I was thinking briefly about the time after my spouse died.A so called friend took me out for lunch[ She had not met us for several years] and then while eating she said that men would only come to my blog to wank themselves off onto my photo/avatar.They did not come to read my poetry.She told me it was no good, anyway!!
I almost asked her if they would print off the photo first!As otherwise what they did might damage their laptop… a serious consideration.
[Can you clean my laptop,please? ]The mind boggles.
Actually, it is very insulting to men to say things ike that.
I am no longer interested in that topic which is so ludicrous it is funny/laughable.What does INTEREST me is this
Freud and others developed the notion of the UNCONSCIOUS.This seems to indicate that we cannot know ourselves very well.We tend to block out anything which would disturb our self image.Either by dreams,reflections and observing our actions, talking to close friends we may get to know the bad side of our nature somewhat better.It may not even be so bad.
For example despite teaching maths in Universities I have no confidence in my own ability.That is,I irrationally believe something untrue.So when my husband wanted me to buy a computer I refused as I believed I would not be able to learn how to use it.
Why I am like this I don’t know.I have to force myself to do things and as you see I did get a computer.So if people meet me and know my past they probably believe I am brilliantly clever and maybe rather proud so they may be put off.Once they meet me they see I am not like that.After all however bright a maths teacher is there are hundreds of people who do research that few other humans can understand.[That may have bad consequences.Without algebra we would have no atomic weapons.]
What I really want to learn is whether we can forgive someone who wounds us deeply.This lady who hurt me rang me later to ask how I was.She then said ot was cruel and she DID NOT KNOW why she had said it.She didn’t apologise.Surely she must have some idea!It was a shock at such a time
If she had known herself enough to say she was jealous ,felt sick,.. she envied my long marriage, my brain,she was feeling unwell, she was irritated by me in some way then I would have accepted our friendship should continue even without any apology.
But if she can be so hurtful to an old friend without knowing why then she is dangerous.I don’t condemn her but her aggression is out of her control.
As I said,it was almost funny.Men or women can find many porn sites so I am told.Or they can look at women’s lingerie on line.And as I still then had an obvious large scar on my face it indicated to me she was not really looking at me as I am now .
I wonder though, is it right to reject somebody because they don’t know why they do nasty things? Children do bad things a lot but we expect them to change as they mature.They learn to share toys for example.We don’t condemn them but we try to help them learn top get on with others.Of course some children are badly parented.
Could my friend’s utterance indicate poor parenting? Could it indicate a mental health issue? I was unable to offer her anything unless she could reveal why she said it.Maybe I should be able to guess…..?
How my heart sings 