Day: March 18, 2025

Though all the world is stark

When my soul fell sad, you came to me

Severe  despair had fixed me to my chair.

All at once,a golden light made free

When I could not find my way to where

In my mind’s eye I saw a tunnel black

I seem to  dash towards it in my grief

I could not separate myself from this rail track.

My life was threatened by a stoney thief


In deep silence in this dark despair

Your loving kindness shone, your face was bright

Black hypnosis vanished,all was fair

I recognised your face, you were the Light.

Mysterious one who saved me from the dark

I worship  you though all the world is stark

Most sensuous most tangled with love’s grace

2018

Could it be despair that held me tight

in that February evening and the night

I could not see a way to carry on

Everything seemed dark and I was done

I saw great blackness all around myself

I could not be restored, I had no health

I had reached the end of seeking aid

God alone knew all the coins were paid

Oh gracious mysterious glowing light

That made a warm shawl round me on that night

Impressing me with kindness and goodwill

Holding me until I’d had my fill

Most sensuous, most tangled with love’s grace

Surrounding me, protecting my lost face

As if the arms of love were something real

That anyone who knew this must reveal

Only if we reach that darkest point

May the force of Love with light annoint

A year after this event

The first time that you went into a coffee shop after chemo

You told me that you could see yourself on the other wall looking back at yourself as if you were over there

I’ve never experienced that so I can’t really imagine it

But before that you went into the garden I went into the greenhouse and all of a sudden there was a terrible thunderstorm

So you were in the greenhouse for half an hour and then you came out and ran into the kitchen and your shoes were full of water!

I’m glad that you went to the coffee shop I think you sent the email from there but I’m sorry that you felt so peculiar.

I admired you for going there by yourself.

A bit later,you both went to Llandudno.

You stayed in a posh hotel

You bought  avlovely dress

You went to see your daughter’s new house at Christmas

I could understand how you wanted to see that. Other people’s home decoration and colour schemes is always been something you loved

When you saw her new baby in March you were contented and you said the baby was so placid and happy that she was easier for them to care for.

After that it all became too much for you; you felt so ill and exhausted that you decided you didn’t want to struggle any longer

So we had to say goodbye.

You had read in a magazine living with cancer is like having a loaded gun at the back of your head and you never know when someone’s going to pull the trigger and you lived for nine months after that.

The worst part was that you couldn’t sing in your choir it was very sad  it was lung cancer. You have never smoked etc but it was the polluted tone in which we grew up but why did you get it and I didn’t? It doesn’t seem fair really especially if you’ve got children and grandchildren he missed you so much

And I miss you too I miss you very much but I know that you had enough and you died with your holy beads in your hand which I had got for you.

Thank you for everything

But I know

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Today,a picture post card came here

from your sister

And you won’t see it.

I had my hair restyled

And you won’t see it.

I bought a new kitchen bin with a green lid

And it opens when one presses a button

And you won’t see it.

The manager in the coffee shop was sorry

to heat that

you have died

He gave me a free drink

and said to go in if I feel down or lost.

He said he liked you but you looked weak in the spring

And I can’t tell you.

I’ve had some roasted potatoes tonight.

You would have liked them

Mr Patel called and put his hand on my shoulder.

He said to call them any time day or night if I am in need

You did know that he came with food in the winter.

I look very pale now as my haemoglobin is only half of the normal level

I am glad you don’t know about that.

i had blood tests yesterday,so maybe I’ll get more treatment soon.

I’m happy you don’t know and also you’d miss my rosy cheeks.

I saw Alfred down the road mewing outside number 99 yesterday

and today he came here and had some milk

so he’s not a stray cat and I can’t keep him.

you’d be disappointed for me…

I mended the headboard on the bed.

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I have bought a new armchair which is bright red

andi does not match anything else

And you would not like it.Probably..

Neither do I but I can’t wait any more.

I have got some new shoes too.

What a surprise!!

I still have your ashes at home.

I don’t suppose you know that.

But I know

I know.

ECG

..

