To all intensive purposes, I seem human

To all intensive purposes I seem human
Never say, lie
Butter would not  cast spells on a mouse.
When times are hard you find out who your concealed friens are
What Higgins-Bose particle is that?
What’s mechanical  about quanta?
And what’s so  special about serendipity?
I am  very particular about my waves,
Wittgenstein’s habits were not Monk’s
Russell found mathematics  has no foundations
There is no absolute proof.
Algebra was invented by Arabs.But there’s no need to be cruel.They are very clever
Zero as a symbol for nothing was invented by Indians long before the British Empire
We invented lightbulbs  but not the shades.
We must forsake the rough and get smooth.

The door was broken down

adorable animal animal world cat
Photo by Pixabay on


I got my hand stuck in the cat flap.It was more like a mouse flap! But the problem was how could I escape?How to  free myself
With my left  hand  I broke the glass door to let the cat in.Felix  looked very disdainful.I grabbed the dried cat food and shook a little onto the floor while I considerd my predicament.
I got my mobile out and rang 999.The firemen had to break the front door down to get in and release me.I had to have two new doors put in.Blimey,I’m  broke
Next time she goes away,I won’t offer my services.That is unless she marries me first.But then I’d be away  with her.
The solution is to take Felix along as well.

When will the prime minister resign?

Why do politicians have no shame
Resigning is the last thing on their minds
Someone else will have to take the blame

Oh,Theresa May has lived up to  her name
Caught us all up in a double bind
Why do politicians have no shame?

I guess she ‘ll  win some double edged  fame
While the  limping  lean  too heavily,unkind
Someone else will have to take the blame

Yet here we reach the very end of games
Unreachable in Amazon’ s decline
Why do politicians have no shame?

Democracy is running out of time
When will the prime minister resign?
You or I , who next will take the blame?

All these machinations are a crime
Racism, stabbings shootings, up they climb
Why do politicians have no shame
Some outcast group will  suffer and be blamed.



It comes and goes like waves do on the beach

I wonder how I’d feel  from day to day
If I knew not prime numbers and their play
If I’d never heard of “e”  and “pi”
And still believed  that God lived in the sky

Even though I’ve not  done maths for years
I fall into  brown studies next to squares
Ellipses please me  with their enclosed space
Sequential numbers  tilt my mind to  grace.

Calculus is nonsense in its way
Where nothing re-appears to  our dismay
It comes and goes like waves do on the beach
Where men would stand up on a box to preach.

Ah,shall I never know my other life
Where to the grace of words I  would be wife?




Reasons for divorce

blenheim2019-2He reads a dictionary in bed
He  uses real hankies
He never says anything when he comes home from work
He is too talkative in bed
He thinks  women are born knowing how to bake
He looks like Jordan Peterson
He looks like Einstein
He looks unhappy all the time
He is too young for me.
He only has a bath at Xmas

She reads a thesaurus in bed
She can’t write letters with a real pen
She keeps screaming in bed when I am trying to sleep
She only likes sex at Xmas
She has a better job than I do and she tells everyone
She can’t  find her sense of direction.
She wears lipstick at the Dentists
She wears wincyette nightgowns in summer
She sleeps with her bra on.
She sleeps dressed for work
She marks exam papers in bed
She does mental arithmetic  when I kiss her.

We are bored

Gone tomorrow

img_0291-1So goodbye  to  Theresa May
Gone tomorrow
Here today
Shy and sly and all too tense
Geography’s no recompense
Keep out trespassers like me
Persecute the Zuiderzee
Send me back to where I’m from
Cut me up and suck my thumb
Eyes are Nordic, hair  is too
I am now  an Irish Jew
The Armada’s ship  did sink
Sephardic Spanish Jews  I think
Married for their  handsome looks
Hair as black as any duke’s
So the Irish people are
Celtic,Jewish,   shout Hurrah!
I think I’ll get a  passport new
Move to Mayoh, seas of blue.
Let me find a lover there
They marry late, how do they dare?
They were poor so I am here
Grey with dust  and  white with fear


How Palestinians keep warm

architecture building daylight dome
Photo by Mauricio Artieda on


How Palestinians Keep Warm

Choose one word and say it over
and over, till it builds a fire inside your mouth.
Adhafera, the one who holds out, Alphard, solitary one,
the stars were named by people like us.
Each night they line up on the long path between worlds.
They nod and blink, no right or wrong
in their yellow eyes. Dirah, little house,
unfold your walls and take us in.

