Day: November 26, 2024

Try our cappuccino

1.A Christian,a Jew And a Muslim were walking through the Mall looking for a Coffee Shop.
They found a new one with lots of seats so they went inside and sat down.The Jew went over to the counter and asked,do you serve Cappuccinos?
The waitress answered,not usually, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
And my two friends?
Are they Cappuccinos as well?
Well, they are people of the Book like me.
I’m sorry .I meant to give it back.Are you going to fine me?
No, give us free coffee and we’ll say no more.
2.You know all those Coffee Shops staffed by foreigners?
Yeah.
The Government is going to build 7 meter high walls around them.
So America is going metric at last!
3.How can you tell I am a foreigner?
I’ll just shout.Wanna see a foreigner!
4.Why do we fear Arabs?
Because they invented al-gebra.
5.Why is the Pope a man?
We just have to take his word for it.
6.My husband asked me,what is post-modernism?
I replied,you didn’t need to marry me just to find that out
7.My wife asked,why do my rock buns fly?
I said, because I am trying to kill that spider on the ceiling.
8.My son asked me to lend him my car for a week.
I said,it’s alright son, you can neck here at home.
What about my Oedipal conflicts?
Use PayPal instead.
9.My daughter has got big blue eyes.
Where did she get those from?
Her grandmother.
Is she dead?
Not yet but Jesus wants her whole heart.
Don’t tell me he does transplants now!
10.I want to go to the lavatory.
They have closed all the public ones.
I should think so.Who wants to be watched all the time?
You’ll have to go in the telephone box.
I only have a Nokia 105.
Didn’t I tell you to get a phablet?
I’m not smart enough to spell that!

Up the garden path

He laid me on the garden path

As if I were an egg

He told me he was filled with wrath

And then he bit my leg.

What a husband what a man

I’ll make him very sorry

And when he asks me for some bread

I’ll teach him how to worry

All the men in all the world have made me full of rage

I don’t want to repeat all this so I must turn the page

He led me up the garden Path

And then I saw a house

I said that I would live with him

But then I saw a mouse

I saw one,I saw 15,I saw 900 more

If I see another mousr I’ll kill them by the score

A man is hard to understand

I cannot get their measure

If I find another one I’ll learn him my leisure

There is no point in speeding up the processes of life.

And with these words she disappeared , she was no one’s wife.

He said I can keep the box

Mary was in the teal coloured kitchen of her almost detached house making a jam sponge pudding when the doorbell rang.She wiped her hands on her new purple trousers because she didn’t want to dirty a clean towel.
She found her colleague Dr Rosa Benchez standing nervously outside shivering
Come in , Mary cried.

Would you like a cup of tea? You need to sit by the fire and get warmer
I’d love that, Rosa said politely but distantly
A few minutes later they were sitting looking out of the bay window watching a blackbird sitting on the fence;they hoped it would start to sing
May I talk to you,Mary? I have got rather more agitated than ever before

.I am wondering if I need counselling or maybe shooting, she joked morosely
OK,said Mary cautiously.Has anything unusual happened ?
Yes, my sister has had her driving license taken away because of big panic attacks she had crossing the Humber Bridge …. you know how huge it is.She got out of the car and screamed,Help! Help!
That was dangerous with so much traffic about
She is furious and says we live in a Nazi state and is writing to the Times
Well, it can happen that you lose your licence,Mary said,but when she has learned to deal with the attacks she can re-apply and get her license back.Simple things like not eating and being tired can bring that on so I have heard.And fear of fear, too.
As well as that,Rosa said,my son has got a recurrence of cancer and is going onto some new drug-type chemo.My ex husband is very distressed and so am I as it was unexpected.
And even worse my new fiance Prof. Charlie Blogge has broken off our engagement with no reason.I can’t think of any at all.Shall I ever trust a man again?
He said I can keep the ring which is a blue sapphire ,supposedly, but when I had it valued they said I was mistaken and you can buy them on amazon for £57 and less.
So she took off the ring and hurled it into Mary’s coal fire where it looked very nice as it got hotter and hotter glowing like a lighthouse off Portland Bill in a sea storm or a banger about to explode

