When Mary got home after her Autumn shopping trip. she went into the kitchen where her cat was waiting anxiously
What have you bought,Mother, Emile miaowed
I got some black patent Mary Janes in Clark’s Sale
You had some like that before.You said they were tight
Mary put the kettle on.It was copper coloured and cordless
Are we having our coffee now, the cat enquired?
Yes, but also I have read about a trick with tight shoes.Watch this.She laid the shoes on newspaper and poured boiling water into them
Oh,mother, that seems. cruel, he phoned 999
Hello, my mother has poured boiling water into her shoes
Why? Is it to wash her feet?
No, but I am worried the shoes might be hurt.
We’ll send the ambulance immediately
Meanwhile Mary had emptied out the boiling water.She took off her socks and put the new shoes on.
There , you see.They will fit now
The doorbell rang.Two policemen ran in.
We hear you are causing suffering to your shoes
Is that illegal ,Mary murmured?
Almost.When Boris lets Parliament begin we believe hurting leather shoes will become a crime
Is it because we are in the EU?
No, it’s only we British people who care about the pain of objects made from dead animals.So as soon as we Leave Boris will pass a new law
Is he a dictator,Emile miaowed?
We can’t answer that,Sir.You speak good English but where are you really from?
What is your first language?
Are you implying I am an illegal immigrant?
That I swam in up the Humber or swam with seals off North Norfolk before coming to Weybourne a well known way for Conquerers to enter England? I am not Julius Caesar and he landed near Deal.There is a big plaque there.Not put there by him!
Yes, are you from the Ukraine or anywhere in Eastern YouRup?
Are they like YouTube?
Don’t mess with us.We can arrest you.We are the Police and soon we’ll have our own State!
But you have no paw-cuffs. have you?
We can use string, the policeman said creatively
That sounds much more cruel then putting hot water into my shoes,Mary said politely but with a certain edge to her voice.
The policeman looked foolish.Yes,madam.
And cats can’t have passports, as yet.They go to a Cattery on the North Yorkshire Moors for their holidays.Some go to Cornwall.
Am I going, asked Emile? I don’t want to go all by myself.
No,I am renting a cottage in Hunstanton where pets are allowed.And the sands are white and the cliffs coloured in three layers
Thank you, replied Emile.I am happy to hear that.Can I have a bathing suit,Mother?Are there rock pools?
Ask LP Hartley
Suddenly Annie ran in.
Why is there a police car outside. she yelled anxiously?
Your shoes look very wet,Mary.Is it flooded in here?You should be more careful
That is no crime.
Not yet.You never know these days.
They both began to laugh and squawk and so frightened the police who ran out and drove away at 90mph
And so will all of us if this carries on
How my heart sings 