Don’t duck it

duck-drawing-001

There’s plenty of queued words waiting to rest.
A few too many words and you’ll be a pest.
You’ll  have a good night’s rest after you feel Betty.
There’s no jokes without a liar
Don’t prick your own navel.
Men have had  trouble controlling the organ.So we will play a CD instead on Sundays as it’s the Lord’s Day.
If ill please do not come to the Ball.Stay at home or pay with your  health.
You’ll feel  better after a good knight’s quest.
Never flog your own  knave.
He married her  on a fun day.
A  rolling throne gathers the lost.
A carolling stone reveres the past.
Jonah liked the seaside best.He had no choice.Free holidays and no work.
Noah was always at sea too.Until a dove scolded him.It was called Olive.
As for Daniel he liked Africa where he  was lionised.
Moses liked sunny holidays as he spent 40 years in a   desert and died when  he heard they had to go home.I know the feeling only too hell.
Too many rebukes spoil the atmosphere.
To see or not to see.That is the acid test.
Many bands make light music.A few make it weighty
He wants a  mound of fish.
After he died, I got his tensions.So I writhe a lot to make ends sweet.
Men kept staring at her  until she was read all over.
Why do  women want to discuss  their digits?
A poet of  note,she wrote a few  good comets and starred in the park.
Hark,the Jarrow marchers sang.
Is this  the sand I see before  me? Sinai?
Is this  a Jagger I see before me in Cuba?
Henry 8th had six wives hence Henry 9th will have seven or six and three quarters depending on whether it’s an arithmetic progression or a  proportion.If he has six and three quarters  one must have no head.That fits.That’s maths for you.
Love it or mate with it.
I texted  the Lord.Can I hate it?

If this be love,then let me dwell alone.

If this be love,then let me feel your hate.

If you be true then let me hear your lies.

To save my heart,your message came too late.

And now my need is for the thoughtful wise.

If this be marriage,let me have divorce.

If this be holy,hasten I to hell..

For love comes in its time without such force.

And of its message who are we to tell?

If this be love,then let me dwell alone.

If this be love, I’ll be forever chaste.

Your love is like a blow that breaks my bones

A love that leaves in mouths a bitter taste

.

You do not love yourself and so not me.

Far away from you. I wish to be.

Attempting to define

We are always in Freud’s way
Blocking his vision
Trying to contain,
Attempting to define;
Psychoanalysis is an ungraspable
Over-inflated example of this.
Another hot house product
Is the book itself and its cover

Becoming Freud ;the concepts behind his birth
is part of Yale’s
Lives of  the  Big Boys
which requires  of the author not only
to present  Freud
but  even go off side
to make it “Jewish” as well.
There being no ingenious way,
he  was so far out
around this issue,
Phillips gives Freud’s
Jewishness a conveniently
un-biographical treatment;
At times , so scientific
as to be indeterministic,probably.
You know how we see;
It’s by chance.
No grace in here.Nor will
Don’t miss  slipping it into your pocket.
Or it will all get out.
Dreams are the  messages of the cross.

Stan gets help

IMG_0107

  • Stan was feeling somewhat glum,nay even despairing,on Monday morning.
    Mary had gone to work on her new folding 6 gear bicycle with own basket and an extra basket from Wells-next -the- Sea 1995 [the wicker basket now somewhat gray in hue.]
    He was left at home sorting out all his art work and materials as well as doing the  baking and bathing Emile,the delightful yet trying male cat.
    Sunk in dark misery,Stan sat in an old uncomfortable chair in the darkest part of the room, while Emile snored on the rug by the bright French windows.Stan went through all the possible reasons for his state of mind.Was he guilty about his flings with his alluring next door neighbour Annie?
    Could it be his failure to toilet train Emile? Or his omitting to carry out the penance given by Father Brown after Stan confessed to stealing sweets on the way to Confession in 1956?
    The longer Stan brooded the more reasons he found for his depression.
    He could hardly get up to make a cup of coffee ..even instant seemed too much trouble.Would he even clean his teeth which somehow he’d failed to do?
    The doorbell rang… it was a new cord for his laptop asEmile had been chewing the current one ,and 29 books in a sack from Amazon which his wife must have ordered,as he had no recollection of any such foolish spending.How would they pay the bill on the credit card? he ruminated.
    Later in the day ~Annie peered through the window.She tapped on the glass with her well manicured blue finger nails.Let me in she cried.
    I’m too tired for any hanky panky he murmured lovingly as he ran his fingers through her thick red tresses.What is this delightful perfume,beloved?he questioned her.
    It’s Poison! she replied.Oh no,sorry it’s Iris and Jasmine Eau de toilette from the Bodyshop.
    Despite his lowly sunken state Stan loved this perfume.He sniffed rabidly at her well rounded form.
    Well,shall we have some tea?She enquired.
    Stan sat there hand on chest.
    I’ve been feeling a little gloomy,he muttered.She peered at him
    .You look terribly pale,Stan.Where’s your angina spray?I can’t recall,he said.Oh,here it is in my vest.
    What a strange place to keep it,she responded.
    Mary made pockets for all my vests.at one time you could buy vests with pockets
    She’s good at sewing despite being so clever.In fact she loves doing things with her hands.
    Annie got the GNT spray out and handed it to him.Have you got a pain?
    Well,yes,now you mention it,I do,he replied .
    Well,in the name of God, use the bloody thing,she whispered endearingly into his left ear.
    He opened his mouth,raised his tongue and with his hand resting lightly on his chin he pressed the button with his forefinger.
    His head began to throb.
    Annie appeared with a cup of Earl Grey tea and a biscuit.Why,you look a little better.Do you need another dose?
    No,I feel much better now.I’ve had it before.He drank the tea but didn’t eat the biscuit which he threw out later in crumbs for the field mice in the shed.
    His spirits began to rise.Why did he always forget that physical ailments can worsen a mood?He still felt a trifle glum but nothing a meringue wouldn’t put right.
    OK,what shall I make for Mary’s supper? he enquired.
    You sit there in the window and I’ll just make my special spaghetti,Annie replied gaily,as long as I can stay too.
    Yes,I’ll open some red wine he said youthfully,and we can have fried apples and bananas for pudding with non fat Greek yoghurt.
    What a wise choice she murmured gently into his ear………that will use up some of the newly picked apples,the bananas were from Lidl’s as usual.
    Well,Stan you look better.said Mary happily,You’ve been pale all weekend.Was it Annie who cheered you up,not to put too fine a point on it?
    Actually it was nitroglycerine,he said roguishly,but Annie made me use it.
    But for us women you’d be dead,she replied equably.
    But for you delightful creatures I wouldn’t be here at all,he moaned ecstatically.
    Now then Stan,control yourself she urged,After all we have a visitor,Annie!
    What a hoot,he thought as he twisted spaghetti round his fork in a careless manner splashing tomato sauce all over his new acrylicjumper.
    Thank the Lord for washing machines,Mary said.
    I didn’t know Jesus invented them,Annie said with a tone of mild sarcasm but no-one bothered to reply.
    As told by Emile to the local paper.