My well went dry, my grandfather’s grapes
have stopped singing. I stir the coals,
my babies cry. How will I teach them
they belong to the stars?
They build forts of white stone and say, “This is mine.”
How will I teach them to love Mizar, veil, cloak,
to know that behind it an ancient man
is fanning a flame?
He stirs the dark wind of our breath.
He says the veil will rise
till they see us shining, spreading like embers
on the blessed hills.

Well, I made that up. I’m not so sure about Mizar.
But I know we need to keep warm here on earth
And when your shawl is as thin as mine is, you tell stories.

Naomi Shihab Nye, “How Palestinians Keep Warm” from Red Suitcase.Copyright © 1994 by Naomi Shihab Nye. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, Inc., on behalf of BOA Editions, Ltd.,


blenheim2019-1Mary was up half the night suffering from diarrhoea which she could not even spell. Eventually she managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling drained of energy.She had had no meal the previous night ,please accept a pot of yoghurt.

when she got up she put her clothes on on top of her nightdress and did not even get washed which is very hard.  Her poor cats have been terribly worried. Yes Mary now has two cats as her old cat Emile  was feeling lonesome without his father Stan.

Are you alright mother they’re meows nervously.

I think so. I don’t know what brought that on unless it was my arthritis tablets. if it’s not one thing it’s another I don’t know where I’m coming or going. but never mind I will give you your breakfasts  and you can go out into the garden and learn about all the intriguing spots where spiders make their webs

Can we not go into the shed  mother?

how are you? could you ?it’s I don’t know what you’re going to find me in there it’s a long time since I’ve been in it mysel.I’m afraid of falling

What a pity that the two cats are so small they cannot lift Mary up if she falls over. what kind of animal would be the most useful in that respect?

perhaps a st. Bernard dog  but the cats wouldn’t like that very much.

how difficult life is Mary was weeping as she sipped a cup of weak tea.

 I will probably feel better in a few days. I have got to send a card to a sick friend today and I probably feel more sick than he does but never mind I am determined To live for another 10 years at least  by then my pension will be not worth very much. but on the other hand was the savings accounts giving so little interest is it worth not spending your money?

Life was hard enough before the referendum but now it is a nightmare

One of Mary’s friends shouting at her down the phone or where is a matter of fact  Mary did not vote because she could not bring herself to go for the polling station without her late husband  Stan. I will have to get married again she told herself otherwise I’m not going to be able to vote and that will be dreadful. although with this pride of idiots running the country does it matter who you vote for?

Democracy is not what we thought it was. if he says he’s stupid  and he’s been to Oxford what are we to believe? like he went to Eton and then to Christchurch and then into the city what on earth are there other people like you did not have these advantages. on the other hand it might be the very advantages which are making people stupid.
I often find the Sainsbury’s delivery men are far more intelligent than my friends who have been to university. at least the uneducated have not had their mind ruined by learning things they do not understand like calculus and non Euclidean geometry.

parrot learning  …….who was the man with rubbish  in his head …..why it’s bias can you believe it

I thought it must be Moses but he lived too long ago. if he did exist.

How do you know whether to believe what is in the Bible?

Oh for goodness sake mother, have some breakfast cried Susie. I know you feel unwell but it will pass

suddenly the door opened and in Iran Annie the ex mistress of Stan. she come up with a mistress of a ghost  and Annie was wearing some peach coloured trousers and a brown and orange striped woolen jumper  with matching hair screen from the Photoshop

I’m going up to London and she told  them.

why      shouted. Mary. what is wrong with knitting Ham?

I just feel like a change of scene and you do not look well enough to accompany me

that is so true said Mary. I am so weak I  can understand that

Would you like me to buy you a gift?

yes please I would like a rubber with  a Union Jack printed on it

and a flag of Ireland the Republic I mean.

are you going to hang yourself as a window.

no I am going to hang the flag out of the window

do you think that’s safe because Ireland will still be in the EU oh well  get a flag of Russia

they are not in the EU. is Russia in Europe or Asia?