Dave runs in chased by a cat

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Art by Katherine

As Mary got ready to go out,she realised she had not combed her hair.Where were the 24 combs she had bought from Amazon?Not in her delightful red and purple shoulder bag.She pondered over what to d0
1 Use the clothes brush
2.Try a nailbrush
3 Use her toothbrush
4.Look on the floor
5.Look in all the drawers in the house
In the end she decided to pour some water over her head, put on some oil , then push her hair into the direction she wanted
She put on her red dress with a pattern of little books all over, a favourite of Stan, her late husband.Her shoes were peach coloured in homage to some artist who liked clashing colours.He was not good as an artist except for this ability to find the worst possible colours to put together.So he is known as Ned the Red and Purple
Suddenly the doorbell rang like a burglar alarm on heat.She opened the door and Dave the paramedic ran in
What’s wrong,Dave, she asked
I am being chased by a  big Siamese cat,he replied.
I can’t see  any cats, she said in  a kindly tone.Never mind,let me make you some coffee
Before she could close the door a big and lovely  cat ran in
Who are you,Mary asked him?
I am called Jeb, he told her.I like that man in the dress  so I want to ask him to adopt me.
OK said Dave.My cat died and I’ve  been too sad to  get another one.Are you  able to sleep  by me in bed
Definitely, said Jeb.It hs been my life time desire
All three sat down in the small but delightful  orange and lime kitchen watching Emile climb a tree.
I haven’t seen you lately,Dave said gently to Mary
No,I went to the hairdresser and my hair is so short it looks as if I am having chemotherapy.Still it was nice to be cossetted and it won’t need  much arranging  or blow-drying.
I suppose you could let the back grow before the winter,Dave told her
Yes, at least my head is cooler for the summer.It was hot when I went there so I assumed that would  carry on.But now it is colder.
How about wearing a hat?
Yes,I’ll ask Annie about that as she knows more about clothes than I ever shall
The phone rang startling Jeb who had been living in a field
Hello, this is Sister Mayflower from the bereavement group.
Hello,Sister.How are you?
I am worried because the other women were so unwelcoming.I have taken it over recently and recognise they are a closed group and it is 20 years since most of them were bereaved so they don’t want anyone to distress them by actually feeling sad.
Don’t worry about me.I only came because Annie my neighbour saw an advert for it and I did it to please her.
I see ,said Sr Mayflower.You can come to the Convent if you like.Just say Mayflower.
Thank you very much.Bye , bye, said Mary
Who was that, a nun? said Dave.Don’t tell me.I can guess,Several patients we’ve had have been there and were disappointed.They should call it tea and chat  except they don’t want any one new to join even in that.Odd as it is a Church based on the teachings of Jesus.Love one another.
Loving others may be harder than it sound,Mary mused dreamily
i feel much better , she said.I am playing the piano every day.I met 3 friends  for coffee and then went to the bookshop.I love sitting there looking at new books.And it’s nice not to have to cook every night
Mary got up ;oh dear, her trousers fell down
Good grief,Dave cried.You  have lost weight  and you are wearing red knickers!What next?
Yes, said Mary.Don’t you like them?
I am unsure.Shall I get some?
Just get 1 pair and see how you feel.I got mine in the Market.Otherwise Marks do purple and green ones,Mary murmured
Imagine all the old folk wondering around the  town might be wearing purple and green knickers. said Dave.It must make  washing hard as you can’t put them in the 60 degree wash.
I never thought of that, cried Mary, her blue mascara running down her face.
I’ve  read some women wear a  pair once and then throw them out
Well, they could cut them up and use them as dusters,Dave  mused.
Why not just buy dusters and wear white or beige knickers? Life is hard enought without worrying about such trivia
My mascara is melting because my eyes keep watering.
Go and sit by the potted plants and let it fall on them,Dave said scientifically
Don’t be ridiculous, she said unknowingly.

I think it is hayfever or the pollution in town.The traffic was like a plague of giant  houseflies on wheels.All stuck still.
Well flies don’t keep still,Dave said.If they did we would kill them
I guess   there’s an accident ” on the motorway so they send  the cars down here.I wish they had kept the railways open as the roads are frightening with those big lorries with cars on the back.I used to be afraid one might fall off on us,Mary remininisced, when Stan drove me to the coast
The door opened and in dashed Annie from next door.She wore a dark wine track suit with a pale pink T shirt matching her lipstick from Yves de Beauvoir  McMorris of Paris and Wigan.
Hi Dave she said.I love that dress,Is it from Marks?
Yes, he answered.I like these cotton maxi dresses  in hot weather.
I can understand that ,she whispered.Trousers  are hot and if you wash  them they need ironing.People forget we sweat more in the heat
That’s fortunate,Mary said.Otherwise we would die
And so cry all of us except Jeb.Jeb never cries

When people don’t want to be with you because you feel sad or worried

When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemena

He wanted some companion during the night but nobody was able to be with him.

I’m sure that some of us have had a similar experience.

So would a helper have said to Jesus

Why don’t you listen to some music I know the radio has not been invented yet but you are God…. So make yourself a radio and listen to music

Why don’t you turn your mind away from fear of death  I’m thinking about signing up for an art class,myself.

I know that Jews can’t worship images but there’s no harm in making some images was paint or pastels.

It might lift your mood..

Now Jesus, have you drunk enough water today? Have you had a proper meal?

(Well they had the last supper I believe.)

Don’t you think we should all go home and go to bed and have a good rest and forget about this event that’s going to happen?

