When poetry can help to ease the pain Tim Maguire on poems that may
offer solace while grieving ‘for a child that had not yet lived’ Letters ‘There are many beautiful poems available,’ says Tim Maguire. I was touched by Devika Bhat’s article about losing her baby (G2, 28 October) and shared it with my humanist celebrant colleagues. Devika says: “There is no established narrative around grieving for a child that had not yet lived and, it turns out, that is reflected in literature too.” She is right that the subject is rarely discussed but, because of what we do, we are aware that there are many beautiful poems available. Noteworthy examples include The Noble Nature by Ben Jonson and When the Heart by Michael Leunig. Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity, has also published an anthology of poems written by parents and other family members called A Gift of Words. I hope this information can help anyone affected find at least some solace at this most difficult of times. Tim Maguire
Mary sat in her living room crying virtuously and feeling lonely.
Emile her clever cat ran out of the door into the front street and went round to Annie’s their lovely yet frightful neighbour.
You’d better come round; mother is crying, the poor animal moaned picturesquely
Annie was wearing a purple jumpsuit with green suede boots and their matching green scarf round her neck. Not leather but wool the leather might bebetter in the rain!
She followed the small but strong cat into the bijiu house next door and immediately went into the kitchen to put the electric kettle on
Who is that said Mary thoughtfully?
It’s only me cried Annie kindlily
Whatever is the matter, Mary? Emile’s so worried about you
Oh it’s stupid but I’ve just got a letter saying my ultrasound scan is tomorrow and I really don’t feel like going
Would you like me to come with you?
Well that would help but you see I’m worried because…..
I’ll let you in to a secret
All these UTIs have made my bladder weak and I’m worried that I won’t be able to go there with a full bladder
Well why don’t you go to the loof first?
No you can’t because the ultrasound scan of the bladder does not work unless it is fairly full because if it’s not full all the other organs crowd it away. That sounds rather odd like animals in the jungle….
But they also look at the kidneys as well and that’s both in that case or even if the bladder doesn’t show up on the scan it will certainly be able to examine the kidneys. And I won’t be able to wear my jumpsuit because I wouldn’t like to have to take that off in a room full of technicians and medical people
Well it’s like everything in life we need some advice so why don’t we ring 999 and ask Dave the paramedic to come round to help us with our discussion and see if we can give any good advice
In 10 minutes they heard the ambulance coming down the street with the siren blaring. In ran Dave the paramedic wearing a pinstripe suit made of pure silk and wool and underneath it he wore a large pink bra stuffed with useful items that he couldn’t carry in his pockets in case it spoiled his suit
Mary you shouldn’t keep everything to yourself so much because lots of people have to have ultrasound scans
You don’t have to get undressed if you wear elastic waisted trousers.
You can get some very nice incontinence pants in Toots the pharmacy you could even wear two pairs of them and if the worst comes to the worst then if you wet yourself it will be an opportunity for the staff to show how kind and understanding they are. Maybe they will send you home more quickly in urgent transport and not make you wait for three hours or more like they did the last time you went to hospital,
I will see if I can pop by depending on my duties tomorrow.
Annie thought to herself I wonder if Mary is really worried about wetting her pants or is it she’s worried about whether she’s got cancer or some other mysterious disease. After all you can change your knickers and your trousers but you can’t change your organs easily especially when you are a very very old person.
She made some lovely hot coffee and they all sat around the fire looking at photo graphs of North Norfolk which Stan had taken on their last holiday in Ringstead. Mary still missed Stan very much
Why am I not on the photographs mewed Emile the little yet clever vcat?
Well that was before you were born Mary told him gently because if you had been here we would have taken you with us like we did our first cat Benjamin to Brancaster
Well that’s giving me idead Dave cried
Why don’t we arrange a holiday in North Norfolk and I can drive you and Emile can sit next to me in a basket strapped to the seat
Oh that sounds a wonderful idea Mary cried joyously
It will be nice to have some future plan to think about rather than just day to day worries of health and foods etc
Annie said why don’t we go to Wells next the sea
Yes that’s a very nice place with a shop that sells real Guernsey and Aran sweaters
Now everyone’s got central heating not many people want them but they’re very good for folk going out in boats to see the seals near Sharingham.
