Stan was feeling somewhat glum,nay even despairing,on Monday morning.
Mary had gone to work on her new folding 6 gear bicycle with own basket and an extra basket from Wells-next -the- Sea 1995
[the wicker basket now somewhat grey in hue.]
He was left at home sorting out all his art work and materials as well as doing the baking,cooking and bathing Emile,the delightful yet trying male cat.
Sunk in dark misery,Stan sat in an old uncomfortable chair in the darkest part of the room, while Emile snored on the rug by the bright French windows
.Stan went through all the possible reasons for his state of mind.Was he guiltyabout his flings with his alluring next door neighbour Annie?
Could it be his failure to toilet train Emile? Or his omitting to carry out the penance given by Father Brown after Stan confessed to stealing sweets on the way to Confession in 1956?
The longer Stan brooded the more reasons he found for his depression.
He could hardly get up to make a cup of coffee ..even instant seemed too much trouble.Would he even clean his teeth which somehow he’d failed to do?
The doorbell rang… it was a new cord for his laptop as Emile had been chewing the current one ,and 29 books in a sack from Amazon which his wife must have ordered,as he had no recollection of any such foolish spending.
How would they pay the bill on the credit card? he ruminated.
Later in the day.Annie peered through the window.She tapped on the glass with her well manicured blue finger nails.
Let me in she cried.
I’m too tired for any hanky panky he murmured lovingly as he ran his fingers through her thick red tresses.What is this delightful perfume,beloved,he questioned her.
It’s Poison! she replied.Oh no,sorry it’s Iris and Jasmine Eau de toilette from the Bodyshop.
Despite his lowly sunken state Stan loved this perfume.He sniffed rabidly at her well rounded form
.Well,shall we have some tea,she enquired.
Stan sat there hand on chest.I’ve been feeling a little gloomy,he muttered.She peered at him.
You look terribly pale,Stan.Where’s your angina spray?
I can’t recall,he said.Oh,here it is in my vest.
What a strange place to keep it,she responded.
Mary made pockets for all my vests.at one time you could buy vests with pockets
She’s good at sewing despite being so clever.In fact she loves doing things with her hands.
Annie got the GNT spray out and handed it to him.
Have you got a pain?
Well,yes,now you mention it,I do,he replied verbosely.
Well,in the name of God, use the bloody thing,she whispered endearingly into his left ear.
He opened his mouth,raised his tongue and with his hand resting lightly on his chin he pressed the button with his forefinger.
His head began to throb.
Annie appeared with a cup of Earl Grey tea and a biscuit.
Why,you look a little better.Do you need another dose?
No,I feel much better now.I’ve had it before.
He drank the tea but didn’t eat the biscuit which he threw out later in crumbs for the field mice in the shed.
His spirits began to rise.Why did he always forget that physical ailments can worsen a mood?He still felt a trifle glum but nothing a meringue wouldn’t put right.
OK,what shall I make for Mary’s supper? he enquired.
You sit there in the window and I’ll just make my special spaghetti,Annie replied gaily,as long as I can stay too.
Yes,I’ll open some red wine he said youthfully,and we can have fried apples and bananas for pudding with non fat Greek yoghurt.
What a wise choice she murmured gently into his ear………that will use up some of the newly picked apples,the bananas were from Lidl’s as usual.
Well,Stan you look better.said Mary happily,You’ve been pale all weekend.Was it Annie who cheered you up,not to put too fine a point on it?
Actually it was nitroglycerine,he said roguishly,but Annie made me use it.
But for us women you’d be dead,she replied equably.
But for you delightful creatures I wouldn’t be here at all,he moaned ecstatically.
Now then Stan,control yourself she urged,After all we have a visitor,Annie!
What a hoot,he thought as he twisted spaghetti round his fork in a careless manner splashing tomato sauce all over his new green acrylicjumper.
Thank the Lord for washing machines,Mary said.
I didn’t know Jesus invented them,Annie said with a tone of mild sarcasm but no-one bothered to reply.