Mary wants a library of men

 

 

Mary had a busy morning ironing Emily’s nightdresses whilst the soft furred

cat lay under the table watching her.Eventually she rang BT to enquire whether a 66 per cent increase in the bill was normal when inflation was onlty 3 per cent.Despite her knowledge of quantum theory and dysfunctional analysis she was unable to understand the explanation.Though she did get a slight reduction.As she sat down at the table to fill in the Accounts Book she realised that instead of a pen she had a grapefruit spoon in her right hand.
This is just the end,she told herself.I need to relax.I am all knotted up like a ball of old string.How can I change my life? Alas no ideas came into her mind as she sat staring out of the French windows at the grey November sky.As Stan came back from his walk he saw Mary sitting sobbing by the television.What’s the matter,dearest? he asked her tenderly.It’s all these bills plus the fact that I buy hundreds of pens every year yet can never find one,she said dolefully.
Yes,it’s a bit like the disappearing teaspoons, he said in a reflective tone.I suppose we must accidentally toss them into the kitchen bin when clearing up.I am not surprised so many old folk get paranoia as we like to think somebody else is responsible for the mess we live in.
And,Mary said,I bought a tablet since it’s Black Friday.But after spending ages trying to connect the camera I found it doesn’t have one.
That’s the downside of trying to buy things more cheaply,Stan said wisely.
I suppose it’s a bit like a religion.Everyone is rushing about buying stuff so we feel we should join in,Mary blurted out in a manner unlike her usual detached and affectless mode which she had adopted for her job as a professor of mathematics and state tricks.
I think I’d rather meditate in the church than go shopping for bargains,Stan answered softly.Do you feel we ought to resume our old religion.he asked her curiously.
Well,you’ll have to give up sinning with Annie, she told him with a smile.I know i am a bit lacking in that department but it’s not personal to you.I have never felt much interest in sex except with a film star.Perhaps I should have been a nun.Still I do like sharing my life with you and the cats and even Annie…. and we have our daughters too though where are they now?
Are we keeping this little female cat,Stan asked his wife jovially
.Oh,yes.I have already bought her some nightdresses so she can sleep by your arm at night.I just hope Emile will not be jealous,Mary said anxiously.
Well.I want a female in bed,even if it’s a cat,Stan told her.I just want a bit of affection.And she seems not to be a scratcher
.Emily purred loudly as she had been starving since her owner Jean had moved into a retirement complex where animals were forbidden although they do allow fleas and bed bugs we are told.But who wants to sleep with a bug ? They are unkind and nasty little creatures though God must have had a plan for them.He alone knows what it was.
Annie was standing outside wearing a red corduroy outfit and a purple woollen hat,with matching suede leather boots.She tapped on the window and Mary went to open the back
Would you like some tea,Annie,she asked her politely.
I’d love some.,was the answer.I have made some shortcake with real butter in it and she pulled a large bag of biscuits from her large leopard skin handbag..
Did you make them,Mary enquired courteously.
Yes,I decided to begin to buy fewer things in the shops and use less sugar.Did you know your brain and heart need some fat?
No,said Mary.But I know the brain contains a lot of fat… so we must need it and butter is delicious as well.Maybe I shall make something but I have a lot of ironing with the new cat.
Surely you don’t iron the cat,Annie shouted in horror.
No, it’s just she likes pretty dresses,Mary called.Come here Emily, she carried on.Emily came out from under the table wearing a white denim skirt and a pink blouse…. and a red hat.
How can she climb trees,asked Annie angrily.
Well,all these clothes are machine washable.And she has no shoes on so she can use her claws.Anyway she doesn’t go out much as she hates the cold.I suppose I could get her a goosedown parka… and boots with holes for her claws
I think some jeans would be better, or jeggings.. with a tunic top.How about a headscarf too now it’s winter,Annie murmured softly… cashmere?
What a problem it is for cat owners.Should they put their pets on a fixed allowance or let them spend whatever they like with their own credit card?The two women were soon deep in thought while Stan went and made some nice hot tea.
We all need a man now and then… even if we don’t have one of our own… maybe we can borrow one like we do with library books.Now that seems a good idea.
Stan would be deeply shocked at the thought that he might be avaiable on loan from the library for 3 weeks but it would make him feel wanted and useful and give him an insight into the wild women of Knittingham and their unique ways.And that might help his marriage or at lea

