have, we don’t have much choice really  our Feelings come over us and if there’s a willing lady cat nearby then we will enjoy ourselves no wonder there are so many cats in Knittingham  how many of them are you the father of?
I have no idea
Just think that if I walk down the street and see 6 cats they could all be your children Mary told him
And on the other hand, they could be the children of any  tom cat within 5 miles
Yes you are right said Mary it’s a pity that you can’t write and keep a diary so that you would know roughly how many female cats you may have impregnated in the last 6 months
Why, is that what you put in your diary, the cat asked her with a naughty expression in his eyes
You know perfectly well what I put in my diary

went to the dentist with a broken tooth

went to the chemist to buy a nail brush

Went in  coffee shop and had a cup of tea

struggle to the bus stop and onto the bus

crossed on the zebra crossing

came home and  burst into tears

Yes I do understand this,mewed Emile,lt is very difficult for you now with all the pain you suffer but you are very brave and you don’t complain a lot but when Stan comes home I shall tell him and ask him to buy you a beautiful silk scarf and a necklace from the Royal Academy gift shop like he used to do in Times Gone By.He must have forgotten lately

So he must , murmured Mary

What a very  lovely man Stanley is.

Yes but we haven’t seen him for a while ;has he gone on holiday?

Well that’s one way of describing at st. Mary . We never know whether he might be on his way home or  if there’s someone else  who has a prior claim on him

It puzzles all of us!

Stan and the Yorkshire puddings

  • Stan was cooking the Sunday dinner.As usual up North it was roast beef and Yorkshire puddings.Stan was very good with  Yorkshire puddings.
    They ate them with gravy before the main course just to maintain tradition.Even Emile,their talking cat, loved a pudding soaked in thick meaty gravy..Suddenly the kitchen door burst open and in rushed their neighbour Annie… covered in blue paint.
    What’s happened to you,hinny,Stan enquired naughtily.Surely you are not house painting on  a Sunday?
    No,I never paint  thee housemyself,she responded.I was in the shed and a stray cat was up on the top shelf.It leaped off  and knocked over over this  old tin of paint.I’m wondering how to get it out of my hair?The paint,not the cat!
    What type of paint is it?
    It’s emulsion paint.
    Well,I’m afraid you can’t get it out!
    I can’t go around town with blue hair,she cried hysterically..
    Well,all I can think is,I could cut off a little of your hair.
    OK, if that’s the only way.she said,being keen on Stan’s touching her even if only on the head.
    Can I stay and eat with you?
    Of course,sweetheart.Now here are some pinking shears.
    Have you no ordinary scissors?she screeched fractiously.
    No,we lost them.But pinking shears will give a layered effect.
    Stan began cuttting the left side of Annie’s hair.Then he went around to the right.
    She looked in the mirror,The left side  is a bit longer than the right.
    OK I’ll cut off a bit more on the left.
    Oh,my God.The shears slipped,it’s gone really short!
    All Stan could do was cut the remainder of Annie’s lovely hair so it was only 2.54 cm long all over.
    Suddenly Mary came in,I didn’t know you were a hair dresser she said sardonically to her husband.
    Well,Annie got paint in her hair so I’ve trimmed her hair.
    Trimmed it..it looks like she won’t need a cut for about two years.
    Annie began to sob noisily ,terrifying Emile who was hiding behind the flour bin.
    Well,Stan answered, it will be easier to wash and dry and no need for rollers etc
    I think it looks charming.
    Why pinking shears?Mary whispered.You could have used my dressmaking ones.
    Well,.too late now mioawed Emile sarcastically.
    Well,I think it looks sweet,said Stan bravely.
    Meantime,you have burned the puddings again
    Just like King Alfred and the cakes.Men are only good at savoury and meat dishes.
    It takes a woman to cook puddings and cakes.But Yorkshire puddings are savouries.
    I wonder how Wittgenstein would have classified them ?   cried Mary enthusiastically.
    Not Wittgenstein again,moaned Stan,can’t you move onto someone else?
    Whom do you suggest?
    Try Carnap for a while.
    Oh,he’s more of a logician,Mary said defiantly,You see I love Wittgenstein as a human being..
    Are you committing adultery ?Stan demanded  dominatingly
    That’s an exaggeration,He’s dead i believe.
    That’s what they all say,shouted Stan angrily.
    But what about you and Annie?
    Well,I get lonely with you lecturing and researching all day long.
    Surely you could wait till I come home?
    I suppose so,though a harem has always been my dream!
    I think you are past it,said Mary rudely.
    That’s not what I see, said Emile quietly.
    Meanwhile Annie had washed her hair an it dried in tiny uneven curls all over her head.
    It looks quite fetching,they decided as they sat down to eat the charred yorkshire puddings.
    What an exciting Sunday especially for Stan who enjoyed touching and playing with women’s hair.
    I wonder if it’s a mental illness?
    I’ll have to look on the internet.
    Still, better than panic attacks, he thought consolingly as he carried the roast beef into the dining room where the women were discussing religious topics including a curiosity about why Christians were so anti Semitic despite Jesus’s wish for people to love each other.and besides Jesus being God,he was also a Jewish person too on his mother’s side.
    That’s interesting,Stan thought,Here people think he’s English!What a weird world it is,to be sure.
    Little children,love one another,as someone once said many years ago but humankind is still in the toddler stage of development I fear…. and going backwards too.

You may be my saviour

With a Bible on one hand and a wash cloth in the other
I find that sex is difficult whatever  or whoever
My arms unable to embrace, I feel I am in danger
Despite that you’re my husband and not a total stranger
I guess you really cherish me , thank you most sincerely
If I  caress your loving face,maybe you will feel me
I only wish I might kiss you without  the microbes knowing
I cannot even wipe my nose,  I think it needs a blowing
I wonder now how we got wed, you must have been quite crazy
For wanting to get married to  a scrupulous  young lady
All too soon we shall be old and arthritis will afflict us
I’ll throw the Bible overboard  then God cannot detect us
And then I  shall be able to pull you even  nearer
For I sincerely  love you darling, you get  ever dearer.
Dearer for just loving me and all my weird behaviour
Are you sure it’s not Jesus but you who are my saviour?

Mary wants a party

acer-palmatum-shindeshojoStan was down on his hands and knees washing and scrubbing at the carpet with a new microfibre cloth and some shampoo for dry hair.He had a bucket of hot water beside him.
Happy, as always, when cleaning and
scrubbing he whistled
“The lark ascending” for his cat Emile, whilst sipping at a big mug of lager.
Mary was down in the town buying some new earrings to match her red dress from Phase 8 Sale.
Their granddaughter Flora had also gone to town but she wanted a nose ring not an earring.As she was a girl it was mandatory in the UK.

Suddenly, quite out of the blue,the doorbell rang.They always do don’t they.It was their Muslim neighbour Bert
.”We’re going away in the caravan.”He boasted gruffly.”Anyroad,the cat ,Nelsonia Mandelinaah, doesn’t want to come.Would you be able enough to feed her over the weekend without any politically correct remarks
being issued ,as it were?”
” Certainly” Stan responded jovially.”When are you off?”
“Well we went last week but we need a weekend in bed to recover from seeing Brent Cross Shopping Centre in Kettlewell right next to the old Post Office.[Kettlewell,Yorkshire’s idyllic village]
“Very strange”Stan said,”Mary was in it only yesterday ,she claims,in Knittingham spending all our minute
joint pension on new dresses and shoes.”
“I encounter women who have seen Brent Cross down the road all the time all over Britain.
Still they’re entitled to believe what they want!
” “But what will the consequences be?”
“Is there a flying Brent Cross?”
“That sounds rather religious,” Bert answered quickly
,”Is it an augury?”
“I’d say it’s an omen,myself”
“But of what?”
“The times we live in?
“But what’s going to happen?”
“God knows.”
“Well,does he though?”Stan’s hot water had gone cold.In fact it was frozen.”The laws of physics seem very mutable” Stan wrote in his journal,
“Also my spelling has deteriorated badly since I began drinking lager.
Would whisky be better?”
Meanwhile,he had cleaned only one third of the carpet.
He filled the bath with hot soapy water,stepped in fully clothed and then rolled himself around all over the carpet to pick up all the fluff.
When Mary came in she was amazed,
“What’s going on?”
“You look as if you’ve been having an orgy on the floor!”
An orgy was something unknown to Stan as yet.”Would you like one?” he murmured.
”Yes,”said Mary childishly
“Age has not beaten me yet!””Better have it soon before my knees get too bad!”So now Stan is cleaning the carpet again.It’s very soft and thick,just perfect!The list of invitees is posted on his blog.
Well,he’s been told to do something new every week.An orgy this week,the marathon later!
But why is Mary ringing 999?
Does she want to invite Dave,the paramedic or is it more sinister than I can tell you?
Yes,indeed,she wants to invite Mike Gove and Theresa May but she’s not telling Stan!.
She wants to give them her opinion of their politics before throwing a Bucket of cold water over each of them.Call it Baptism or Revenge.