As told by Emile to the local paper.
And believed by all of us

In 1934, J. B. Priestley said in his English Journey: ‘People are beginning to believe that the government is a mysterious process with which they have no real concern. This is the soil in which autocrats flourish and liberty dies. Alongside that apathetic majority, there will soon be a minority that is tired of seeing nothing vital happen and will adapt any cause that promises decisive action.’ How right he was. It took Europe a war to bring it to its senses last time. So, God help

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2024/oct/06/your-journey-your-way-by-horatio-clare-review-inspiring-self-help-manual-for-everybody-mental-health?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

If you or somebody you know is worried about mental health and of course if you feel you’re benefits going to be taken away from you if you had a breakdown or a struggling this is written in simple language and it’s very moving. What do you think the doctor’s only got 10 or 15 minutes to do everything coming up with a diagnosis and some medication possibly it shows how difficult it is so we can’t just accept everything that the doctor told us

It seems worth reading for anyone interested in the current political climate

This is fascinating

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/jan/26/the-mindbody-revolution-how-the-division-between-mental-and-physical-illness-fails-us-all?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

When my soul fell sad, you came to me

Severe  despair had fixed me to my chair.

All at once,a golden light made free

When I could not find my way to where

In my mind’s eye I saw a tunnel black

I seem to  dash towards it in my grief

I could not separate myself from this rail track.

My life was threatened by a stoney thief

In deep silence in this dark despair

Your loving kindness shone, your face was bright

Black hypnosis vanished,all was fair

I recognised your face, you were the Light.

Mysterious one who saved me from the dark

I worship  you though all the world is stark

2018

Could it be despair that held me tight

in that February evening and the night

I could not see a way to carry on

Everything seemed dark and I was done

I saw great blackness all around myself

I could not be restored, I had no health

I had reached the end of seeking aid

God alone knew all the coins were paid

Oh gracious mysterious glowing light

That made a warm shawl round me on that night

Impressing me with kindness and goodwill

Holding me until I’d had my fill

Most sensuous, most tangled with love’s grace

Surrounding me, protecting my lost face

As if the arms of love were something real

That anyone who knew this must reveal

Only if we reach that darkest point

May the force of Love with light annoint

The first time that you went into a coffee shop after chemo

You told me that you could see yourself on the other wall looking back at yourself as if you were over there

I’ve never experienced that so I can’t really imagine it

But before that you went into the garden I went into the greenhouse and all of a sudden there was a terrible thunderstorm

So you were in the greenhouse for half an hour and then you came out and ran into the kitchen and your shoes were full of water!

I’m glad that you went to the coffee shop I think you sent the email from there but I’m sorry that you felt so peculiar.

I admired you for going there by yourself.

A bit later,you both went to Llandudno.

You stayed in a posh hotel

You bought  avlovely dress

You went to see your daughter’s new house at Christmas

I could understand how you wanted to see that. Other people’s home decoration and colour schemes is always been something you loved

When you saw her new baby in March you were contented and you said the baby was so placid and happy that she was easier for them to care for.

After that it all became too much for you; you felt so ill and exhausted that you decided you didn’t want to struggle any longer

So we had to say goodbye.

You had read in a magazine living with cancer is like having a loaded gun at the back of your head and you never know when someone’s going to pull the trigger and you lived for nine months after that.

The worst part was that you couldn’t sing in your choir it was very sad  it was lung cancer. You have never smoked etc but it was the polluted tone in which we grew up but why did you get it and I didn’t? It doesn’t seem fair really especially if you’ve got children and grandchildren he missed you so much

And I miss you too I miss you very much but I know that you had enough and you died with your holy beads in your hand which I had got for you.

Thank you for everything

Today,a picture post card came here

from your sister

And you won’t see it.

I had my hair restyled

And you won’t see it.

I bought a new kitchen bin with a green lid

And it opens when one presses a button

And you won’t see it.

The manager in the coffee shop was sorry

to heat that

you have died

He gave me a free drink

and said to go in if I feel down or lost.

He said he liked you but you looked weak in the spring

And I can’t tell you.

I’ve had some roasted potatoes tonight.

You would have liked them

Mr Patel called and put his hand on my shoulder.

He said to call them any time day or night if I am in need

You did know that he came with food in the winter.

I look very pale now as my haemoglobin is only half of the normal level

I am glad you don’t know about that.

i had blood tests yesterday,so maybe I’ll get more treatment soon.

I’m happy you don’t know and also you’d miss my rosy cheeks.

I saw Alfred down the road mewing outside number 99 yesterday

and today he came here and had some milk

so he’s not a stray cat and I can’t keep him.

you’d be disappointed for me…

I mended the headboard on the bed.

I have bought a new armchair which is bright red

andi does not match anything else

And you would not like it.Probably..

Neither do I but I can’t wait any more.

I have got some new shoes too.

What a surprise!!

I still have your ashes at home.

I don’t suppose you know that.

But I know

I know.

..

When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemena

He wanted some companion during the night but nobody was able to be with him.

I’m sure that some of us have had a similar experience.