Is there a name for this destruction

Wakening up,remembering.

The rain falls onto the windows like a weeping angel’s tears
Thinking all the time,it was a bargain they wanted
.. not this…….not this… no,no
Is there a name for this destruction
which destroys also those who commit such acts?
A haunted Europe;Britain
the interfering empire,grasping at the world’s wealth,
have made a patchwork out of Eden
Here where man began to be civilised
where we learned to make an aleph bet
and to write on scrolls
where God spoke from the fire
Why is it here that the hate is so strong?
What did we steal from these Arabs
when we bought their oil and made them wealthy
Materially,only; they had the wealth of knowledge and learning;
they who invented the abstractions of mathematics?
How have they become who they are?
And from those learned Jews when we plundered their religion
their Book and their G-d.
Their mystical traditions and learning;
scattered them like dust across the diaspora.
Our rulers and others thieved like starving beggars
and sat watching as they struggled
How can religion be used with such cruelty?
The hate they should feel for the West
is transferred to their neighbours.
The wet eyed and heart weary,the strained and tearless too,
those whose hearts are heavy with
the pain of unsheddable tears
They turn again to the mountain
the steep climb continues
Tears water the path and the cold earth
As we look into the heart of darkness
Hoping for a sign,
Or at least to be ready for a sign….
Those who have eyes to see,let them see

But he said, “I will not ask; I will not put the LORD to the test.

Hello Stan


Stan was outside polishing the brass doorstep.”My,these microfibre cloths are wonderful” he thought exuberantly.Mary was out taking a load of  clothes to the Oxfam Shop.Suddenly he heard a loud cry.,then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head.
“Eeh,no rest for the wicked,even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his knees.
“Just give me a hand” ,he said,
“‘ll have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten upso.”
“I’ll stretch them for you!”Annie whispered roguishly.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a hearty slap.
“For Pete’s sake,Annie” he shouted faintly.”Someone might see that.”,
“There’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered.
“Oh,yes there is!”
It was Dave,the paramedic.He had been lying behind the wheelie bins,all three of them standing plaintively in the tiny front garden. with their different coloured lids.
“I’m an MI5 spy,and I’ve been reading your blog,Mr Brown.”
“I’m not called Brown”,said Stan nerdishly.
“Refuses to accept reality,”Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier.
“Jesus Christ!”, said Stan.
“Now,now” said Dave,”that’s not your name,
“No my name is Tan,not Brown,you’ve been reading the wrong blog! Stan Tan!”
Dave appeared crestfallen,
“Any chairs need mending today?”
“My what beautiful ears you have,sweetheart,” he said to Annie,
“They look like sea shells,”
“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully.
“Are you still a transvestite?” she followed on incoherently.
“No,I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Bhuddist”
“How did that happen?” demanded Stan querulously.
“Well,I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair,and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.Going forward or backwards,sideways or straight ahead,it is all part of the warp and weft of life.””mistakes don’t matter” he continued idly.
“Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips,cherry pink by courtesy of L’oreal of Paris and New York,lip balm by Yves St Laurent,peach foundation by Lancome also of Paris,toning smokey grey mascara by Max Factor,handbag Annie’s own,deep burgundy 70 denier tights by M&S,Grey pointed ballet slippers by Bally of Switzerland.[also available in black,red and teal].Raspberry lingerie by  M&S the well known Jewish Department Store.
“As I was saying..,”
Dave dived back behind the wheelie bin.
Stan polished the brass and Annie disappeared in a puff of  cigarette smoke.
It was Mary’s famous imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop.
“Don’t they make bike bells any more?” Dave  wondered manfully  as he carried on reading the new life of Emily Dickinson “A loaded gun.
He  had thought it was an army training manual,but,hey,mistakes don’t matter! Or do they?
Sign up here for an online degree in ethics and morals.Price £49 plus VAT

He fell in love with the cat: a short sweet story

Emile in the garden

 

