I went to the hospital for a check up and it was full of immigrants
The consultant was Greek
The nurse who did punch biopsies was from Mozambique.That’s not even in the EU
The man pushing wheelchairs was from Jamaica.
The junior doctor was German.Why she might have been a descendant of Hitler.
Then I got on the bus and the driver was Indian
I didn’t even know Indians could drive
When I got off the bus I met a man with a dog.
The dog was Chinese!
Why don’t people have English dogs like rottweilers and alsations or even border collies and greyhounds?
They have buses for greyhounds in the USA.Can’t they walk?
I thought that was why people had dogs… to walk them.
How about buses for Siamese cats?
Now, there’s an idea
Stan was teaching social statistics to a group of elderly neighbors.Since he was 109 it gave them all hope to see him demonstrating his prowess with various techniques.
He was planning to do some logic and philosophy too.Annie was sitting by the door so she could answer the bell if any paramedics turned up for tea.
I’m not going to calculate ” the standard deviations” he murmured.”I just want you to grasp the general purpose.”
“Deviation,they’re not normal are they?” enquired his neighbor Henry,an ex-English teacher. ”So how can they be standard.It’s confusing..”
“Are you thinking of deviants?” Stan enquired calmly yet firmly
”Certainly not,at my age I’m a bit past that!””Still it adds a bit of excitement to the class.” he thought.
How do words in ordinary language relate to those in Statistics?” asked Henry philosphically
“They are just more precisely defined in statistics.To say someone is a deviant is a rather vague term.”
“No,it’s not! My neighbor is a deviant.He always dresses entirely in yellow.”
“Well,that must be hard to do.Certainly unusual.” Stan agreed boldly.
“But in another country that might be the norm.So it’s a matter of context.In statistics it’s more boring.There’s a formula.It’s totally independent of context.Have you ever wondered why so many mathematicians have more than a touch of Asperger’s syndrome?”
“No,it’s not something that wanders through my mind much”replied Henry
A shudder passed through the room at hearing the word “formula“,which perhaps they considered something of a deviant!
Anything with letters and numbers mixed together is certainly not welcome in many people’s minds, along with their more unusual sexual tastes, desires and inclinations which were kept secret even from themselves in many cases.
“Time for tea.” called Annie,hoping to divert their attention.She carried in a platter of mouse sandwiches kindly donated by the local ambulance service and some iced Victoria sponge she and Stan had made the day before.
“Just a quick word about next week.We’ll take a look at ratios and proportions and maybe see how that relates to the concept of rationality.”
“That sounds fun!” Annie called encouragingly.Henry decided to act on a deviant desire and fell onto her lap
.”Oh,dear!” she gasped loudly as the chair collapsed under her.
”Why can’t you be deviant at home?”
“My wife won’t let me!” He kindly answered.
“And look,” Stan continued,”we’ll have to ring 999.This chair is in fragments.I thought for one day we’d be able to avoid calling them out!”
“Well, life is not controllable.” said a quiet but fierce looking lady with sharp green eyes.”That’s what makes it tolerable“
She then greedily consumed a very large piece of iced cake .
“I can stand the thinking if the cake is good” she whispered to her shy friend Amy.
”That’s rather a feeble argument,”Amy retorted.”You can’t really compare cake and statistics.”
“I’ll compare anything I like!” the green eyed woman snarled loudly.
“You do what you like but you must keep a sense of proportion!”
“Now then,have you rung 999?” Stan queried of Annie.
”Yes,here they are,and they’ve got a stretcher for the chair!”
“Well,that’s certainly unusual,even deviant“,Stan thought anxiously to himself.
”Where do they get their funding? Is there a fund for distributing money to help chairs which are not normal?
ARE YOU DEAD? is the subject line of her email.
The text outlines the numerous ways she thinks
I could have died: slain by an axe-murderer, lifeless
on the side of a highway, choked to death by smoke
since I’m a city girl and likely didn’t realize you needed
to open the chimney flue before making a fire (and,
if I do happen to be alive, here’s a link to a YouTube
video on fireplace safety that I should watch). Mom
muses about the point of writing this email. If I am
already dead, which is what she suspects, I wouldn’t
be able to read it. And if I’m alive, what kind of daughter
am I not to write her own mother to let her know
that I’ve arrived at my fancy residency, safe and sound,
and then to immediately send pictures of everything, like I promised her! If this was a crime show, she posits,
the detective might accuse her of sending this email
as a cover up for murder. How could she be the murderer, if she wrote an email to her daughter asking if she was murdered?
her defense lawyers would argue at the trial. In fact,
now that she thinks of it, this email is the perfect alibi
for murdering me. And that is something I should
definitely keep in mind, if I don’t write her back
as soon as I have a free goddamn second to spare.
I went into a coffee shop and the waitress said,
Are you still here?
I looked round all the tables and I couldn’t see myself
So I said,No!
I went to a hairdresser and asked for a cut and blow dry
She said, what do you want me to do?
Buy some scissors
I went to the Bank and a man in the queue said to me are you married
I said, why are you asking?
He said,I lost my wife in Marks and Spencers so I am looking for another
How long since you lost her?
Over an hour!
I went to the bus stop but it didn’t
I wanted a red pepper but they only had black
The pieces are so small I can’t understand how they pick them
My fence blew away and I thought:
I bet Trump wants it.So I am building a dry stone wall.
I have got the stones so I put them in the oven to dry
iF anyone climbs on this they will get burned
.
Non verbal communicarion is good at dinner parties
Pull faces, stick your tongue out and wriggle your ears
Then they won’t mind when you leave
They might even pay for a cab
Eye contact is hard when you wear spectacles
Who ever heard of eyeballs kissing?
Feeling nervous?
Suits of armour £800
Credit available
I went to a hypnotist.He was good.I believe I am now the Queen
So where’s my palace?
I don’t go shopping.I’ve got no money.
So I might steal yours.
Thanks
How my heart sings 