Now Jesus what you need is a good holiday.

You know it’s not so far to Cyprus and it would be a break from living in this occupied territory.

The Romans have a lot to answer for.

And would Jesus have lost his temper and called out to the  disciples

Satan get thee hence.

Then somebody will just say, if you feel bad at three o’clock in the morning it’s often a sign of depression and I believe there are some new antidepressants on the market now.

Why don’t you see the doctor tomorrow and ask him can you have a free sample because there is no NHS in the holy land.

And that’s why Jesus stayed in the Garden of Gethsemane by himself because he did not like what his followers were saying to him. And it was all because they didn’t want to actually know how he was feeling: that he was sweating blood that he was afraid that he was terrified but he was going to continue on the path that he believed God had set him on.

And after all he was the son of God. So he believed and there is some evidence to favor that view.

And thus it did transpire

Author’s name to come

‘The more we can help people understand we are not suffering from disorders but struggling with living in contexts that frighten us and deprive us of essential nutrients for the mind, the more we free ourselves to discover our own compassionate courage and wisdom and build the relationships with ourselves and others that help us flourish personally, morally and spiritually. This outstanding book is a must for all, because it takes us to the heart of how to consider and address the traumas, tragedies and suffering of life. It is the future.’

Stan enjoys Purgatory

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Mary woke up on Tuesday feeling dazed.She had been dreaming of Arnold,her student boyfriend.so sweet and shy.
I wonder where he is now, she thought.Then she recalled he was in fact a world famous cancer researcher.She hoped he had found a shy sweet partner would it be better if he had found an extraverted jelly kind of wife.
Emile was yowling on the landing despite the large bowl of Superior Cat Food he was standing next to by the bookshelf
I believe that people and animals like not just to eat, but to be fed,Mary thought.Stan used to make the dinner but he always wanted her to serve.

Emile would eat his food after she stroked him.But who would stroke, Mary?This was a hard and topical question because Mary had stopped eating.However, as she was quite large, she could live for a few weeks on water only.So she mused
Mary put on a pair of purple trousers and a lomg lavender coloured top.She gazed into the mirror wondering why three hairdressers had failed to help her style her fair hair.

Now,she recalled Arnold was a Russian Jew by inheritance though he had lived in the USA all his life until taking up research into cancer at the ancient university Mary attended.

If she had married Arnold she could have pretended to be religious,converted and then worn a wig.
Annie came running upstairs.
Whatever are you doing,she yelled.It’s 11 oclock! Her make up was melting despite being Max Doctor’s All Day Creme Mousse
I was wondering if I could find a Jewish man who would marry me, purely legally, just so I could wear a wig.
What a load of tripe,Annie retorted.No wonder you’ve had no breakfast.If the man was religious he could not marry a lapsed Christian. Or an agnostic.
If you want a wig just go online.
You have no imagination,Mary answered,I spend half my time wondering what would happen if I did A,B or C.And what I might wear
And then you do D,Annie joked merrily.Or X.
Where are you going in purple trousers,she continued.You should not wear them at your age.
Do purple trousers have a meaning,asked Mary.I got them in Windsmoor’s sale for £12.
I refrained from buying a jersey jumpsuit as it looked like a burkini and I am a bit nervous now of racists coming into the open.
Very sensible ,Annie told her.I bet the French are jealous because Muslim women and certain Jewish women don’t get skin cancer nearly as often as Christian or agnostic English women.Should we convert?
I don’t think they would like it if it were only to save ourselves from cancer,Mary mused.
True,said Annie,dully

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Mary felt hot so they went into the kitchen and made some tea.Annie was wearing snakeskin pyjamas and black patent shoes.
Do you sleep in those pyjamas,Mary asked?
Oh,no.These are day pyjamas or leisure suits ,Annie smiled.They are comfy.You can get them in the market for £2.
Mary heard a strange noise

.Stan ,her late spouse ,appeared in the kitchen carrying a big leather bag,
Hello,he grinned.I’ve just come to say I have bought a detached house in Ealing.
But you are dead,Mary whispered thoughtlessly
Yes,I am a ghost but I have bought the house via Dave.I paid cash.
Why Ealing,Mary asked suspiciously
I like that song,Neasden and it’s quite near on the North Circular.And Ealing is healing!
So that’s where you’ve been while I have been grieving,Mary said.On the North Circular Road enjoying Willie Rushton’s songs as you drive
And besides, I want to re-marry and get a wig.
Well,you can get the wig,Stan told her handing her £4,000 in cash from his pocket.But don’t get married until I am in heaven
When will that be,the ladies asked.
Dunno,he cried.It’s such fun in Purgatory where the ladies are naughty but not actually evil.
And so say all the men.Ah,men