So would a helper have said to Jesus

Why don’t you listen to some music I know the radio has not been invented yet but you are God…. So make yourself a radio and listen to music

Why don’t you turn your mind away from fear of death  I’m thinking about signing up for an art class,myself.

I know that Jews can’t worship images but there’s no harm in making some images was paint or pastels.

It might lift your mood..

Now Jesus, have you drunk enough water today? Have you had a proper meal?

(Well they had the last supper I believe.)

Don’t you think we should all go home and go to bed and have a good rest and forget about this event that’s going to happen?

Now Jesus what you need is a good holiday.

You know it’s not so far to Cyprus and it would be a break from living in this occupied territory.

The Romans have a lot to answer for.

And would Jesus have lost his temper and called out to the  disciples

Satan get thee hence.

Then somebody will just say, if you feel bad at three o’clock in the morning it’s often a sign of depression and I believe there are some new antidepressants on the market now.

Why don’t you see the doctor tomorrow and ask him can you have a free sample because there is no NHS in the holy land.

And that’s why Jesus stayed in the Garden of Gethsemane by himself because he did not like what his followers were saying to him. And it was all because they didn’t want to actually know how he was feeling: that he was sweating blood that he was afraid that he was terrified but he was going to continue on the path that he believed God had set him on.

And after all he was the son of God. So he believed and there is some evidence to favor that view.

And thus it did transpire

‘The more we can help people understand we are not suffering from disorders but struggling with living in contexts that frighten us and deprive us of essential nutrients for the mind, the more we free ourselves to discover our own compassionate courage and wisdom and build the relationships with ourselves and others that help us flourish personally, morally and spiritually. This outstanding book is a must for all, because it takes us to the heart of how to consider and address the traumas, tragedies and suffering of life. It is the future.’

Mary opened the door as the bell kept ringing.There stood a clergyman in a grey wool suit and baseball cap coordinated with his Nike trainers
Hello,madam,he said suavely in a mellifluous voice
Hello,Mary answered kindly.What is your mission?
To convert the entire world to Christianity.
I am sorry,I meant what was your mission with me.But anyway, you can’t convert me.So you are a failure.It’s called a counter example in Maths.
Why can’t I convert you, he asked the blue eyed witch of Knittingham standing there in her dark Artigiano jeans, Dash striped top and a red wool stole
I like choice, she cried.I do not want a creed.
Anyway, the man told her,I just came to say I am buying a flat across the road and I wanted some opinions on the quietness of this area before I finalise my purchase.
Mioaw,went Emile in a loud shriek
Oh,Lord, what is that, a demon,the poor man asked?
It’s only my cat, she told him,why not come in for coffee and I’ll tell you about the nearest neighbours.
That is very kind of you, he said.But I might be a burglar
Oh,good,Emile purred.I’ve always wanted to meet a burglar.
Why, asked the man as he entered the beautiful hall full of spiders and Picasso prints.
You can tell me how I can get into other people’s houses, the cat told him boldly.
I want to be a cat burglar!
Come into the living room, said Mary.The room was full of books like the Encarta English Dictionary, Stanley Middleton and “How to talk so cats can hear” piled in tidy heaps.
My name is Jacob, the visitor said.I have just retired but am keen to keep converting people as Christianity is the best religion ever
I don’t really want a religion and I am unsure how you prove it’s the best
I am keener on the Hindu religion, she lied impertinently just to see if she could carry it off as Aspies can’t tell lies
Suddenly the kitchen door opened and in ran Annie, the neighbour and one time Mistress of Stan,Mary’s late and dangerous old husband
Hello,Jake, she cried as she kissed his aged cheeks fondly
I am buying a flat but I didn’t know you lived here he said politely
We met on Tinder, Annie told Mary.
What is that, a hill? I know Kinder Scout.
It’s a dating website,Annie said gently, her curving lips covered in wine coloured lip glaze which almost matched her burgundy eye shadow and purple hair.
Why did you not ask me? Mary said shyly
I didn’t think you wanted another man,Annie said pertly with a twinkle in her gorgeous red eyes.
And Jacob said he came to convert me but is it true?
No, said Jacob.I saw you in the front garden and you look so beautiful I wanted to meet you.
Thank God you are not going to shower me with Biblical quotes,Mary said.
I suppose we should admire you going straight for what you want.Although when you know me better you may not find me so attractive.
Jake’s eyes bulged with emotion.
Well, you may not find me so attractive either, he cried wiping his streaming eyes on a kleenex tissue.
Mary ran upstairs and collected Stan’s hankies
Here, use these, she told Jake soulfully
Annie brought in some hot coffee with cream
What do we older people want, she murmured quizzically.We have loved and lost but shall we love again?
Well, I shall mioawed Emile.I don’t keep thinking,I just do it.If I get a chance
Love is more than sex,Emile.We want someone who shares a few interests and likes conversation.
What are your interests, she asked Jake?
I can’t remember, he admitted.I’ll have to look on FB at my profile.
But what do you do all day?
I read the Guardian and the Independent then I go out looking for women.
Women of the Night?
No,I just like to sit in the Mall and admire women as they pass by.I don’t want to cause suffering to women.And I am diabetic so I get erectile dysfunction sometimes so it would be a waste of money in any case
Well, if there was a National Wage or better benefits these prostitutes might give up their dangerous work.They all sat looking glum as they pondered over the political scene in Britain
If we were Jews we could live in Israel
Yes, you’d have seriously think of that to as the number of anti Semitic hate crimes has gone up by about 70% this year.And what that has to do with Brexit is hard to know except all people who are of different ethnicity are also being attacked.Some people seem to think it means black people will have to leave despite the fact nowhere in Europe is there a country mainly made up of black people.And during the Empire all people in it were British citizens.
Still,I feel too old to convert.Can we get false documents to prove we are Jewish?
That’s not something I know about, said Jacob, though my name is Jewish.It is Disraeli!
Hang on a minute,cried Annie.Let’s not be too hasty.It looks like Israel is on the verge of war.Yet Jake. if you married both of us we could get in as your wives as you must be Jewish.
But we are not meant to marry Gentiles.
Well how about us being servants?
Alas, that country was never truly accepted and it has become very,very fierce.I find as well that they love arguing ,which I don’t said Mary.
Well many other people love arguing,Jake said.But it’s true it is dangerous there especially with Syria at war so nearby
Why don’t we all go out and have a salt beef sandwich and some chips instead?Or how about ringing 999 for advice? They will know about getting false passports.
Is that true,said Mary
And so ask all of us.