Stan fell asleep in front of the roaring fire.Emile lay across his lap.Emile was so limp he looked like a wet towel casually over the old man’s knees.It was Stan’s birthday but no party had been arranged.He was struck that Mary had not baked a cake..nor even bought one at the Co-op.
That was no surprise really as he did all the cooking including Bakewell tarts and Xmas cake,He was a versatile man who could also mend old radios and fix clocks that were stuck  at one time….mainly the wrong one!
He also spent quite a lot of time giving statistics lessons to pensioners and making love with his blonde and busty  and well dressed mistress,Annie who lived next door.
He decided that being so near her was a big advantage given his age.
Suddenly he was awakened by chuckles and giggles,There were Mary and Annie holding a big iced cake and a pot of tea.The doorbell rang and in came all Stan’s friends from his Art class.Mary produced sandwiches,mini pork pies,sausage rolls and potato cakes.
How did you do this ?,he enquired dazedly.
We did it all in Anne’s oven.She has two so it was quite easy.
Mary was not jealous of Annie for Mary would rather read Principia Mathematica than go to bed with Stan.Apparently she was mildly autistic but she was happy doing maths as many of her co-workers had the same syndrome.
She did have one daughter whom she found hidden in a gooseberry bush in the garden.This was enough for Stan as he was 92.But luckily he did have a good
gold plated pension of £390 per month.
Everyone was having a fabulous time until Anne tried to light the candles on the cake.No matches could be found.
Ring 999,Stan called childishly.Mary obeyed and soon the ambulance drew up.In ran Dave the paramedic.
Is it your chair? he enquired wildly.
No,it’s this cake.We can’t light the candles on it.Shall we douse it in petrol?We have a jerry can full of it in the spare room.
That is very dangerous,he shouted.
Well,we are old now and need the car badly.Risk assessment gave us evens on the odds.Dave produced a silver lighter and lit the candles.Then he conducted them all as they sang,”Happy Birthday” to Stan.Stan managed to blow out 90 candles before passing out on the rug.
Well,at least he didn’t break the chair,Mary said philosophically.
I wish he had,said Dave. I’ ve got some super-glue here.
Well,we do have a wardrobe that’s falling apart.would you like to mend it?
Sure,he replied gratefully.This is why we have the NHS! We are here for you 24/7
Or come to A and E if you get a mouth ulcer or a cold sore.No problem is too small!
Stan came too on the rug with Emile beside him.He gazed deeply into the cat’s green eyes.
I think I’ve fallen in love with you,he informed the cat.
Will you sleep with me and let Mary have your basket.
Are we engaged,said Emile.
Definitely,said Stan.I’ll get you a golden collar with diamonds on it.
When shall we be married?
As soon as it’s legal,Stan answered honestly.
In the meantime,we’ll have to live in sin.
Then he fell asleep again with Emile in his arms.
What a lovely picture, cried the ladies.
Look at this.What a happy sight.
What love,what devotion.
How strange,what a commotion.
They’re in love,what emotion.
Don’t tell the Queen,we need caution.

Stan cleans the bath

 

  • Stan was leaning over, cleaning the  new bath.When the doorbell rang,he rushed downstairs and opened the  double front door.
    “Will you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
    “Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and  theologians.
    She was wearing perfume, and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky over-blouse, not to mention her matching raspberry  and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three  imitation gold and silver watches on each  of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting. Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once
    The more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.So she reasoned in her womanly  way. Just then one  phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation  and turmoil-uation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
    “Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
    “Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with  carpentry skills. You’ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
    “Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?Contact Parcel Force without delay.
    Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
    “Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
    “Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously..
    “Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
    “To attract men,of course!”
    “No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.”Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for services rendered so generously and freely.”
    “Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.” Stanley looked uneasy.
    “I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
    The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born. She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
    “Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
    “My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”,
    “Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
    “Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”
    “I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal  secret memo.[available on 50 years]
    “Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual  to see what they were up to,you know what I mean, you catch my drift?
    She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
    “Oh,gosh,better ring 999” Stan said to Emile.
    “Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”
    “Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
    “Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”
    In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor  Annie.How cruel can a cat be?  Ask any mouse! Still in the end God made all of us and what a  terrifying and beautiful world it is.

Stan cleans the bath

  •  

    • Stan was leaning over, cleaning the  new bath.When the doorbell rang,he rushed downstairs and opened the  double front door.
      “Will you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
      “Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and  theologians.
      She was wearing perfume, and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky over-blouse, not to mention her matching raspberry  and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three  imitation gold and silver watches on each  of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting. Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once
      The more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.So she reasoned in her womanly  way. Just then one  phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation  and turmoil-uation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
      “Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
      “Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with  carpentry skills. You’ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
      “Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?Contact Parcel Force without delay.
      Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
      “Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
      “Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously..
      “Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
      “To attract men,of course!”
      “No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.”Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for services rendered so generously and freely.”
      “Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.” Stanley looked uneasy.
      “I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
      The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born. She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
      “Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
      “My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”,
      “Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
      “Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”
      “I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal  secret memo.[available on 50 years]
      “Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual  to see what they were up to,you know what I mean, you catch my drift?
      She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
      “Oh,gosh,better ring 999” Stan said to Emile.
      “Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”
      “Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
      “Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”
      In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor  Annie.How cruel can a cat be?  Ask any mouse! Still in the end God made all of us and what a  terrifying and beautiful world it is.

