I learned to walk when I could speak

I was taught to read Latin and Greek
Before I  had managed to speak
Quo vadis ,I printed?
As mother had hinted
The lavatory needed a new seat

I prefered getting washed in a bucket
Till I swore and told mother to feck it
She said, you are no longer mute
And you look  very cute
But keep well away from  light sockets

Our larder was full of baked  tarts
Mother taught me the  best of her art
Apple,fig and lemon
But never a melon
Unless you get sad in your heart

We never had coffee at home
We drank tea or the washing up foam,
So when I went to Uni
The coffee ran through me
And wetted a mathematical tome