And so say all of us

Broken windows

rosahimalayanmusk

 
Passing water into a small bottle for the doctor to have analysed is a task even the most brilliant find hard.Rosa  was not even  averagely  brilliant amongst the brilliants of history like Plato,Aristotle ,Simone de Boredwoy or Blaze Rascal not to mention St Coal,.
She grabbed her mobile as a dying man at his wife’s hand  and rang the cab service. she used now she was unable to see properly or ride her bike.
Hello,it’s Rosa Benchez here.Can a driver pick up my urine sample and take it to the surgery for me.Thank you so much.
No problem, the manager told her and soon afterwards a young man with dangling earrings arrived.She showed  him the sample hidden inside a Sainsbury’s shopping bag.He looked puzzled but agreed on payment of £259.89
She realised she had not eaten any breakfast so  decided to have an early lunch instead.As she ate her toasted cheese  and snake oil she fell into a daydream.She was with her  online man friend walking through a huge field of  her favourite flowers,cyclamen.They were walking along companionably without holding hands but together whilst also being apart which was delightful.
This was agreeable  since she had never met this very handsome  man in the flesh.He was called XY Matrix although his parents had never studied algebra as far as historians can tell.Could it be a pseudonym?
Maybe he was being raised to be a mathematical prodigy but he became a writer  and musician and managed to earn  a good income.He had a beautiful detached house filled with antiques and ceramic lamps like Freud’ study.In fact  he had copied that from historical photos and descriptions ; one day he hoped to become a therapist
Rosa and Fox as she called him got on well and shared a liking for poetry and music.Sometimes he had sent her music  as attachments on his emails.He seemed to love Wagner and Britten which seemed a curious combination to the British woman.He loved Britten’s Donne’s Sonnets sung by   the  stunning tenor Ian Bostridge.

After lunch, Rosa opened her laptop.She found an email from Fox.
You have been here and broken all my windows and my bath  is ruined, he wrote.I  am moving house to get away from you.And I am having  plastic windows.
Rosa was alarmed as it  defied  common sense.She did not know where his house was ;  it was in another country.So she emailed him back,
What is wrong , dear? You only said 2 days ago that my poetry had helped your sick friend when you went to visit him in the hospital
Waiting anxiously for his answer, she sipped some coffee and looked at her friend Dolly walk by, dressed in a pink suede jacket and black linen culottes with unmatching  red boots.
Where is Dolly going she wondered pensively  ,feeling like a cloud floating over Rydal Water in the winter not knowing which way the wind might blow it
After two hours  of  utter silence, she decided to wait until the evening when she had put away the  groceries and written a  triolet or two.She was  keen to do  it before she lost the  impetus
The whole evening went by so she emailed him again.But again he did not reply.
The next morning  she found a letter on the doormat.

 

1,Rancour Villas
Horror Lane
Dumbtown

Dear Rosa

I thought you would be kind and gentle like your poetry but you  have wounded me.
You asked me what date my dental appointment was which was an invasion of my privacy.
You  also told me you would not mind if  your son was gay whereas to me it is a sin  to indulge those sick appetites and you should not encourage him

Signed XY M

A dental appointment? It’s not as if she had asked him if  he had a sexually transmitted disease or whether he really believed in Jesus as his Saviour.Nor had she asked him if he liked  to smoke cigars in bed nor if he  let Lassie his sheepdog sleep on the bed and cuddle with him.For all she knew, the dog might be his partner or even his wife

She emailed him  as she felt anxious  in case he was having a breakdown.He replied,   saying she was not who he thought and he was finished with her.
I wonder who he thought I was, she asked herself as she sat   with tears in her eyes feeling concerned about what was really going on in his dear  mind.
Her cat Lucy ran up and sat on the arm of  the chair gazing frenziedly at her owner and mother
Don’t worry Lucy.I am sure I will soon  be ok. This must be a mistake.I think he has got paranoia which gets worse and then better
Rosa looked on Amazon and found a book called

Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers

Kantor MD, Martin

 

 Having read  a little of the book   online she decided it had some useful tips which could also apply to people who were not  paranoid , like always being polite, never telling lies and never arguing.As it was only £1899  she placed an order.If  her friend was really ill she did not want to make him worse.
On the other hand ,who   knows what his real motives might be?He could be a sadist or have got many women friends and not enough time to keep them all happy.
He might be gay and be using her to  see if he could love a woman at a distance better than one in the flesh.
We have to admit that often none of us know why we do certain things.As a friend used to say
It seemed a good idea at the time.
And so cry all of us.
.

I  feel I’m  more important than before

I  feel I’m  more important than  before
For no-one cared I lived here in my house
Now Google  spies on me  through my glass door

If I buy shoes from Clarks, they’ll tempt me more
Advertising frequently  and loud
I  feel I’m  more important than  before

If I  buy one new laptop, I need scores
How stupid is AI , and yet how proud
Now Google  spies on me  through my glass door

They know I’ve been to Boots but not what for
Soon they  will be spying via my mouse
I  glow, I’m  more important than  before

They steal as silently as none before
Even when I’m ironing  my spouse
See Google  spies on me  through my glass door

I   taught   what the laws of chance  allowed
I even taught my cat till she miaowed
By FBI and MI5   ignored
I   guess I’m  more important than  before

 

 

I’d be afraid of  a nuclear accident in my chest

She thought she’d like to be a poet
Calculating her vocabulary was ironic
She wrote free verse in stanzas three lines long
With a short intermission
She learned innocent  and good people
Attract the Evil and that even people who have suffered
Are not less susceptible to wanting power or worship
She learned idolatry is rampant  in men of power
“Men” is naturally inclusive
As you will know if you went to Eton
Or even to Mass in 1956
Why would I want Jesus’s soul even if he is God?
I’d be afraid of  a nuclear accident in my chest
There’s danger around the sacred,we need to know
Satan did have the best lines
Jesus did not answer the questions
We had no right to ask.
I find it’s useful to work with abstract concepts
Otherwise I might suffer too much
Whatever “too much” is
It could be epsilon or delta, you know what I mean?
Isaac Newton.Mercury.The dentist.
Leibniz’ dots.Whatever

To find a  hole, an absence and a dread

When I am happier than I am today
I seem to feel your presence and your gaze
But now I turn to where you sat and read
To find a  hole, an absence and  a dread

A lack  of energy,  a grey fatigue
A feeling that my heart unholy bleeds
Gives me no new  vibrance nor new look
I feel as dead as an old library book

Alas  I woke   one happy day to joy
Then off  it rode like an unstable boy
And when the doom descended then I cursed
For that  brief joy made my dumb dark heart  feel worse

If I could live like butterflies all bright
I should  have  my days of sun and light

Emile eats the cheese

e

2010 07 15 Yorkshire Dales over Wensleydale to Addleborough and beyond

North Yorkshire

 

 

Mary was sitting at her table reading a piece in the Guardian Family section When she had finished the sad interview with a woman whose son had shot dead 5 children in a school,she tried to get up but the decorative buttons on her shoes had become entangled and her feet were tied together..
What shall I do ? she asked herself nervously.Very soon the answer came.. to slip her shoes off and then pick the linked pair up.How stupid it is,she told herself,to make crossing one’s ankles so dangerous.But with her brilliant yet anxious mind she had solved the problem and not died at her laptop.Perhaps in that case nobody would have realised  her shoes had caused her death implemented by her stupidity at not recalling she could take them off!
She went into the kitchen where Emile had knocked over the pedal bin to get a piece of chicken left over from dinner.He had also got a large ball of rough twine and knocked it round the room creating a big tangled mess.
Just wait till Stan comes back,she told the wicked cat.You know quite well the bin is out of bounds.Look at the floor!The doctor will  blame me for this mess.
How will the doctor know? asked Emile politely.
Well,it’s just he seems to be around quite a lot nowadays.I think he liked my Earl Grey Tea.Or else he is anxious about me.He thinks I am too thin…

61292-photo1642
P1000268

Is he planning to hug you,asked the little black cat.
Oh,no.He can’t do that.I believe it is forbidden  by the Zippocratic Code even though my blood pressure falls if he holds my hand.
I’d have thought it might rise,mewed the naughty animal.
Now then ,Emile.I am beyond caring about men.Or women.I have no desire for desire if you understand me.
I don’t understand ,cried Emile, because cats  never lose their desire!
Well,one thing I know for sure,I am not a cat,Mary informed him .I am  human being.
Well,may I sit on your lap , asked  the cat.
Mary sat by the window watching the trees sway against the grey mauve sky.Emile rubbed against her bosom as if expecting milk to flow.
Stop that Emile. she shouted.I am getting aroused.And you are no use to me in that way.You are getting beyond the boundary of taste.
Maybe it’s good for your circulation,the cheeky animal whispered.Anyway I am stuck.Your necklace has hooked onto my collar.
Oh,my Lord  said Mary.
Don’t say you will be hanging round my neck forever.What shall we do now?There are a few possible answers,Emile said.
1.Take off your necklace

What and leave you dragging it round the garden.I’ll have you  know it cost 15 and six,Mary said mournfully

Was that before decimalisation or is it some other mathematical model? Emile said noisily.

2.Undo my collar and take it off me then we can try to separate them.

3.We could lie on the bed and gaze into each others eyes all day,he finished.Unless you need the bathroom .I am happy

Well, charming thought that sounds I am  not willing,Mary shouted foolishly.She tore off the necklace and by some miracle it came away from the collar and freed Emile who was not totally happy at this quick release
So you are not in love with me,he yelped like a small  but jealous god.~
Well,I do love you,sweetheart,But I am not expecting marriage.In any case  you would have to be  trans-species first and I don’t recommend it Even the most demanding folk in Britain have not yet requested to be made into cats,she told him half consciously.

