Pray Father, give me your guessing.

My guessing!Don’t you mean my blessing?

Oh, probably.Possibly..who knows.

So have you any sins to tell me?

Yes, I broke a glass jug.

Whose was it?

It was mine, Father.

Surely it’s not a sin to break your own jug?

It is if you hit yourself on the head with it!

What made you do that?

I was angry with myself…I had been committing effrontery.

Do you mean adultery?Your main problem seems to be bad language.

No, Father I never say” F*ck”

You just did.

Well, I had to do.I had no choice!

That’s what they all say…if only I heard some original sin I’d find life more interesting.

Well, it’s hard to think of anything original to do especially if it has to be a sin too.

You are just not using your creativity.

All right Father, Put your hands up.i’ve got a gun.

Where did you find that?

In my wife’s handbag.

Now we are getting somewhere.. that’s threatening a priest, interfering in your wife’s privacy and stealing a gun.Any other sins?

I could shoot you, I suppose.

No.no!That is going too far.

Shall I slap you?

No… just say something rude to me.

Your sermons are the most boring I have ever heard.

Well, that’s enough…I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

You have been very lucky then… you should hear what people say to me!

Well, you are both ugly and unintelligent.I don’t know how you had the nerve to marry.

I had no choice.She forced me.But I gave in quickly in case she changed her mind.

And you have seven children.

No, they are not all mine. .And they are Jewish.How can they be Jewish?

My wife is Jewish!

I thought she was just a lapsed Catholic.

No, she’s Jewish but not even an arranged marriage could be arranged for her so she used her imagination and decided an overweight ugly Catholic would be grateful for her love.

And are you grateful?

Yes, and so are all her lovers!

Who are they?

The curate is one of them and has two children .. they look just like him too.

And does she want them raised as Jews?

She lets them rise naturally and go with the flow.

Do they have to wear hats?

Only in the Synagogue!

Are you Jewish too.

Yes,it’s quite handy as we have Sabbath on Saturday and then we have Sunday on Sunday if you see what I mean.

I never met anyone who practised two religions before.

Well,I figured it would double my chance of salvation!

Well. I must speak to the Rabbi.For your penance you must give £50 to Homeless at Xmas.

Am I absolved.

If you stay any longer you’ll be dissolved!

Thank you, Father.

And take that gun away.I don’t want it.

I can get you a good price for your cassock.

Why,thank you ,my child but I need it.

Well,Jesus had no cassock!

Well, he was a Jew…I am a Catholic.

Now,that makes me think.

Think what?

About the Vatican…

Let’s not go there,

Shalom

The garden’s now a Wood,where dwell three wolves
The maple red is now the president
And all the laws and rules have been devolved
For the sake of all the residents

This green country gives heart like mine no grief
For hidden are the houses standing near
And as the wolves dance, I watch with relief
As ants and beetles stand around and stare

For wolves are never seen in suburbs tame
And maples are at home in foreign lands
It may be that the satyrs play new games
And smuggle in some creatures contraband.

Let explanations die their long due death.
Let’s lose our minds and dance in happiness.

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Twenty Questions with Benjamin Ludwig, Writer

Stories were the most important thing in the world to me, growing up. Whether it was acting them out, reading them, or just telling stories with friends, that’s what I loved to do.

Which fictional character would you most like to meet?

I’d love to sit down and chat with the clown/fool from Twelfth Night. He’s one of my favorite characters.

Ankle grazers, are they men who love to gaze
Or kiss the ankles of the one for whom they long
Humans do have curious, little ways

I remember my own ankles praised.
But noone commemorated such in song
Ankle grazers,are they men who love to gaze

My early life seems covered in a haze
Except for when I thought I had done wrong
Humans all must suffer in their way.

See how Shakespeare great emotion plays
Even by the means of dance and song
Ankle grazers, are they men who gaze?

We need love to help us and amaze.
Our psyche’s sometimes stricken by its prongs
Humans each must find their destined way

One day Gabriel will strike the gong
And all the heavens will be filled with song
Ankles,faces, eyes and hearts arranged
Humans do have curious by the ways

All things grow with time — except grief. All things grow with time — except grief.. Jewish Proverb.

Read more: http://www.special-dictionary.com/proverbs/source/j/jewish_proverb/2.htm#ixzz4wdKPXink

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/dangerous-liaisons/

Her constant threats of suicide hurt me
For she need not seek attention by such means
I’ll offer soon to help her choose a tree!

I know how deep and awful grief can he
But every word and action tossed has been
Her constant threats of suicide hurt me.