I was sitting in the window of a coffee shop called Joe’s

I was sitting in the window when the rain turned into snow

I saw my own reflection in the glassy window panes

When my reflection smiled at me, I thought I was insane

When I looked again there was nobody out there

Then I saw my sister she was looking very fair.

She gave me lots, of money, it was silver it was gold

She sat down here beside me, she grabbed my hand to hold.

You’ll be alright now baby because I am here with you

I was fragmented and flying, then she brought me back to earth.

Everybody’s fragile but we know what we are worth

She put me in a basket, holy Moses, where’s the Nile?

She said she got my number and she’s put it in my file.

I am happy I am sad cancer drove me mad

I felt fifty shades of grey but it’s not entirely bad.

I’m still alive I’m still alive and I will sing my songs.

So she went into the kitchen anti soaked up something wrong.

Good is bad and loss is gain. Whatever shall we do

We’re coming back with Cohen, he can sing the blues

https://www.onestopenglish.com/your-english/phrase-of-the-week-to-take-the-bull-by-the-horns/145677.article#:~:text=This%20expression%20probably%20originated%20in,and%20cowhands%20throughout%20the%20west.

Being  old is like being a child again

Is this thing I feel on my dressing gown front embroidery or is it food that I’ve dropped trying to eat my dinner in front of the television that doesn’t work?

It’s embroidery but it’s only on one side why would I think it has to be symmetrical I wonder?

Why didn’t I get rid of the television before I wonder.

If it was embroidery they would have duplicated it on the opposite side but it isn’t so maybe it’s Weetabix.

Should I have to wash it again because the last time I washed a dressing gown the zip broke. Maybe I can scrape it off or sponge it or both.

At least babies don’t worry when they wet themselves

When you have sepsis your kidneys stop working so you don’t pass any water and your blood pressure falls so you don’t need to worry about it anymore until you die of course but do you worry after your dead? If you die from  low blood pressure you can blame the doctor who put you on the medication

There’s no point worrying if you’re in hell and if you’re in heaven would you not be happy except that all your family are in hell so you’re lonely it’s a difficult thing this isn’t it having to worry about what happens when you’re dead. But it makes this thing on my dressing gown front seem less important

it is a flower embroidered on

anyway I don’t believe in heaven and hell except for states of mine while we are alive on the earth and heaven is something we feel here when we approach the great commandment to love our neighbour as ourself. Only for a few moments just for a few moment we can be in heaven when time stands still and everything expands.