Well maybe we could go out in a boat and see the seals Annie answered him as she picked up the coffee cup to take them back to the kitchen
Mary realised that worrying was using a lot of her energy and if they were going on holiday she could spend the time planning her wardrobe as advised by Good hmGousekeeping fashion page
Until Mary had read this magazine she had never thought that anyone would buy a special wardrobe just to go for a week’s holiday but apparently they do even when they’re not going to somewhere exotic hot or very, very cold like the Arctic circle
I think Annie will have to go up to Wigan to buy some of that makeup that they’re specializing in up there because she will want to buy eyeshadow and blusher to match the coastal colours of blue mauve gray pink and the sunshine colors of spring like the Hawthorne blossom on the hedges by the coast road running from King’s Lynn to Cromer
Well at least it seems that Mary has got something else to think about and the other two will enjoy it whereas Emile om may find it rather hard but he can always travel in someone’s pocket or a special bag
Is there such a thing as a cat rucksack?
Mary is good with her hands so perhaps she will make one un start a new trend
“Your eyes are like deep pools in the Indonesian ocean” Stan murmured into his mistress Annie’s ear.He gently took hold of her and pulled her down onto his thin knee. Just as he did , his new Habitat chair collapsed and they fell onto the floor.,the chair in many bits around them like a jigsaw puzzle in three dimenstions, Have you got your smartphone,my sweetheart “he whispered romantically “I think you’ll have to ring 999. “OK,my angel” Annie prattled, ” Operator,it’s my lover’s chair .It keeps collapsing;can we bring into A and E to be fixed? Well he can’t get into to bed anymore as he is 107,so we really need this” Just then a pebble hit the window,it was his wife coming back from Sainsburys” She’s lost her keys in her book bag yet again Oh,wonderful,just at the right moment” he shouted,”Hello,Mary,here is Annie,she’s a chair surgeon!” “Oh,that’s good”,Mary muttered enigmatically. ” Do you ever fix beds?” “Why do you ask?” Annie cried sweetly “Well, ours is always collapsing’it’s yet another of life’s mysteries.” “Why,you are so beautiful, Mary.You are mesmerising.Come and show me your bed.We’ll leave Stan here.He’ll soon be in that ambulance” “Annie,your eyes are like deep salty pools in the Dead Sea .” “Have you both been on the same creative writing course?” Mary spouted satirically. “I aim for satisfaction.Here’s my gun.I’m going to shoot you” Annie called “But we have no guns in the UK” Mary whispered under her breath “Well you have now.” Annie said logically. Just then the emergency ambulance arrived with its siren scaring the cats nearby but not Emile as he heard it so many times. “OK. which chair is it this time” the trisexual paramedic Dave enquired foxily. “Have you ever thought of making it in the bath?We’re getting really worried about you in Casualty,at your age.” “Worry no more” Anne screamed emphatically, firing the gun repeatedly into the chair’s remains. “I’ll make sure he never sits in it again.And now Habitat’s gone bust,he can’t buy another.’” “Cheers ,mate!”whispered the paramedic dramatically. “Has anyone ever told you,your eyes are like deep pools in the Sea of Tralee”. “Oh,no not another one!”Anne moaned tentatively,”You need to raise your whole game,not just change the name of the sea” “You’re so intelligent too,lady.Can you teach me truly creative writing?” He yelled quietly,by the way I am Trisexual. ” What a funny name.Come upstairs” she murmured in reply, “and we’ll see what sea we can see up there,tonight”. “Thank you so much and please send me home in a stamped addressed envelope when you are done with me.” he responded quixotically “Whatever” she sighed spontaneously.”Let’s get on with it or you’ll be here all night” Does it matter? he called.”I am paid by the flower” Emile the little black cat who had hidden in the wardrobe was disappointed that the light went out as he hoped to take a photo. And so did all of us
Mary was feeling very unwell so she was not happy hen the phone rang.