Emile began to cry softly

Whatever’s wrong,dearest,she asked him mindfully.
I was hoping you could become a cat like me,Emile said in his Cockney accent which had picked up from the TV.
That is very sweet,dear but how would we pay the Council Tax and get books from the Library?
We would go to the old greenwood and live the life of freedom,he said.
Well,you are used to it,said Mary,but I like to think about Wittgenstein.I wonder if he’d like to be a cat if he were not dead.Would Sylvia Plath have been happier as a cat? We shall never know.But it could have helped her a great deal if Ted were just a randy tom.
Thus Mary , lounging in her red chair fell  fast asleep  in her   warm blue woolly dress with Emile on the dining table beside her eating some Wensleydale cheese she had forgotten to put away.
Mm very nice Emile mewed.I hope  the people in Wensleydale have made some more.

And so say all of us.

For it’s a jolly good seller.

Wondered what she might say next that could offend millions around the globe

New cats today

While Mary sat in the kitchen on a large pine chair looking at Hotter’s  latest shoe catalogue,Annie was creeping up the garden path in a pair of turquoise suede elegantly heeled shoes matching her teal tencel culottes and matching blouse.Round her neck was a large lump of amber on a gold chain handy for beating off muggers or lustful men
Despite the heat she was in full splendour with  golden beige tinted moisturiser from Langone of Lyons on her lovely complexion,pink eyeshadow  from Yves St Current and dark brown boot polish as  her mascara had run out and she’d not been out for a while to buy more
Annie ran the last few yards and darted like an eel into Mary’s 1970’s  kitchen.
What on earth are you doing,dear? Mary asked her.Those shoes look unsuitable for  leading anyone up the garden path.Mind you,I do like them
Oh,I’ll explain,Annie said huskily.
I told  that therapist across the road I was  living with you.
What exactly do you mean by living,Mary asked anxiously.
Well,he said yesterday that anyone who lives alone must be lacking in some way.Except for him of course as he had full  analysis with Alfred Zion.
You mean Wilfred Bion,Mary told her.
Zion,Bion,what’s the difference?
It shows your  lack of education,Mary told her.Not that education nowadays makes much difference when almost anyone can get a 1st or 2.1.After all would you pay £90,000 for a third class degree in Aeronautical Engineering?
That’s not quite what I would have done, said Annie.A degree in flirtation and pleasing men would be more up my street.And cooking of course although I once did have an interest in Hebrew and Aramaic.
It’s not a way to progress in  a neo-liberal economy,although reading the Hebrew Bible is always interesting.Personally I  prefer  that to the New Vex-a man.The stories,the love songs,the action.Mary’s round eyes gleamed with intellectual life and a bit of  languorous lust
How about God? Annie asked her.
He seems to have changed as he related to his people.But he was a friend despite being an abstract concept.Though one could hardly call him a concept as he is inconceivable.
Mary’s voice faltered as  she was stunned by her own articulacy and wondered what she might say next that could offend millions around the globe.
You should write a book,Annie said kindly.
I think I am ill-equipped to write about God.And ,also ,I am saddened to see how his  own people  have been treated.I can’t dwell on  it over much as I already feel weak and weepy.
Why what have you  been doing,asked Annie.
I have been sorting out clothes to  give to the hospice shop. I’ve got a big bag
full already and  2 bags of newspapers and rubbish of various kinds which somehow creeps into my bedroom…  tissues,cotton wool, old hairbrushes.I am hoping to get it nice and neat before my sister comes to see me in August.And no doubt she will not be happy even then.She’d like me to buy a  small new house with a  lovely bathroom and kitchen. But I don’t want to leave my neighbours behind.If I won the lottery I could get the neighbours to move as well.Love thy  neighbour  etc
And now I realise I have far too many pans despite burning several.But it’s a big decision for a woman who was  famed for entertaining friends with  scorching Beef Vindaloo and lemon mousse that  tasted like  rubber.Giving that up is a big wrench.
Why can’t you carry on, asked Annie.
Carrying on is precisely why I can’t do it.Now I am a widow the wives of my former  colleagues and  my own women friends are afraid I will steal their husbands.
Emile miaowed in ecstasy as any  talk about  the love lives of his family were always intriguing.He was hiding as usual behind  the stone flour bin.
Don’t you see,said Annie.If we pretend we are living together then you can mingle with men without suspicion.
This is beginning to sound like a spy story,Mary told her.And do not drag me into  a character part  in the play  based on your romantic love for that psychoanalyst.
He looks ugly and boring to me.
Oh,that’s just a projection,Annie told her.You are defending yourself against acknowledging how much you long to lie in his arms and let him smother you in kisses.
Well,said Mary,I see you have been reading Freud for beginners again.
Or is it Freud for Dummies?
Mary recalled  how nice her dummy used to taste when it was dipped into a jar of malt and codliver oil.Maybe that is the answer,she thought.
I’m going to Mothercare,she called as  she ran out of the house in her green trainers and denim trouser suit.See you later.
Annie sat in the kitchen wondering how soon she could see the psychoanalyst again without  being accused of sexual harassment.Even   old age has not deterred her from seeking a replacement for dear old Stan.A few tears ran down her cheek and Emile  jumped out and sat on her knee.

Stan wants a chamber pot for Xmas

New cats today

Cats by Katherine

Stan was recovering from his long feverish cold and cough.He had Emile standing on his desk under the window
cleaning it with a microfibre cloth fastened to his right front paw
Very good,Emile,he said in a husky voice.I think I’ll get up and make a hot drink.I feel better now than I did and I
enjoyed the Reith lecture on the radio.Mary came into the room wearing a long dressing gown with a zip front.
Where did you get that,Stan enquired jocosely.
It was hanging behind the door, she said.I must have bought it in a sale.I get almost all my stuff in sales.It makes it more of an achievement.
Buit are they really want you want,Stan enquired.
I am happy with them because I like bright colors but most folk don’t so they end up in the sale.I just bought
some pewter shoes for £29.99 when in black they were £79.99.
Will pewter shoes not be too heavy?Stan joked.
It’s the colour dearest.It’s a good colour for when we are going out in the evening to a do.
But we never do go out nowadays .he told her sadly.
I live in my imagination,Mary responded, and so I get clothes and shoes for any possible event funerals.weddings,evening balls.
The only b*lls you see in the evening are at home ,he murmured vulgarly.
I don’t think that’s very funny,Stan,she told him.I am a woman of gentle birth even if I was born in a coal mine.
I am sorry, dearest,my mind is not right since I fell out of bed and banged my head on that heavy tin chamber pot.
That’s a flower vase,she told him honestly and directly.We no longer use chamber pots now we have an en-suite here and a cloakroom downstairs plus an outside lav tooWell,I do.Stan said.I was brought up with one and I always use one at night
That’s strange Mary told him.Where do you find them?I have never bought any,not even in the Sales.
In the kitchen,Stan said.In the cupboard
Those are my baking bowls, she said crossly.
I forbid you to use them to wee into.
Well,will you buy me one? he asked her tenderly as he stroked her curly light blonde hair just washed in Boots
Dandruff and Acne shampoo. with Rosemary and Rose Essence
Of course,darling,if it wil; make you happy.I’ll go online.I am sure they are still made though originally they were used when people had outside loos.
That can be my Xmas present,he joked,if you pay for express delivery but don’t have it gift wrapped.
Adulterous Annie their neighbour came in.She wore a grass green trouser suit and pink calf high boots.Underneath she had spanx hip and thigh control pantees and a blue lace bra which peeped out as she forgotten to put a blouse or jumper on despite the cold weather.
What is that, in your hand,Annie ? Stan asked thoughtfully.
It’s a pewter chamber pot that we inheritied from my granny she said
Gosh,how amazing,it’s just what Stan needs,Mary informed her.He’s been using a vase..
That is very naughty,Annie told him.You should know better
NaughtyThat’s strange word to use.I am a man.I can do what I want.You’ll see.
But can you want what you do,Mary asked like an Oxford don on low dose speed.
I can if I choose to ,he said.
So do you believe in will power? Annie asked curiously.Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t, he replied ambiguously which was one of his defense mechanisms when he was with very clever women.
I see,you twist the world around your little finger.
That’s a strange parallel,Stan told her.But parallel lines on the earth’s surface do meet at the Poles which proves
that Euclidean geometry is not the only sort possible.
Why is that?Annie asked,though she had no idea what he was talking about
Because one of Euclid’s axioms is that parallel lines never meet .
It sounds a bit like men and women nowadays,Stan said thoughtfully.We will only meet if we go up the pole
I wonder what the origin of that phrase is,Mary said curiously.It’s a strange world.
Meanwhile Emile finished the window and was polishing the dressing table mirror.What luck for Mary and Stan
that Emile loves microfibre and Windolene.Next they are hoping to buy him tiny vacuum cleaner… that would
help to gather up all the dust from the floor and let Mary get on with her book
Mirrors and the development of the child’s theory of integers and meta-language as hypothesised by
Jack Lacant. Part 2z

A polyester jump suit for Mary?

