Day: March 29, 2015

Love in a wheelie bin

Stan was in his front gardenpolishing the wheelie bins with lavender wax polish.
He was not very happy as the garden was only 10 feet by 12. so the huge wheelie bins ruined it.When he got to the third one the lid popped open and out jumped his next door neighbour “Adulterous Annie”.
Hello,Stan” she whispered.”Where’s Mary now ?”
“Why?”Stan muttered into the back of her neck which he licked as he like her salty taste.
“I was thinking, these bins are so big,we could both get inside one.It would make a change1!”.”What a strange idea” he replied philosophically.however age was no bstacle where love was involved. if you catch my drift.
Soon Stan and Anne were in the big green recycling bin.Stan being 81 had shrunk somewhat so he took up less space than Annie did.He allowed her  to kiss his left eyelid.What a lovely feeling.
Alas, all too soon,as they say, they heard Mary’s bicycle bell.She was getting faster amd faster.As she wheeled her bikeup the 30 yard long front path to the porch she heardmurmurings and mutters,
She lifted up the green plastic lid and saw the two loverscovered in cuttings from the privet hedge.
“What the bleedin’hell are you doing in there?”she shouted mellifluously.
Well,it’s hard to explain,……………but Stan was wondering about a green funeral” Anne said mischievously.
“Funeral ,my hat!” Mary said coldly.”Get out at once”
“Don’t speak to me like that” Stan beseeched her brazenly.
“Well,it’s a shock to find your husband in the bin with another woman!”
“Wouldn’t it be more of a shock if he was in the bin with a man,or even a sheep?”
“Schmann or Schwommann,sheep,,it’s immaterial.
“Hurry,get out,quickly before the school exit time.what will all the mums think as they go by?”
But poor Stan could not get out,He was stuck.Oh,my!what an odd phrase.
“Have you got your mobile on you?” “Yes,it’s here in my bag.
“You’d better call 999” “What a brilliant idea!”
Soon Dave the paramedic arrived.
Mary showed him Stan’s situation.
Ever resourceful ,Dave was not bothered though the NHS budget might be getting cut.
He tied some rope round Stan’s waist and between the three of them and Emile the cat and his friend Elizabeth, they managed to haul him out.
Annie stood weeping with shame.Her silvery blue eyeshadow was beginning to run mixed with tears and black water soluble mascara from Chanel of Paris and London. Her new coral lipstick from Clinique was not as non-allergenic as she hope.Never mind,it gave her lips that bee stung look that many men admire.It reminded Stan of his boyhood days playing near High Force Waterfalls in upper Teesdale….Teesdale ,still an undiscovered and undervalued part of England,Contact the English Touring Board for more information. Holiday Loans available from Thwaites of Stockton and Darlington at only 1% interest.
Mary gave Annie a large Kleenex tissue,”Come indoors,honey, and I’ll make you some Ceylon tea.It’s been the most thrilling event of my entire life and I’ve photographed you with my new Nokia camera phone[Prices available on request from The Catphone Warehouse,Teesside,Northern England,comes in pink and pink and…pink?How I love pink!]
I’m going to send some to the local paper.
Stan staggered upstairs covered in bits of privet ,lettuce and cabbage hearts, and carrot tops,not to mention a few dozen banana skins and a few potato peelings.
What an afternoon.[Please contact the society for  the care  and protection of vegetables if you wish to make a complaint about this story.}
“That’s the last time I climb into a wheelie bin”,he thunked
“Next time we’ll use the cardboard and newspaper wheelie bin” he proclaimed.

 

