Emile wants therapy

As the new day dawned,Peter Fried.. that infamous psychoanalyst woke upto find himself in the washing machine yet again.He unwound himself

and crawled out.On the table was a note.
Dear Peter,
I washed up..hope you had a good night in the washing machine.Speak to you soon…Best wishes,Annie.

He moaned loudly at the prospect.Perhaps staying in Hampstead would have been better but he felt an obligation to spread his new therapeutic methods to the less civilized parts of Britain… such as Knittingham.But he had already met the most peculiar people who had caught him on their pan and would soon be eating him for dinner.
He looked out at the street… but there peeering into the window was Emile.
For,God’s sake Emile… why are you back here,he whispered.
I’d like to finish off your curry,Peter.
How kind of you.. please come in.
When Emile came in he jumped onto the couch.
You can’t eat it there,Emile,Peter said politely.
Well.. the truth is..I think I need therapy.Is it very expensive for cats.
I don’t recall anyone having treated a cat before.
This could make you famous,Peter.
Well,why do you think you need therapy?
I am suffering from a severe case of unfulfilled love.
You have problems with your lady cat friend?
No, no… the problem is I am in love with Annie.I dream of her every night.
And what are you doing in the dream?
What would you be doing,Peter..
I’m afraid the analyst must not reveal themselves,the cunning man responded.
And my second and more serious problem is that I am afraid I may be bisexual…I love you now as well as her. Is there any hope that i can return from neurosis to just the normal unhappiness of life?
Well, for a start I’d stop reading Freud..And let me ask Stan whether he is willing to pay for therapy.
Is it very expensive?
I let you use my washing machine free but he must pay for the soap powder.
What, are you going to give me washing machine therapy?
Well,it may be the best for you as the mud you lick from your fur may be affecting your brain.
Any other type of therapy?
Well, we might try Mindfulness or Meta-cognitive therapy.
That sounds very complicated.
Well,apart from that,you can keep busy and avoid coming near me or Annie…it’s the simplest though maybe the hardest cure.
And we all know that,don’t we?

Danger

Celebrity chef, television personality, and businesswoman Clarissa Dickson Wright only wears a bra on special occasions. At her 50th birthday party, she was dancing when she suddenly felt a “terrifying pain in my chest.” She initially thought she was having a heart attack. “The pain got more and more intense. I staggered off and discovered I’d broken my underwired bra.”

What does object mean?

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If I’d known English was so hard I’d have been born in Italy.

Sorry for being alive or dead

 

 

 

I must apologise to the 14 British people who came here today.I am unused to that and cater mainly for what you call foreigners.If that offends you please apologise to me.Now.I apologise for owning all these gloves.I have to match them to my clothes or my mother will be angry.

A thousand apologies deep

I am sorry  for writing a  poem
And for giving you pleasure at home
I really regret
That you weren’t upset.
And sorry for not stealing your comb.

 

I’m sorry my IQ is too high
And if it’s lower than yours I’ll cry
I can’t change it now
But I’m finding out how
I’m reading the Sun.Hi de Hi!

 

And  if it is low I regret
My stupidity at placing a bet
I gambol you see
Whilst a nice  man snaps me.
The odds are all  even when wet.

As to if I am mediocre at  best
I am sorry that I am a pest.
But I want  to be  mean
Statistically  seen.
So sorry I’m too kind to your guests.

 

Before we scheme

How like a monster is my fear of pain
Expanding to fill all my heart and mind;
Swelling as a  fearsome sponge   in rain,
This fear begets  new  feelings more unkind.

For humans being chased by lions fierce,
Fear gives the strength to  dash away.
But when by inner turmoil we are pierced
We cannot run  yet need  not be its prey.

Most strange ,we need to do   what we most fear;
Walk towards the pain with curious calm.
As else we may be maddened like King Lear
With no Cordelia to bring us balm.

To  feel in proper ratio to our   pain.
We need perception,grace and all their gains.

Proverb

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Everyone goes down to their death bearing in their hands only that which  they have given away – PERSIAN PROVERB
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Abject

Definition of abject in English:

 abject
 Adjective
Pronunciation: /ˈabdʒɛkt/

1(Of something bad) experienced or present to the maximum degree:his letter plunged her into abject miseryabject poverty

1.1(Of a situation or condition) extremely unpleasant and degrading:the abject condition of the peasants
2(Of a person or their behaviour) completely without pride or dignity; self-abasing:an abject apology
Derivatives
abjection

Pronunciation: /abˈdʒɛkʃ(ə)n/

NOUN
abjectly

Pronunciation: /ˈabdʒɛktli/

ADVERBabjectness

Pronunciation: /ˈabdʒɛktnəs/

NOUN

Origin

Late Middle English (in the sense ‘rejected’): from Latin abjectus, past participle of abicere‘reject’, from ab- ‘away’ + jacere ‘to throw’.