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Mary sat in her dining room listening to Sir Michael Atiyah on the Today programme where he was talking about very advanced Group Theory
.Many years ago she had known this great man, though he had scarcely noticed her despite her big blue eyes and skinny legs displayed beneath her home made mini-dress.That was very fortunate as she was there as a tutor not as a marriage breaker.Why her mother had supplied her with such mini  dresses, she had often wondered,
Going online, she saw a sale on at Welvi, the store for larger ladies.There was an orange culotte jumpsuit made of polyester for £10
Look at this, she called to her friend Annie.A real bargain in my view.
Well, said Annie, suppose you were in the country climbing a hill and you needed to have a wee.
I never thought of that, Mary said shyly.
Moreover polyester is too clammy for summer and not warm enough for winter, besides it looks transparent.I don’t think  Stan would like it.
Well, he’s not here now, said Mary sadly.And transparent plastic trousers are in fashion.Do you wear plastic knickers underneath?
No, you’d have to wear a jewelled thong, said Annie.I bet that would make men look at you.Well, not your face…
I’ve never worn a thong.Do they hurt, asked Mary politely.
Yes, I’ve got one on now, said Annie nervously.It’s really hurting me.I’d better ring 999 and ask Dave the paramedic to advise me
Hi called Dave, what is wrong today?
Annie is in pain from a thong, Mary  cried
I’ll be round in 2 minutes
Dave ran up the hall into the bijou kitchen
Where is   the thong ,he asked gently
Where do you think,  Annie shouted?
She lifted up her chambray skirt and showed him her pink lace knicker substitute.
Can you take it off, he asked tenderly?
I have run out of clean knickers, she informed him scientifically.
Well in the past women wore cotton petticoats  but no knickers.It was more healthy.But with short thin  skirts if you fell over all the world would see your mound of Venus
That’s an exaggeration, Annie said.All the world is not looking at me
Ah, but someone could have a video camera and you might be on the News.You’d better go to Marks and buy some more proper knickers.
Now, shall I make you a cup of tea?The NHS is here to care for you.As you know
Lovely, cried Mary.Annie go upstairs and take my knickers and put that thong in the laundry basket.I will wash it for you and you can hang it in your bathroom to give an impression of your taste to visitors.On the other hand, men would be disappointed to see you really wore cotton high waisted pants and not a sort of mini star spangled banner.
All right, said Annie but Stan would have liked them
I like them, mewed Emile.I love you, Annie.I wish I were a man,I would go to bed with you right now.I have got a French letter from Soraya.She’e been in Paris and wrote to me on real paper.
Wow, a cat using the subjunctive and reading French letters said Mary.That is a surprise.
I don’téven know what  subjunctive  is, screamed Annie rudely
And so say all of us

ecg

Cakes and fuzzy logic

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Mary had made a Christmas cake with marzipan but no white sugar icing.Stan was diabetic so she had opted for a middle way.Like some Zen Buddhists.You don’t either cut it completely nor have a 6-inch layer of icing.No, you find a middle way.Like 5 inches of icing!
Mary like almonds so she went for marzipan with her home ground almonds and some sugar.The raw egg part was worrying but so far nobody had died after eating her cake.Still  if you are dying, enjoy the cake while you can!
Annie arrived for a cup of coffee.
Wow, that cake is large.You will get fat if you eat it
I am not planning to eat it all myself, Mary said merrily.
In fact, if I could find a way of cutting an infinitesimally small piece I could have one every day forever.
Would the cake not shrink  ?asked Annie with a puzzled smile
No, because a real number times an infinitesimal is itself infinitesimal Mary answered.
So it must be zero, Annie decided.
No, said Mary.All of the calculus is based on the idea that they are not zero.Then, at the end, we pretend they are zero and cross them out.It’s like magic or sleight of hand
I thought maths was logic, Annie said in an angry voice, tossing her purple hair over her shoulder.Alas it was a wig so it fell off and Emile  the littl cat, bit it!
Gosh, Annie why are you wearing a wig? Mary asked.
I am involved with a Jewish man so he won’t make love unless I wear a wig.
Surely if he is  Orthodox he should not sleep with you unless you get married.
We can’t get married, Annie said boldly.
Why not?
He is already married….Annie muttered
Well, that seems wrong.
What, being married?
No having an affair.I know Stan is old.Can’t  you find a  single man?
Women can’t go running after men.Men enjoy the chase.They despise women who run after them.
Well, can’t you ask them if they are married?
No, it seems too cheeky, Annie smiled.Anyway, in fuzzy logic you are not either married or single.You are  married to the extent  of some decimal number in between 0  and 1
Some folk are 0.999 married and some are 0.34 married.Others 0.1
But who measures it? God ? It’s not much use.
You have to guess, said Annie.I like Jewish men
How many do you know, Mary asked.
Three, said Annie triumphantly.
You can’t generalise from three, Mary said.
If I test a larger sample I shall never get to find one till I am 99, Annie wept.
Think of the fun, though, Mary said teasingly.And you’d have to travel a  lot as many live in the USA, France and other places including Israel.How do you fancy Bibi Netanyahu?He is married actually!
Annie was silent, then burst out: life is not science nor technology.It’s an art like watercolour painting.Why do you call him Bibi? Do you know him?
Not biblically, Mary said humorously.I’ve never even met him.He’s just   been in the News because of Trumpelstiltschein
Does Bibi know Donald is half German?
No, but the Queen is too.
Where does that take us logically?
Off to Boots to buy some expensive makeup and then to have a manicure and tea in a cafe
If only politicians did this life would be much easier and kinder.
And so say all of us!

I’ll deceive you whenever you wish.

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Please set alight as  soon as your pen is working  and you find the japer

Be Misrael in a Blair Tee.

Don’t keep me banging on like this, whenever, I am ad hoc again.

Do I talk too Dutch?Please shell me.

My, the Samaritans have back up.TheWaqf.

Am I too tight for you? It’s my brains.

Are you still bare? I am.

Are you overcrafted? No aitch.

The Open University offered me a tub once.

Are you still arrive yet? Me neither.

I was a very intelligent dunce.So follow my selections.

I used to teach wrath at Oxford when I was a splongeur.

Does my sign put you down? I am sorry, fate.

I am missing you so dutch.Why won’t you perceive me?

I’ll deceive you whenever you wish.

Do sponsor my phone balls, please.

My electricity is surprising

I paid a huge bill, last streak.

They keep frisking me; I am pure.Well,sort if.

Why is money so cunning?

I have forgotten my PIN  jumbles again for all my credit yards.Am  I in a bauble now?

I am sorry. I  got married away.Twice.

Where will it haul wend…?

Was sin ever original?

Nobody believes in sin any bore.It’s  No, Satan

Who relieves God?

Come to the Tempus with me,fugit?

Stan and Mary peer through windows.

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After dinner Mary and Stan  often went for a longish walk.They liked to go to a road where the richer people  of Britain lived.,where there were some Georgian houses and one Tudor house.
At dusk they would stroll by looking into the lighted windows to see how the rooms were decorated.And if the front garden was large sometimes they crept in to see more
One beautiful  house they liked from the outside was spoiled for Mary by the garish tartan wall paper.
What sort of people would live there, she asked Emile who was in her handbag.with his head peeping out
Well,they have a cat called Percy,he mewed softly.
Why Percy?It is a noble name from the British past of course,she answered…
Earls of Percy were involved in affairs of state.
Well.Percy is Chinese,Emile said to her wittily.
He ought to be called Hu Ar U then,Mary joked ,or tried to as her sense of humor was somewhat lacking or maybe just odd.Still she looked lovely despite her moth eaten clothes bought in Sales in colors nobody else wanted like purple and lilac and bottle green.
She and Stan crept slowly up the garden path and peered  nervously into the empty sitting room trying to identify the paintings on the walls.
All of a sudden, a woman who was completely naked came into the room and lay modishly on a sofa as if she were a trained  dancer.She was a sight for sore male eyes.
Are they about to have a drawing class,Stan whispered.
She must be a model for a Life Class or an abstract woman ,with cat ,if Percy gets into the frame,Mary mused
Percy might scratch her then.Stan muttered.She could scream.
Suddenly a loud voice was booming at them.
What the hell are you doing in my garden?
There stood a big man in plus fours and and an oversized red jumper with matching cheeks
We were admiring your wall paper,Mary said.I think it is very unusual.
He smiled in gratification.
I chose it,he cried.All by my self.
But why is there a nude lady on the sofa,Stan enquired.
I am so annoyed, the man told them.My fiancee likes to walk around nude but she forgets to draw the curtains first.
Does she want to make an exhibition of herself,Stan enquired hopefully.
We wondered if it was for a life class, you know,students learning to draw and become artists of note.
Well,that’s a good idea said Arthur thoughtfully.
The woman got up and came over.She opened the wondow.To their astonishment she was Annie,their neighbour and Stan’s mistress too.Stan might have known but he had kept his face immobile after years of practise.
Fancy seeing you here,Annie whispered creatively in her sweet little voice
I am trying to seduce Arthur but with no success so far  except a marriage proposal.
You need to be more discreet and indirect, said Stan.
If you act like this he will think you are an artist’s model and likely to be featured in the Tate Modern Annual Show of Infamy .Now, would a man like this marry or even sleep with such a woman as you appear to be walking around like Eve before she ate the apple?
I don’t know said Annie but my clothes are all in the tumble dryer,anyhow.
Did you wet yourself? Mary asked her kindly.It’s nothing to be ashamed of.We all do it now and then especially since public conveniences were shut down across the UK.And now ,even coats are machine washable.
Well,I knocked over some lemon barley water in a big jug and so I decided to wash all my clothes. while I was here as Arthur as a tumble dryer
That’s a  very strange tale Arthur told her.You look ravishing hanging out of the window with your nipples pointing up.Let me take a photo of
you.Say,Cheese
But will you put it on Twitter,Annie asked anxiously.
No,dear.I am not so cruel.Why don’t you get your clothes and make us all some tea .
I can’t make tea,she yelled and without pausing she dialled 999.
What is it Fire or Ambulance the lady receptionist asked politely?
It’s a kettle.
Is it on fire?
No ,it won’t boil.Can you send Dave the paramedic,please, as he makes good
please, as he makes good tea.
We are quite busy so it may be two hours or more she was told.
I thought this was an emergency service, Annie said.
But who defines what an emergency is? the lady asked her philosophically.
I will die without this tea, Annie informed her in a  ringing tone
Ok , hang up and I will send the ambulance now.
Arthur seemed a little surprised
I have private medical insurance,he cried.But they don’t make tea not even for old people.
Well,in the UK tea has always been   essential to the  National  Health
But it will soon be drying up and we shall get flasks from the dustmen on Sundays instead.
I just don’t believe it, Arthur said and he then passed out on the rug which stood in front of a bookcase full of leather bound volumes of poetry.
Will he  live?Read more tomorrow and pay the price… a few minutes of fun and gaiety.