Good grief, said Mary.No wonder you are agitated.We may have to phone Dave the bisexual lovable paramedic available on the NHS 24 hours a day.Or we could have our hair permed and dyed red instead, she murmured to herself
Which of these events bothers you most,Rosa? She continued gently while hoping she would cope.
It is my own feelings that worry me most.I wake up feeling very sad and nervous;I wonder if I am having a breakdown.Then I feel worse as I turn it over in my mind trying to decide what to do.Then I get up and get food into me and think it all over and over again while drinking my tea.
Well, you know it is normal to feel sad, anxious or distraught when bad things happen,Mary told her.
But most people look happy when I see them in the town , Rosa shouted angrily
That is because being outside they put on a mask.They could be feeling worse than you.Anyway, why bother about that? We are all different.Some people think I am very calm but they don’t see me when I’m not.I go stiff like a piece of wood.Then I pass out
So what do you do? Rosa asked her nervously,twirling a golden ringlet around her finger as she watched her engagement ring melt in the fire.
I don’t do anything,Mary said.This is one of the fundamental errors in our society that action is needed for so many things and especially for negative feelings.But it’s usually part of life.Things pass.
I pretend I have a big round box inside me and I let the anxiety live in there nice and cosy until my mind has absorbed and dealt with the pain.Once my box was quite small but it has grown bigger now and so it has room for mad or bad feelings.I do little tasks and listen to music.
Then if I feel really bad I listen to Leonard Cohen and tell myself, he had it worse.But he made money out of it! Not that you can make money out of yours. though it’s worth musing about
Well,Rosa replied.Thank you,Mary.I am glad I am not the only one who feels so anxious sometimes.I shall try to get a box like yours.
You are welcome,said Mary jovially.Come round on Sunday for tea.Emile is out hunting but he loves to see you and so do I
The women hugged cautiously and Rosa went out looking less cold and nervous as she bravely carried her box away .It was invisible to the people walking nearby

NYTimes: The Problem With ‘Elites’ May Not Be What You Think It Is

The Problem With ‘Elites’ May Not Be What You Think It Is https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/07/opinion/elites-blm-police.html?smid=nytcore-android-share

Life is the meaning of life

It’s not natural for the sun to be level with my eyes

I’m walking down the street alongside the full bushy trees

The green is the rain that fell through the summer

And the sun that burnt at the end of July and early August

When rioters tried to burn hotels full of refugees

When they’re in prison they won’t need to look for work

What’s it like to be an asylum  seeker

In a place where they try to kill you?

Even when they don’t kill you they keep you waiting months and months

You’re not really a victim with torture are you? That’s what happens in your country it’s normal.

His mouth is full of stones and he can’t swallow

You have no power when you are an asylum seeker.

Why did they invent that term I wonder?

People don’t actually analyze what it means

Then they call them illegal immigrants but if they were illegals they would be in prison waiting to be sent back to their own country

A refugee may get 35 pounds a week to buy food and to pay a bills although can they pay bills if they’re not actually registered at the address?

We should be glad that we pay bills because it means we live here in the house or flat

We’re officially living here on the local council knows though

The government knows and the police know and the income tax people know

So be pleased that you’re paying income tax because it means you’re a resident and you’ve got a job as well.

So many things to be grateful for when you think about it

Mainly in the first place that we are alive

And we are not being tortured and we can’t hear the  voices of those who are.

Would you believe if you were that person?

I would find it very difficult I’m sure.

Strange how when we don’t respect people we compare them to animals or even insects

Animals and insects and the cats and dogs  are not as cruel as people.

I envy ants and wasps

Even though they don’t pay income tax I still envy  them.

Would I like to buzz around are being the orders of the CD wasps wearing the stripe yellow and black coat probably not…

Ants care for each other. Life is a puzzle which is never solved.

Is the meaning important?

Sometimes being alive is the meaning it’s enough of a meaning

If you feel alive in your body you don’t need a meaning.

Life must be the meanings

In between two raindrops

Some evenings, the sky turned pink

We were happy, lying in the grass

watching the sun set,

arms around each other.

Seemed like eternal life had come

Earlier than forecast
.
Those weathermen are often wrong!

They need new training.

I shall remember you

in that timeless moment

in between two raindrops,

in between two tears