I had to go to the hospital for a Custord Capote.
If that’s artificial intelligence then give me real intelligence any day.
The doctor said,
I want to put a camera into your bladder.
So I said to her doctor you must be deluded how can you expect me to believe that you can put a camera like the one I’ve got here in my pocket into my bladder when the only way in is a very very tiny hole about 5 millimeters in diameter.
And anyway what were her motives?
She smiled belligerently. It’s a very small camera.
But it is still bigger than a molecule, I said superstitiously.
Well I don’t know she said wisely because I’ve never seen a molecule.
Anyway, if you put this camera into my bladder, how on earth will you get it out again? Or is it going to be a permanent fixture so that you can see into my bladder any time of the night or day?
Don’t worry it’s in a little plastic tube and at the end there’s a little pointed knife so I can cut a bit of your skin off
Well doctor I know that men are afraid of having their penis cut off and now I feel a little bit like that although I know the bladder is not a sexual organ.
Do stop overthinking she told me. Just shut up and keep quiet like all the other patients do.
Then lie down on this bed and pull your trousers down. I’ve never heard such a nuanced conversation. The British are famous for being tactful and also for being ironical; can you guess which I am being now?
As soon as I did what zhe wanted she’s stuck her great big needle into my bum claiming it was an antibiotic.
Well I know that was a lie because antibiotics come in little bottles from the pharmacy. Antibiotics don’t come in the shape of needles as far as I have ever experienced or seen them.
Well after that it’s all a blur .The nurse gave me a piece of kitchen paper.
That’s to wipe yourself she said.
What’s the point when your bladder is always leaking unless you’re on penicillin or ciprofloxacin or another very dangerous drug which can affect your mental state profoundly.
So I’d rather leak than go mad. People seem to think that if you go mad you don’t know what is happening you don’t know what you’re doing and so you’re happy but it’s not true.If you go mad it’s terrifying. On the mental health services in Britain are not very good so you might be discharged after two days treatment a and hang yourself. Yes, it’s that bad for some people. On a lighter note sometimes the madness only lasts for a few hours like when you’re on steroids
I might be more likely to believing god if there were some medication for rheumatoid arthritis or drug resistant infections that did not cause such side effects.
Anyway they gave me a cup of tea and then I went to the Loo.
Then I came back and I thought to myself
They never showed me the pictures from the camera
I could have put them in the computer and changed the colours and used them to illustrate my blog
It’s like going through the labours of Hercules or some other initiation process. And what happens when you get to the end of the seven horrible events or trials? That is something that I have yet to find out but when I do you’ll be the first to learn about it
And if they give me the photographs I’ll publish them here as I know you can’t wait to see them.
How my heart speaks 