I don’t even know where adultery is

funnydots
 Adultery,  abstract art by Kate

Mary was sitting at her desk trying to decide whether to throw out a book called Schrodinger ‘s equation for idiots.The title had more than one meaning, she thought to herself.
I think that is for the recycling bin, she told her cat, Emile.What a pity you can’t read.You could have read it.
I don’t want to read stuff like that.I only like Dad’s cartoon books.
Where are they, Mary asked him, her eyes shining like melting Danish butter on a hot croissant?
They are in that plastic box in the kitchen, Emile told her.I read them at night.
How can you read if there is no light?Please don’t start sinning as I don’t want you to have to become a Catholic.
I can’t become a Catholic, said Emile.I am Jewish.
Well, St Paul was Jewish, Mary told him.Until he had an epileptic fit .
So having a fit can make you a Christian.That is very strange, the black cat told her with a twinkle in his eyes
Well, it’s not automatic, Mary replied.You have to pay.
What, pay  to become a Christian, I don’t believe Jesus would like that.
Well , he may be quite indulgent, sometimes Mary giggled.However, the Vatican and its wealth might not be quite what he was thinking of when he gave the Sermon on the Mount.
What sort of mount was it , Emile enquired.Was it a horse?
No, it was  more likely to  have been a donkey  as he was poor, you know
But he had things money can’t buy, the cat said philosophically.Like women who poured oil over his feet.What sort was it,?Was it like  that stuff Stan put in the car engine sometimes?
Don’t be so ridiculous.It was olive oil, Mary told him
Can we prove that, Emile murmured? His feet were no salad
No, I am using inductive reasoningMary stated logically.Olive trees are grown in that part of the world even now.
What is inductive reasoning, Emile mewed
Why it’s the opposite of deductive reasoning, of course, Mary stated flatly
I am glad I can’t read, Emile said.It’s bad for you to have to learn all of that.It was ok for the ancient Greeks.They had no televisions.I’d rather watch Andrea Bocelli and Hayley Westenra singing Vivo per lei.Whatever that means.She is from New Zealand  by the way.
What difference does that make Mary teased him?
No need to be rude, Emile cried.I was only passing a remark
That was what Stan’s mother used to say when  he told her off for saying my maple mousse was like something out of a tin.
Where was it from?
The Joy of Cookery. a big American cook book or maybe Jewish Cookery by Florence Greenberg or Marks and Spencers
Did you get that  book because I am Jewish, Emile purred?
No, I didn’t even know you were.How did it happen?
My mother was living with a Rabbi in Liverpool and he told her she could not  miaow on the Sabbath so she kind of assumed she was Jewish.As for my father.. nobody knows.
Emile, don’t start saying you are the Messiah.I have enough trouble already.I don’t want you to be  walking on water and helping women taken in adultery
I was not me who took them, said Emile.I don’t even know where Adultery is.
I think I’ll ring 999.We need help before we go mad.
Sometimes going mad seems the better option, Mary said sadly.A few  voices telling me what to do might be helpful
As long as they are not Michael Grove and Horace Watson, Emile replied. As for Freezer May……
And so say all of us

As if she will ever buy new clothes!

Chick pea pie and cats for the lively - Glimpses between the cracks:Alice's Looking Glass

Old sketch by me
As the start of the academic year approached, Dr. Rosa Benchez realised she was very behind with her wonderful list of plans.She intended to buy a new wardrobe and studied various treatises such as
Plan your perfect capsule for all possible occasions”
On the face of it, judging by the people in the shopping centre and the doctor’s waiting room most of Britain had already done that.
Skin tight short legged jeans from Tesco’s or Artigiano combined with varied T-shirts, sweatshirts or pyjama jackets, all worn with trainers and old knackered socks seemed to be thought ideal for almost every part of life.
In fact, some young women wore what looked like tights with no skirt on top as if to assert the rights of the vulva to be acknowledged wherever it might be, except in bed.
However, in some workplaces, people were expected to look slightly better dressed or  more creatively dressed if they worked for Advertising Agencies
Rosa had  won some money on the lottery and decided to spend it on  her clothes/
Here, look at this she said to Annie, once the mistress of Stan her neighbour, but now working for MI 7 training spies
What is it? Annie muttered nastily
It’s a blog about building a capsule wardrobe
Why can’t you decide for yourself, Annie asked cheekily?
I have never bought new clothes before except underwear. skinI am unsure about it
Thank the Lord for that!Second-hand underwear!More hot hand underwear would suit me.
I think that is blasphemy, Rosa told her boldly.
Don’t be ridiculous.Surely G-d must have a sense of humour, Annie cried
But what exactly is a sense of humour? I could laugh out loud seeing Trump shoving other politicians out of his way, but it’s a mournful kind of laughter, Rosa admitted.
Well, would G-d make jokes, Annie asked mutinously?
He made Donald Trump, Rosa teased her amiably
I  am sure DT would be ok if he were in a  different job.Quite what I cannot imagine.Selling rubbish to fools? Rosa mumbled.
Anyway, we have wandered off the path of righteousness.What clothes shall I buy?
How about five cashmere sweaters and five cashmere skirts and five pairs of beautiful flat shoes?
Then two pairs of skin-tight blue jeans and four skin tight T-shirts with logos or slogans on the front, like

Donkeys  bray with Theresa May
Hey, let’s pray for Madam May
Jeremy Corbyn, I  find he’s calming
I am a socialist.I  like to be kissed
B B Netanyahu, what on earth’s he gonna do?
Saudi Arabia, I’ll take euthanasia
The Sinai dessert makes women flirt
Palestinian olive oil  makes my onions boil
Cross over the Jordan, what is your poison?
Vote  for the Lib Dems, I’m a gentle old man
Bless me, Father.I have sinned, rather.
It is 10 minutes since my last Confession
Where is the nearest Catholic church? Thank you
I suffer from scruples, where are the loopholes?
I  ruminate daily, I’m the most perfect failure
We’re all here for a reason.Logic is treason
Theresa May but she will pay.
Theresa Might see the Light… do not wait for it will affright
If you are willing, I’d like a new filling
My dentist is a good.She pays me for my blood.
Free self-esteem now
I am a here now

I think we’d better have a nice cup of tea now , Rosa shouted.I’ll get my clothes in the Oxfam Shop
Emile purred as he liked Charity Shops where the staff were so kind to animals.Wy there where such shops devoting their entire profits to helping homeless cats.Who could ask for more?
And you’ll need a coat, cried Annie.And a mac! I’ll take you shopping.

 

 

 

Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear, he murmured.

Image

And here are Pandora’s socks, Professor Smith, quipped,as the female student in the front row fell asleep whilst sitting upright in a large armchair.
And I also have Achilles’ heel here.
Now for your project, I want you all to say Three Hail Mary’s.
A large bee stung my ass and I awoke and coughed up my soul onto the bed.
Get back inside, I cried.Keep me whole,give me oil,keep me churning.
Alright ,it muttered calmly.Don’t lose your head.
I have it well screwed on, I responded.
This is a surprise to see you.
Well, since Pandora lost her socks all the souls have been getting loose from their bodies.Women…why do they lose their socks so much?
After that,the doctor called.
Hi, he screamed.
For God’s sake, don’t do that, I shouted
I’m not dead you know..even though my blood pressure is zero.He smiled and handed me a blood sugar monitor.
Here you are,this will cure your pneumonia.
What about my new mania?
What is that?
I am interested in spirals…
Keep it under control.
The whole point of mania is to be out of control
Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear, he murmured.
What a clever idea, I told him.Goodbye
I swallowed the test kit and it cured the pneumonia immediately
That’s it ,folk

Thus God cried out and topped the EU chart

A peaceful solitude can be a joy.
A softer breath, a slower beat of heart.
While our minds are happy unemployed.

As it was for growing girl or boy
Before the throes of adolescence start
A peaceful solitude can be a joy.

When puberty arrives it is no toy
As, from our families, we soon will part
Though our minds are happy unemployed.

We do not wonder what our life is for
Or try to write a CV super smart
A peaceful solitude, remembered  joy.

Tormented  people can be a great bore
Unless we love them fully from the heart
Their minds are never happy unemployed.

I wonder who knocked down the apple cart
Thus God  cried out and  topped the EU  chart
A peaceful solitude can be a joy.
When our minds with God are unemployed.

Why not have a bath?