Stan gets visited by two lovely ladies

Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibreand elastane cloth and some windolene he had bought in Tesco’s
I don’t know why I bother,he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa,which he was “milking” gently with his paws.
With all the rain,the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A  wiser man might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very jumpy if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking  snaps of frogs,birds and flowers.Mental disorder can be useful sometimes.
All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps…
Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet.Except for their faces,of course,which were both a light shade of beige and they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks and Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel
“Good morning,Stan!” called one of them.”We are Anne‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.”
“Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan cried.
“Anne told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.”
she responded,”even in bed.”
“You seem a bit fast,” he answered,
“I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?”
They burst out laughing….oh,what a noise!
“I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.”
“As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!”
“We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.”
“I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets.
“I wish the psychiatrist would give me some therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Anne mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?”he said to Emile.
“I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way.
“Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called.
“No,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.”
“I wish these two women would drift off.”responded the weary yet charming old man.Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails.
“”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie.
“Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied.
“I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately.
“No,I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily.
“Wow,is it not boring?”
“No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things,”
Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over unconsciously
.Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty key pad and texted 999.
“Why are you texting?”asked Ruby.
“Well,it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.”
“Do you know many mice,Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully
Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it,gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed.
The front door opened and in ran Dave,the bisexual paramedic.
“Is it you,Emile.Have you lost your hankie again.Are you sad?” he moaned nervously.
“No,it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair”
Stan came too and looked up…
“Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap” he said brightly.
“Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression,my dear man.”
“Now,look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business.
Besides,I don’t know if you are real.”
“We just wondered why you slept on the floor.”
“A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response.
“Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.”
“Where will you take us”the twins asked delightfully….
“Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday”
“Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby
“Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously..
“I’ll lie by you,”said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.”
Sometimes life seems so simple,it’s rather like a dream controlled..
Controlled by what,asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry.
But answer came there none…
And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one…
To read more,why not take out a subscription?At just £100 a day,it’s value for money…as money no longer has any value!

Why even try to write a sonnet?

220px-WestminsterAbbey-Martyrs

You must want to write  before you begin but maybe a sonnet is not for a complete beginner.Indeed you may not know what it is.That means you’ve not read much and it does puzzle many  writers and teachers who are sent poetry written by keen amateurs who have never read a poem for years.You can start easy with ballads and simople verse.

Writing a sonnet is a challenge and it took me afew  years to even try.However it is a very good form for expressing grief,love aand the pains of life.If you read Shakespeare you know the best.But even if ours are not so good,writing is beneficial to our hearts and souls and it can connect us to other similar people all over the world for huge numbers of people do write as a hobby.I  found that out on a website with a big membership.I think people in the USA so more keen to write than people here in the UK.Sometimes we sit and watch TV for hours but it’s more fun and pleasure to write or draw or make something like a lovely meal or some good quality cakes with less sugar and purer ingredients.All of these can connectus to others whereas passive acticity is a kind of death of overdone.

The best part about writing poems is that it seems to make it easier for us  to understand  poems we read either modern or classic and to admire the brilliance of the metaphysical poets [ my love] or enjoy the humour of Pam Ayres or the Englishness of Betjeman or the wonders of Russian poetry written under severe strictures in Stalin’s time

Some tips for writing poetry 1

I am offering you some tips based on my own experiences as a beginner writer of poetry.I wanted to write a sonnet so I used the first line of Gray’s Elegy to get the desired number of “Feet” in the line:

“The curfew tolls the knell of parting day” is the first line.

So I could copy that and produce

“My heart‘s as lonely as a wounded bird”

I find once you have a first line it is often not too hard to write a second

My heart’s as lonely as wounded bird

That’s been deserted by its native flock.

Now in those two linesI have compared the heart to a sick bird left behind perhaps when birds migrate for the winter.So this will give rise to more comparisons as I continue

My heart’s a lonely as wounded bird

That’s been deserted by its native flock.

And so its plaintive cries are never heard

And silence seems its very soul to mock.

As you get further into the sonnet you are restricted by the form and also by needing to connect symbolically with what you have already written
s
My heart’s as lonely as wounded bird
That’s been deserted by its native flock.
And so its plaintive cries are never heard
And silence seems its very soul to mock.

What choices has this weary bird to make;
When chirpings used for contact are not heard?
When silent are the trees around the lake
Where alien beings care not for a bird.

No tears nor wailing help when I’m alone alone
Unwillingness makes such wounds hard to bear.
[Shall it sing out and sigh until it’s done?
[{Shall I sing out and sigh until I’m done?]
[its unknown anguish brings no help nor care.]
[My unknown anguish brings not help nor care]

For nature has no kindness in the end,
My heart is shivering as the dark descends.

I have not done any editing as yet.Usually I do quite a lot but I wanted you to see my first attempt.

I have now done some editing…see critique  and bracketing above

Critique of sonnet

It was about the heart,the bird was only a symbolic representation so it should have returned to the heart more explicitly.
Too many words like and,so,then,when, etc

I

Would you like to write a sonnet?

7198404_8f6e77dde5_m

How To Write A Sonnet

This is a good website.I was very nervous about writing sonnets but I have begun to enjoy this now.However some are  better as others and I believe it is partly due to the topic one chooses.And sonnets are not generally a good place for humorous writing.