It was a former colleague of hers who asked her how she was. But she didn’t want to tell anyone she was ill with covid-19
Oh I am grieving for my sister, Mary told her untruthfully but firmly.
You have never mentioned your sister before.Were you close to her?
Oh no. I wasn’t close to her I just like grieving for people that I’m not close to, don’t you?
Mary I think you are being sardonic. I’ve never heard you speak like that before. What has come over you?
Am I really being sardonicJust think that you can be sardonic without even knowing it.
I don’t believe you Mary You know what it is I am sure you do.
Well you can know something and practice it without necessarily knowing the name or knowing that there is a name for it
Suddenly she realized that everything that has a name now must have been experienced by human beings before the name was given to it and it was they who had invented a name for it
We don’t know what it will be in another language like Italian or German either
Annie came running in lb into the kitchen wearing some green trousers and a purple top. She had no makeup on at all which is very unusual for this dear lady.What was wrong with her? Could you be about to change gender?
Mary are you feeling better? Who are you talking to? Anything exciting?
Oh it’s Leonora do you remember her? She used to teach in Huddersfield polytechnic where I took a course in algebraic mythology.
Don’t be ridiculous if you wanted to learn algebraic mythology you would have gone to East Barnet University. How Annie got this idea is a mystery since she is a very uneducated and thoughtless person but who knows? Some people become more intelligent as they get older especially if they wear a lot of makeup filled with dangerous chemicals.
Well never mind I can’t remember where I met her but she is very clever and she’s just come back to this country from Australia
Well she must be short of company if she’s phoning you now after 20 or 30 years of absence. Was she in fact a colleague of yours?
How can you say something so rude to me? I am stunned
Oh I’m sorry Mary. I am feeling depressed at the moment and sometimes that can make me cruel.
I forgive you because I’ve known you for many years al. I know chronic pain can make people behave badly as well in fact there’s a higher risk of suicide for those people. But in the current political climate we’re all at a higher risk of suicide or murder.
Why are you feeling so depressed, do you know? Of course that is the thing we often don’t know why we are depressed and that is what is so horrible about it because we don’t know what to do.
Is it just a chemical reaction that’s gone wrong in the brain or is it some indication that we are locking for a deep meaning to our lives or maybe we just hate the society we’re living in especially the newspapers.
I’m not sure perhaps it’s the spring sunshine that can bring on seasonal ineffective disorder.
Well I will say goodbye to Leonora and I will make you a lovely cup of tea in the kitchen with Emile. He will be thrilled to see you with your purple lipstick and your green eye shadow which had mysteriously appeared by themselves on Annie’s face. Free at the point of contact just like the nhs
Mary I’m so fortunate to have you as my friend.
Some people would never speak to me again if I was rude to them
Well we should never jump to conclusions especially . And this is a very minor offense that you have committed compared to what politicians do every day but even our politicians here are nothing like so bad as Ronald Stump
According to the Times readers we have to become resilient and not let things affect us but unfortunately they don’t say how.
Well we can talk about that while we have our tea
I’d rather talk about fashion really I believe yellow is the color for this year
Oh for God’s sake Emile cried. I hate the colour yellow except on flowers and the sun but I do not like women wearing yellow clothing.
Emil you are just a cat but you are very wise so we will talk about something else altogether namely what we shall have for our supper.
I’d like sardines on toast,the cat purred
Then I will do the washing up for you
I want to wash my fur tonight
Your wish is my command Mary cried
Thus it did transpire
What the two women ate is a total mystery
Send your ideas on a postcard. You might win 10 pounds for the the best suggestion on the other hand you may not win anything at all because I’m too tired to think about it
Murder has been done and there’s a War
I’m the Lamb of God and he’s my Pa.
All the angels gave a gulping sigh
Jesus ,don’t go back, you go too far
Where’s your passport, where’s your alibi
Even Satan seemed annoyed and jarred
Take away those leaders and their Whores
There’s the Lamb of God and his old Pa.