A man at the door

Mary opened the door as the bell kept ringing.There stood a clergyman in a grey wool suit and baseball cap coordinated with his Nike trainers
Hello,madam,he said suavely in a mellifluous voice
Hello,Mary answered kindly.What is your mission?
To convert the entire world to Christianity.
I am sorry,I meant what was your mission with me.But anyway, you can’t convert me.So you are a failure.It’s called a counter example in Maths.
Why can’t I convert you, he asked the blue eyed witch of Knittingham standing there in her dark Artigiano jeans, Dash striped top and a red wool stole
I like choice, she cried.I do not want a creed.
Anyway, the man told her,I just came to say I am buying a flat across the road and I wanted some opinions on the quietness of this area before I finalise my purchase.
Mioaw,went Emile in a loud shriek
Oh,Lord, what is that, a demon,the poor man asked?
It’s only my cat, she told him,why not come in for coffee and I’ll tell you about the nearest neighbours.
That is very kind of you, he said.But I might be a burglar
Oh,good,Emile purred.I’ve always wanted to meet a burglar.
Why, asked the man as he entered the beautiful hall full of spiders and Picasso prints.
You can tell me how I can get into other people’s houses, the cat told him boldly.
I want to be a cat burglar!
Come into the living room, said Mary.The room was full of books like the Encarta English Dictionary, Stanley Middleton and “How to talk so cats can hear” piled in tidy heaps.
My name is Jacob, the visitor said.I have just retired but am keen to keep converting people as Christianity is the best religion ever
I don’t really want a religion and I am unsure how you prove it’s the best
I am keener on the Hindu religion, she lied impertinently just to see if she could carry it off as Aspies can’t tell lies
Suddenly the kitchen door opened and in ran Annie, the neighbour and one time Mistress of Stan,Mary’s late and dangerous old husband
Hello,Jake, she cried as she kissed his aged cheeks fondly
I am buying a flat but I didn’t know you lived here he said politely
We met on Tinder, Annie told Mary.
What is that, a hill? I know Kinder Scout.
It’s a dating website,Annie said gently, her curving lips covered in wine coloured lip glaze which almost matched her burgundy eye shadow and purple hair.
Why did you not ask me? Mary said shyly
I didn’t think you wanted another man,Annie said pertly with a twinkle in her gorgeous red eyes.
And Jacob said he came to convert me but is it true?
No, said Jacob.I saw you in the front garden and you look so beautiful I wanted to meet you.
Thank God you are not going to shower me with Biblical quotes,Mary said.
I suppose we should admire you going straight for what you want.Although when you know me better you may not find me so attractive.
Jake’s eyes bulged with emotion.
Well, you may not find me so attractive either, he cried wiping his streaming eyes on a kleenex tissue.
Mary ran upstairs and collected Stan’s hankies
Here, use these, she told Jake soulfully
Annie brought in some hot coffee with cream
What do we older people want, she murmured quizzically.We have loved and lost but shall we love again?
Well, I shall mioawed Emile.I don’t keep thinking,I just do it.If I get a chance
Love is more than sex,Emile.We want someone who shares a few interests and likes conversation.
What are your interests, she asked Jake?
I can’t remember, he admitted.I’ll have to look on FB at my profile.
But what do you do all day?
I read the Guardian and the Independent then I go out looking for women.
Women of the Night?
No,I just like to sit in the Mall and admire women as they pass by.I don’t want to cause suffering to women.And I am diabetic so I get erectile dysfunction sometimes so it would be a waste of money in any case
Well, if there was a National Wage or better benefits these prostitutes might give up their dangerous work.They all sat looking glum as they pondered over the political scene in Britain
If we were Jews we could live in Israel
Yes, you’d have seriously think of that to as the number of anti Semitic hate crimes has gone up by about 70% this year.And what that has to do with Brexit is hard to know except all people who are of different ethnicity are also being attacked.Some people seem to think it means black people will have to leave despite the fact nowhere in Europe is there a country mainly made up of black people.And during the Empire all people in it were British citizens.
Still,I feel too old to convert.Can we get false documents to prove we are Jewish?
That’s not something I know about, said Jacob, though my name is Jewish.It is Disraeli!
Hang on a minute,cried Annie.Let’s not be too hasty.It looks like Israel is on the verge of war.Yet Jake. if you married both of us we could get in as your wives as you must be Jewish.
But we are not meant to marry Gentiles.
Well how about us being servants?
Alas, that country was never truly accepted and it has become very,very fierce.I find as well that they love arguing ,which I don’t said Mary.
Well many other people love arguing,Jake said.But it’s true it is dangerous there especially with Syria at war so nearby
Why don’t we all go out and have a salt beef sandwich and some chips instead?Or how about ringing 999 for advice? They will know about getting false passports.
Is that true,said Mary
And so ask all of us.