News for Newts

1.When do you use a colon, the teacher asked?
The girl responded: after our food is digested, until we can evacuate the remains of the prey.
2 What is a full stop, the teacher continued?
Death, answered the child
3.What’s a comma?
A coma spelt wrongly.
4.What is a question mark ?
It’s how high a grade the question gets.
5.What is a sentence?
It is what inferior criminals get.The superior ones get away with everything
6 What is syntax?
Is it a fine for adulterers or companies that evade tax? Or is it a Saint called Axe?
7.What is a paragraph?
Well, it’s got something in common with paramilitary.And with geometry.
The War in Mathematics.
8.What is the Platonic Realm?
It’s heavenly with no sex.
9.What is the Socratic Method?
Is it like the Rhythm Method but harder.Like controlling conceptions by the intellect alone?
10.What is the Solar System?
It’s Central Heating using solar panels on the roof.
11 What is the Milky Way?
Is it bottle feeding babies?
12.Am I astute?
I don’t know what a Stute is.Is it  a relative of the Newts?
13 Am I a tutor?
Amae Atuta… Is she a film star?
14 Have you done your best to pass this test?
Yes,I am building a tunnel under your desk into the garden.I’m in league with The Gaza Strip.
15 What is the Gaza Strip?
Is it going through a checkpoint into Israel?
16 What is a Bedouin?
I can’t be doing with this.
17.Where is Jerusalem?
In Shropshire near  Wenlock Edge or in South Lancashire where there are dark,satanic mills now used as Mail Order Firms or Call Centres.
19 What is a  Temple?
It’s  near your forehead.
20.What is a Cathedral?
It’s  like an Epidural but they put a catheter in so you don’t need to go to the toilet while you are having the baby.
21.What is the Vatican?
Surely you must know that at your age!
22 What does “when in Rome do as the Romans do mean?”
Don’t be original.Plagiarise like mad.
23 What was the Trojan Horse
It’s what they used in Troja instead of buses.It  pulled a carriage  or even two
24 Who was Julius Caesar?
Was he the man who worked getting the property off the bankrupt?
25 Why do people go to Oxford and Cambridge?
Is it something to do with particles in quantum mechanics where one particle can go through 2 different holes at exactly the same time.
So one person could go through Oxford and Cambridge simultaneously especially if Bletchley Station was open.
26 Will you get a place at Oxford?
No, I’m too intellectual.I’m  thinking more like, Anthrax if I get a scholarship.
27 What about Cambridge?
Is it something to do with Prince George starting school?
28.What do you think of Birmingham?
It seemed a good idea at the time.
29 Durham is an ancient university.What do you think of that?
I’ve never seen it yet.Is it behind the Cathedral? I saw that once from a train
30 What about Newcastle?
It’s still got a coal mine worked by Holy Spirits.They all speak Geordie.
31 How about Tel Aviv?
You tell them
32 And Iran?
I wish it were still called Persia.
33 Do names matter?
Only if you don’t know them.
34 Should we go to Church?
Only if we have OCD.
35 And Confession?
Always an error.
36 Am I  mad?
Probably but no worse than anyone else except the man who is on  Twitter all night.
37 Are you depressed?
Stop pressing me.
38 And Freud?
The bacon that Jews couldn’t eat
39 .Is it good to understand things?
It’s better to evoke~
40 What is penance?
The size of my pension