 

DSC00078Emile loved the new purple bath that his owner and father Stan had just installed and longed to bathe in it.He indicated as much to Stan but Stan was not convinced.
“It’s rather large, Emile.And you can’t swim.”
So Emile , always adaptable, asked if he could have a bath in a bowl of warm water as a trial run.
Stan got a spare plastic bowl and filled it with warm water and some lavender bath salts. Emile climbed in cautiously.Cats don’t like to get wet usually but Emile was always happy to have a go.He stood in the water which came up to his chest.”Can you lie down?” Stan asked him.
“It’s too deep” Emile replied.So Stan took out some of the water with a jug and Emile lay on his back with his muzzle projecting from the water and his large amber eyes closed.The water began to turn grey.”This is relaxing”Emile miaowed

.”I think therefore I am.”
That’s Descartes.” murmured Stan
.”Fortune favours the brave” miaowed Emile
That’s better” said Stan.”I love Pascal.”
“My goodness thought Emile, this man is woman crazy.Now he wants Pascale as well as Annie and Mary and he’s 98.Will he ever stop?
So to prevent further thought, Emile leapt out of the bowl and onto a large soft towel Stan had put beside it.As Stan dried him Emile purred rapturously.
“Would you like a blow-dry?” Stan inquired humorously.
“Not tonight Stanley, enough is as good as a feast!”
Stan emptied the bowl down the sink.
“My sainted aunt, look at this dirt and to think that cat’s been sleeping with me for 17 years.”
Stan wants to get Emile some swimming lessons.He’ll have to look on google or yahoo to see what’s available.
Meanwhile, he goes downstairs to make supper for Mary and himself.Fried corned beef in batter with suet dumplings and sauteed potatoes followed by apple crumble and clotted cream.Just what the doctor ordered! Stan’s doctor is rather odd.He thinks fat is good for us.

Harris or Paris

Mary was at the dentist’s wearing her sea blue lightly padded coat and a pair of red boots.She looked down at herself and wondered why she had stopped wearing dull, dark clothing.She sat languidly in the waiting room sipping water from a machine nearby.
Suddenly the TV on the wall showed a picture of the Prime Minister holding Donald Trump’s hand
Are they getting married, Mary wondered?
Theresa May stepped forward and said, My husband and I …. oh, sorry.I am calling a Genital Erection in June.
A man rushed forward and took Mrs May away before the News Reader informed the world that A General Election was to be held in June but the PM would not be debating about anything live on TV.
Thank God, for that Mary thought.Although she might say a few rude and thrilling words befoe being carried out;it would be less boring.After the Referendum most Britons were fed up with politics and all the arguments.
Mary said to the nurse: It would be my husband’s birthday tomorrow but he died two years ago.
The door had been opened and the doctor’s head receptionist was rushing in
It is not two years, she shouted at Mary.My husband died before yours.
I didn’t realise you wanted me to say it is one year 10 months and two weeks plus a few hours and minutes since he died, Mary informed her gently..She opened her green leather briefcase and took out a tape recorder
.Would you like to say it again, she continued.And maybe explain why it matters to you.After all it is not a competition.We might have shared our feelings and our sorrow instead of arguing.
Emile Mary’s cat came into the room followed by Annie her late husband’s mistress.
Why are you here?
Emile had a  premonition that someone might be rude to you and  he has sharpened his claws.As I have.
Indeed Annie’s nails were painted red and filed into  sharp points almost like a cat’s.
Well, this lady has been shouting at me but I don’t understand why she is angry that I had not calculated the number of minutes it is since Stan died.The receptionist looked very sad and rushed away.
Maybe she has nobody to talk to, Emile miaowed.She needs a cat but I am not moving to her house.I love where I am
Thank you , Emile, Annie said.Tears had come to her eyes thinking of the two widows confronting each other instead of comforting.Her green eyeshadow and eye cream ran at an acute angle down her cheeks as her head was on one side.
It was so beautiful, Mary took a photo of Annie with her Windows phone.
Where is that pink and green  mascara from, she asked
It is by Leibnitz and Newton of  Bury St Edmunds and Harris.
What, live nits ? Emile purred,
It’s German, Annie said.Is it “love not”?
Do they really make it in Harris? I don’t mean love I mean make up
Yes, it’s that green stuff that grows on rocks on the seashore.
Yes, the rocks can’t  roll so they do gather moss.
Can’t you get moss at home?
Maybe, but I like the chemist.He looks like Leonard Cohen.I loved him, you know
I am so sad he has died but he would not like the USA nowadays.He might get pushed off an aeroplane and have his nose broken.It’s a risk going over there now.Seems the cats are out of all the bags nowadays.
And so say all of us

Mary buys a dummy

 

New cats today

While Mary sat in the kitchen on a large pine chair looking at Hotter’s  latest shoe catalogue,Annie was creeping up the garden path in a pair of turquoise suede elegantly heeled shoes matching her teal tencel culottes and matching blouse.Round her neck was a large lump of amber on a gold chain handy for beating off muggers or lustful men
Despite the heat she was in full splendour with  golden beige tinted moisturiser from Langone of Lyons on her lovely complexion,pink eyeshadow  from Yves St Current and dark brown boot polish as  her mascara had run out and she’d not been out for a while to buy more
Annie ran the last few yards and darted like an eel into Mary’s 1970’s  kitchen.
What on earth are you doing,dear? Mary asked her.Those shoes look unsuitable for  leading anyone up the garden path.Mind you,I do like them
Oh,I’ll explain,Annie said huskily.
I told  that therapist across the road I was  living with you.
What exactly do you mean by living,Mary asked anxiously.
Well,he said yesterday that anyone who lives alone must be lacking in some way.Except for him of course as he had full  analysis with Alfred Zion.
You mean Wilfred Bion,Mary told her.
Zion,Bion,what’s the difference?
It shows your  lack of education,Mary told her.Not that education nowadays makes much difference when almost anyone can get a 1st or 2.1.After all would you pay £90,000 for a third class degree in Aeronautical Engineering?
That’s not quite what I would have done, said Annie.A degree in flirtation and pleasing men would be more up my street.And cooking of course although I once did have an interest in Hebrew and Aramaic.
It’s not a way to progress in  a neo-liberal economy,although reading the Hebrew Bible is always interesting.Personally I  prefer  that to the New Vex-a man.The stories,the love songs,the action.Mary’s round eyes gleamed with intellectual life and a bit of  languorous lust
How about God? Annie asked her.
He seems to have changed as he related to his people.But he was a friend despite being an abstract concept.Though one could hardly call him a concept as he is inconceivable.
Mary’s voice faltered as  she was stunned by her own articulacy and wondered what she might say next that could offend millions around the globe.
You should write a book,Annie said kindly.
I think I am ill-equipped to write about God.And ,also ,I am saddened to see how his  own people  have been treated.I can’t dwell on  it over much as I already feel weak and weepy.
Why what have you  been doing,asked Annie.
I have been sorting out clothes to  give to the hospice shop. I’ve got a big bag
full already and  2 bags of newspapers and rubbish of various kinds which somehow creeps into my bedroom…  tissues,cotton wool, old hairbrushes.I am hoping to get it nice and neat before my sister comes to see me in August.And no doubt she will not be happy even then.She’d like me to buy a  small new house with a  lovely bathroom and kitchen. But I don’t want to leave my neighbours behind.If I won the lottery I could get the neighbours to move as well.Love thy  neighbour  etc
And now I realise I have far too many pans despite burning several.But it’s a big decision for a woman who was  famed for entertaining friends with  scorching Beef Vindaloo and lemon mousse that  tasted like  rubber.Giving that up is a big wrench.
Why can’t you carry on, asked Annie.
Carrying on is precisely why I can’t do it.Now I am a widow the wives of my former  colleagues and  my own women friends are afraid I will steal their husbands.
Emile miaowed in ecstasy as any  talk about  the love lives of his family were always intriguing.He was hiding as usual behind  the stone flour bin.
Don’t you see,said Annie.If we pretend we are living together then you can mingle with men without suspicion.
This is beginning to sound like a spy story,Mary told her.And do not drag me into  a character part  in the play  based on your romantic love for that psychoanalyst.
He looks ugly and boring to me.
Oh,that’s just a projection,Annie told her.You are defending yourself against acknowledging how much you long to lie in his arms and let him smother you in kisses.
Well,said Mary,I see you have been reading Freud for beginners again.
Or is it Freud for Dummies?
Mary recalled  how nice her dummy used to taste when it was dipped into a jar of malt and codliver oil.Maybe that is the answer,she thought.
I’m going to Mothercare,she called as  she ran out of the house in her green trainers and denim trouser suit.See you later.
Annie sat in the kitchen wondering how soon she could see the psychoanalyst again without  being accused of sexual harassment.Even   old age has not deterred her from seeking a replacement for dear old Stan.A few tears ran down her cheek and Emile  jumped out and sat on her knee.

