Mary was going out for a meal with some former colleagues who had taught under functioning analysis and triquacking theory.She stood in her bedroom, surrounded by piles of clothes, wondering how hot the restaurant might be and how cold and frosty the air in the road by the bus stop.
I think I’ll phone Pete she told herself.
Pete answered on the first ring.After so many years, she still recognised his semi- South African accent and pleasing voice
Hello, it’s Mary Dirac-Brown hers, she said shyly.
Hello Mary Dirac-Brown, he responded instantly
Why, he sounds like the Amazon website, she thought to herself.That figures!
Hello, Pete, I was wondering if you could give me a lift to the restaurant tonight
You don’t need a lift, it’s on the ground floor, he informed her quietly and sensitively
I mean in your car.I can’t drive now.
Why not?
Actually, I never took the Test because I always drove very fast
Why didn’t you use the brakes? he teased her.I reckon you might have passed.
I stopped the car and vowed never to drive again but now it is a problem with Stan  dead etc
Well, what time do you suggest? Shall I come earlier?
Why does he say that  ,she pondered
No, it will take ages to put all my clothes away.I can’t make up my mind what to wear.
Why not just copy Hilary Clinton?
I must not buy any more clothes.Shall I dress smartly? Or smart casual or unsmart?
I know, said Pete.Shut your eyes and pick up 3 things off the bed and then wear those.
Mary closed her eyes.When she opened them she had a pair of Arran legwarmers, a green silk shirt and a black pleated silk skirt.
I suppose if I wear my new long camel coat, the leg warmers will be hidden, she whispered.She took a bottle of dandruff shampoo and washed her light gold locks and then waxed her bikini line by mistake.
My goodness,  why and how did I ever think of doing that, she pondered ruefully?And in the winter who wears a bikini?
Dressed in her pure silk outfit, the legwarmers hidden under thigh high red leather boots, she created a buzz in the restaurant as she climbed in through the window followed by Pete in his yellow wool suit and green tie.
Why did you come in via the window, asked Tom McDonne, the former head of her maths department?
We didn’t see any doors, she cried gaily.And Mossad wants more women agents so I thought MI5 might like to see me.
Who is this Mossad, Tom asked?
It’s the Israeli intelligence service.You must have heard of them.
But they don’t want old people! Tom told her ignorantly
That’s why we came through the window, so if any spies are here they will see how agile I am still.And I still know what uncountable infinity is.Aleph, aleph.
Tom led them to a  long table.
Wow, it’s a log table Mary screamed.I’ve not seen one for years.
Well, with computers and such like we don’t really need them anymore, Tom revealed.
Are they real logs, she queried.
No, they are vinyl, the waiter admitted furtively.Easier to wash
Mother never washed my log tables, Mary told the men impudently.
Let’s order some food, Tom said, as they all sat down
I fancy the Polish Hussar Roast,  he admitted.
What has a Polish Hussar ever done to you, Mary asked?
Nothing yet but I live in hope
And so do all of us.

Toilet is a word that’s still non U.
So think of this and ask where is the loo?
For we must not slip down the pole and freeze
Nor be betrayed by knocking of the knees.
Your children  go to Uni, you’re a prole
And semester’s   a nakedly  home goal
Do not let the guests  sit in your lounge
Nor ever use settees when feeling proud.
We called it the couch but we were down
Among the miners, wrong side  of the town
Never eat  your dinner at  midday
Never hold a rosary as you pray.
Do not mention semesters again
Former polytechnics use that name.
And if your son’s at Uni, call it U;
For Uni is apparently non -U.
Remember always  gay means queer as well
Keep your nerve   you may need it in Hell,

Apparently, some people are surprised
The words we speak, the sentences  that bind
Language plays such a big part in our lives

Dedicated writing, like love, thrives,
For most of us contain a living mind
Apparently brilliant people are surprised

The problem’s when a woman is  a wife
When every day, she’s told she must be kind
Language plays such a  strange role in our lives

One day such a woman  takes a knife
And stabs the man who caused her facial lines
Apparently, all humanity’s surprised

So what is it that causes bitter strife?
She forgot to turn the water into wine?
Language plays the fool’s role in our lives

Let some forceless torture be derived
And with a rubber bullet make it plain
Nobody even noticed the surprise.

