If I had known  when I got married my husband would die before me,I’d have shot myself.

My husband was so stupid he thought I was more intelligent  than he was

My husband told me forty years later he was upset I beat him at chess.We only played once.He taught me

I feel so angry  with him  dying that if he was alive I’d divorce him

I don’t know why he married me as I was  anorectically thin and wore NHS spectacles.He had even worse vision than I did!

When I was very ill he knelt beside me and asked me  not to die.Unfair

Dear Susan

I hope you are keeping well.I have a favour to ask.My girlfriend Annie and I want to go away for a few days to Liverpool to see the Cathedrals etc.I wonder if you could come here to look after Emile.He would hate being in a Cattery and yet he needs company

My new book “Riemann’s Mouse” is coming out in December.It is a book of poetry I wrote in the staffroom in between my lectures on Diffusion and Differential Geometry.I do it just for my own enjoyment but  if you would like to read it you can buy if from Amazon for £56.99.I wrote one called Riemann’s Cat so this is a more up to  date way of learning Physics withour knowing it.
I am just baking a  Xmas Cake as Annie is doing the dinner.We are  having roast beef and Yorkshire Puddings and Emile is really hungry for it now.Staa never cooked a turkey and I don’t like it

I have some weird new neighbours but I will not write it down.I think a touch of paranoia is in the air.Fears of houses burning down.Mind you, with the world like it is I sam not surprised.It’s easier to fear that than the end of the world.
I wonder  how God sees it all.If we could meet we’d die of fright

I would leave the freezer full of food if you were able to come.But don’t feel obliged.I’ve only lent you £50,000 so far and never asked for a payment…..if you  have any decency do this for me and for Stan’s memory.You can use the washing machine too… you always look rather dirty  unless it’s my spectacles… a metaphor!

Your  third cousin

Mary

and Emile her cat xxx

  Alfred by Kathryn

My dear Helen

Thanks for sending me your new novel. I am unsure  whether the main  character is meant to be me.I have worn Viyella nightgowns in the past but not when holding a dinner party.If I wanted to attract a man I would wear a dress from Artigiano and only speak about art and music not differential equations and quantum, theory .
As you never passed a maths exam after the age of 12 I doubt if you know what a differential equation is.It has no connections with  bicycle gears.I think it was very bold of  you to put that in.But I cannot deny it is fancified garbage which will be suited to only people who failed maths O level.
It’s mental effect  effect has been akin to eating a bag of Worcester  permain apples which are about to  go mouldy in a park where there is no public lavatory
Please. refrain from sending me your  next novel if you have the stupidity to attempt another.I would think a cookery book would be more  suited to your writing style.. ……making lists and giving orders to all and sundry, to use a cliche….. that’s the other thing.Never have so many cliches been used by one author  to such effect since  Mrs Thatcher’s co writer  wrote  her St Francis special or Winston Churchill rallied Britain after Dunkirk and saved the world

I prefer lemon mousse to  sour apples or grapes

All fondest love as ever

Adrienne Priorjki
.MA Ph D [Romania]  MA D.Phil {Oxford] B SC [Birmingham] MD {UCH}

[ your  cleaner]