Day: November 15, 2014

Tooth marks

boy and girl

Oh my dentist is handsome,a very fine man

He seduces women with his frying pan.

He cooks them eggs and fries some ham

And just now and then,he cooks up spam.

He knows all the wiles and the tricks of the trade

To win the hearts of the charming young maids.

but when they see him in his surgery

They pick up their big handbags

And out they flee.

So now he’s decided to charm us older ones

By making jam and baking scones.

He makes them tea and pours it out.

his tea pot has got a very large spout!

He plays soft music and says a few kind words

Then he tells us how to calculate irrational surds.

It worked on me and now I am

Totally in love with this most intriguing man.

I boil his hankies on the kitchen fire

And write him poetry he complains is rather dire.

But when we go to lie down on his couch

A spring is sticking up,so he screams.Ouch,ouch.

Now I suggested we use the surgery,

As that reclining chair is big enough for three..

For I always take the cat along on dates with me

For he will lie just behind my knee.

But the dentist does not want to have Henry there

He thinks his dental chair will pick up Henry’s hair..

I offered to clean it with a kitchen cloth

As I’m sure I can get all those cat hairs off!

I sit here waiting,wondering will he call——-

A fate that is common to us women, men and all.

But when at last the bell begins to go

I am listening to a loud radio.

So consummation is deferred again

I feel quite sorry for this lonely gentleman.

but now I’ve taught him how to send a text

but he‘s not sent any yet so I am feeling somewhat vexed.

I have an idea this love is too bizarre

Making out in the dentist’s surgery chair.

So now I’m thinking of how a doctor‘d be,

And wondering if he would allow me to sit upon his knee?

I owe it to myself

Love your neighbor in her bikini:A sinful tale

Beware of getting into hot water in your bikini
A few weeks after Annie moved into the  lovely house next door to Stan,he met her when he was seeing his wife off to work.
Why does Mary not have a car? Annie enquired suspiciously.
She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her.
Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically.
She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously
That’s true,muttered Annie loudly.I am your new next door neighbor.
Yes,said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikinis.
How come? she asked merrily yet sternly
There’s a big hole in the fence.He said
Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence?asked Annie.I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows.
Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea.How about women looking at men through a round hole in a fence or square one?
Oh,they are not  very keen to do that,she lied charmingly.
Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you.
Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily.What do you mean,you owe it to yourself? she continued in a puzzled tone.
Nothing,said Stan,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing so well in the bath.I can hear you.
You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me?
Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her kindly
And you can take advantage of me, he said I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat Emile to do statistics on an i pad.
How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads.
Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently.
True,she said,but where are their I’s?
Where are our I’s ? he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgley or Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics.
Not that he practised the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wrong.It’s more fun that way.If you sin,sin big!
A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong? Surely it’s better than killing people,making war  or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar?
Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practising Catholic was a womaniser despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute!
Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed?The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero?
I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor. Like,how about the confessional in the local Church?
Whatever next?

I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun.
Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man has ever fancied before.So his daemon tells me.

Sc

 

Loss

As a child I loved my father dear

And went with him on walks into the park.

I felt great love and not a mite of fear

.His presence helped me in the night so dark

I never understood that he was ill

As little children do not think to ask.

and though he moaned and asked the nurse for pills

I did not know he faced his life’s last task

And so one morning we are told he’s fled.

He’s gone to heaven where he’ll feel no pain.

In solemn voice, the priests bless him now dead

I know I must be wicked and to blame.

Please let little children talk and grieve

When parents are blown down like autumn leaves