Jack had just taken early retirement from his job as a maths researcher in Knittingham University. His large collection of maths books was overwhelming the home he shared with his excitable, chic and sharp-tongued French wife Simone.
Simone was still working at the university cleaning computers heads all day long.. so she claimed. Now she was hoping that she and Jack could do more entertaining…..if only he would get rid of some of the books! No-one could climb over them to get into the dining room unless they had climbed the Alps in early life.
After Simone left for work wearing pink cord trousers and a dark blue denim knit jumper with a long lasting beige foundation from Max Factor covering her red face, and blue mascara to match her jumper not to mention her blue and black striped leather trainers.
Jack gave the cat, Louisa, a hot bath in goat’s milk. Now instead of being grey she was cream coloured!
I’ve been dyed, she shrieked politely but Jack never replied…he was daydreaming….
He pondered, as he dried her what to do with all his maths books. He had thought of making a large collage but who would want it?
Or he could donate them to the university or have a fire in the back garden.

Suddenly he looked up and saw a very charmingly pink-faced woman peering into the window.
It was his neighbor Kim whose husband had disappeared last year, possibly inside a wheelie bin, though no-one was sure.

Hello, Kim, did you want me?” he cried nervously… only realizing the double entendre too late

.
I thought you might like some company for morning coffee. What a pretty cat………..what is her name?”

Louisa was wary of Kim. Maybe the purple trousers and orange jumper might give the cat an epileptic fit… she was a sufferer, just like St Paul. She hoped to be converted but so far was disappointed. She longed to see a vision of cat food in the sky.

Can cats go to Mass? she miaowed to Jack.
Yes, but they can’t have Communion, he responded shyly.
Well, we don’t eat bread but I love wine!

I’ll mention it to the Pope next time I see him, Kim said with a roguish smile. Her make up looked to be waterproof as the drip in the ceiling was right above her head and heavy rain was falling.

But first Louisa, you would have to confess your sins. All your sins
I never did a thing wrong, the cat replied haughtily.
Well, you know the Church is only for repentant sinners,so if you never sin, you can’t repent…
so it follows indubitably that you can’t join the Church!I studied Aristotle once that’s why I get all logical with emotion.I only wish I’d got to Wittgenstein.I could have loved that man….though now I seem to recall he was gay…still, who knows perhaps I could have charmed him?

If that were true about the Church, would Jesus be allowed to join?
Certainly not. He was perfect and also he was Jewish. So why would he want to join the Christian church?
As he began it, he might like to see its holy life, Louisa purred loudly.
Really, I think this is a very odd conversation murmured the parrot, Felix Semper.

Not so odd, responded a tall dark man who just appeared from nowhere.
I am called Jesus he said, but I’m from Malaga.
In Spain many men are called Jesus, he continued mellifluously.
Is that so, cried Kim murmured tenderly
I never met Jesus before.If you married me it would give people a shock if I said I was married to Jesus! she whispered loudly behind her hand.

Marry you! Is it leap year? Women have never proposed to me before.
I was just thinking out loud, she replied demurely.
Nuns used to be married to Jesus and wore a silver wedding ring.
I was educated at a convent school. That’s why I’m so very neurotic.

Are you really neurotic? Jack, screamed uninhibitedly
I have a whole shelf of books by Karen Horney here.Self Analysis is just one.
I could give it to you now….

Not in front of Jesus, she muttered chastely.
Have you no moral feelings?
No, I’ve never had any feelings of any sort. but it’s done me no harm.
I’ll ask Simone when she gets back, we’ll see if she agrees!
I’m just like a computer with a human body.
I sometimes think I’d like a suit of silver armour.
Bless you, my child, Jesus murmured kindly.

When they looked up the tall dark man was gone.
They looked around but he had left no footprints.
Should we call the police? He came in with no permission!
How disgraceful.
How dastardly.
How disgusting
How damnable.
How divine.
How dumb.
How deplorable.
Soon they murmured until it was time to cook lunch..
Sardines on toast for three… surely they could have fed Jesus with some loaves and fishes…that’s what he liked