Human chaos

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Rosa Benchez was standing in the hall  of her deluxe modern semi holding a bag of potatoes in one hand and the  snail mail in the other.Someone was knocking on the door.Rosa put the potatoes down on the bureau next to three broken  clocks and  some pink gloves.She got her camera out as she opened the door as she had a plan.
What is all this stuff doing here? asked her neighbour Rosamund Pilchard
I am doing  photographs of people’s homes and the meaning of such images  and I am starting  with this as an expression of  the loss  I have sufferedsince Charlie Blogge threw me over.Human chaos I might call it.She recalled burning the engagementt ring
She added  a banana to the heap and took several shots with her Kodak Bridge canera
What can I do for you? she asked
Do you know how to make trifle,Rosamund demanded
Yes, but you can buy it  in Waitrose
I  have got this man coming tomorrow from Soulmates.I want to make an impression.I know men used to buy women meals but now it’s different
Did you meet him in  the coffee shop?I saw you there with a strangely handsome  man last week.I liked the look of him
Well. they say don’t let them have your address but as he says he is an MP it should be ok
Is he  really an MP,asked Rosa?You are very  naive,you know
He may be one of those Euro MPs. That  Nigel Farage is.Not that I would date him
I am surprised he’s not met some gorgeous lady  already  over thre.Though you are very beautiful,dear girl.Brussels is very intriguing.Here,take this glass dish.I can email  you the recipe.
What I was thinking was.:will you ring the bell at 8.30 pm tomorrow and pretend you need an egg or some sugar.Then you can meet Saul and tell me what you think of him.Not then but later…
I am no expert on men,Rosa gurgled.I just made a big mistake with Charlie Blogge.I met him!He was ok online but in real life  he is mean and selfish.He only wanted one thing. and it was not sexual love.
Perhaps he hoped you would change him for the better? Rosamund whispered softly
Why can’t he change himself?
If you have a few friends you trust you can ask them for any criticisms they have of you but you can’t  do it with a boyfriend as it is a delicate task to choose the  right moment to say:
I’d rather live with  a gay man  who wears orange velvet trousers and dyes his hair green than with a selfish pig like you.Sex is not the most important thing in the world.Love is my priority
Rosamund was amazed.
I read in the Guardian than a woman of 87 in a Care Home asked for a vibrator.I suppose it’s better than having sex with a horrible man, she mused thoughtlessly
Do you think so? Rosa asked It’s completely different  than having someone there gazing into your eyes and wrapping their arms round you and calling you by a pet name.But I suppose it passes the time when you are stuck in  a Home.It’s exercise of course, as well.
Nowadays  there’s less love and kindness and more sexual experiments said her neighbour.
They are not real experiments as those have to be repeatable and independent  of the observer,Rosa murmured
Why bring in the Observer?  Rosamund asked.What about the Express or the Telegraph
Well,it’s immaterial as  it would not be the same making love while  bein abserved,Rosa told her.Some people might freeze up.Some may enjoy it
They gazed onto the garden where two cats were having  fun on the lawn
Shall we have a cup of tea and some Xmas cake?
The teapot was lying on the floor where Rosa had kicked it when she got up to vent her rage at life.She picked  it up and washed it tenderly
They sat in the lemon painted  room thinking about all the  men they had known and sometimes loved
Will we ever find someone  else suitable? Rosa asked.I sometimes wish I was gay as then we’d have more to talk about with another woman.But I don’t fancy it somehow.There is something missing.
I know what you mean,Rosamund giggled
I didn’t   mean that, it is just  a man is different.Greedy.lazy and can’t use a carpet sweeper as he cannot find the switch.It’s interesting to toy with them and play with their Meccano.
It certainly is.Or persuade them dolls are more fun that engineering
And so say all of us

Stan decides to do some baking.

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The larder was empty
the cupboard was bare
he looked inside the cake tin
but  nothing was there there
Stan had flour,eggs and sugar and of course milk and butter.Emile was under the table waiting for something to drip out of the bowl!He loved baking days.
Stan had bought a load of blackberries in the market so he was thinkin of blackberry tarts,blackberry crumble..
He picked up the bag which seemed very heavy.Putting his hand in …..he pulled out a Blackberry!
He went to the market
to buy me some fruit
and now he’s got Blackberries
he’s going to shoot!
Annie his next door neighbour was coming to the back door.
”What’s up ,Petal?”
“Oh,dear.I seem to have made a category error.”Stan answered philosophically.
”Well what category would you put me into?” she asked petulantly.
“Why are you so egocentric ?Not everything is about you!”He said fluently.
“Well if I’m narcissistic it’s because my infant grandiosity was ruptured too suddenly and I was not held and contained in a suitable manner.”
“You’ve been reading that Wilfred Bion again.” Stan said admiringly.
”No,not just him.It’s some American chap as well .Would you like to read it?”
“No,thanks,I’m finding Julia Segal is more than enough for me.I find Bion is a bit too mystical.I don’t think I can approach you without memory or desire.To be honest,without memory or desire I wouldn’t want to approach you.”
“Wow ” she said stupidly,her large green eyes staring avidly upon him inviting him to fall into their salty sea like depths.
“Shall I ring 999?I can’t think of anything to say.I’m lost for words.”
“Perhaps you have reached that mystical spot beneath language mostly only known to babies,the mad, or meditators?”
“Well,I do feel a bit of madness today.”
“Is that why you have purple and orange eyehadow on clashing with your alarazin crimson lipstick and your light beige, but not too light, foundation by Lancome of Brixton and Blackheath,Paris,Rome,and London?”
“I suppose so.” she replied indifferently.I feel as if I’m behind a glass wall.”
“Oh,don’t worry.That’s the new window!” Stan explained courteously.
”You really are behind a glass wall.You’ve been reading  about schizoid processes again on Yahoo,”
“Yes,” she admitted her face blushing violently.”It’s those new people who’ve moved in across the road.They are both psychoanalysts so I wanted to feel up to their level of knowledge.”
“I didn’t know they were psychoanalysts.How did you find out?”
“Well,first of all,there were two large sofas, and then hundreds of knitting needles and a lorry-ful of wool.And I thought,”Hello,hello,It must be one of Anna Freud‘s followers.”
“So have you met them?” he asked laconically?
“Yes”,she confessed animatedly .I went over and said,
“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”
“And what did he say?”
“Are you all mad round here?”
“So I thought,”You’re not getting hold of me that easily.””
“So I said “I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m  an admirer of Melanie Klein,”
“Oh,how did they react to that?”Stan quizzzed her jovially.
“He was so rude.He said,
”Are you telling me you’re a lesbian as well as a lunatic?”
“Oh,dear.No wonder your make up is all running off your face and disappearing down your cleavage.Why don’t you pop upstairs and have a bath?”
“Well it’s either that or ringing 999.My self is totally divided.”
“Into equal parts?”
“I can’t say” she murmured.
”Oh,well” said Stan “you sit there with Emile and I shall make a Victoria sponge and a lemon drizzle cake without the lemon…I’ve only got bananas and they don’t drizzle.
“Why not adapt to reality and make a banana loaf?”
“Is that wise?” Stan enquired.
”Wise or not,it seems to make sense.” she whispered coyly.
”Get a move on or Mary will be back on her Raleigh shopper bicycle and there’ll be no cake for tea.
”Thank you,honey.”Stan replied.
“I am filled with memory and desire.””And quite right too,”mioawed Emile from his basket.”I’m like that every night!””And so are all of us,”Annie twittered on one of Stan’s blackberries.

Stan polishes the step

 

Stan was outside polishing the brass doorstep.”My, these microfibre cloths are wonderful” he thought.Mary was out taking a load of stuff to the Oxfam Shop.Suddenly he heard a loud cry., then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head.
”Eeh, no rest for the wicked, even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his knees.”Just give me a hand” , he said,”‘l have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten up so.”
“I’ll stretch them for you!” Annie whispered roguishly.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a hearty slap.
”For Pete’s sake, Annie” he shouted faintly.”Someone might see that.
””Don’t worry , there’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered.
“Oh, yes there is!”
It was Dave, the paramedic.He had been lying behind the wheelie bins, all three of them standing plaintively in the tiny front garden.
”I’m an MI5 spy, and I’ve been reading your blog, Mr Brown.”
“I’m not called Brown” , said Stan nerdishly.
”Refuses to accept reality, “Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier,
”Jesus Christ!”, said Stan.
”Now , now, ” said Dave,”that’s not your name,
”No my name is Tan, not Brown, you’ve been reading the wrong blog!” “Stan Tan!”
Dave appeared crestfallen,
” Any chairs need mending today?”
“My what beautiful ears you have ,sweetheart,” he said to Annie,
“They look like sea shells.”
“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully.”Are you still a transvestite?” she faltered incoherently.
“No, I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Buddhist”
“How did that happen? ” demanded Stan querulously.
“Well, I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair, and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.Going forward or backwards, sideways or straight ahead, it is all part of the warp and weft of life.”” Mistakes don’t matter” he continued idly.
”Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips., coated in cherry pink lipstick by courtesy of L’oreal of Paris and New York,lip balm by Yves St Laurent, peach foundation by Lancome also of Paris,toning smokey grey mascara by Max Factor,handbag Annie’s own,deep burgundy 70 denier tights by M&S, Grey pointed ballet slippers by Bally of Switzerland.[also available in black, red and teal].Raspberry lingerie by M&S.
“As I was saying..,”
Dave dived back behind the wheelie bin.
Stan polished the brass and Annie disappeared in a puff of smoke.
It was Mary’s famous imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop.
“Don’t they make bike bells anymore?” Dave boringly wondered as he carried on reading the new life of Emily Dickinson
“A loaded gun.”
He thought it was an army training manual but, hey, mistakes don’t matter! Or do they? Read more at your

Computer woes

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I have lost the charger for my laptop.I have another one but the head is larger.Should I bore a bigger hole into the side of my laptop?What with?

Why are all the chargers different sizes?

Some  software I downloaded won’t let me type cr*p.That’s why I can’t post much
I feel p*ssed off.Still it doesn’t know what feck means in Irish!

My boyfriend stole my other laptop and sold it to buy food.Is this a sin?He did share the food but why won’t he get a job and earn a wage?He is 98 but if he really tried he could find some kind of work like feeding ducks or taming wild cats.

Can I download the Internet  onto an external  hard drive and then hide it to stop Trump Tweeting?Where is it and why?

Can an angel change her name?