No don’t bother about that  let me make your bed so you can lie down again until I return



Voice technology

flat lay photography of macbook pro beside paper
Photo by on

Hello how is this the microphone is not working I mean the external microphone because I’ve got the cold and the Jack but I think there’s a little piece that should keep on to it and I’ll put it on my table  on the keyboard of a laptop but unfortunately it must have fallen off and I can’t find it but it must be near me somewhere so I don’t understand why I can’t find it but maybe because I’m feeling sad maybe my eyes are not working properly and I should leave it until another time

I was talking to my sister about poetry and it was really interesting she mentioned that her husband have been called for jury service in March but he constantly falls asleep she was wondering how he would manage listening to the lawyers and the judge I will just have to wait to see


New line I wish I wish that we were going away somewhere although when I say we take for letting that I’m on my own now so I should listen to

Thank you very much for suggestions  voice technology. I fit all Boogie Documents although I may need an external microphone especially to the Chromebook as the microphone does not have settings which can be altered it only has the level of the sound produced . … it’s  only a wooden Windows laptop there are more options and settings but even now it says we are having trouble hearing you try and move into a fireplace hole using an external microphone and I my voice sounds quite loud to me so I don’t know why they can’t hear it however I have discovered that I think speak more quickly um this technology seems to prefer it because it doesn’t simply try to type in Word that you say but it tries to make sense of it after work located in a sentence and what its relation to you and then that is something really you mention anything that sounds alright iPhone then it will put iPhone evening you say my phone my sister that will put iPhone my sister quite often I supposed it may be programmed with the most commonly used words or the most modern words um I don’t know how it was very is one was to buy some special software a bit reluctant to spend a lot of money when I don’t know if I still use it but it’s only when it’s working this is very good
It’s scene some surprises about people alone


 Where vultures used to roost


bird austria salzburg vulture
Photo by Pixabay on


She was built like a brick shithouse

Ya, born with a silver spoon in her mouth

Her momma was like an old brown mouse

And her pa was just a slimy stuck up louse.



She was built like an old doghouse

On the top, sharp eyed vultures used to roost

Her brother has gone for a Dead Sea cruise

Her sister wants to let all hell break loose.


She was in for life with those smart  sharp spooks

A creepy horror in every nook

Her ma never learned her how to cook

She ain’t never even read a single book.


No aphrodisiac ain’t of much use

When the true Furies are on the loose.

Do what you can to cook thet goose

Ain’t so good to blow your own fuse.


No,those Furies are on the ball

They come looking for us one an’ all.

Keep  face hid and ego small…

What’s thet dark shadow on your wall?

Stan’s meets his M.P.


For Mike,my brother 

Stan was thinking of going to an Evening Class.He got a brochure from the public library but there was not much in it.As he was sitting in his conservatory brooding restlessly over this he saw a looming shape pass by.It was Annie, his neighbou,r wearing a big rucksack.
“Annie,you are usually dressed in a fashionable and stylish even modish manner.Whence the rucksack?”
“Oh,well,you’re out of touch.Rucksacks are the new handbags according to Prada.”
“Is Prada that young lady who has just taken the flat over the florist’s?”
“No,you nincompoop,Prada is an Italian Fashion Company”.
“I think Prada would make a good name for a cat or Prado if he was a male cat.What do you think,Emile?Would you like to be called Prado?”
“Definitely not.” miaowed Emile loudly.”Prado is too full of consonants for me.I don’t like “P.”
“He sayeth not P but doeth it,just as the Prophet foretold” Stan murmured merrily to Annie.”What are you doing?” she asked him pointedly.
“I’m choosing an Evening Class but there are not many on offer.I wanted to learn Pilates but maybe I’m too old and stiff!”
“We could go to a private class in the Conservative Club.”
“I can’t go in there,not even to learn Pilates.”
The doorbell rang.It was their local M.P. Andy Pandy.
“Good evening,Sir.”
“It’s only 10 am,”Stan said rudely.
“Wait I want to record your words.”

“Why is that?”
“I may be able to sell them on-line.”
“Oh,no.That’s unlikely.I’m only a glove puppet!”
“That wasn’t what you said before the Election” Stan whispered to him.
“Well.I didn’t realise then.I thought I was a human being.”
“Like David Cameron once did?”
“Yes,only I don’t speak so posh.”
“But do you think he is a glove puppet too?”
“Yes,definitely.I’ve seen the Hand that manipulates him.”
“Why don’t you leave?”
“I have thirty children to support.”
“How come you have so many?”
“Oh,it’s quite easy if you have plenty of lovely lady friends and …”
“I’m talking about responsibility.You are a member of the Establishment.”
“Well,once I was a rebel.But a Famous Rebel will eventually be knighted.”

“So I’ve noticed.” {He’s thinking of Sir Michael Jagger who is 74]
“Why was Lucian Freud not knighted?Surely he was a deserving artist.”
“He was more of an Observing Artist.He Observed what he shouldn’t!”
“What was that?”
That very large people are beautiful like rocks in canyons and caves.and the Queen looks like an old East Ender.”