What’s my crime ,sweet Jesus, should I lie?
The Market’s bust and you are going to die.
Where’s your passport, where’s your alibi?
We had a powerful sacrifice bizarre
We killed God and then we wore his Stars.
Where’s the Lamb of God,oh,ahaha!
The world is reddened by the blood of man
On the nursery slopes, this War began
Where’s your passport, where’s your alibi
I was the Lamb of God but where’s my Pa?
One afternoon Mary decided to visit Jean in the nursing home. Jean could not walk and she had severe dementia and was an angry woman but nevertheless there was something about her that Mary liked enough
Can I come along as well cried her cat Emile peevishly,,,?
No Jean doesn’t like cats and she’s a very determined woman so I’m not going to set her off by taking you in there and don’t say you can stay my handbag because it’s hot were and I don’t want you to suffocate silently.
Would it be alright if I suffocated while mewing?
?
Emile I cannot risk you suffocating because I love you that’s why I’m leaving you at home by yourself. You can always go in the garden and meet some other cats
Emile stalked away like a woman with injured pride
When Mary got there, Jean was having a bad day
I want to die she screamed. Will you kill me? Please do please do,,,
It’s illegal for me to kill you Mary told her rudely
Oh you’re such a coward Mary: be brave and kill me. I’d be really grateful
Well it’s very difficult to kill someone like you because you are naturally strong and strangling you would be extremely tough probably impossible and how could you be grateful to me when you were dead?
If you believe there’s an afterlife then you cannot kill yourself or be killed by me it’s murder in either case.
You’re a chuckling print, Jean shouted.
I understand what you mean but I think you’ve got the wrong word! I have seen this written down but I’ve never heard anyone so it out loud that is, c*nt.
Why what’s wrong with it?
Nothing in itself but when it’s combined with another word like f*cking it becomes unspeakably unpleasant and anyway you should not use that name as a curse word. It’s where new life is born. It’s like a flower like a rose or a carnation
Mary thought to herself I think I’m going to write a poem!
I never said it answered Jean but there’s got to be some way of expressing my frustration
Talking about the afterlife Mary said politely you jave been married twice. When you go to heaven which of your husbands do you want to be with you for all eternity?
Thinking about it very carefully Jean sat silent for quite some time. Then she gave a most intelligent response.
I loved them both the same
In that case you are a very fortunate woman although I know it’s very hard for you now. Would you like me to bring my cat next time I come? He is called Emile and he is very very interesting and can speak good English. Or I have a friend who’s a paramedic called Dave and he makes very good cakes and biscuits and likes to wear dresses in the summer
Triumphantly Jean announced that she would like to see both the cat and the paramedic as she was very bored in the nursing home and she loved to talk to people or even to animals
I do not like advent calendars with beauty products on each day.
Is you know what advent is and you want to celebrate it or to prepare yourself for the birth of Christ assuming that you are a believer then how can you possibly want the advent calendar to have beauty products daily I don’t know whether you get them in packages or whether you are just told the name but it’s in bad taste to my mind
If you’ve no idea what advent is then fine you must wonder sometimes about advent and lent etc etc etc
Do you rinse the soap suds off your face And wash your hair with eggs and lemonade? Do you go to bed in purple tights And silken tops that shine in sweet moonlight? Do you have a dagger in your bag? And wash your hair with Lucian’s paint rag?
Would you like to live your life again? Would you live through every single pain? Would you have a mattress on your bed Made of memory foam and heavy lead? Would you let a pixie cut your hair? Would you go to Yorkshire for the Fair?
Would you go on Cruises with a man? Would you put a tax on copper pans? Would you go to Edgware when deceased? Would you tell me you were very pleased? Would you give up dreaming if betrayed By people who you knew were sick, depraved?
Write a letter,send me with the post Put me in your pocket if I boast Tell me nuts are good for breaking teeth Send me daisies in a funeral wreath Ask my other if he will come home Send me to the doctor wrapped in foam
This is a phrase that is commonly used. Like many of these phrases it’s got a lot of wisdom in it.
