Answering machine

Please call back after I rise from the bed
I am not here.Well,I am now but I won’t be when you call.
When you hear the pips,squeak.
Do you want to leave a message?Annoying isn’t it?
Would you kindly email me.I am deaf.
If you see me,please don’t say anything.I don’t know you.
My mother said not to speak to strange men.If you are tame leave your message.
If that is the doctor,i feel in the pink.If  not,I am feeling numb all over.
If you are from soul mates,.go back where you came from.
If you fancy  women,I am a hermaphrodite.
Don’t try selling me anything.I am very evil.It’s my eye.
Thanks for calling.Next time just  yell