Once when I was knitting I had a vision of two hands holding large knitting needles and I realized that somebody was knitting the world.

It was a very beautiful experience only to be achieved by being alone and in silence for a long time

Certainly thyroid disease and cancer can cause depression before the physical symptoms develop . It happened to both my father and my sister with lung cancer so don’t accept that it’s just depression and in any case depression itself is serious whether or not it’s caused by a physical illness.

https://www.economist.com/science-and-technology/2024/04/24/many-mental-health-conditions-have-bodily-triggers

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2002/jun/28/volunteering?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

I have always believed that if you are frightened of something inside or outside of yourself it is best to confront it. Plunge right in and find out all about it and the fear will dissipate.

Sheila Hancock

Love thinking about you.

Love,thinking about you

Love thinking,about you……

Thinking about you,love.

Thinking love about you.

You, thinking about love.

You thinking about love?

You love thinking about….

You about,thinking love?

About you,love,thinking.

About thinking,love you.

Come love,stop thinking.

How come there’s love about?

Think about it

‘Attend to what love requires of you which may not be great busyness.’

When true love’s gone and doom hangs over head

When life runs like a river to the sea

Then shall I take new lovers to my bed

And with their carnal touch consoled be?

When lovers lie and break my woman’s heart.

When life seems grey and rocks bestrew my path

. Then, shall I my life of evil start

And on the world shall I bestow my wrath?

When my love lies and wrecked all loyalty.

When puzzlement makes all the world seem mad.

Then I shall upend causality

And let myself do deeds which make me glad.

I have the fruit of love within my heart.

Sorrow will not tear me into parts

The hedge was very big but the light came through

I heard that laughter, knew that it was you

Happy sound that  surprised me with its joy

I had not heard such laughter since you died

I looked right through the hedge it had no leaves

The laughter was such comfort in my grief

Then I heard your voice you called hello

You sounded happier than I’ve ever known

Instead of a cramped coffin there was space

Everything was open with such grace.

Instead of deep black soil I saw this light

In my dreams I felt you near that night.

Instead of  tense contraction I felt free

This little dream was beautiful to me

And if I close my eyes I see it still

Though god himself had died upon a hill.

Eternal life is here on earth I knew

With such  gifts we do learn a different view

She asked the Queen Mother if the loss gets better, she replied,

‘It never gets better, but you get better at it.’

Now we are wondering if we are facing a third world war

And I’m worried about sepsis

Now the times in London is praising Kier starmer when before they despised

And I’m still worried about sepsis

Now Starmer seems to be taking on a worldwide leadership role though not quite the same as Donald Trump

And I’m still worried about sepsis

I don’t like it when they say Starmer has learnt from Trump

I wonder if Trump is worried about sepsis?

The Times is still criticizing the government for charging VAT to private schools and claiming that the teachers in private schools get such lowest salaries they’re having to take second jobs.

Don’t tell me that they have lowered their salaries and made them all frightened  of sepsis!

Now like the army with its troops we’ve got to get our immune systems into order

Otherwise we have real world sepsis or to put it in a different form we’ll have a third world war

And I might have died of sepsis

the army depends on its leaders and to some extent they can be controlled

Who can stop my immune system from over functioning and underfunctioning simultaneously leading me to have had three attacks of sepsis

But I’m still alive and I intend to be alive although whether that makes any difference I cannot tell you.

All I can say is I must be very strong but how can I bring some order into chaos and keep everything in balance and not attack the wrong targets and destroy myself

Which in a sense is what sepsis is

As far as I have discovered but for what reason have I begun to get it?

Well I really don’t know because the immune system is not under my direct personal control

Maybe this is why people pray but prayer can only give us strength it cannot directly change the world.

I will not keep thinking about sepsis

I will submit to the will of God whatever that means it’s certainly not within my willpower to prevent the third world war

Not to stop myself from getting sepsis again

All of these things are very expensive and everybody is angry about paying tax etc

The readers of the times are angry about poor people pretending to be mentally ill in order to get sickness benefits

It seems that they do not require any evidence of proof of their beliefs.

They just know everything by intuition and absolutely certain that they are right

Which is rather stupid really

Maybe their lives have been very hard so they’re jealous of the poor after all the poor don’t feel the cold so they don’t need shoes on their feet and they don’t need blankets on their beds either

A one day they might get sepsis for all I know

Live like a butterfly

Dance like a bee

Shout to the world

It’s me me me

https://www.ft.com/content/92864b81-8eea-4343-b866-f71950701e23