But it sounds a little bit like yourvself is a bog that you can start sinking into. And then it’s hard to get out of it
So we can get too deep ruminating and thinking about ourselves and not look at the world around us.
I suppose a good book might do that but it might be also better to go outside if possible
Meeting someone friendly and having a conversation about something other than yourself could be good
Of course sometimes we have to think about problems and ideas and things that we have in our heads to sort them out but if we get overwhelmed then obviously it’s not going to be very good for us
Lots of the time we’re doing things we have to do like our job or looking after family members cooking meals etc. so our minds are distracted.
When I was young I remember distraction was regarded as a bad thing but it’s now regarded as good if you are suffering from chronic pain for example and no doubt for mental health problem is although I don’t really like the term mental health
I’d rather say we’re all struggling with difficulties in our human life in this world some of us are more than others somehow than worse than others but basically it’s just a question of degree. So
When I was in hospital and I was delirious I was convinced that one of the nurses was going to kill me. I thought it might not be true but it seemed very convincing
I didn’t know then that paranoia is very common in hospital patients but it’s horrible nevertheless it’s not so far removed from everyday life
You must remember going to the cinema seeing the film lasting for two or three hours and then coming outside and feeling very weird as if you weren’t related to the environment there anymore but fortunately you would return to normal after a little while.
Everything is a question of degree I think. But when things get to a certain point we might need external help or we might need to do something to get us out of ourselves and into the world.
I’m not sure why but gossip becomes into my mind because that’s what a lot of people do perhaps women more than men sharing information about the neighbors possibly with the idea of being helpful but also it’s a distraction and it’s natural to want to know about other people and what they might be doing or what they have done why they are now imprisoned etc etc
Even having a hot bath could get you out of yourself.
It was raining at Annie went round to Mary’s house next door. How quickly we forget the hot summer she thought to herself privately without telling anybody at all.
Mary was making some tea
Go and sit down Annie I’m just putting the washing machine on before I bring the tea through
The two women sat down in Mary’s drawing room next to her sketch pads paper and her drawing board
So any gossip to share she queried
No I went to the clinic and at my ear syringes and now my hearing is much better but it’s hard to find anywhere that will do it now.
They have referred me to ENT Mary told her mellifluously. They said I need hearing aids but it will be a year before I can
get them because there’s a long waiting list adult suppose the government wants us all to go deaf. I told the audiologist that I can hear music all the time and at first I thought it was coming from somewhere outside but then I realized it’s actually self-generated
Yes you have mentioned it before said Annie.
Does it really bother you?
Not always but my tinnitus is really bad this morning I can hear a very strange noise now.
It’s the washing machine said Annie humorously I can hear this as well.
What a relief that is because sometimes I hear a sound like thunder and lightning.
Lightning ia not a sound!
UB surprised what happened when you’ve got tinnitus and the senses may get confused sometimes
Oh maybe this thunder sounds louder actually is louder when there’s lightning as well.
I don’t know how we can check that without some scientific instruments and there to expensive for ordinary People to buy but it’s possible if we look on Google or duck duck go that there may be reports of experiments carried out in universities or other places I’m sure there’s a lot of research on storms. Why when I was teaching I met someone who had been the first person in Britain to do flood research.
I wonder what sort of noise you would hear if you actually in a flood in your area like your street or your town?
I think we were too worried about safety to worry about the noise.
Emil was so fed up with the conversation that he scratched there is ankle with one of his claws
Whether you are learning something new or trying to switch on a computer that you’ve not used for a long time when should you stop if you don’t succeed immediately?
Well when the adrenaline starts to run through your body you should stop what you’re doing and put it away if possible.
If you must continue wait till you don’t mind stopping and then you can start again but you should repeat this if you get the same problem.