  • Dotty cats
  • Stan had eaten too much pizza because he was extremely ravenous from doing the washing. and hanging it up on the mulberry tree in his long garden Now he felt lazy and haphazardly fey and other worldly and liable to have visions..Now and then he saw an angel whom he called Yael in his home.But having looked up Yael on a website he realised she was not a very nice woman unlike his dear wife Mary.So he was planning a new name for the angel with her permissiom
  • Do you mind if I change your name,he enquired gently when Yael came in through the French window.
    Well,what to? Yael asked him familiarly
    How about Ysabel? Stan offered.It’s got just an extra b and s.
    Or how about,Sybael?
    You seem fond of b and s, the angel answered in confusion.
    It was just mere chance,said Stan somewhat defensively.
    Ok I’ll take Sybael,the angel said loudly .
    I want to change my name too, said Emile the cat of Stan.
    How about Mebiles or Melibes or Eimbles….
    I don’t know, pouted the cat haughtily.
    How about Semile,said Stan.Though it has no letter b in it, he bragged.
    They all pondered quietly as the sun shone in through the window and made a lovely lacy pattern on the wall.
    In came Mary,Stan’s sweet old wife and his computer aided extension too.
    You are very quiet,she murmured.What’s going on here ?
    We are tring to find a new name for Emile,Stan told her as Sybael waved her wings about.
    It seems very draughty in here,Mary said.And Emile can’t change his name because it will change his personality.
    I didn’t know I had a personality,the little cat purred.
    It is what is most characteristic of you.For example, if you always hurt those you love then you have a cruel personality or you have got diabetes.Some people want love but they are too harsh and demanding.
    So true,Stan added pensively.
    Anyway,I have some awfully strange news,Mary went on.
    You just won’t believe this but Dorothy Grey who lives at the bottom of the hill has just had a heart attack.
    How come
    She had an online love relationship with a rather peculiar but intriguing and clever elderly man who turned out to be a sadist in disguise.So when she ended it he flew over and attacked her with an air gun and some cat’s claws which he had bought from a cat market
    Is he a wizard,asked Emile.
    No, he flew on a stolen magic carpet from Persia.
    Persian carpets,I’d love one here said the cat greedily
    Actually it’s a kind of plane,said Stan.
    How boring ,said Mary angrily.
    Anyway Dorothy was so shocked her arteries spasmed and she is in A and E now on morphine,she added…
    What a shame that she got that instead of a spasm elsewhere….Stan muttered thinking of Freud.
    But who’d have sex with such a horrible old man? Mary asked.
    An equally horrible old woman,maybe? Stan riposted.
    Any way it all goes to show the dangers of online love, he informed the room.
    It’s not real love,is it, because in real love the other person is as important to you as yourself.Mary said theologically.
    Well. now Eros is a kind of love,too.But many old men just want their washing done and a companion.Eros has departed from their world.
    Sybael smiled and then flew out of the window.
    What was that noise, said Mary anxiously.
    Just an angel’s wings,said Stan quietly
    If only Dorothy had seen an angel instead of that harsh old man she might be much better now.Mary mused.But not everyone can see them.Their world seems full of horrible old men and beautiful young women
    Emile winked at Stan and then ran out to chase a butterfly amongst the scented tulips.. there were lots of angels there every day but only he knew.
    Angels don’t like big modern cities but they like old abbeys and cathedrals and places where such things used to be before post modernist architecture took over.
    And cat’s claws are not meant for scratching your loved ones either.And online dating should be avoided except with atheists and agnostics.They are less judgemental about women’s place and roles.It’s strange how harsh many religious people are.Harsh and unforgiving.

Howl with discretion

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    She gave him a bowl of discretion and some milk of inhuman kindness
    I have the art and he has the craft but do we have the rhyme?
    Shalll we abandon  lips? Kissing is not to be scorned
    So it’s all about my face then?
    I sleep above the board and my head is underneath the bed.
    Absence makes the heart stray yonder.
    Advent makes my whole heart ponder
    Resolution falters after the facts.
    He said his face was in the hole and his balls was up a tree.Bad grammar!
    His body is still missing apart from his complexion
    He keeps his face up his sleeve since he saw a naked woman
    Why did Achilles not heal?
    The unborn don’t fall down on me!
    Factions speak louder than wholes
    Fictions speak sounder than truths.
    After viewing my own art I need a shrink
    After viewing my own heart I can’t think
    If you show me your part, I can yank
    After suing my own heart I winked.Or wanked?

Don’t sing in your sleep

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They have a colour bar in  our Church.You have to be green  before you can go to Confession on Saturday  night.Otherwise it’s  £50
Men are treated unfairly now.They have to break their own wind!
Women are treated very kindly nowadays.They can turn themselves on with a vibrator to make the bed warm in winter.Alternatively try wearing a nightdress and a  wig in case Leonard Cohen calls on you.If he sings,Ain’t no cure for love,invite him to join you and do your best.After all, he is dead now.
If you feel blue don’t worry.I like to feel blue too.But I  am not dead yet.
And don’t sing in your sleep .I did in 2010 and see what has happened to me.I have this blog!

I didn’t know we were trading with North Korea

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Mary was sitting in the window  waiting for Amazon to deliver some cushion covers. Then she saw a van outside and a handsome young man  walked up the path to her green door

When Mary saw the cushion covers she was very pleased because the pink ones were in fact coral and she prefered coral to pink or red
She was using some memory foam to make her chair more comfortable but as it had no cover over it it would  to get very dirty ,not to mention it would look horrible. By mistake she had also ordered to Golden  cushion covers but they will come in useful no doubt in the bedroom as a  touch of gold is very romantic and elegant
Emile  her little cat had jumped inside the cardboard box and he was chasing his tail as cats like to do. If Mary had a  Tale it would not fit inside a cardboard box but only in a computer.
After putting the coral covered cushion onto her  chair  she lay back comfortably whilst admiring Leonard Cohen’s hawk like nose as he sang Closing Time on YouTube.
What a pity that I never met a man with a hawk like nose ,she thought.
There is something about a hawk like those that is very charming and at the same time gives a hint of  attractive danger.
Should a woman who wanted  a hint of danger ever get involved with a man like that? For wonderful as Mr Cohen was,  his love life did seem to be quite painful. Is it better to be so handsome and winning and have lots of girls chasing you or are you better off just being ordinary and winning the love of one good woman/man who will stay with you forever.?
As Mary was not a man she was unable to answer the question. but Leonard Cohen was only human and even if  he did have a lot of girlfriends  breaking up is very painful to do
I think that if you are a poet or an artist you need a lot of time alone and such a man would not want to waste  time driving you to Tesco’s and spending two hours trying to decide what kind of soup to buy. nor would he be interested it in the kind of cushion covers that you wanted or whether you should use a souffle dish for the Sunday roast. Of course he was Jewish so it would have been the Sabbath meal that was important that I do not think that roast beef and Yorkshire puddings are what most Jewish people eat on the Sabbath I may be wrong.
Mary sat staring that Leonard Cohen for ages.I wonder if he died because of Donald Trump being on the television so much in the pre-election time .He would probably collapse  if he saw what Donald Trump has done so far. It is completely  unimaginable  to people like Mary and  her friends that a  democratic country could elects such a man
 In came Annie wearing a red and yellow striped coat.
Good gracious cried Mary where did you get that from?
It was hanging on a hook in the hall ,Annie  replied sarcastically.
Did you mean where did I buy it from?
Yes,I did of course, any idiot would know said Mary rudely
~Well I bought it in the market. it was only £15.99 and it says made in North Korea.
I didn’t know we were trading with North Korea said Mary nervously
Well,you know now, replied Annie kindly
I suppose in this post Brexit era we will have to trade with whoever we can  find,Mary whisprered
I guess that principles are all very well but when it comes down to  recession and starvation that we will simply trade with anybody at all in the world even Mr Putin the Russian leader.
We’ve been trading with Russia for a long time  responded Annie. I think we get our gas from Russia.
Don’t you think  for us it’s foolish to become  dependent on getting  something so important from a country far away and were you not better off with coal fires with coal from our own Mines. here in Britain
It’s nice to have central heating but  if it means depending on the  the Russians or on countries in the Far East then we are playing  with hot coals.;to think  every time I make a cup of tea  the kettle is using gas from Russia why my ancestors would never believe that and they would have thought it was extremely stupid,I believe
It’s better to go into the woods and pick up some old pieces of wood or you could take  an old piece of furniture outside into the backyard and chop it up and use that to light the fire;you could burn rubbish on it as well .My mother used to like throwing  empty sugar bags on as the little bits of sugar remaining would cause the wood to  catch fire more rapidly then she would put some coal over the top and had a fire without spending very much money nor depending on places where we have no control over their politics and economics.
I wonder if Russia is taking anything from us?
God Only Knows let’s have a race .Shall we ring 999 twice and see which ambulance gets here first.?
I hope it will be Dave because he makes a very nice cup of tea and I have got some Yorkshire tea bags in the kitchen which would  make a   change ; I have also got some tea bread from Marks and Spencer’s
The doorbell rang it was a young man from down the street.
Hello  he said my name is Tom; my cat has just had kittens and I wondering whether you would like one of them when they’re old enough to leave their mother?
I don’t think so, said Mary. one cat is enough for me.  Emile Is a tom cat and he might get very jealous if I got another male cat and if I got a female cat he might want to have children.
What is wrong with that said Tom. after all that’s the way God made them
God made  deserts but it doesn’t mean that everybody’s got to live in them.
And so say all of us.