Answering machine

Please call back after I rise from the bed
I am not here.Well,I am now but I won’t be when you call.
When you hear the pips,squeak.
Do you want to leave a message?Annoying isn’t it?
Would you kindly email me.I am deaf.
Did you want a chat? Well,I don’t.Especially if it is UHU
If you see me,please don’t say anything.I don’t know you.
My mother said not to speak to strange men.If you are well known leave your message after the moan
If that is the doctor,i feel in the pink.If not,I am feeling numb all over.
If you are from soul mates,.go back where you came from.
If you fancy women,I am a hermaphrodite.
Don’t try selling me anything.I am very evil.It’s my eye.
Kindly tell your lies to your own answering machine.