There’s no point killing yourself because your computer won’t start so it’s better to ask for help then if possible
If you’re short of money, I hope you’ve got friends because getting help from people you know is really nice
Paying someone if you can afford it is also good because people have to make a living so don’t be too keen to do everything yourself especially it’s making you a nervous wreck
After the unusual November sunshine, Mary was happy to discover her underwear was dry. She took it into the sitting room to fold up, ready to go into the drawer. Although, by nature, she was very untidy, she did try to keep a bit of order in her drawers. As she sat musing, with the pile of knickers and bras nearby, the door bell rang .Quickly she pushed the heap of lingerie under a large cushion and opened the door optimistically with a brave laugh and a rude cough There stood the Vicar with a beaming yet sultry smile, like a sun ray on Helvellyn in midwinter Do come in. I’ll make some fresh Ceylon tea, she murmured politely She carried in a tray of tea and cake and sat on the sofa, after placing the tray on a small table nearby. Why are you here, Father? she said anxiously as she sucked her thumb and bit her nails That was what God said to Elijah on the mountain, he anwered shyly.Or mayhe it was Jeremiah Well,I am not God but we all wonder now and then why we are here and think we should be somewhere else , like in bed with Leonard Cohen. That never worries me, said the Vicar.I can’t marry a Jew, Leonard Cohen or whoever. So if Jesus was here you would not let him marry your daughter? Even though he was the Son of the Most High? Definitely not.He wasn’t a Christian. And imagine what it would be like when he was never at home helping with the chores, but was fishing in the Sea of Galilee all day.And feeding hungry people.Not to mention getting killed….. But he must have been very loving, Mary muttered nervously God loves those who love themselves, cried the Vicar evangelically. Er, that’s a bit narcissistic,Mary told him .I’ve never heard anyone say it before. Well we ought to love ourselves or why should anyone else love us? For our love of them, our beauty, our minds, our kindness, our humour, our cooking or our money. Yet some a people are sadists and some are masochists. Well, that is unfortunate but, if they are willing, it seems acceptable to me.I won’t criticise them if they enjoy it Suddenly Annie, Mary’s neighbour,ran into the room in her dark purple velvet trenchcoat and shiny green vinyl boots;they matched her eye shadow and contrasted well with her terracotta lipstick and matching earrings, like small saucers from which Emile might drink milk Hi, she shouted.I’m here. Where is that lipstick from, Mary quizzed her pensively It’s by Lambscombe of Wigan and Ilkley. Annie revealed furtively I didn’t know they made lipstick,Mary answered.It’s an unusual colour Is it made from old bricks? I don’t know, Annie cried petulantly.She started to snivel and felt under the cushion in case Mary had left a hanky or tissue there. Her hand reappeared clutching a pair of bright blue lace knickers It was hard to decide who looked more embarrassed ,Mary or the Vicar What’s going on in here, Annie demanded though why should she have the right to know? I’ve never seen them before, the Vicar told her manfully Surely your wife must wear them, Annie said knowingly My wife wears underpants. Well, it takes all sorts,Mary mused.Is your wife a man ? I don’t know.We live a life of utter chastity.We have therefore had no children.We could have adopted I guess. What a waste, Annie whispered. You are a very charming and delightful person.~ I can’t believe you are innocent.You persuaded Mary to take off her knickers so you could play Mummies and Daddies but I came in at the wrong moment. Mary fainted silently onto the rug Emile mewed loudly and rang 999 on his Nokia1
In ran Dave, the fluid gendered, transsexual and well dressed paramedic.
What’s wrong ? Why has Mary fainted and why are there knickers on the floor? Is this an orgy? Why have you called me?
The Vicar went bright red with embarrassment and shock.
No, it seems Mary keeps a pair of knickers near her in case she runs out of tissuesDave made some Ceylon tea in the bijou violet and emerald green kitchen .He used Mary’s art deco mugs to serve it along with some chocolate biscuits he found under the sink.
Mary rose up from the carpet and asked where she was.
Still here,in the EU….until Scotland goes independent and Ireland gets more Troubles and how about Wales getting big idea?
Oh, for goodness sake, shut up.I am sick of Brexit cried Emile.
Where is my tea? Where are my sardines in olive oil?Where is my pudding?
How my heart speaks 