Britain when Boris Johnson was pm

A defiant Boris Johnson [ ah, the poor wee toddler]
will use this weekend’s Tory [ who is it this weekend?]
conference in Manchester to double [ maths again]
down on his “peoplev parliament” rhetoric, [Ancient Greek]
after a tumultuous week [you don’t say]
in which he was accused [go to Confession]
of dangerously [ could it ever be safely?]
inflaming political tensions. [ do you mean tendons?]

Downing Street insiders insist [ to whom]
they have not been blown off course [ it’s those winds of change]
by the furious condemnation of Johnson’s
repeated use
of the phrase “surrender bill” [Is this a Western?]
to describe the backbench Benn Act. [ a comedy of terrors]

Instead, they claim they will use the [so do I, THE poet]
party conference to drive [what licence!]
home their “Get Brexit [I prefer porridge]
Done” slogan, launch [ a lifeboat?]
a string of manifesto-friendly policies – [ manifestly?]
and attack Jeremy Corbyn
as too weak [ ahaaha]
to lead Britain.

Johnson’s unapologetic stance comes \\
[ plenty of climaxes today]
after [ it sure does]
Amber Rudd joined the chorus [ as a contralto]
of condemnation against his aggressive use [ah, men]
of language, saying she was [ like Gd]
“disappointed and stunned”, [ a fine state]
and warning it could incite
violence against opponents.[ is it not meant to?]

The prime minister still hopes to press ahead [ he can borrow my steam iron]
with somehow securing a Brexit
deal in the brief
window remaining be [ can a window be brief or wear briefs?]
before the 17 October European Council
– and push it through parliament, [ come on Sisyphus]
against the backdrop of political turmoil. [get North Sea Oil]

Despite the horror [ exaggerated?]
with which many Labour MPs
greeted Johnson’s bellicose performance [ ballet to harm]
in the Commons on Wednesday, No 10 still
believes there will be intense pressure [ torture]
on those MPs who represent leave constituencies [ bad grammar]
to support a deal.[ why can’t it support itself, like I do

“If we came back with a Deal, [We have one near Dover]
I think there would be real political pressure ;[ not in my blood]
to really push through: if you’re in a Brexit seat,[what a bum]
do you really want to go into an election [No]
having rejected Brexit?” { I shall eat Weetabix]
the government [Ahahahahahaha]
Source [what, of the Thames?]
Said. [President of Egypt who made peace with Israel and was shot]

Excuse me Madam, are you Muslim

A day in town

Just after leaving Cafe Nero we saw some police approaching.
Excuse me. madam,.Are you Muslim?
No.I always wear cotton in hot weather.Unless I am making cheese.
Sorry. he said.How do you worship?
I think you need a Rabbi to tell you that
So you are Jewish?
No.you are,kind sir.,
How do you know,he said in wonder.I have no kippah on
As you have a big hat on like Leonard Cohen ~I deduced you were another of those Cohens.They are all descebded from Aaron,you know. He was Moses’ brotherThere must be a few hundred of you.
I fear you have made a logical error,madam.
As long as I don’t make an error of the heart,I don’t bother about logic.I said jauntily
Surely we need both a heart and a head,he asked me questioningly.
Definitely,but why are you here? I demanded politically
That’s what God said to Elijah on the mountain, he murmured
And what did Elijah say,I enquired superstitiously
I heard you calling me.
Oh,Lord

You want to share British culture?

This is not me

How to look and be Bringlish

If you go to a friend’s for supper, never take a bottle of water or wine.Never turn water into wine and never get shrunk even if he is a psychoanalyst

Wash your clothes but don’t iron them
Go out in only a T shirt and jeans at night in winter.
Go to A and E as much as you can except when you have acute coronary syndrome or sepsis
Old grey /beige anoraks look good on most “English” people
Never wear a red hat.They might think you are Father Christmas
Wear skirts that show your thighs off or leggings that show everything off.Saves men buying soft porn.But do not charge.
Do wear crop tops and low rise jeans especially in winter.
Jeans with rips are perfect for old ladies.Rip them yourself.
[Teach Yourself How to Rend your Garments £4.99 my e book’]
Wear thick padded down coats in the summer.
Never wear a summer dress unless you are a man
Never wear petticoats and other lingerie unless you are a man
Wear a T shirt saying: Anti-Semitic, moi? while touring Oxford looking for pubs
Wear a T shirt saying: Belgians, go back to Congo..
Wear a T shirt saying: Take that French Leave now
Wear a T shirt saying: No sprechen Sie Deutsch/Believe me.Nein.Ten,When?
Wear a T shirt saying: I feel Rubbish/I feel your pane/I just feel you.
Wear a T shirt that says :I Luv money/I have an oyster card/I have no bike to get on.
Wear a T shirt saying: I want leave to commit crime/I want Remain to leave./I want leave to Remain.
Wear a T shirt that says: Educated in Burton, can’t spell
Wear a T shirt saying: Och aye, President Rump!
Make sure your hair is exposed— both head and pubic.
I don’t understand either but they keep saying, where are you from?
I say, here. But somehow they don’t believe me.Yet.
I am getting my T shirt tomorrow.It says: I’m a Viking and I don’t care.What’s your problem?

I never sent

Wrapped up in my thoughts I did not see
The sunlight on the leaves,the russet tree.
I did not see the berries and the birds
Are they quiet, or is it I’ve not heard?
Far away yet not in reverie
No guide nor light appeared nor called to me
I smelled the damp green leaves I could not see
Entangled in the knots of wild old words
I lost my mind in wondering what you meant
In all those little notes you never lsent
The angst,the fear the ego off its throne
The knife that cuts, the breaking of the bones

When he couldn’t eat

I don’t want to walk to the front room
Can I have my dinner on a tray?
I wept inside for he could hardly eat
So thin I thought his backbone might well break
I’ll get you a small table, honeybun
Just a mo, I’ll put the oven on
I want a steak ,he called another day
If he could eat it I would be God’s prey
I can’t chew it, pet, my stomach’s full
The fluid from the blood, I knew it well
The valve is furred, his blood is being pushed back
Fills his inner organs swells and racks
I was almost paralysed and stunned
Putting him to bed was quite a pun
Then he woke up from a little sleep
Spoke to me in words so clear and sweet
You have a personality so bright,
The sun must envy you your brilliant light
After that he scarcely used his words
We did not need to speak, it was absurd

When he was in the last few weeks of his life he became very critical of himself and of me. But that day he woke up from a sleep and criedYou have a brilliant personality then he went to sleep again. We didn’t talk very much because we didn’t seem to need it as long as we were present with each other in our bodies and hearts.