 

What you can discuss at the bus stop

1.Food  shopping and recipes.
2.Library books.
3.Best/cheapest independent coffee shops.
4 What you read in bed.
5.What you wear in bed but not what you do.
6.Whether you have a bed or
7.Recliners.
8 Best size of TV  for bedroom
9.Cleaning products.
10.Vacuum cleaners.
11.Why the buses are so infrequent.
12 How nice the drivers are.
13.Where you shop and what you like.
14.The market.. best stalls
15 Breadmakers/Soupmakers.
16. BBC i-player.
17.Xmas.
18. Where to buy cheap wrapping paper.
19. Knitting.
20.Where to buy cheap wool.
21 Motor bikes.
22 Accents.
23 Kindness
24 Jesus.. was he Jewish?

Waltham Abbey Church: another lovely ‘jolly.’

This is from Jane Risdon’s blog which you should visit.

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A couple of weeks ago I was taken on another series of what I call ‘Jollies.’ Those who pop in here from time to time know what I mean – a ‘jolly’ is when I am taken s…

Source: Waltham Abbey Church: another lovely ‘jolly.’

What not to talk about at the bus stop

1.The EU etc
2.Refugees
3.The Budget
4.Income tax problems [ because some folk are too poor to pay it]
5.Whether you wish  you were dead unless you are genuine.In which case  ring the Samaritans  or get a friend to take you to the doctor.NOW
6.Telling everyone secrets about your neighbours.
7.Al-Gebra,Sorry ,Al-Quaeda.
8 The sacking of Constantinople.
9.Whether  you go to church just for company.
10 How  many times you’ve watched Foyles’ War.
11 Why you never do anything but watch TV.
12 Boris  O’Johnson or Donald  McTrump.
13 Pains and aches.
14.Vibrators.
15 Wittgenstein.
16.Mobility scooters.
17.How the young dress.
18.U3A.
19.Your relatives.
20.Your mental health.
21 Your relatives’ mental health.
22   Washing machines.

Emile has a bath

Dotty cats 2

Emile loved the new purple bath that his owner and father  Stan had just  had installed and longed to bathe in it.He indicated as much to Stan but Stan was not convinced by his argument.
“It’s rather large,Emile.And you can’t swim.”
So Emile ,always adaptable,asked if he could have a bath in a bowl of warm water as a trial run.
Stan got a spare plastic bowl and filled it with warm water and some lavender bath salts. Emile climbed in cautiously.Cats don’t like to get wet usually but Emile was always happy to have a go.He stood in the water which came up to his chest.”Can you lie down?” Stan asked him.
“It’s too deep” Emile replied.So Stan took out some of the water with a jug and Emile lay on his back with his muzzle projecting from the water and his large amber eyes closed.The water began to turn grey.”This is relaxing”Emile miaowed
.”I think therefore I am.”
That’s Descartes.” murmured Stan
.”Fortune favours the brave”  miaowed Emile
That’s better” said Stan.”I love Pascal.”
“My goodness thought Emile,this man is woman crazy.Now he wants Pascale as well as Annie and Mary and he’s 98!!
So to prevent further thought, Emile leaped out of the bowl and onto a large soft towel Stan had put beside it.As Stan dried him Emile purred rapturously.
“Would you like a blow-dry?” Stan enquired humorously.
“Not tonight Stanley,enough is as good as a feast!”
Stan emptied the bowl down the sink.
“My sainted aunt,look at this dirt and to think that cat’s been sleeping with me for 17 years.”
Stan wants to get Emile some swimming lessons.He’ll have to look on google or yahoo to see what’s available in the area or  within 5 miles
Meanwhile he goes downstairs to make supper for Mary and himself.Fried corned beef in batter  with suet dumplings and sauteed potatoes followed by apple crumble and clotted cream.Just what the doctor ordered! And if they are still hungry they might deep fry some Mars bars.When on Mars…….

Vagary means?

IMG_0048 Gone wandering……….

Oxford Dictionary

Looking and seeing

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Daffodils by Mike Flemming 2016

I’ve noticed that  some people look at one tiny constituent of a situation and then magnify it by narrowing their view and can become obsessed;I think the capability to do this must be for when we are in great danger.When we are not we need to be able to step back and see how this object relates to its surroundings,I noriced this because I left a comment on a blog about autism and from this another person deduced all sorts of things  qhich she ascribed to me.
So what we see may not be real or it may be out of proportion.We may even fail to see something right in front of us, which can be dangerous.Fear makes shapes take on forms relating to our fear when on other days we see them as trees or
houses.This can happen with a fever when we see faces in the wallpaper or curtains.

What is perception?

