Stan and Mary were sitting on the patio in the damp heat of August.Emile was draped round Stan’s shoulders looking like a stole.Suddenly the door bell rang.It is aways sudden to the old Mary got up and hoped her voile summer dress was not transparent as she walked the door nervously There on the new Porch stood Stan’s cousin Arthur who had disappeared 30 years earlier I thought you were in the USA, she cried in amazement and shock I came back last summer,he told her informatively Come in, she told him and they both appeared on the patio giving Stan a shock, though it was not electric I’ll make some tea, she told the men,even though I am a woman. Stan spoke briefly to Arthur, as if he were speaking through the window of the Flying Scotsman departing from its home country Hi,Art, I’ve got to go out in few minutes Art stared at him before shouting I don’t believe it, a fox fur was bad enough but to wear a dead cat as an accessory is beyond the Pale. Stan went red with anger Emile is still alive,he cried That makes it even worse, said Art But he likes to sleep there if he can Oh,I am sorry.I have got a UTI and it’s making me demented.Art answered nastily I thought he was tied round your neck, he continued merrily He would bite me if he were tied there,Stan said wisely That’s possible,Arthut murmured nervously.I have had a breakdown and I am not very calm In future, think for longer before attacking someone,Stan said insensitively Alright, said Art.But at my age I might forget to remember and I could break down again Mary cut the lemon sponge cake with a pair of barbers’ scissors, ignoring Art’s plea for help Try this, she muttered,as she poured the tea from a coffee pot of china What are those scissors for,Art enquired.We used a cake knife at home till Brenda died I can cut my hair with them but they are good for other things Is it legal,her cousin in law asked? Do you think we need to ask for legal advice?Is there a law about scissors? Stan stood up,I’ve had enough What of,Mary asked. I’ve not seen Art for 29 years and we are quarreling already Old habits die hard, said Mary calmly Monks’ habits, said Art in wonder? All sorts of habits like chewing your nails and smoking Are they alive? I suppose it’s a metaphor,Mary said ponderously. It means change is hard, on the whole Yes, people are cracking up at the thought of Lockdown ending, Stan sighed. Everything that happens now is a trauma or is abuse, his cousin said furiously Well, maybe it was before but we weren’t allowed to mention it Emile woke up and stretched It’s Twitter and FB, he mewed.People with no knowledge of an issue write as if they are experts and then other people believe it Like already people are saying they don’t believe Meghan Markle could be depressed when pregnant.Yet there is evidence that pre-natal depression exists or at least anxiety about looking after a baby can worry many people A woman drowned herself recently in the reservoir as she was terrified of giving birth and the pain Well said,Emile,shouted Art.I think we can be friends No, you can’t,Stan told him in a cruel tone I never want to see Art ever again. Shall I take all the pictures down, said Mary What are you talking about? Well, they are Art! Women, why are they so clever? And so say all of us
Mary was sitting feeling quite lonely in the waiting room outside the doctor’s office when she saw Emile hiding under a chair.. What are you doing,she whispered.I’m glad of your company I jumped into your cab, the cheeky cat informed her proudly I want to be there when he examines you. Don’t worry,she answered,they always have a chaperone nowadays. Just then a pretty young black nurse took Mary into a room and said to her Take off your underpants,please! I don’t wear underpants,said Mary,but I can go home and get my husband’s if you want me to. We use underpants as a generic term,the nurse informed her in a kindly yet menacing voice. Wow,they are so intelligent nowadays,I don’t think I knew what generic meant till recently Mary told herself stupidly thinking of the hours she had spent trying to grasp infinitesmally small numbers as they flew by. I have no underpants,Emile mewed.peevishly. No and I am not making you any.I have quite enough washing to do already.Mary responded thoughtlessly yet maturely imagining Emile wearing a three piece suit. It’s not fair, said Emile.All my friends have underpants and T shirts too.Why not me? But the doctor came in and looked nervously at Mary and at her female parts. Mary was used to this but all of a sudden she got a nasty pain when he opened the speculum out Ow,ow,ow,she shrieked,what is that pain I got? It’s ok,said the nurse,just old ladies are not used to this sort of thing. I’ll have you know many older ladies are very used to sexual activity and joy but not when they are unaroused .Besides men’s organs are usually kinder than metal or plastic if and only if the lady is willing.Can’t you put more lubricant on the damned thing The doctor tried to remove the speculum but was clearly agitated. Ouch,cried Mary.Ouch.It hurts still! Thank goodness I didn’t know it would hurt.Do you think we should be shown a romantic arousing film in the waiting room to make it easier for the doctor? We can’t do that,said the nurse.We might be accused of running a brothel. But the doctor is not paying me,said Mary.I am paying him, in a sense,as a taxpayer. You are too clever for me,said the nurse sharply I shall bring a vibrator next time,Mary told her,though she had neYou can’t bring a vibrator or the doctor will be angry as he might be accused of misconduct if you enjoyed yourself, the nurse whispered I thought it was only misconduct if he enjoyed himself,Mary cried loudly He has seen so many ladies, it is just like seeing into a mouth for him,said the nurse churlishly. I expect one gets used to anything in time,Mary murmured,but I hope he will not do that again to me. No, you seem ok,the doctor said,but I seem to imagine I see a cat under the table.What is he doing? I am just keeping an eye on you,mewed Emile.I live with Mary. No animals are allowed in here ,the doctor shouted. A bit late now,mewed the cat.Are you sending for the cat police? Dr.Grey picked up a very large speculum and threatened to strike Emile. Now then,said the nurse, he might scratch my legs.Leave him alone.He’s just protecting her. Fat lot of good he was,Mary thought. The doctor approached Mary and told her she would be seeing a consultant soon… in the meantime should she do anything to prepare… she asked. Well, do try to relax if you can, he told her gently.It is trying for ladies of riper years to attend hospitals but we only want to help you. I’ll have to help myself,Mary thought wryly as she got down off the table and put on her red and purple knickers or “underpants” as they are now referred to as. Thank God,that is over,she whispered to Emile.Let’s run out and get a cab. She hobbled to the door and phoned the taxi firm with her mobile.I just want to get home she told the driver. Don’t we all, he said in an Eton accent.Surely it’s not David Cameron in disguise canvassing patients?Thank God he’s not conducting pelvic exams on them!That would lose him the election whether he was any good or not… in my view,but then what do I know about the British electorate?
My Irish accent was so bad it perforated UIster I asked for Chicken Kerry not a Dead Duck Do we really need Cork with everything? I have Celtic feet not sweltering heat I said,Donegal, not, don’t call I said Castlebar not how far I want a trim to my hair,Antrim I spy I said Dublin, not “love in” I said we went to Howth not I swore an oath I said Nelson’s column not “hell is coming” Where is County Teeth and why not Meath? That’s a relief from belief I like Tralee but does it like me? Why is the Spanish lady Irish?
How my heart sings 