Day: August 13, 2015

Naughty mirth

I'm learning to swear and to curse
And to make my poems sound worse and worse
But when I shouted, oh f**k
It was just my bad luck...
I was standing right next to a hearse.

So then I thought, oh what the hell,
My mind's as unsound as a bell
I cried,what a b*gger
And scared off a mugger.
So here I am all alone in a dell.

Is there a future for the pure on the earth
For those who don't swear and don't curse?
Cor blimey,you're quaint
Is you a saint?
I almost feel we could write naughty mirth

That red mist

He said he needed three square meals a day .So far she’s not found him a square plate.

He said he liked to sin three times a day so they divorced and lived happily with laughter.

He used to go to Confession weekly until the priest gave him an extension to finish his list once and for all.Otherwise  he’ll   get a doctorate in doubt and rumour.

How do we know when the time is ripe?

The future’s not ours to flee.

Why don’t rolling stones get a gloss?

We used a milk bottle as a rolling pin but now it seems  pastry is in cardboard boxes in the supermarket

I like sausage and trash once a week.

Why did  any cooks boil the wrath?What do they want.. a red mist?

I  threw out a loaf and my husband as well.Let him  bleat to nerds.

God is a cat and other illogical conclusions

  • Mary was on a step ladder in the bathroom spying on her husband Stan,through a hole in the wall…which he had drilled for spying on women  who were sunbathing semi-nude intheir back gardens.He was climbing over the fence with Emile their cat on his shoulder.I think it’s so ridiculous, she muttered .Surely Emile  can jump over the fence by himself.But Emile was very limp,she saw belatedly,He can’t be dead,she whispered to herself fearfully.She jumped down off the and hit her head on a tap… a dan gerous event for a human with weak retinas

    Oh,my!That hurt…I’d better be careful.  she murmured and she flew down stairs  toStan in  the kitchen
    Emile has got concussion, Stan said mournfully.
    Is he not dea perhaps,?she wondered anxiously.
    No, he only fell off Annie’s roof.I am sure he’ll come to.
    Good Lord.What made him go up there and more important,how did he do it?
    You’d better ring 999,he informed her gently
    If you say so ,my dear.I’d do anything you ask..
    Don’t put on that act! he said
    I mean it.
    A bit late now.
    What do you mean?
    After 40 years with your mind on Wittgenstein,Pascal and Kierkegaard,do you think I don’t know you made a mistake marrying me
    But whoever I married,I’d have read those same writers…
    Umphh,said Stan dolefully.
    Just then Dave,the bisexual transvestite paramedic ran in.
    Poor Emile,what have you done?
    He fell off Annie’s roof, but we have no theory as to how he got there,said Stan.
    Well, there’s no need to think of that… we  deal with reality.That’s my modus operandi!
    He gave Emile the kiss of life.Emile came to…but was not pleased
    Why did you waken me up? I was having a lovely dream of walking down a silver path where I saw a big cat with shining fur and tender eyes looking at me.He just began to miaow when some f**king idiot woke me up… was he God?
    I can’t say,Emile,dear.But please do not swear.
    I’ll do whatever I f**king well feel like,Emile said. nastily
    Good heavens, what has happened.Has he been reading dirty books?
    No, he was watching East Enders on TV… they all use the f word constantly.
    Well,Emile.God will have to wait… he’ll be glad if you do some kind work here on earth.
    Up yours,said Emile.I am sick of living here. I’ve been hoping for years Stan would mate with Annie but he has only managed a deep kiss.
    Perhaps it was the kiss of life,said Mary hopefully as it pained her to think Stan no longer desired her that way.
    Well, in a sense,you might have hit the snail on the bed said Stan thoughtfully.I know any further mention of philosophy will drive me  utterly and eternally mad!
    Now,Dave said,shall I make you some hot  tea?
    Thank you Stan responded.I am half crazed already.Tea may save my sanity.But for what?
    Annie came in wearing her brick red trouser suit and a white sun hat.
    Did you know Emile was in a hot air balloon,she said in tones of wonder.How has he got down so fast?
    I f**king well fell out, the cat yawned proudly.Then I had a near death experience until this loon here brought me round.
    Emile,I ’ve never heard you swear before! she whispered in a strange manner reminiscent of thoset silent films starring unnamed and forgotten beauties of long ago.
    Do you like it,baby? Emile asked.
    No I don’t. I’ve never said F*ck in all my life.
    Well you have now,the cat informed her with a naughty smile.
    I think he’s possessed by demons.We’ll have to have him exorcised.
    But I like demons,Emile bawled .I’ve been good all my life and I am bored and depressed.
    So you believe swearing will help more than therapy?
    Emile got up and lit a cigarette nonchalantly with a certain ,je ne sais pas.
    Good grief,he’ll be having sex on the sofa next ,said Stan.
    What a good idea,said Emile, but I want my own room and an en suite..I mean to impress the next girl friend I have.
    Dave drank some tea and watched these old folk ponder.
    I am wondering where we went wrong,said Mary.All these years we’ve educate you privately and even had you baptised.
    Well.I am going to be a Jew,said Emile.
    I don’t think a cat can be a Jew… and you never ever had any interest in the spiritual before,why this?
    Well,when I was unconscious I realised that God exists….
    But why be a Jew?
    Well,they were the first to see God in a Burning Brush.
    And the last too, I hope,thought Annie nervously.
    Well,said Stan.You want to smoke,swear ,make love and possibly enjoy wine and song.Is that not enough?
    Does God smoke and swear
    There was a long silence and Emile answered’
    Well,Yes he does.
    Im off said Dave.I have to ring the Pope.
    Why? asked Emile. I am not going be a Catholic….
    Well,said Dave, he ought to know that God is a cat.

And of reality no-one can tell

Photo0766

Though full of direct knowledge of his fellows
Whose eyes and faces are a script humane;
Though voices sing to him like Lobos' cellos
In lack and loss and woe this man remains..

In times gone by,the voice and face sufficed.
Poets'  music  seemed to us almost  divine;
But now a subtle torture's been devised
To write with pen and letters intertwined.

This man, though wise like cat,or bear or owl,
Has failed in his acquaintance with the pen.
Nor does he have the words which politicians howl.
Nor can he read more than his list of sin.

For now the map is where the mind must dwell
And of reality,no-one can tell.