Cambridge dictionary
perception
pəˈsɛpʃ(ə)n/
noun
noun: perception; plural noun: perceptions
  1. 1.
    the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses.
    “the normal limits to human perception”
    • awareness of something through the senses.
      “the perception of pain”
    • PSYCHOLOGYZOOLOGY
      the neurophysiological processes, including memory, by which an organism becomes aware of and interprets external stimuli.
  2. 2.
    the way in which something is regarded, understood, or interpreted.
    “Hollywood’s perception of the tastes of the American public”
Origin
late Middle English: from Latin perceptio(n- ), from the verbpercipere ‘seize, understand’ (see perceive).

In this chant and benediction

 

Signs and symbols guide the route.
Love gives the soul her appetite.
Though the night is black and starless,
The inner guide is never careless.
The notes are struck,the tune is played,
Plain melodies are overlaid.
In this chant and benediction,
Healing comes for desolation.

Though the passage way is narrow,
This pathway is the one to follow.
Struggling through the mud and mire,
We see in darkness tongues of fire.
The sacred centre of our life
Is never found without some strife.
Just then the dark and light combine,
To create a symbol for our mind.s

Stan’s wig

 

  • Emile was deeply asleep on Stan’s pillowsStan wore a wig in bed so Emile could stick his claws into it without scratching Stan..though the lady in the shop where Stan bought it assumed he was a transvestite.This is what happened in the shop:
    After being scratched on the head by Emile, who slept on Stan’s pillow,Stan had decided he must buy himself a wig.Seeing how it was a very cold summer,anyroads,it would keep him warm.He went out and took the car onto the road.
    Come on Emile,you can read the map for me to get us to the wig shop
    on the other side of Knittingham.
    Why don’t you get Sat Nav? the naughty little cat answered.
    Why should I when I prefer Cat Nav…. and you are always good company.
    How flattering, purred Emile,putting on his spectacles which had gold rims.
    When they reached the Wig Shop “Fakes and Fantasy” in Eastside Road Emile was so tired with navigating he went to sleep and Stan ventured nervously into the shop.
    Are you alright, sir? a charming lady asked.
    What are you looking for?Some viagra perhaps?
    No, no!
    A vibrator?
    I get enough vibration in my old car!I am looking for a wig.
    But your hair is quite thick!Ah,I see… a lady’s wig?
    Yes,he whispered,Exactly.
    I think an auburn wig would suit you.
    The colour is no concern…I shall only wear it in bed.
    Does your wife mind you being a transvestite?
    I’m not a transvestite,I sleep with the cat!
    Well,whatever turns you on as long as it does no harm to anyone or the cat.It’s a free country.
    A free country..I pay my income tax gladly…for if I was not getting a pension from the Civil Service I would not be liable for tax.It’s a privilege to pay tax!
    I am glad you feel that way,the lady replied,I am a liberal myself but of the “lefter than thou” school of thought.
    A leftover liberal,he joked.
    And it’s no longer very free here..soon they will monitor our emails.
    I’ve not written you any emails,Stan murmured softly.
    Not yet,but most men I meet send me emails!
    Well,what’s your address,he said seductively.
    It’s  katlover.me@yoohoomail.co.uk or

    mary.isaac-newton78@googledmail.com

    Why have you  got 2 addresses,he whispered to her
    Oh,I can’t remember.I also have a   gmail one.My user name is covetgarden.rose
    Don’t you mean coventgarden?
    Well,it’s too late now.I’ve just applied as covet!
    You should be more careful.You may attract the wrong type of person.
    Do you think there is a wrong type?
    Well,avoid a very egocentric person or one who seems to be after your money or your maidenhead.
    I am 25 years old and after a few boxes of super large tampax I no longer have a maidenhead.
    That’s why the Bishop’s banned them!
    All I say is.. let a Bishop experience menstruation,commuting and modern tight clothes and then I shall heed their advice.
    I see,muttered Stan,You seem a very intriguing young lady.Have you ever thought of having a blog?
    No,never.I am unable to think of a blog title.
    How about,
    “It’s bleeding obvious.”?
    What is?
    That’s the title.
    I see.It’s a bit rude.
    Well,you need to draw attention to yourself.
    I have enough alread..
    Thank you so much.I do feel I am your man despite the age gap.
    To get back to my purchase…I’ll take a long red wig that is machine washable.
    Very wise,the girl responded.I do hope your cat will like it.It’s polyester but feels very nice.
    How much is it? asked Stan.
    Half a crown,she replied.
    Here you are I have a florin and two three penny bits.
    I’ll save those for my Xmas pudding,she cried happily.
    What a good idea,Stan howled.
    Clutching the wig in one hand he tried to get out of the shop without knocking over a mound of vibrators stacked my the exit.
    In my day,we never needed a vibrator,he told the asistant.
    We could vibrate naturally.
    Oh,those good old days…. when love was as natural as a flash of lightning or a shower of hailstones…
    as natural as having a very clever Prime Minister like Harold Wilson..
    Those were the days,my friend
    When we thought we could change the world
    And now we are disillusioned
    But we may as well love each other,anyway.
    They even say,
    It’s love that makes the world go round.
    So love someone today,please.
    Visit an old person or a lonely neighbour.
    Throw a party tonight!

