Humour

I went into a coffee shop and the waitress said,
Are you still here?
I looked round all the tables and I couldn’t see myself
So I said,No!

I went  to a hairdresser and asked for a cut and blow dry
She said, what do you want me to do?
Buy some scissors

I went to the Bank and a man  in the queue said  to me  are you married
I said, why are you asking?
He said,I lost my wife in Marks and Spencers so I am looking for another
How long since you lost her?
Over an hour!

I went to  the bus stop but it didn’t

I wanted a red pepper but they only had black
The pieces are so small I can’t understand how  they pick them

My fence  blew away and I  thought:
I bet Trump wants it.So I am building a dry stone wall.
I have  got the stones so I put them in the oven to dry
iF anyone climbs on  this   they will get burned

.
Non verbal communicarion is good at dinner parties
Pull faces, stick your tongue out and wriggle your ears
Then they won’t mind when you leave
They might even pay for a cab

Eye contact is hard when you wear spectacles
Who ever heard of eyeballs kissing?

Feeling nervous?
Suits of armour £800
Credit available

I went to a hypnotist.He was good.I  believe I am now the Queen
So where’s my palace?

I don’t  go shopping.I’ve  got no money.
So I might steal yours.
Thanks