Where are you?

Today I went for an ultrasound scan.Fortunately the result is good and I had a friend with me ;strangely it was not in the ultrasound department but in X ray  so we had to walk much further.The journey back to the front door was tortuous.I seem to have become weak since I was ill for 4 months and it   angers me  to find I am not able to do what I expect.Although, given I am in fairly bad pain, it seems I am too harsh on myself.
Of course I am pleased with the outcome but later in the day I find I keep expecting my husband to be here so that I can tell him.
When people talk of returning to an empty house that is not quite how I would describe it.It seems to me as if there is a hole in the atmosphere of the house which was not there when my husband was alive and was working away from home.
Yes,there’s an empty space of a finite size,like a cocoon,where a person should be.I have dreamed about him but he does not say anything.He was very quiet but had an expressive face and presence.
Even when he was still alive he had stopped fully  responding to me.I came home last April with good news that a biopsy  result was ok.He was too  far gone both health wise and emotionally since I’d been under treatment for a  year.Fortunately I was able to  look after him nearly all the time.
I keep looking round;I see dead roses; he’s not here.How can I tell him? I speak and ask him,where are you,but only silence answers me.He has left me behind like a bag that was not needed.But he needed me to help  him to go.
When with my friend I felt like I usually do.But now the silence seems to shake like waves  of air bouncing and roaming  round the room. I’m too tired   to speak on the phone.I need to eat.
Why don’t I see him like many people do their loved ones? Or is that bad?
Maybe the hole is inside me.Or Am I inside the hole?