Two religions are better than one

Pray Father,give me your guessing.
My guessing!Don’t you mean my blessing.
Oh,probably.Possibly..who knows.
So have you any sins to tell me?
Yes,I broke a glass jug.
Whose was it?
It was mine,Father.
Surely it’s not a sin to break your own jug?
It is if you hit yourself on the head with it!
What made you do that?
I was angry with myself…I had been committing effrontery.
Do you mean adultery?Your main problem seems to be bad language.
No,Father I never say” Fuck”
You just did.
Well I had to do.I had no choice!
That’s what they all say…if only I heard some original sin I’d find life more interesting.
Well,it’s hard to think of anything original to do especially if it has to be a sin too.
You are just not using your creativity.
All right Father,Put your hands up.i’ve got a gun.
Where did you find that?
In my wife’s handbag.
Now we are getting somewhere.. that’s threatening a priest,interfering in your wife’s privacy and stealing a gun.Any other sins?
I could shoot you,I suppose.
No.no!That is going too far.
Shall I slap you?
No… just say something rude to me.
Your sermons are the most boring I have ever heard.
Well,that’s enough…I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
You have been very lucky then… you should hear what people say to me!
Well,you are both ugly and unintelligent.I don’t know how you had the nerve to marry.
I had no choice.She forced me.But I gave in quickly in case she changed her mind.
And you have seven children.
No, they are not all mine,And they are Jewish.
How can they be Jewish.
My wife is Jewish!
I thought she was just a lapsed Catholic.
No,she’s Jewish but not even an arranged marriage could be arranged for her so she used her imagination and decided an overweight ugly Catholic would be grateful for her love,
And are you grateful?
Yes, and so are all her lovers!
Who are they?
The curate is one of them and has two children .. they look just like him too.
And does she want them raised as Jews?
She just let’s them rise naturally and go with the flow.

Do they have to wear hats?
Only in the Synagogue!
Are you Jewish too.
Yes,it’s quite handy as we have Sabbath on Saturday and then we have Sunday on Sunday if you see what I mean.
I never met anyone who practised two religions before.;
Well,I figured it would double my chance of salvation!
Well. I must speak to the Rabbi.For your penance you must give £50 to Homeless at Xmas.
Am I absolved.
If you stay any longer you’ll be dissolved!
Thank you,Father.
And take that gun away.I don’t want it.
I can get you a good price for your cassock.
Why,thank you,my child

A duck

 

My boyfriend has gone to the war
Though fighting is not what he’s for
He emended his Will
And left me a bill
On a duck in the mud by the car.

He apprehended my guilt and my fear
Without words he told me I was dear.
He recognised my loss
And sold me some floss
So a my teeth are now right in the clear.

Apprehend me tonight

I’m apprehensive about teaching at the comprehensive school

He is comprehensively apprehensive about incomprehensible ghouls or fools

I’m immeasurably happy today.

We give apprehensive accident cover

App free pensives here

I have prehensile toes

Maps

A doctor may give you advice
Which may  uncomprehendingly  be taken  in  twice.
The first time ‘s the best
And afterwards  rest
Then admire her for she is most wise.

 

A diagram is useful in maths;
Or in comprehending the Underground maps.
But the world is far more
Than these lines can show.
I should mention we never show traps

 

The diaphragm is a muscle I think,
That makes us  each breath and then wink
It divides thorax and abdomen
In ladies and gentlemen;
Inside, both the sexes are pink

Intimations of Immortality

Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood

BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

The child is father of the man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.
(Wordsworth, “My Heart Leaps Up”)