“Do you think she’s partly Jewish?”
“Well,everyone in the world has a little Jewish blood!”
“So the Queen does”
“Does she know?”
“Well it doesn’t matter whether she knows.I’m just interested.After all she’s the Head of the Anglican Church, a branch of Christianity, so as Jesus was 100% Jewish it would be an advantage to her.She might be a distant relation to him.”
“I never knew Jesus was Jewish!”
“Oh,yes I remember now.And the shepherds with their flocks….was that not here in England?”

” No and King Herod wasn’t English.Herod’s never been a very popular name anywhere really.But you know everybody in the world is probably slightly English.Just listen to them talk!They all speak the lingo.”
“But what about that song “Jerusalem” by Blake?”
“Was not Jerusalem builded here,in England’s green and pleasant land?”
“He was speaking in symbols or metaphors.”
“Why didn’t he learn English?Cymbals are just for banging.”
“Well, he was English.!”
“He was crazy.That’s typical English trait.”
“Yes,we love eccentrics.”
“Do you know any?”
“Not as such,no. But I’d love one if they lived next door.”
“Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather.when I heard that.”
“Well,Annie is a bit eccentric.”Stan thought.”She’s murdered her husband and seduced me in front of the wife.”
“No,she’s just got borderline personality disorder.I wonder who invents all these new mental disorders?”
“Well,the mind doctors need to earn money.”
“True…. send them to Afghanistan.Then we’ll see who has PTSD!”
“Now,there’s a thought!

The holy smell of grass, the feel of air

I wish I were on Hutton Roof again
The limestone and the little open flowers
The sea at Arnside  like a distant gem
The spaciousness like days with extra hours

I wish I were as agile now as then
I might  climb High White Stones  for  serious fun
The whole mere  down below still winding on
The  handsome lake, the Old Man, Coniston

I wish I were  in Dent, the curious shapes
The hills and their deep mystery engross
The height, the little river, the mistakes
The lost loved man alive, to hold me close

I wish I were on Hutton Roof  today
The holy smell of grass, the feel of air

I saw her body

woman wearing white and pink costume on forest
Photo by Ferdinand Studio on

The door was open.I saw her body in the freezer.
I  knelt down and pulled her out gently
She was still conscious.
The day before she read you can avoid washing your jeans for a year if you kill the germs by freezing
I felt guilty.I had thought she was intelligent enough to realise she should have put herself through a wool wash  with Silk and Wool detergent
As she thawed out I admired her  body freely.She has never let me see her whole self before.
Then she came to and said she was going to do a degree at Oxford
What in? I gently asked
Theology, as nobody wants to do it, it’s the easiest way to get in
What a thought.The end of Western civilisation.
Are you sure? Why not do mathematics?
Thanks for the compliment, but no.
I kissed her cold cheeks and proposed
Now we are  married and live in Arnside selling  rock

I thought they were written on paper.



I never lie,I protested.
But can I believe that? You don’t look so innocent to me
That may be because I am  a hooker.
A truthful hooker
And what are you? A man of virtue paying for a woman.
I’m looking for material for a book.
I thought they were written on paper.
Blimey,I thought I was on the spectrum
No, it’s my sofa bed, so handy for my job
Why not train for something?
Aha, go to University?
Don’t mock me
I see you are no masochist
No man has kissed, that is true
How mean! They might be kinder.
What , in this post modern era
I can’t hear anything
Do you mean anyone?
What do you mean?
I can’t express it in words.
But you seem  so bright.
It’s just like I swallowed  Wikipedia
That is hard to digest
Well,it gives me a chance to learn  by reading it when men are in bed with me
Do they not mind?
It’s my mind!
But it’s in your body
That’s  like asking where God is
Make a start by asking where God is not.
He’s not in Britain.That’s not hard to see
But would we recognise him?
I can’t imagine it.
But he can
Is that true?
Would I lie?

Remember it’s all you  I have loved

If you plan to make love in the night time
If you plan to make love in the day
Have you got medicine near you?
Where is your GNT spray?

How off putting it  is with a lover
If the pain hits you when you have kissed
Grab hold of that spray and  then use it
Under your tongue is the best

I hope it won’t happen tomorrow
For I am getting married at last
What will the bridegroom  be thinking
If I lie down on the floor  and then gasp?

His mother is 90 on Sunday
She’s glad he has got a new wife
I hope I   can  treat her politely
Without sacrificing my life

300 mg of aspirin
Are stashed in my  handbag so white
As well as my  Nokia smartphone
My book and  a candle to light

But God may decide I am ready
To join in his  games up above
If I don’t see you tomorrow
Remember it’s all you  I  have loved