Humans need each other, yet I flee.
She makes me feel her feelings are insane
I’ll offer soon to help her choose a tree.

I wish that I could aid her so she’d see
That sorrow is a part of love that’s been
Her constant threats of suicide hurt me.

She wants an answer, threatens with her scenes
Till I fell over backwards,now I’m mean
I’ll offer soon to help her choose a tree.

She feels her tongue has freedom to give pain.
She repeats once more her grief and her disdain
Her constant threats of suicide down me
I’ll offer soon to help her choose a tree

Stan was feeling somewhat glum,nay even despairing,on Monday morning.
Mary had gone to work on her new folding 6 gear bicycle with own basket and an extra basket from Wells-next -the- Sea 1995
[the wicker basket now somewhat grey in hue.]
He was left at home sorting out all his art work and materials as well as doing the baking,cooking and bathing Emile,the delightful yet trying male cat.
Sunk in dark misery,Stan sat in an old uncomfortable chair in the darkest part of the room, while Emile snored on the rug by the bright French windows.Stan went through all the possible reasons for his state of mind.Was he guiltyabout his flings with his alluring next door neighbour Annie?
Could it be his failure to toilet train Emile? Or his omitting to carry out the penance given by Father Brown after Stan confessed to stealing sweets on the way to Confession in 1956?
The longer Stan brooded the more reasons he found for his depression.
He could hardly get up to make a cup of coffee ..even instant seemed too much trouble.Would he even clean his teeth which somehow he’d failed to do?
The doorbell rang… it was a new cord for his laptop as Emile had been chewing the current one ,and 29 books in a sack from Amazon which his wife must have ordered,as he had no recollection of any such foolish spending.How would they pay the bill on the credit card? he ruminated.
Later in the day.Annie peered through the window.She tapped on the glass with her well manicured blue finger nails.Let me in she cried.
I’m too tired for any hanky panky he murmured lovingly as he ran his fingers through her thick red tresses.What is this delightful perfume,beloved,he questioned her.
It’s Poison! she replied.Oh no,sorry it’s Iris and Jasmine Eau de toilette from the Bodyshop.
Despite his lowly sunken state Stan loved this perfume.He sniffed rabidly at her well rounded form.Well,shall we have some tea,she enquired.
Stan sat there hand on chest.I’ve been feeling a little gloomy,he muttered.She peered at him.You look terribly pale,Stan.Where’s your angina spray?I can’t recall,he said.Oh,here it is in my vest.
What a strange place to keep it,she responded.
Mary made pockets for all my vests.at one time you could buy vests with pockets
She’s good at sewing despite being so clever.In fact she loves doing things with her hands.
Annie got the GNT spray out and handed it to him.Have you got a pain?
Well,yes,now you mention it,I do,he replied verbosely.
Well,in the name of God, use the bloody thing,she whispered endearingly into his left ear.
He opened his mouth,raised his tongue and with his hand resting lightly on his chin he pressed the button with his forefinger.
His head began to throb.
Annie appeared with a cup of Earl Grey tea and a biscuit.Why,you look a little better.Do you need another dose?
No,I feel much better now.I’ve had it before.He drank the tea but didn’t eat the biscuit which he threw out later in crumbs for the field mice in the shed.
His spirits began to rise.Why did he always forget that physical ailments can worsen a mood?He still felt a trifle glum but nothing a meringue wouldn’t put right.
OK,what shall I make for Mary’s supper? he enquired.
You sit there in the window and I’ll just make my special spaghetti,Annie replied gaily,as long as I can stay too.
Yes,I’ll open some red wine he said youthfully,and we can have fried apples and bananas for pudding with non fat Greek yoghurt.
What a wise choice she murmured gently into his ear………that will use up some of the newly picked apples,the bananas were from Lidl’s as usual.
Well,Stan you look better.said Mary happily,You’ve been pale all weekend.Was it Annie who cheered you up,not to put too fine a point on it?
Actually it was nitroglycerine,he said roguishly,but Annie made me use it.
But for us women you’d be dead,she replied equably.
But for you delightful creatures I wouldn’t be here at all,he moaned ecstatically.
Now then Stan,control yourself she urged,After all we have a visitor,Annie!
What a hoot,he thought as he twisted spaghetti round his fork in a careless manner splashing tomato sauce all over his new green acrylicjumper.
Thank the Lord for washing machines,Mary said.
I didn’t know Jesus invented them,Annie said with a tone of mild sarcasm but no-one bothered to reply.

As told by Emile to the local paper.
And believed by all of us.