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
       The earth, and every common sight,
                              To me did seem
                      Apparelled in celestial light,
               The glory and the freshness of a dream.
It is not now as it hath been of yore;—
                      Turn wheresoe’er I may,
                              By night or day.
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
                      The Rainbow comes and goes,
                      And lovely is the Rose,
                      The Moon doth with delight
       Look round her when the heavens are bare,
                      Waters on a starry night
                      Are beautiful and fair;
       The sunshine is a glorious birth;
       But yet I know, where’er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.
Now, while the birds thus sing a joyous song,
       And while the young lambs bound
                      As to the tabor’s sound,
To me alone there came a thought of grief:
A timely utterance gave that thought relief,
                      And I again am strong:
The cataracts blow their trumpets from the steep;
No more shall grief of mine the season wrong;
I hear the Echoes through the mountains throng,
       The Winds come to me from the fields of sleep,
                      And all the earth is gay;
                              Land and sea
               Give themselves up to jollity,
                      And with the heart of May
               Doth every Beast keep holiday;—
                      Thou Child of Joy,
Shout round me, let me hear thy shouts, thou happy Shepherd-boy.
Ye blessèd creatures, I have heard the call
       Ye to each other make; I see
The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee;
       My heart is at your festival,
               My head hath its coronal,
The fulness of your bliss, I feel—I feel it all.
                      Oh evil day! if I were sullen
                      While Earth herself is adorning,
                              This sweet May-morning,
                      And the Children are culling
                              On every side,
                      In a thousand valleys far and wide,
                      Fresh flowers; while the sun shines warm,
And the Babe leaps up on his Mother’s arm:—
                      I hear, I hear, with joy I hear!
                      —But there’s a Tree, of many, one,
A single field which I have looked upon,
Both of them speak of something that is gone;
                      The Pansy at my feet
                      Doth the same tale repeat:
Whither is fled the visionary gleam?
Where is it now, the glory and the dream?
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
                         Hath had elsewhere its setting,
                              And cometh from afar:
                      Not in entire forgetfulness,
                      And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
                      From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
                      Upon the growing Boy,
But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,
                      He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
                      Must travel, still is Nature’s Priest,
                      And by the vision splendid
                      Is on his way attended;
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day.
Earth fills her lap with pleasures of her own;
Yearnings she hath in her own natural kind,
And, even with something of a Mother’s mind,
                      And no unworthy aim,
                      The homely Nurse doth all she can
To make her Foster-child, her Inmate Man,
                      Forget the glories he hath known,
And that imperial palace whence he came.
Behold the Child among his new-born blisses,
A six years’ Darling of a pigmy size!
See, where ‘mid work of his own hand he lies,
Fretted by sallies of his mother’s kisses,
With light upon him from his father’s eyes!
See, at his feet, some little plan or chart,
Some fragment from his dream of human life,
Shaped by himself with newly-learn{e}d art
                      A wedding or a festival,
                      A mourning or a funeral;
                              And this hath now his heart,
                      And unto this he frames his song:
                              Then will he fit his tongue
To dialogues of business, love, or strife;
                      But it will not be long
                      Ere this be thrown aside,
                      And with new joy and pride
The little Actor cons another part;
Filling from time to time his “humorous stage”
With all the Persons, down to palsied Age,
That Life brings with her in her equipage;
                      As if his whole vocation
                      Were endless imitation.
Thou, whose exterior semblance doth belie
                      Thy Soul’s immensity;
Thou best Philosopher, who yet dost keep
Thy heritage, thou Eye among the blind,
That, deaf and silent, read’st the eternal deep,
Haunted for ever by the eternal mind,—
                      Mighty Prophet! Seer blest!
                      On whom those truths do rest,
Which we are toiling all our lives to find,
In darkness lost, the darkness of the grave;
Thou, over whom thy Immortality
Broods like the Day, a Master o’er a Slave,
A Presence which is not to be put by;
Thou little Child, yet glorious in the might
Of heaven-born freedom on thy being’s height,
Why with such earnest pains dost thou provoke
The years to bring the inevitable yoke,
Thus blindly with thy blessedness at strife?
Full soon thy Soul shall have her earthly freight,
And custom lie upon thee with a weight,
Heavy as frost, and deep almost as life!
                      O joy! that in our embers
                      Is something that doth live,
                      That Nature yet remembers
What was so fugitive!
The thought of our past years in me doth breed
Perpetual benediction: not indeed
For that which is most worthy to be blest;
Delight and liberty, the simple creed
Of Childhood, whether busy or at rest,
With new-fledged hope still fluttering in his breast:—
                      Not for these I raise
                      The song of thanks and praise
               But for those obstinate questionings
               Of sense and outward things,
               Fallings from us, vanishings;
               Blank misgivings of a Creature
Moving about in worlds not realised,
High instincts before which our mortal Nature
Did tremble like a guilty thing surprised:
                      But for those first affections,
                      Those shadowy recollections,
               Which, be they what they may
Are yet the fountain-light of all our day,
Are yet a master-light of all our seeing;
               Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make
Our noisy years seem moments in the being
Of the eternal Silence: truths that wake,
               To perish never;
Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavour,
                      Nor Man nor Boy,
Nor all that is at enmity with joy,
Can utterly abolish or destroy!
               Hence in a season of calm weather
                      Though inland far we be,
Our Souls have sight of that immortal sea
                      Which brought us hither,
               Can in a moment travel thither,
And see the Children sport upon the shore,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore.
Then sing, ye Birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
                      And let the young Lambs bound
                      As to the tabor’s sound!
We in thought will join your throng,
                      Ye that pipe and ye that play,
                      Ye that through your hearts to-day
                      Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
               Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
                      We will grieve not, rather find
                      Strength in what remains behind;
                      In the primal sympathy
                      Which having been must ever be;
                      In the soothing thoughts that spring
                      Out of human suffering;
                      In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.
And O, ye Fountains, Meadows, Hills, and Groves,
Forebode not any severing of our loves!
Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might;
I only have relinquished one delight
To live beneath your more habitual sway.
I love the Brooks which down their channels fret,
Even more than when I tripped lightly as they;
The innocent brightness of a new-born Day
                              Is lovely yet;
The Clouds that gather round the setting sun
Do take a sober colouring from an eye
That hath kept watch o’er man’s mortality;
Another race hath been, and other palms are won.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live,
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

Apprehend or comprehend

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Bartleby.com  on apprehend and comprehend

Only in the “understand” sense are these words synonyms, although apprehend seems to stress understanding in the sense of “recognizing” (He seems to have apprehended, finally, that he has no standing in the case), whereas comprehend seems to stress understanding as “the intellectual process required to achieve comprehension” (After studying the various proposals, we finally comprehended what all the fuss was about).

Photo1451 a