What if  Abel had got rid of  Cain?
Would we now be living in this pain?
It seems grave people are much less surprised
Language  is what makes us take our lives

I’m in my  very first seminar today
Semesters are ten weeks long. they say
In hall, we have  ten toilets and a lounge
We have our tea at 7 pm, I found.
I have an en-suite bathroom  and  TV
I watch stuff on my iPad , eerily
I am quite short of dough since I ‘ve just got
The latest wiPhone,no my credit’s shot
If I miss my tea, I’ll have  expense
Getting a delivery to this bench
Hey, I’m sitting in the park  it’s going dark
My speech is so non-U , I  must depart.
I never liked  this Uni anway
My girlfriend said she’ll sell me on eBay.
She said we’ll have to move to Lincolnshire
Grimsby is quite cheap, the fish are dire
The Ferry does not go to  Hull  these days
But since we have no car, I cannot wait
The Humber Bridge is where the North begins
We always have hot chips and greasy chins.
We write  more poems up here than you down there
Larkin is my Saviour,  now revered
I write with biros in an old scrapbook
Like Sylvia Plath’s,  a  journal money hooks.
I never write about a  poet here
I’d rather be in  Oxford eating deer.
I did PPE at Magdalen  by the Bridge
Until  my Dad turned up with an old fridge
He said, how do you do it, my dear son?
I never knew what sex was, Mother won!
Did no-one tell you what a wet dream was?
I think I must have  had one on the bus
Or am I just incontinent and mad
I said, just shut your gob, you are mi dad.
And Oxford is not suitable for me
They never use a teapot for our tea,
The profs all sit up there on that big stage
They call them Dons, but I feel quite enraged
For they have better food than we do right down here
The struggle of the workers is made clear.
Hierarchical, the power is  in their minds
As they stroll about Port Meadow speaking rhymes
I never got to swim off Magdalen Bridge
I’m at the Polytecnic  feeling rich.
There we have the blacks and the females
We meet people from Hong Kong and up the Dales.
The teachers eat in the same place as us
Workers re-united by our love.
And racially, the teachers are quite broad
Some are Greek and some live up the road
One is black and some are brown or green
The maths professor is a beauty Queen
We learned about Greek syllogisms last week
And paradigms are shifting as I speak.
As for Zero, it is really hard
The Indians invented it.Good Lord!

Unnecessary cruelness spoils our lives.
Suffering,  quite avoidable, made real
Emanating from unconscious drives

Where is the self that thinks, reflects. decides,
Where the love that makes a sheltering shield?
Unnecessary cruelness spoils our lives

Where the humane feelings that should thrive
Where the strength to contain what we feel?
Unnoticed and unnamed, the tender dies.

The stifling of humanity implies
That psychopaths have   grasped the  steering wheel
Unnecessary cruelness  ruins lives

Before we speak or write, let’s watch our minds
Will our words bring cruelty, will they heal?
Not hearing, caring, tenderness will die.

Love must flow or kindness may congeal
Take notice of the bigot’s fearful zeal.
Unnecessary cruelness spoils our lives.
How control the inner reptile’s drives?

I have been  wondering why the term sin has almost died out in our language and I think  for many of us who were brought up in a very strict version of Christianity it became too painful to think about it.We were made to feel ashamed  of our failures so much so that we abandon the whole idea of sin.We don’t know as children that it is very difficult to live without making mistakes and our emotions run away with us so that we hurt other children….But now looking at the world as it is,maybe it would be better of more adults admitted making dreadful mistakes.And we know  free will may not be as free as we think.But if we accept we do sin then it makes us more tolerant of others around us…If we were perfect it might make us self righteous and judgemental which to me seems a perversion of religion.Yet this is happening  in the world today.